Indie Ozarks offers equal programming to viewers

Springfield, MO – Former television station KSFX becomes KOZL Ozarks Local today, and will serve as the Ozarks first indie, or independent, outlet for information in our area. The new station will pride itself by showcasing local independent bands, motion pictures and will feature 24 hours of news not mandated by the “fox”, er “man”.

“Finally, we are not under the conservative thumb of Rupert Murdock’s News Corp. and his phone hacking cronies. We are free and independent American journalists not held to the withering standards of our former English media mogul owner,” said one source, “Before Rupie killed The News of the World we knew it was time to find a way out fast.”

Fortunately, KOZL Ozarks Local formed an indie strategy to serve the people of Southwest Missouri. No longer a FOX affiliate, KOZL can now focus on quality programming and will release a schedule of indie music reviews, sketch comedy, and themed movie nights. “We have long been fans of the SATO48 film challenge. While local venues, such as the Moxie, have previously shown these flicks we are looking forward to carrying some of these local films on our station,” said the GM.

Indie music coverage will be provided as well, covering local acts as well as touring bands and groups who swing by Randy Bacon Studios en route to SXSW. The comedy schedule will include series such as Ozarkslandia, Skinny Improv TV, The Improvadors Show, the return of The Mystery Hour (a local talk show) and round out the schedule with a full half hour of Fair City News updates.

“Local independent productions will subject to review and we won’t be broadcasting anything in poor taste. Plus we won’t have to show any foreign films because we are local,” said one staffer.

Invisible mascot adopted

Springfield, MO – New FOX affiliate KRBK announced today that they’ve hired beloved Sesame Street icon Mr. Snuffleupagus as their new spokesman. Snuffy, as he’s commonly known commented “KRBK is a great station, they’re just like me…no one believes they exist, but I do. Big Bird can see both of us.” KRBK stated “We know we’re jerking the Ozarks around about our signal, so we thought it would be a great idea to hire a spokesman who can relate to our situation. We do note that Big Bird can get KRBK since he put an antenna on his head and he’s tall enough to get our signal”

FOX KRBK also commented, ”We really are going all out to convince people we’re for real. The fact we thought transmitters grew on trees was just wrong. We then bought some blue pills thinking they’d get our tower up, but all it did was create smurfs” Snuffy went on to say, “I really feel sorry for them, I went through this for 15 years on Sesame Street, and finally someone other than Bird saw me”.

Big Bird added, “I get FOX KRBK and although they have an unhealthy obsession with the Rams, I still watch their infomericals, and really bad cutins. At my lake cabin, FOX KRBK is about the only thing I can get, and hopefully when I get my satellite dish, I can watch something other than this. I miss watching Mister Rogers.”

KRBK is working to get a signal on the air by April 31.

Man attempting to hide from girlfriend

Springfield, MO- All across Springfield many boyfriends are hiding in terror as MSU’s Tent Theatre prepares to premier their opening night. The boyfriends are in hiding because they know their girlfriends will mercilessly force them to see one of the three plays and would rather plunge themselves off a cliff than see garish musicals or straight plays.

The boyfriends are hiding in numerous places. The most common hiding spots include friends’ houses, sports bars, and forts made out of couch cushions. But, more terrified beaus are forced to hide in secret compartments in their space ships (usually used for smuggling), old, abandoned refrigerators (even though it was strictly forbade by 1980’s GI Joe cartoons), and all-women apartments while wearing drag.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” states girlfriend Ashelie Banks on horse back, while surveying the land. “I go to his stupid sports stuff all the time.” She then tossed a net at her boyfriend as he made a mad dash out of the tall grass, hoping to make it to freedom.

Horseback net throws via “Planet of the Apes” are not the only way desperate girlfriends ensnare their wayward lovers. Other tactics include SS style raids on “Big Whiskeys”, mechanical hounds created to sniff out AXE body spray, and flying monkeys.

“This is real bad man, real bad. But, I am not going to set on those metal chairs for two hours while some idiot sings about this bow tie or some crap. Oh no..here they come. Why are they blue? Monkeys are not blue!!!!” states Steve Manson before he was drug away by a fleet of flying primates.

Some bf’s think they can find the fabled Man-valon. A mythical city full of touch football, beer, X-Box, and nothing resembling culture what so ever. They use clues found in old SEGA Madden Games, Mountain Dew bottles, and Playboy centerfolds to find the fabled city to no avail.

Let’s consider the all to familiar Christmas parties…it literally takes me all of January to get passed the agony of having to make small talk with the guy that I like even less this year than last.  And, it is not like the women like it any more than the men…truth be told they would like to grab most of their so called “friends” by the hair and bitch slap them into next week but simply won’t admit it.  Maybe I am just the lone person who will come right out and tell it like it is.  I guess I am a lot like that strange, fat, out-of-work trucker that lived next door to me years ago…odd guy but gave some great advice after a long afternoon of watching TV and knocking down a 30 pack of Keystone Lite …”there are two things you don’t talk about with people you don’t know…politics or religion,” he said.  Then, as he took one more puff off of his cig and pitched it over the fence into my yard I thought to myself…I will do you one even better…how about we just not talk at all.  Here is a motivational moment for you…next time your neighbor wants to talk just wave and say…not gonna happen pal.  He may flip you off but at least you’ll understand each other.

Keep em’ coming and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Fed up rock 'em sock 'em gives them 'eck

Springfield, MO – With tensions elevating as the Nov. 2 election nears, Congressional candidate, Billy Long, has thrown down the gauntlet by challenging Scott Eckersley to a winner-take-all, three-round bout of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.

“My wife found my old Rock’em Sock’ems while she was cleaning out the attic last week. With all this mudslinging going on, like the waitress TV add, I just felt the need to defend my honor, old school,” Long stated. “If Scott is man enough he can meet me at a designated card table this Monday night. The winner gets the Congressional seat.”

Eckersley has yet to accept Long’s call to the field of honor. “Naturally I would want the blue robot, and Billy could have the red one. If we can establish some ground rules I might just call his bluff,” Eckersley crowed.

Local odds maker, Coy “Sawbuck” Chisholm called Eckersley a 3-1 underdog. “Billy’s ‘bot is obviously not going to make weight, any weight for that matter. But Scott’s ‘bot has girlyman written all over its plastic kisser. I see his head popping up no later than midway through the second round.”

Pluckin' days proves headless chickens are fun

Springfield MO—People that finally got the approval to have chickens in the city limits got an additional bonus with the discovery of an old Springfield law that gives chicken owners the right to hang chicken thieves without a trail or due process of law.  The law written in 1830′s is still on the books and gives chicken and horse owners the right to gather friends and neighbors to hang on the square anyone caught with any stolen farm animal.

Before the disclosure of the old law, the only requirements chicken owners had were no roosters, and broods of no more than six hens in structures approved by the chicken housing authority.  There is a pending leash law up for debate that would forbid chickens to run loose and they must be muzzled while leashed when going for walks.  But the hanging of thieves on sight gives chicken owners sustainability over outsiders and the sense of self-enforcing chicken violations within the group.

“If chickens had lips they would say that this is a good day,” commented Cleatus Yoder, future chicken owner.  “It’s bad that if you got caught breaking into my house and stealing my TV and meth supply I would have to wait a long time before the case goes to trail.  By hanging people as soon as they are caught stealing chickens that sends a message of what you can’t do on my property without any government say-so.”

Another item for chicken owners is the Springfield Park Board will have on the 15th of every month, GUT AND PLUCK DAY.  This event will be held at the Wilson Rutledge demonstration farm in Springfield.  Chicken owners that have hens that are too old to lay eggs can bring them to the farm and they will be processed for dinner that evening.  “We find that this is real popular for grade school children,” said Henrietta Klosterstein, Park Board Director.

“To avoid the shock and trauma of seeing the birds butchered, we prepare them by saying think of the ‘Itchy and Scratchy Show’, in the Simpson’s cartoon series.  Once they see a chicken running around with its head cut off, they laugh and laugh.  When we throw the headless bird into a pot of boiling water they still can’t stop laughing.  When we finally pluck and gut the chicken, they are still laughing so hard they can’t wait to take it home and put it in the oven for dinner.”

After completing certification, ghost seek license to haunt

Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Pythian Castle was officially certified as a haunted location; now the castle owner, Linda Finny, says the spooks are taking the next steps to achieve full licensing. “Certification was a long tedious process, but it is essential to earning a full license to haunt,” said Finny.

“Paranormal activities in the castle include voices, cold spots, images and strange sounds,” said Dr. Peter Stantz, “all prerequisites for certification.” The certification process took several years to achieve and confirmation is not easily attained. Stantz continued, “the people of this community should be very proud of the work accomplished by the Pythian Castle spirits.”

According to sources, several entities currently reside within the castle. One well-known ghost is referred to simply as “Jeff”. Finny said “Jeff” approached her several months ago and showed interest in becoming “a fully licensed apparition,” said Finny.

Dr. Stantz speculates that with hard work and persistence, “Jeff” and the entire Pythian Castle poltergeist crew can become licensed to haunt. “Right now the spirits are in a development stage of haunting. They have perfected the art of spinning dishes off of shelves, creating extreme temperature patches, etc, however they will need to display an advanced knowledge of phantasmal perfection in order to become fully licensed,” said Stantz.

The Pythian Castle is scheduled to complete ongoing renovations this summer. At that time Finny says she will  focus all her efforts to the licensing procedure. “It would mean a lot to ‘Jeff’ and the other spirits to take the next leap in paranormal accreditation,” she says.

FIFA's World Cup Finale continued to interrupt KSPR's Special Weather Report

Springfield, MO—A local ABC-affiliated television station attempted to broadcast a special weather report on Sunday, however, it was interrupted several times by the presentation of FIFA’s final game of the World Cup.

Karl Hirky, a Springfield resident, who was tuned in at the time said, “I like watching the weather in Camdenton, MO so the special update was something I was planning to view all weekend, heck even all week. I was really excited to see what Mother Nature is up to in my community and 80 miles away from my home.”

Conventional wisdom suggests that stations positioned closer to the action such as KMIZ, KNLJ, KRCG, KOMU-TV or KMOS-TV would provide sufficient weather coverage without the need for a special interruption on a Springfield station. However, few Springfieldians realize that KSPR is the only ABC-affiliated station that provides an ABC perspective to the Lake of the Ozarks area.

“I can honestly say I was excited when the World Cup broke into the weather report and the station went to a split screen. My boat and boat dock were just destroyed by the hellish tornado in our area and I had nothing else to do, having just lost my valuable possessions. So, I  decided to watch the soccer game,” confessed Rosie McDamniels of Camdenton, MO.

A station representative said that they successfully blocked most of the World Cup during the height of the far-off danger, yet there were periods of time when they could only cover up half of the screen with a weather map and screen crawl. Hirky admitted that perhaps he should have been more interested in the World Cup game as “soccer has prolly hurt more people than tornadoes worldwide.”

Artist rendering of 'darn shame buildings' falling apart according to History Channel projections

Springfield, MO—The Woodruff and McDaniel buildings on Park Central East have been sold to the History Channel to be featured on a future episode of Life After People. A History Channel representative said filming will begin once the buildings start to show signs of visible decline, which should be soon since the utilities have been shut off.

According to the show, the Woodruff and McDaniel buildings will be “shown in the moments after people disappear. As each day, month, and year passes, the fate of a particular environment, city or theme is disclosed. Humans won’t be around forever, and now we can see in detail, for the very first time, the world that will be left behind through the eyes of these two structures.”

Since the buildings have been in decline for well over a decade, special effects won’t be necessary to embellish upon the existing fallen ceiling tiles, locked doors, puddles of standing water and condemned elevators. Interviews from top experts in the fields of engineering, botany, biology, geology, and archeology will provide an unforgettable visual journey through the ultimately un-hypothetical result: total demise of two iconic structures.

Flooding from a burst water main under Jefferson Avenue apparently damaged some of the basement heating and cooling equipment before the current owners bought the building in 2002, which has added to the interest of History Channel producers.

Opened in 1911 and 1914 respectively, the Woodruff and McDaniel building History Channel episodes will explore the creatures that might take our place. With humans gone, animals will inherit the places where we once lived. In a world without people, new stories of predators, survival and evolution will emerge much like today’s commercial real estate market.