People line up to participate in 'Brown Friday'

Springfield, Mo – One day after gorging themselves with Thanksgiving fixin’s, many Ozarkers will take part in a pre-dawn ritual which will see them gathering in front of entrance doors with an excited urgency amid frenzied crowds.  Anxiously, as if their lives depended on it, they will push and shove their way to the front of the pack while being careful not to get trampled.  Once inside their destination, they must quickly take advantage of their situation as they release the pent up energy that’s been building inside.  No, it’s not pre-holiday shopping deals that they will take advantage of, but an emergency trip to the bathroom to evacuate their bowels on what’s being dubbed “Brown Friday”.

“One can only stretch their stomach and the laws of physics so far until something has to give,” says MSU Department of Biomedical Sciences professor, Gottog Opoo.  “What goes up, must come down. What goes in …well you get the rest.  Stuffing oneself on triple helpings of Aunt Jeanie’s marshmellow yams and cheese casserole can only lead to one inevitable conclusion.”

Local plumbers will be on-call for any emergency toilet issues that may arise.

“Toilets are only designed to handle so much,” said a DeLong Plumbing representative.  “To be sure that your family is protected, check your toilet manufacturer’s operating limits guidelines.  Past ‘Brown Friday’s’ have seen a 10 fold increase in toilet usage.  Let’s just say that our local sewer system will be nearing its maximum capacity.”

Despite the health risks associated with over-eating and the stress on our aging sewer systems, this popular tradition is likely to endure for generations to come.  It does seem certain that after Thanksgiving, come the crack of dawn, Ozarkers will continue to dawn their cracks.”

Downtown rikshas will be outfitted with portable pay to pottie porta-potties

Springfield MO—In an effort to help the city of Springfield make money when people use the toilet, Porta-Potties will soon be in everyone’s front yards.  “The city loses money every time someone flushes the toilet,” commented City Manager Greg Burris.  “We did not want to dump on another tax increase to people even though we are still floating that option.”
Burris further added, “We explored a few other options to keep up with costs like installing pay-as-you-go stalls in peoples houses.  The stalls would charge $2.00 (in exact change only) any time they were in use.  But until we get some federal stimulus money for funding that idea is too impractical even for us.  The Porta-Pottie program would go like this.  Nice looking versions of a typical Ozarks outhouse would be place in the front yards of homes in Springfield.  People that live in apartments or college dorms would have a row of them in the parking lot.  Once a month a truck would come by to gather the waste and then take it to the sewer treatment plant.  The end result would be one big flush instead of a thousand little ones a true cost saving device for the end user and a real moneymaker for the city.  By this way of going, people won’t be as pissed when they pay.”
While the flushing issue appears to be down the drain the next item on the agenda will be the CO2 problem caused by the new Southwest 2 power plant.  “There is an old saying that it costs money to breathe,” said Burris.  “People in Springfield will soon have to make the choice of whether to turn the lights on or exhale.  But at least they can get some quiet time in the Ozarks throne room for cheap.”

“The restrooms themselves are a showcase themselves,” said the theater’s Assistant Executive Assistant to the Executive Producer’s Assistant, John’da Leeky confusing herself.

“Everytime I walk in there it’s (gasp) this can’t be! What a waste of effin’ money!” says Jimmy Ilvine of Indiana. “I could take this eagle’s beak sink spigot, sell it on eBay and pay my mortgage for 3 years instead of enjoying this conspicuous defecation.”

“Yeah, talk about pissin’ your money away,” says Alicia Stark of Lee’s Summit, Mo. as she wiped her nose with a 1934 $10 bill pulled from a tissue case stocked with the uncirculated collector’s currency.

“It’s not walking into a restroom, it’s walking into a giant toilet bowl where money is flushed away by the minute,” says Stark.

For the ladies: fresh flowers, crystal chandeliers, and a spritz of perfume made from freshly crushed Faberge eggs by restroom attendant Shirley.

For the men: lionhead sinks, magical wiper blades, iced urinals, and a pool table. Sometimes, the big man stops by for a game himself.

“Mr. Tabuchi likes to come up sometimes and play a game of pool with our guests,” says Leeky.

“Looked to me like he was hitting them balls pretty well – he’s handled a few before,” says Ilvine, who once witnessed a game, “handled a few cue balls, y’know, not my 8-ball, but his own stripes and solids….ah, come to think of it, a shuffle board table would be more appropriate in this particular location.”

If you’ve always heard but never witnessed the old saying “throwing money thrown down the drain” make sure you head down to Branson this weekend and visit this unique Ozarks destination.

If you’d like to vote, check out http://www.BestRestroom.com