MSU coach totally jinxed by local man's text

Springfield, MO—Local man Jacob Porter texted his fellow Alpha Kappa Gonga brothers at the end of the Missouri State Bears game with the phrase “Bears 2 win, fo sho” a mere 90 seconds before the end of the game effectively cursing the men’s basketball team to a road loss.

“Everybody knows with the game on the line you don’t predict a win via text, right!?” said Porter’s buddy Hal Meldon. “I mean the Bears were ahead by 2 points with less than 2 minutes to go, just show some restraint!”

Meldon compared the early text victory to a baseball teammate acknowledging a no-hitter to a pitcher or mentioning to a football team that they’re going to hold a team scoreless in the game. “Statistically, if you give any sort of recognition to the physical performance of a particular sporting event, the chances of witnessing anything spectacular greatly diminishes,” said sports scientist Lonny Umberg of Nevada State University.

Bears head coach Cuonzo Martin said, “I had a great feeling going into the final two minutes that we would secure a W. Then with about 90 seconds left I got a real bad feeling. Like someone jinxed us. I later learned about the texted win prediction. That’s just some poor sportsmanship…keep your fingers quiet till the end of the game.”

Missouri State University is considering a texting ban during all forthcoming men’s basketball games to ensure victories are not compromised in the future.

State officials said the quickest way to alert teens to the new change in law was to send them instant messages. “The messages are instant,” said Nixon. Distracted driving in any form is considered hazardous and the state thought it imperative to contact these teens as soon as possible.

Teen driver Lindy Holmgren said, “I was almost about to start my car when I received the text message from a Gov. Nixon. I was like, whateve lame. After I read it I totally blocked his number.”

Other teens weren’t so lucky. Austin Yammsville wrecked his car while reading the text message containing the new law changes. “Man, I was executing an attempt to parallel park and my phone blew up, so I checked it. Next thing I know, my rear bumper is two feet deep into a Chevy Tahoe. Thanks for the update G-Nix.”

When alerted to the problems, a spokesperson for the Governor said he was resting at home with tender texting thumbs, however, we was pleased that the messages had all been received. If teens don’t respond to the new laws, a new program is waiting in the wings. The Text-a-lizer, is an application installed onto a mobile phone that can detect if a teen has been texting and when activated will turn off the teen’s vehicle or lock out the ignition system preventing an increase in unsafe roadways.