South Avenue will be colored green, which will cover puke from St. Patrick's Day Pub Crawl Attendees

Springfield, MO—City officials announced they plan to dye South Avenue kelly green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day. Citing the lack of a central river bisecting the city, the government has decided to go with the next best option: a prominent downtown street.

Mayor Jim O’Neal said, “Given my last name has an ‘O’ and an ‘apostrophe’ my Irish heritage should be unquestioned. And understanding that Jordan Creek is mostly underground, I wish to start a new tradition in the first year of my administration to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by coloring a historic thoroughfare green.”

Crews will begin spraying green biodegradable paint onto South Avenue at 8 am utilizing Springfield Airport’s new fire truck the Osh Kosh Striker 3000 (EZ-6) replete with a converted fire hose to dispense the coloring agent instead of water.

The Irish homage will begin at Finnegan’s Wake south of the square and extend south to Grand Street. After the work is complete insiders say O’Neal plans to use the last remaining stimulus dollars afforded the city to buy rounds of Guinness for any citizen in attendance until “we’re all Talking Irish”.

The painted street will be used as a landmark for those taking part in the mindless alcohol-fuelled revelry that is the St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl this weekend. Drew Maldea is planning to honor St. Patrick by spending the day drinking all the Irish beer and whiskey he can afford to produce a horrific and truly Irish puking on the street, “I want to Erin-Go-Blaaaaah and spew forth green pukeage,” said Maldea, “it will most likely blend into the green hues of the street so, pogue mahone!”