Local Reverend escapes hellish church parking lot traffic with Monster Truck

Springfield, MO —After a wonderful church service preaching harmony and brotherhood, First & Harmony United Church members were hell bent on getting out of the parking lot.

Cutting off Deacon Grover, Rebecca Shroud – the Children’s Music Minister – stealthily avoided a collision and exited onto Cherry Street, freed to meet her friends at lunch to discuss Reverend Mathis’ sermon on harmonious living.

Other churchgoers were not so lucky to escape quickly. Several of the congregation were stuck in a long twisting line, jockeying for position toward the exits. Tighter than a pew on Easter Service, cars filled with recipients of the pastors message of hope and tolerance edged closer to the exit with little hope of avoiding a 20-minute wait.

One motorist, Gail Hubbard, patiently waited for an opening to make a left turn into the exit line when she suddenly snapped and gunned her minivan into a competitive position, nearly removing a BMW bumper in the process.

Gene Roark was seen slamming his firsts onto his steering wheel cursing the devil’s traffic jam then finally burst into tears. Secretary Jarvis tailgated Office Manager Joan Higgins SUV as she cleared a path through the masses.

Reverend Mathis was seen bursting out the back of the church in his Bigfoot Crushin’ Crusadermobile, race down a runway flanked with bursting flames and fireworks and hit a ramp sending the Reverend into the air, over the parking lot and smash down a top the children’s playground equipment, easily avoiding the congressional congestion.

Local Man Causes A Spectacular Nightmare for Neighbors

Springfield, MO—The Christmas spirit has once again affected neighborhood congestion and increased neighbor frustration as Jimmy Kilroy plasters his home and lawn with thousands of holiday lights. Every Christmas, Kilroy spends months decorating his exterior with festive animatronics, hanging hundreds of twinkling light strands and choreographing them to holiday music.

Locals flock to Kilroy’s street to see the extravagant indulgence disguised as the “Christmas Spirit” while overwhelming his local electric power sub station. “I can’t stand the holidays anymore living next to him. It took my 45 minutes to get into my driveway last night.  Can’t these people just go away? This is my home, my home,” said Julie Newton sobbing as she spoke.

A City Utilities spokesman commended Kilroy’s efforts saying, “I’m sure we would all receive a significantly lower bonus each year if he decided to hang up his holiday celebrations. We wish more people in this community would follow his lead and increase their energy usage, ah, increase their Christmas Spirit, rather, every year.”

“Who does this guy think he is causing a damn roadblock with his twinkling lights? I can’t get down my street from all the rubberneckers and the intense light from his yard keeps me awake every night!” said an unidentified angry neighbor.

Kilroy is currently accepting donations to pay for his electronic vomit of exterior illumination celebration. “If the man can’t pay for it himself, he should shut it down. Is this charity or encouraging a spectacle?” muttered the unnamed neighbor as he destroyed the reindeer display nearest his lawn by kicking it in the carefully choreographed light-up chest.

SIgns posted reminding Ozark's motorists of omnipresent improvements

Springfield, MO—Roadwork across the Ozarks has caused delays at every turn as money is poured into highways, interchanges, traffic signals, lane widening, resurfacing, and pavement sealing.

Currently route 60/65 is undergoing replacement of bridges, construction of new bridges and two “flyover” ramps. I-44/Glenstone Avenue is undergoing bridge replacement, ramps rebuilding, and insertion of added traffic signals.

Motorist Hoarst Ugula said, “I’m glad that we’re creating jobs and rebuilding our infrastructure but this is a major pain in the pothole.”

Most construction projects are slated for completion in 2010, with a few major projects wrapping up in 2012. “Hey, that’s just three more years of this chaos. I mean that’s not very long in the history of the earth,” said a frustrated motorist waiting to get through the construction-congested interchange of highway 14 and 65 in Ozark, MO.

“National street, Kearney street, route 160, 73, M, ZZ, 248, F, K. It is a freaking alphabet soup and numerical nightmare in Greene County!” expressed an Ahmad Frutik, another frustrated motorist.

MoDOT says Springfield drivers are being warned to expect traffic delays everywhere and forever. “Traffic patterns change but congestion is always here. What’s that they say ‘if you don’t like the weather, it’ll change tomorrow’? Well, if you don’t like your congested commuter route, wait until tomorrow cause it’ll change,” said Norman Scheffler a native Brookline resident.