Bottled stank available soon

Springfield, MO—The smelly, nasty cheese stank that rolls out of the Kraft plant on Glenstone Avenue will soon be available as a fragrance for people who wish to spray themselves with memories of the Ozarks.

The new bottled scent called “Eau de Cheese” goes on sale at local gas stations next month. Made of essential oils, alcohol and leftover cheese the unisex perfume is first captured as a gas emitted out the roof of the plant, cooled in a pipe and is collected in reservoirs for further processing and bottling.

Herman Jonses, the man who came up with the idea said, “I’ve lived across from the plant for years and you can always tell when they are making a new batch of cheese ‘cause it comes right over the street and into my house.” Jonses claimed that several former neighbors who once lived near him would appreciate the aromatic reminder of their old block.

“Jonses sent me this bottle that reeked of something awful, when I opened the package it hit me and I knew exactly what it was. Kraft. That SOB done bottled it up and sent it to me, I appreciate that,” said former neighbor, Louis Nellifind.

If the cologne sales increase an entire line of body washes could become available. “I see men’s skin care, body lotions and after shave as real possibilities in the future, if the market wants it,” said Jonses, “of course, Kraft has no idea that I’m making this stuff.”

This man has HAD it

Springfield, MO – Local zookeeper Adam Wilkins has just about had it, he reported late yesterday. Apparently the pecking order of employees comes at a cost that Mr. Wilkins is no longer prepared to tolerate.

“For 11 long years, I’ve lovingly maintained the reptile house, risking my life on several occasions in order to feed the snakes and all those other slimy things we keep in there. And for 10 years and 11 months I’ve had a request to be reassigned to somewhere with a shred of respectability. Somewhere like the elephant house; hell, at this point, I’d tolerate the monkeys flinging their poo at me. But I ain’t doing snakes no more. No more.”

For most of those 11 years, Mr. Wilkins’ unspoken resentment has done little to curry favor with either zoo patrons or fellow employees. He’s constantly referred to as “that creepy guy with a snake around his neck” and even his own supervisor had a bit of trouble conjuring up his name when asked. “Yeah, Adam, that’s it. I’m pretty sure he works here. I dunno….somehow the snakes and spiders get fed, so really, I’m good with it.”

When asked how the Springfield Zoo would “get along” without their star reptile house employee, should he make good on his threat to not take it any more, the supervisor said “I guess we’d hire someone else to throw rats in cages.

Somehow, we’d survive. Yes, I’m sure we’d make it. What was his name again?” “Do you see what I’m up against? DO YOU?” demanded Mr. Smee when told of his supervisors remarks. He abruptly ended the interview by ceremoniously tossing a snake at the interviewer, vowing to “teach those filthy ingrates a lesson.”

Most Ozarkers unsure how to pronounce closed restaurant's name

Springfield, MO—A Facebook post, tweet, e-mail news release, sky writing, and drunk-text from 417 Magazine confirmed late today that local eatery Bijan’s is closed for good. Local eater of food Shantal Johnson told us, through tears of shock, “I never actually ate there, but my boyfriend and I loved arguing over whether it was “Bee-Janns” or “Bi-Jawns” and I’m totally going to miss that.”

Even (former) employees (who used to work there) rarely spoke its name, instead referring to the Ozarks dining staple (which is CLOSED, people!) with near-Macbeth-level reverence as “the place where I work” or “you know, that expensive restaurant on Walnut.”

Adding to the confusion was a “closed for plumbing” sign hung on the front door and a report of owners not able to afford a liquor license. It seems this local pronunciation mystery will forever go unsolved, unless 417 includes a phonetic guide in tomorrow’s billboard obituary.

Mini Circus Tents appear across the Ozarks

Springfield, MO—A curious amount of small multi-colored tents have popped up around the Ozarks prompting much anticipation among citizens for the arrival of travelling companies filled with performers such as acrobats, clowns, trained animals, trapeze acts, musicians, hoopers, tightrope walkers, jugglers, unicyclists and other stunt-oriented artists.

“I can’t wait to see these little circuses. Or is it Cirqi? There are so many of them – what a variety! And they are so conveniently located too!” said Doris Prichardson. Most citizens can barely wait for the tiny tents to roll up their sides and expose the wonderful entertainment contained within.

Laurel Michaels speculated, “I suppose they have tiny, miniature animals in the tent, how could they have full size regular animals in there? It’s too small.” The “Little Top” buzz has grown considerably since the mini-circus tents began to appear early this month.

Not all people are buying into the excitement. Rudy Drobbins, of Republic, said, “I’m not really excited because my favorite part of the circus are the trapeze people. It’s not going to be very exciting seeing full grown men swinging about four feet above the air. Where’s the danger in that?” Drobbins continued, “If I want to see clowns, people sticking needles into their skin or runaways I can go to the square and see plenty of freakshows on Saturday night”

The tiny circuses are rumored to open very soon, then shut down after the Fourth of July. Advance tickets are available at Price Cutter, Hardees and Tiny’s Smokehouse.

"Genie" escapes from prison bottle; trims shrubs on way out

Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail.

Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now here in Branson, MO. The man can’t be contained by conventional prison systems.” Richardson/Ward, who works as a handyman and groundskeeper, had reportedly fixed a broken toilet and trimmed up some exterior hedges as he left the incarceration facility.

“I sure didn’t fix that commode or trim the shrubbery,” said Hankey. Over the past 30 years Richardson lead a new “absolutely pristine, spotless life in that time,” said his attorney. “A pristine lifetime that was too good to waste spending time behind bars I suspect,” said Tom Beck, Richardson’s brief cellmate.

A close friend, Roy Umber said, “Eugene was always looking to the next lawn to mow, the next door jam to fix. I’m not surprised he walked away from prison again. You can’t keep a good man down and you can’t keep Genie in the bottle or from exterior lawn care, even if you try to lock him up.”

Hankey confessed, “alls I know is he did a really nice job on the evergreens we had planted out front. He really is too talented to be locked up.”

Security guards upgrade to the Gun of God's Wrath to complete their uniform.

Springfield, MO— Evangel is the first university in the Ozarks to add lethal weaponry to their arsenal of first line defenders. For years the university had relied upon pieces of God’s Armor for protection, however, now the security officers are allowed to pack man-made heat.

The University first bestowed crime-fighting technology upon its protection force in 1965 with the Belt of Truth. Later additions include the Breastplate of Righteousness (1976), Sandals of Peace (1982), Shield of Faith (1995), Helmet of Salvation (2001), and the Sword of the Spirit (2004).

“The Sword of the Spirit was cool, I mean, it looked heavy and was awkward for the officers to carry, but man it was a visual deterrent from going on toilet papering runs at campus,” said Evangel grad Tony Hujilly.

Officials say arming the security officers with guns has been a long time coming. “While problems on campus are rare, you feel more comfortable going into a situation with a loaded pistol instead of the sandals of peace,” said the Director of Security, “plus the sandals were hard to run in,” he continued.

Evangel’s security guards will not have arresting powers, just the ability to blast the life from any human form made in His image. A press release stated, “Being the Crusaders, we thought it was time we updated our war gear from the BC technologies. Casting the fear of God into people is really our primary goal. If evildoers know we can inflict pain, as from the finger of God, then they know that to take our security force in vein is a mistake punishable in Hell. Oh and no coeds in rooms past 7:30.”

The Predator eagerly anticipates new home at Predator World

Branson West, MO—Predator World owners plan to reopen the facility with one new attraction in January. The new attraction will feature an unknown extraterrestrial species, referred only to as the Predator.

“What we do know is that the new attraction is a large, sapient and sentient humanoid creature who may or may not possess advanced technology such as active camouflage and energy weapons, and are capable of interstellar travel,” said Sheriff Richard Hill.

A spokesperson for Predator World said, “Adding the Predator is the crown jewel to Predator World. We feel that this new attraction will bring more tourists to the area and increase tax revenue for the city of Branson West.”

Last Friday the Stone County Sheriff‘s Department, Fire Department, and the Missouri Humane Society invaded “Predator World,” known for housing exotic animals and shut it down due to multiple violations. In light of these facts, it seems questionable that a company unable to control an earthly predator population would introduce an alien predator to suspect conditions.

Security issues remain a major cause of concern as the Predator’s body is resilient to damage, capable of recovering from multiple gunshot wounds and can absorb radiation doses which would be fatal to humans.

“Number one, how did they get this thing in captivity? Number B, how do they expect to keep him caged and not terrorizing the Ozarks? They already let two wolves out last year,” said an enraged resident upon hearing the news. “I’ll go once to say I saw it,” he added.

The Stone County Sheriff says due to Missouri statutes, all exotic animals in Predator World must be registered with the state including the Yautja and Hish species.

Local attorney snaps a pencil at mere mention of other local lawfirm

Springfield, MO— The phrase “Ah sir, they’ve hired Corbett Lawfirm” has been responsible for pencil breaks across the Ozarks. Initially thought to indicate that the case will be a snap to win against Corbett Lawfirm, sources close to the firm maintain that anger, fear, frustration and uncertainty are the human emotions tapped by the magical phrase to break a defenseless writing instrument.

A representative from the Ozark Pencil Company in St. Louis, MO claims that this intentional assault on personal property has “increased sales in Southwest Missouri” but claims that Ozark Pencil Company does not endorse such violent behavior toward inanimate products.

Physician Noel Yuglah said, “tremors in local attorney’s hands twitch so strongly at the mention of Corbett Lawfirm that no mortal can resist snapping a pencil with the fingers.” This phenomenon has been well document over the years. Some attorneys have heard the phrase and snapped other objects such as steak knives, cellular phones and their own fingers.

Local attorney Brad Traddins reported that he was driving down the road when an associate mentioned that they were going up against Corbett Lawfirm and Traddins snapped his steering wheel in half, causing the car to veer into an oncoming ambulance.

Usually, attorneys stricken by the tremors are in the process of writing in circles on blank pieces of paper, are grouped around a table and/or interfacing with an early 1990’s personal computer with simple email notification bells. Corbett Lawfirm has been sued multiple times for personal property damage and serious damage in a pencil accident, however when the cases are heard in court the prosecution is never able to maintain composure long enough to write a decipherable argument.

Reportedly, 35-year-old Roz Russell was driving recklessly at around 3:00 a.m. She was pulled over a by a deputy and then refused to submit to an intoxication test. “I can’t submit to a test I’ve not even been studying for,” said Russell stumbling over a case of Bailiff Beer-Ale that had fallen out of her vehicle.

The Benton County Court—presided over by the young, unorthodox Judge Harold T. “Harry” Stone—was scattering to find a replacement bailiff since Russell was originally scheduled to fill in for a co-worker. When contacted to report for work while vacationing in the Florida Keys, bailiff Nostradamus “Bull” Shannon replied, “Ohh-kay”.

The deputy booked the bailiff on charges of misdemeanor driving while intoxicated, refusing to submit to an intoxication test, and driving with a suspended or revoked license. “Now that’s a good trick Roz,” said Judge Stone.

Russell was arrested back in April for similar charges. She was released from Benton County Jail on Sunday and is scheduled to appear in night court on August 31st where she’ll serve as defendant and bailiff. Dan Fielding plans to go easy on Russell as long as Christine Sullivan agrees to have dinner with the lecherous, sex-obsessed narcissistic prosecutor.

“It was amazing to see him in person. His sold gold overalls, his gilded corn cob pipe , his glorious feet shining in the sun. He was a sight to behold,” said Randall Gray, a fair attendee.

The Emperor’s entourage was also present. His harem, made up of girls named only Charlene, Misty, and Erma, entranced the crowd with their lively jig. Thirty of the finest jug players filled the air with their haunted, beautiful tones. The Emperor’s honor guard, brandished pitch forks and rode armor-clad swine, making sure no harm would befall him.

The Empire itself has a rich history. The Ozarks Empire was founded in the early 1820′s when the original 12 Hillbilly tribes unified to defeat a very large opossum. In its peak of power the Empire stretched over Southwest Missouri and some of Arkansas. In that time they built numerous out-houses, mastered the walnut bowl, and found 154 uses for a wooden block. Most photographic evidence of the Empire can be seen on post cards in various gift shops.

The Ozarks Empire Fair not only honors the Emperor, but the Empire as a whole. The historic exhibits chronicle major events of the empire: the battle of Silver Dollar, the betrayal of Emperor Cletus Jimson by his coon-dog Gary, and Judd Bobueas’ conversion from moonshine to whiskey.

The Emperor plans to stay two nights at the fair, and will then depart for his annual pilgrimage to Big Rock Candy Mountain.