After White Witch slain, warm weather returns

Springfield, MO- Frigid temperatures and constant snowfall are no longer a problem thanks to Springfield citizens slaying the White Witch.

The White Witch, who resides in her dark castle at 1366 Cedar Way, has been plaguing the Ozarks with blizzards, icy temperatures, and horrible road conditions since late January. No one knows the source of her dark powers, but many speculate it is due to her connection to other famed witches as Abigal Williams, Harry Potter, Elphaba, and Martha Stewart.

“We just all fed up with it,” explains Josh Lowenstein. “We knew that as long as we are under her power my kids were never going to make it to school. I work at home, I can’t have those brats home all day pretending my stapler was a laser blaster and my computer was Pokedex.” An angry mob, armed with torches and pitchforks, broke into the witch’s house, tied her to a stake, burned her alive, fed her to a lion at the local zoo, then dropped a house on the lion, just to be sure.

“Sure, we would love to have an epic battle with prophesied heroes and various mythical creatures. But, who has time for all that? We just broke into her house and killed her,” said mob leader Karl Shepburn.

Now that the evil temptress has been vanquished Springfieldians can enjoy warmer temperatures, going to picnics, and seeing grass.

A zamboni cleans the ice before the "Naked-Ice Cooling Center" opens

Springfield, MO—Mediacom Ice Park opened to the general public today as a cooling center due to the heat advisory in Southwest Missouri. Those wishing to take advantage of the cooler temperatures were encouraged to strip off their clothing and sit on the freshly Zambonied ice rink.

Hundreds of people showed up to take advantage of the generous offer from the parks department; City Utilities even offered free bus rides. Hank Michene, the event organizer said, “the cumulative effects of heat and humidity can result in conditions which can lead to heat related illnesses, so we wanted to offer a place for people to totally cool themselves. Hence the Naked-Ice Cooling Center.”

Earl Freeburg, 82 of Springfield, said, “I dropped my trousers and immediately felt better. I’d never been in my birthday suit on ice before. It felt pretty damn good.” Onlookers said at first they expected a frigid playboy-like atmosphere with beautiful naked women skating with grace and poise. The found naked hillbillies, sagging skin and hairy backs.

“Oh, I’d say I was disappointed,” said Chris Timmerton, a sophomore at Missouri State University, “there were no totally nude knockouts on the ice but I did get to see an old man dip his nuts into a cooler of ice. Can’t say I’d ever hoped to see that in my lifetime.”

Overall, everyone seeking to avoid the heat enjoyed the experience. “I’m glad that the city came up with this great idea,” exclaimed Freeburg, while rubbing ice shavings into his armpits. Michane said, “we encourage everyone to drink plenty of fluids, stay in an air-conditioned room, stay out of the sun and check up on relatives and neighbors. If they need to cool down, get naked and get their butts on ice.

Non-naked cooling centers can be found at the American Red Cross at 1545 N West Bypass, YMCA at 1901 E Republic, and YMCA 417 S Jefferson.

Neighbor meth lab threat meter level is at medium

Springfield, MO—With the recent onslaught of treacherous winter weather, KSPR has introduced the Threat Meter to help Ozarkers understand the most likely means by which they will die in the near future. Over the past several weeks, the meter has gained popularity by including threats such as “snow,” “ice,” “wind,” and “cold.” However, these threats are only seasonal and meteorologist Devin Brighty is worried that the Threat Meter could lose some appeal as temperatures warm and icicle impalements becomes less likely.

To help sustain interest in the Threat Meter, KSPR will be adding “Meth Lab Neighbor” and “Overzealous Police Officer” in the coming months. “Winter weather, though violent and deadly as all get out, is fleeting in this area, so we knew that we had to add a couple of more common threats to the meter,” said Brighty. “There’s less than a ten percent chance that your average Ozarker will be dismembered by Jack Frost, so it’s really not that big of a threat. But there’s about a forty percent chance that you have a meth lab neighbor and a fifty percent chance that they’ll try to eat your face at some point. So that’s a pretty big threat.”

As for the overzealous sexual offender, Brighty said that the threat will not be tied specifically to one town or city’s offenders, since all seem equally likely to handcuff, tazer, and/or urinate on someone.

Soaring over 90 degrees, local residents and lake goers are reacting to the warm waters in different ways. Local Ridgedale, Missouri resident Roberto Voss had this to say, “We was thinkin’ bout buyin’ one of those hot tubs but the lake is good nuff these days. We can’t wait till July and August!”

Another resident maintains the glass half empty perspective. Angela Morrison, also of Ridgedale claims she is now hauling her boat to nearby springs to find cooler water. “We spent all of this money on a lift on Table Rock but now have to trailer the boat an hour to find cool, refreshing waters. It is hard to ski but there aren’t as many waves.”

There have been other reports of people using the steam off the lake to remove wrinkles from clothing, talk of transforming the Branson Belle into a steam ship, and a local energy company is reportedly building a steam engine to haul residents to local cooling centers.

Indian Point resident Mark “Maverick” Sager claims he once worked as a lake-cooler and knows how to make “them fish stop sweatin’”.

U.S. Army Corp of Engineers for Table Rock Lake are considering purchasing a new pump to reverse the flow of water from Lake Taneycomo to Table Rock Lake to bring the temperature down. In the meantime, they recommend dumping ice in the lake, not peeing in the lake, and exercising the use of scuba equipment since the water is colder below the surface.

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