Down kittens, down!

Springfield, MO – According to angels, Jesus Christ sent enormous cuddly kittens to sit next to a Skepticon billboard located on S. Glenstone Avenue at Seminole Street. According to passer-byes, the freakishly large kittens began to attack the billboard poking holes into the canvas.

“Just because the kittens I sent to watch over the billboard were distracted by a wild string, doesn’t mean that I condemn the people of Skepticon, they are allowed to believe what they will. Those kittens were from a wild litter…I’ll tell you that now. I mean look at them – they’re freakishly huge cats!” said He.

Most people have driven past the billboard not exactly sure what to make of it. One driver interviewed said, “I figured it was that we could all agree that cute cats are well we all agree that little cats are cute. But huge freakish cats that destroy property shouldn’t be messed with by any means.” Another driver, Bobbie Wackina said, “Oh Lord, I thought it was an attack of Pussy Cats from Space. I drove my car straight into the cemetery, passed out, woke up and thought I was buried in a Chevy!”

Jesus released a statement earlier today which said, “Skepticon observers are people who are seeking answers. I am an all-knowing, omniscient lord searching for answers regarding these kittens. Why don’t kittens listen to anyone? Especially me! I told them to watch the billboard. Not get juiced on catnip and rip it to shreds. What can I say?”

Ella Richardson can’t believe her recess is not going to happen

Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision.

“I was s’pose to swing with Ella during my recess, but instead I had to stay inside and play math games cause of the bad man,” said Timothy Unger, a kindergartener at Mathews Elementary. “Joe and I were going to trade Pokemon cards at recess, but that was totally ruined by mister ‘shave my head and walk by the school barefoot’ ruining our trading time,” scoffed Nick Burgenson a 5^th grader at Espy Elementary.

Students at Nixa High School had mixed feelings. Sarah Begonia said, “I was so glad that he was nearby. My gym class was planning to run the track this afternoon but fortunately we stayed inside and played a game. Unfortunately, it was dodge ball and Jimmy Heffer hit me in the face with the ball…I think he likes me,” she said while blushing.

Springfield Public School students were understandably jealous. “Aw man, nothing cool ever happens around here,” said Kelly Piolos, a Junior at Parkview High School, “why can’t a fugitive like Joshua Brown – who is wanted for murder – walk by our school so we don’t have to do anything for an afternoon?”

Mayor ready for another round!

Springfield, MO – With a term set to expire in April 2013, and with no intentions of running for a third term, Mayor Jim O’Neill suddenly announced this week that he is planning to re-sign. O’Neill has always put his heart and soul into the position, however, most council members expected him to leave office following his current obligations.

“No, no you heard wrong he has resigned,” commented an uninformed council member, “it means he won’t be coming back.” According to multiple sources, O’Neill was not going ‘all Ibarra’ and walking out on his responsibilities, rather he was re-signing for another round of torture by rhetoric.

“Not too many people can endure hours and hours of endless, mind-numbing conversation that spins in circles like a washing machine thrown in an eddy,” said Nerf Fredericksonn, a constant attendee at Council meetings. Fredericksonn went on to say that O’Neill was great on the board and is looking forward to another election year with O’Neill on the ballot.

O’Neill was unavailable for comment; however, reports indicate that he announced his intent to re-sign during a contentious debated around a handful of exemptions to the smoking ban.  “He lit up a stogie, and said due to personal and business pressures, he intended to re-sign. Immediately. He seemed pretty upset about it but I thought it was good news,” said Fredericksonn.

Is this here a Walmarts?

Springfield, MO – The newest Walmart Neighborhood Market located on Glenstone Avenue is primed and ready to open despite hanging the incorrect signage above the main entrance. According to several hundred passing drivers, the sign in missing the “S” at the end of the word.

“I been to Walmarts going on now thirty years. Aight never paid much attention to the signs before but  I did notice that this Market  store don’t have no “S” on it. It is a Walmarts, right?” said Joe Pug, of Buffalo, MO. The new market concept has would be consumers up in arms in several ways, least of which in the pending store closure across the street at Smillie’s.

“Smillie’s has the ‘s’ on the end, so should the Walmarts across the dang street. Its them little details that matter to folks like us,” said Norma-Barbara Fischer of Nixa.

“The Walmart Market is a smaller store design are meant to woo shoppers with easier parking, less crowded aisles and quicker checkout,” said a store representative, “we did not intend to misrepresent our brand by leaving off the “S”, we here at Walmart, er…Walmarts are good down home folk who want to provide the best possible shopping experience for our neighbors.”

The store is expected to add the critical “S” in the coming days before opening.

Man catches bat before it turns into vampire

Springfield, MO- With the success of such blue collar shows such as “Ice Road Truckers”, “Swamp People”, and “Ax Men” The History Channel will begin filming a show featuring bat hunters in the Ozarks. “Bat Men” will bring the fun, danger, and excitement of bat hunting to the average person’s living room. It will boast color characters and a host of interesting settings such as caves, caves, and more caves.
“People don’t understand that bats are a menace to society and need to be destroyed. They turn into vampires, they look creepy, eat harmless mosquitoes, and get stuck in little girl’s hair. People know this and pay us to kill the little, hairy jerks. Mostly little girls. We get a lot of lemonade stand money,” said James “Slayer” Slayton.
With over 6000 caves in Missouri, it is the perfect location for bat hunting and Ozarkians are artist at the craft. Dating back to the founding of the state bat hunting has been a lucrative career. Some bat killing families can be traced back to the original bat hunter Hector “Bat**** Crazy” Willis.
“We are very excited about this show,” said an unnamed History Channel executive. “We love crazy red necks killing, driving over, or cutting stuff. And these guys are crazy. They kill bats with pitch forks, dynamite, and super soakers filled with garlic water. Who even has super soakers anymore? I mean, come on.”
The colorful characters feature will be: a father and son team being torn apart because they are both vying for the same woman‘s affection, a crazy old man who hunted bats under the FDR administration, two sisters who hunt for meth money, and a 11 year old bat killing prodigy who kills bat at a 12th grade level.

Fans swoon at the sight of Big Cards

Springfield, MO – Swarms of red-feathered beasts flocked into the Ozarks Monday evening, and collected at Hammons Field near downtown Springfield. “The big cards are here!” screamed Joey Huffington, an 8^th grader who screeched his terrifying message while running hysterically from a nearby parking garage.

According to sources, the large, flight-enabled monsters regularly appear around this time of year unless a period of strong rainstorms are present in Florida. “Last year the big cards were diverted from our area due to strong thunderstorms and precipitation near Jupiter, Florida,” said weather analyst John Llabtesksab.

“We never had this aviary issue until Hammons Field was opened, but now we can expect big cardinals to appear in early April for at least 24-36 hours,” said Newt Rollingston, “and the crowds they draw are amazing. Everyone wants to see the big cards.”

Terrifying as it may seem, most people actually try very hard to get access to the ballpark to see these freaks of nature. “I had no idea we had so many bird enthusiasts who are willing to sacrifice their own lives to see the freakishly large finches. I hear one report where a Springfield Cardinals fan saw a big card that weighed more than 200 pounds!” said Rachel Yonkers of the local National Audubon Society chapter.

A large bird weighing over 200 pounds is capable of pecking out a man’s heart with one neck thrust, able to shred bone and muscle with enormous talons and capable of lifting small children into the heavens. Citizens are encouraged to avoid the area around and near Hammons Field until the end of this week.

Cashew chicken flight is very popular between SGF and BGK

Springfield, MO – In an effort to cross-promote tourism in the area, the Springfield – Branson Airport has announced a new flight from Branson to Springfield and back. The short flight is anticipated to increase spending in the Ozarks by hundreds of dollars.

“We expect that the crosstown traffic generated is going to allow more spending within the Ozarks. Yes, it is going to cost $450 to travel 30 miles via air, but we predict that the easy access will encourage spending in Springfield and Branson,” said one travel official.

“Yeah we wuz planning to Springfield after Branson by driving, but when we heard that we could fly there and spend more money we wuz all aboard. Spending money increases the local economies, so we wuz all in,” said tourists Jimmy Ujilkifsh.

The anticipated increase in tourist dollars has encouraged businesses to sponsor the flights between the two destinations. Air passengers can choose between the “Yak-your-trek-off”, “Redneck Travelers” or the “Cashew Chicken Express” based on travelers expectations.

“I choose the ‘Cashew Chicken Express’ because we were actually served cashew chicken on our flight. I’m sure it’d be nice to be serenaded by Redneck tenors or entertained by Yakov, but I’m a big eater and the food was a big draw to me,” said Nate Emerson as he slurped down his remaining in-air flight meal.

Crazy Canadian invade the Ozarks for Spring Break

their Spring Break, Canadian students go “south of the border” for their fun. Although many party-going Canadians go to wild and crazy cities such as Cincinnati, Ohio; Lincoln, Nebraska; and Des Moines, Iowa – many find themselves in the hedonistic hub know as Springfield, Missouri.

“This is great, eh?” said Paul Bunton, “I love to cut loose and have a wild time. I just jay-walked twice then littered. Of course I picked up the wrapper 15 minutes later, but the rush was amazing. Many Ozarkians are not pleased with the tourist.

“I hate those salmon eating, snow traipsing, moose jockeys,” stated Ben Lawson. “They keep saying ‘aboot’ and talk about how rugby is a real sport and football is for fairy princesses on their periods. Oh, and they llooovvveee to bring up the War 1812.”

The popular Canadian music television channel “CMTV” even does a televised special highlighting the southern migration. Hundreds of Canadians gathering on the shore of Lake Springfield to take apart in the event. Not only are there Canadian musical guest such as “All French Canadian Rejects”, “Kelly Clanadison, and “Pitbull With Lipstick”. There will also be contest and games to bring out student’s wild side such as “Wet Flannel Contest” and “Bobbing for Otter Pelts”.

The Canadians should be leaving by the end of the week, unless they marry old women for green cards or are really good at hiding.

American Idol favored in eyes of God

Springfield, MO – Following the performance of American Idol star Kelly Clarkson last night, several Christians converted to Idol worship. The God of the Universe had planned to strike dead all who are partaking in the pagan cult rituals but God finds Clakson’s music just too catchy and herself to be too cheery to destroy her and the idolatry.

“Her music is wonderful, according to Me!” quipped the Creator of the Universe, “I couldn’t bring myself to smite those fun loving Idol worshippers even though I could do it without batting an eye. Yes, I could infect them all with Justin Guarini disease and watch them wither up and fall off the face of the Earth, yet they are all so fun-going.”

Local church clergy had mixed views on the matter. “Uhm, well I guess if the Son of Man likes A Moment Like This so much he has the right to let her continue to exist, but some of her fan base are pretty annoying, couldn’t He take some of them out as a show of good faith?” pondered Friar Earl Pressley.

“Sure I blessed her; she broke The Beatles’ record for the biggest leap to number one, from 52, in the history of the Billboard Hot 100 chart. You can’t deny talent like that. She’s All I Ever Wanted, and I am Mr. Know It All, I guess it would be safe to say My Life Would Suck Without her,” laughed the Lord Almighty.

Political storm alert issued

Springfield, MO – The National Political Service in Springfield has issued a Republican Presidential Candidate warning for Greene County in southwest Missouri until 9pm CST Saturday night. At 5:12 pm trained politician spotters reported several Republican candidates were seen moving towards the Missouri Ozarks. Listen here: Political Storm Warning

A political barrage of television advertisements may develop at any time. Politico Radar showed this dangerous storm of activity moving southwest at 80 miles per hour. Locations impacted include Digital Monitoring Products in the Partnership Industrial Center, and Hillcrest High School at 3319 N. Grant Avenue.

Take  cover now. Move to an interior room on the lowest level of a sturdy bullshit-proof building. Avoid televisions and radio transmissions as they may carry political advertisements. If in a mobile home…you’re pretty much done for, but we knew that. If in a vehicle or outdoors move to the closest shelter and protect yourself from flying political promises.

Political hurricane Santorum is expected to make landfall early Saturday and will be closely followed by tropical storm Paul in the evening. The epicenter of the storms will pass southwest Missouri this weekend. Gale winds are expected to be in place through county caucuses March 17^th – 24^th.

An extreme political wind warning is in place for a predicted category 3 hurricane Romney, a cell that has exceptionally high intensity and forming from the northeast.