A young couple practice singing "dot com" before Expedia auditions

Springfield, MO—In a news conference held last week, Expedia Inc. announced it will expand its digital voice in Springfield by adding approximately 500 singing jobs. The company is looking to hire people to sing “dot com” in teams of two or more for every page visit to Expedia.com.

“The online travel marketplace is flooded with competition. One way to differentiate our brand is to use live vocal singers to actually project ‘dot com’ after each page load to enhance our customer’s experience on our site, Expedia.com,” Cliff Trebble, Expedia Vice President of Global Vocal Strategy said in an interview after the news conference.

Local and state officials were in attendance and proclaimed the mega travel site’s decision to invest in Missouri vocalists as yet another clear indication that the area and state will overcome this current recessionary period.

“The hiring process will take time. We may hire a few balladeers to start, then proceed to pick up yodelers and then songsters three to four months down the line. We have needs for baritones, sopranos, and tenors who are willing to sing at people browsing our website for 8-9 hours a day,” said Trebble.

In February, Expedia signed a five-year lease to occupy 59,000 square feet in the former Springfield-Branson National Airport terminal building, which is currently under construction. Approximately sixty percent of that space will be built into several soundproof rooms for actual work-related crooning, and one major concert hall to provide an area for practice.

Signs give directions to other signs

Springfield, MO—City officials hope that new signs located around town will better inform citizens on the best place to find new signs. Originally meant to point tourists to locations such as Bass Pro Shops, Battlefield Mall and Commercial Street, the new wayfarer signs will instead point to new sign locations.

“We were so proud of the signs that we decided to rework the business location markers and instead call out the locations of these fantastic signs,” said a prominent city official.

Wayfarer signs are located in multiple locations around town, however, a number of them are in the downtown area. “Yeah, it’s cool. I mean, I can look at one sign and then see where the next sign is going to be about 100 feet in front of me. It’s like Joseph G. McCoy extending the Chisholm Trail from Wichita to Abilene, Kansas but a lot less necessary,” said Jeremy Huefferd, a downtown loft dweller.

Anthropologist Lou Schefting says people enjoy knowing that they are being provided with guidance from their local government. “So what you’re telling me is I can look at one sign, and then get the location of the next sign just by looking at the first sign? That’s freekin’ mind blowing!,” exclaimed Jennifer Salla, a fan of signage.

Reports of several people circling downtown walking from sign to sign have led officials to declare the war on misdirection officially over. “Citizens now have a place to know where to go to find more information,” said one city official.

A Branson entertainer about to add his comedic chops

Branson, MO—FCN has learned the Missouri Department of Health Services is unveiling plans to require all Branson comedians wear dentures during the 2010 season. A DHS insider wishing to remain anonymous told FCN, “We have overlooked it for years because it was quaint and funny but for front-row patrons, it really has the potential of turning into a nasty health issue.”

Officials looked the other way on the no-teeth rule citing the tremendous economic boom the toothless funny men brought to the Branson economy. The source continued, “We let it get really out of hand, now nearly every single show on the strip features a toothless act.”

Local orthodontist Bob Mussleman said, “We went to a show last season and health concern aside, it was way scary to watch.” Mussleman went on, “Hell that guy with no teeth gave my wife nightmares for weeks and she has just now stopped wetting the bed.” He went on, “When you can buy a set of really nice choppers for $79.95 plus tax, there is simply no excuse.”

A spokesperson for the powerful Droopy Drawers brand told FCN, “Mr. Drawers is devastated by this development.” Continuing, “He wants his fans to know that he is a trained professional and his trademark ability to pull his bottom lip up past the bridge of his nose would be greatly hindered with enforcement of this onerous denture requirement.” It is uncertain how this will affect the upcoming tourist season but one local Branson Convention and Visitors Bureau staffer summed up this way; “Hey DHS, bite me!”

The Predator eagerly anticipates new home at Predator World

Branson West, MO—Predator World owners plan to reopen the facility with one new attraction in January. The new attraction will feature an unknown extraterrestrial species, referred only to as the Predator.

“What we do know is that the new attraction is a large, sapient and sentient humanoid creature who may or may not possess advanced technology such as active camouflage and energy weapons, and are capable of interstellar travel,” said Sheriff Richard Hill.

A spokesperson for Predator World said, “Adding the Predator is the crown jewel to Predator World. We feel that this new attraction will bring more tourists to the area and increase tax revenue for the city of Branson West.”

Last Friday the Stone County Sheriff‘s Department, Fire Department, and the Missouri Humane Society invaded “Predator World,” known for housing exotic animals and shut it down due to multiple violations. In light of these facts, it seems questionable that a company unable to control an earthly predator population would introduce an alien predator to suspect conditions.

Security issues remain a major cause of concern as the Predator’s body is resilient to damage, capable of recovering from multiple gunshot wounds and can absorb radiation doses which would be fatal to humans.

“Number one, how did they get this thing in captivity? Number B, how do they expect to keep him caged and not terrorizing the Ozarks? They already let two wolves out last year,” said an enraged resident upon hearing the news. “I’ll go once to say I saw it,” he added.

The Stone County Sheriff says due to Missouri statutes, all exotic animals in Predator World must be registered with the state including the Yautja and Hish species.