Shebly described the holding pattern as boooo-ring

Springfield, MO—A homemade Pipistrel airplane, holding two men, has finally landed now that the Springfield-Branson National Airport has finally reopened. “For Pete’s sake it is a national airport. I didn’t expect it to be shut down for three-four days,” said the pilot, Nick Shelby, upon landing, “you don’t see Regan or O’Hare closing for 10 minutes much less a week at a time!”

The local airport had issued a warning to travelers months in advance and contacted the FAA to redirect any aircraft wishing to make a landing during the 4 day long construction project to resurface the landing strip. “We took great pains to avoid a situation like this. We even made a Facebook group to notify pilots of our upcoming facelift. I’m not sure how this pilot got off track but thank God he had enough fuel for 4 days of a holding pattern while we finished up the runway,” said a spokesperson for the airport.

Shelby said he took off before the Springfield-Branson National Airport closed and was listening to “Fly Like an Eagle” by the Steve Miller Band on his radio headset, which likely distracted him from the tower signing off.

While he was circling over the airport, Shelby said he saw what he believed to be Falcon HTV-2 hypersonic glider land on the strip needing “repair” and was whisked off to a secret hanger location. “It was an arrow-shaped aircraft that launches in a rocket, separates and then glides at hypersonic speeds of 13000 mph, of course the only place it could land would be at an airport that was ‘closed for the week’,” commented Shelby.

Expedia expands into air transportation services

Springfield, MO—The internet travel company Expedia recently opened a new operations center in the old terminal building at the Springfield Branson National Airport, and now they’re moving deeper into the travel industry by offering air traffic control services.

“We were already on the airport grounds, so we thought why not diversify and expand into air traffic control,” said Jack Hanover, VP of Operations for Expedia.

The company just finished erecting a control tower above their offices and they aim to offer airlines an alternative to the government-run control tower on the southwest side of the field.

Local traveler George Peterson welcomes the competition. “We need to get big government, with their highly trained professionals and outstanding safety record, out of aviation and encourage free market competition,” he said.

To work in the new tower, Expedia employees must complete a two-week course and purchase their own binoculars.

Newly-trained controller Travis Rothchild,18, has found his job very rewarding. “Just last week I hooked up a United Express flight with runway 14, which is closer to the terminal, when the other tower had given them runway 20. Saved them 3 minutes! Although it did put them on a collision course with a UPS plane that then had to take evasive action to avoid hitting them. But it’s all good!”

If this new endeavor is successful for Expedia, Hanover says they’ll likely look at competing in other government-dominated industries.

“We’ve been itching to get into food safety inspections and touching people’s swim suit areas.”

Passenger "turns her self around" during airport screening

Springfield, MO— The head of the Transportation Security Administration said Sunday that he would try to make airport screening “as minimally invasive as possible,” and introduced a new screening procedure that includes dancing the “Hokey Pokey” which will replace aggressive pat-downs that have rankled passengers and lawmakers.

As the busy travel season approaches, TSA agents at the Springfield-Branson National Airport (KSGF) will be the first to implement the new procedure in a test pilot program. If all goes well, the new security screenings will be rolled out across the nation.

Passengers at KSGF will be required to pass through metal detectors first putting their left hand in, then taking it out, then putting it back in and shaking it all about. The drill will continue for all major body parts. “The shaking part is very important,” said TSA agent Luke Attem, “if there are any hidden tubes of toothpaste more than 3 oz. in weight, they will be visible or will fall out due to the vigorous dancing.”

TSA Administrator John Pistole said in a statement Sunday afternoon the agency is “constantly evaluating and adapting” security and that procedures are refined “in fact, we considered requiring all passengers to dance the tango with a TSA agent, but that dance was deemed too suggestive so we settled on the Hokey Pokey.”

Travelers have greeted the TSA and their invasive pat-down procedures with rising anger over the past few months. The TSA says it is moving toward Israelification while maintaining tough security and “that’s what it’s all about,” said Pistole.

Nation's First Diverging Diamond Runways

Springfield, MO—Just a month after completing the second diverging diamond intersection in Springfield at National Ave. and James River Freeway, city and airport officials held a ribbon cutting on Monday to celebrate the “first-in-the-nation” diverging diamond runways at the Springfield Branson National Airport. The $22 million dollar project is being hailed by city officials as an entirely new way to handle air traffic.

“Is it the most efficient design? No,” Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal said. “Is it safe? Absolutely not. But it’s the first in the nation, and that was what we were going for.”

“It really seems like a horrible idea,” said American Eagle captain David Young, who piloted the first airplane into the airport after the diverging diamond runways opened. “We touched down normally, but just a couple thousand feet down the runway it started curving to the left. We were still going like 100 mph and the tires were squealing and we narrowly avoided hitting a Cessna that had landed the opposite direction and was crossing through the diamond. But hey, it is the first one in the nation, so that’s pretty cool.”

Questions have arisen not only about the safety of the design, but also whether it’s even allowed under federal aviation regulations. If the design is found to be in violation, the city could face multi-million dollar fines.

When shown an illustration of the new runway configuration, FAA Administrator Randy Babbit said “Oh yea we’re totally going to fine them.”

Not content with stopping at road and air, Mayor O’Neal said the city is currently looking at area rivers that they could split and then rejoin into a “Diverging Diamond Confluence.”

A young couple practice singing "dot com" before Expedia auditions

Springfield, MO—In a news conference held last week, Expedia Inc. announced it will expand its digital voice in Springfield by adding approximately 500 singing jobs. The company is looking to hire people to sing “dot com” in teams of two or more for every page visit to Expedia.com.

“The online travel marketplace is flooded with competition. One way to differentiate our brand is to use live vocal singers to actually project ‘dot com’ after each page load to enhance our customer’s experience on our site, Expedia.com,” Cliff Trebble, Expedia Vice President of Global Vocal Strategy said in an interview after the news conference.

Local and state officials were in attendance and proclaimed the mega travel site’s decision to invest in Missouri vocalists as yet another clear indication that the area and state will overcome this current recessionary period.

“The hiring process will take time. We may hire a few balladeers to start, then proceed to pick up yodelers and then songsters three to four months down the line. We have needs for baritones, sopranos, and tenors who are willing to sing at people browsing our website for 8-9 hours a day,” said Trebble.

In February, Expedia signed a five-year lease to occupy 59,000 square feet in the former Springfield-Branson National Airport terminal building, which is currently under construction. Approximately sixty percent of that space will be built into several soundproof rooms for actual work-related crooning, and one major concert hall to provide an area for practice.

Branson Airport adds trophy mounts to all flights

Springfield, MO—Not to be outdone by the Springfield-Branson National Airport’s increase in passengers, the Branson Airport has unveiled plans to add hunting trophies to the interior of each flight arriving and departing from the terminal.

“Most airports have distinct personalities, we have a rustic outdoor sporting feel and the taxidermy has been a welcome addition to flights for our customers,” said Branson Airport management.

Most flights originating from the Branson Airport will feature multiple stuffed animals both in first class and coach seating. “First curtain will contain the more exotic mounts, the lions, bears, tigers…all the Oz animals, coach will have whitetail deer, birds of prey and animals indigenous to the Ozarks,” said Rusty Maltrop, a local taxidermist assigned to create the in-flight wildlife museum.

Passengers arriving today were the first to experience the new décor and most had a positive experience. Jessica Rutledge said, “it was cool, I was a bit cramped because the deer head in my aisle was mounted to the side of the plane and the antlers were poking me, but y’know I liked it.”

“I went to place my carryon bag into the overhead compartment and a huge turtle greeted me. I was surprised at first. In fact, I had to dry my pants in the lavatory before we took off. I loved it, what a great story to tell my family,” remarked Kenny Ribbles.

The Branson Airport has plans to install robotic mounts to help with the preflight instructions. According to reports, a robotic beaver will guide passengers through seatbelt usage, emergency exit procedures and water landings.

Frontier Airlines cited the added esthetics as the decisive factor in determining whether or not to add services to the Branson Airport. Frontier released a statement saying, “We think an airport that is dedicated to providing a custom, unique experience is a good fit for our brand. We’re excited to service outdoorsy people from the Ozarks hills to the Rocky Mountains.”

“If I had it to do all over again, I’d hope to have a vision of going to Disney World and swimming across the lagoon at Snow White’s castle. That wouldn’t cause an international outcry,” said Yettaw.

Yettaw, 53, was arrested May 6 after swimming across a lake with hand made plastic-bottle swimmies to visit Aung Sang Suu Kyi, a house-imprisoned political activist’s home. He claimed he was trying to warn her of a possible attempt on her life. Yettaw’s wife, Betty, said her husband had previously swum to the house last year in the hope of interviewing Suu Kyi for a paper he was writing on post-traumatic stress disorder. “I’ve collected plenty of information now, thank you very much Senior General Than Shwe!” screamed Yettaw.

After being released from a Burmese prison where he was serving a seven-year sentence of hard labor for violating Burma law, Yettaw hopes that his premonitions include less law-breaking and more lawn-basking. “I’d love to get a slip n’ slide and pretend I was saving a person if only I could slide across my lawn on a strip of plastic. Perhaps a ‘Crocodile Mile’ would seem more dangerous,” said Yettaw.

Yettaw’s swim may have made Burmese opposition leader Aung Sang Suu Kyi’s house arrest a life sentence. The CIA, US Government nor the squalidly mean and corrupt Burmese intelligence offered to comment on how a Midwestern grandfather could swim farther than the wave pool at White Water exactly at the critical moment when Suu Kyi could have been released.

The old terminal has run out of airline operating space. Airline office space is currently rationed at the old terminal due to the fact that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) uses much of it to screen baggage. As a result, the Airport cannot accommodate new airlines without displacing TSA. There is currently no space remaining to house airline ground handling equipment. “I want to say that I have succumb to the terrorist demands and will roll my shining face over to the new spankin’ fresh terminal where I can enjoy free wifi, wide open spaces, comfortable seating and convenient security checks. Take that terrorists!” responded a passing passenger.

Passengers and baggage now undergo security screening that no one anticipated before 9/11. It requires lots of space—for passenger screening and baggage screening. In the current terminal the main passenger screening station is jammed into the area between the lobby and the gate entrances. Baggage screening takes place in small rooms that were used by airlines. These space limitations make the whole process cumbersome and slow. The new terminal streamlines security by providing adequate space. The end result: customers should spend less time waiting in lines.