Happy Holiday Traffic Nightmare

Springfield, MO – Lewis Hankerton attempted to drive 2 miles south of his home on Thursday to pick up trash bags and dishwasher detergent “real quick” only to be greeted with the snarling entrapment known only as Holiday Traffic.

Hankerton quickly escaped his driveway and was making great time down his neighborhood side streets. Wide smile upon his face, he noticed a far off twinkling…a red and blue flashing light. Little did he realize that his quick trip to the local mart was about to be mauled by police working a fender bender.

“I seen Lewis drive by tappin’ his steering wheel as he left our neighborhood. I prayed to God Almighty that he’d return safe. Lord knows I wouldn’t dare go out into that highway of hell at this time of the year,” said Yancy Liferton, a southeast neighbor.

Hankerton quickly entered the corridor of calamity known locally as the intersection of Glenstone & Battlefield and cursed his unfortunate timing. Quick thinking encouraged Hankerton to turn left at the intersection and take Primrose to circumvent the looming traffic accident head only to be stopped short at by a snarling line of red brake lights at Luster & Republic.

Popping his car into gear, Hankerton sped past the monotonous line of motorists to make a quick left and arrive to his megastore destination. Parked car relieved, he quickly took up shopping cart to battle the imposing traffic down the aisles of annoyance.

Cloud city bus transfer station selected by CU

Springfield, MO – Local City Utility officials have decided that the best option for building a new bus transfer station will be in the sky. Bus Cloud Station 14 will be built by 2014 and will hover above downtown Springfield, directly above the existing bus station.

“It really is a great solution, we don’t have to impose eminent domain and we don’t need to allocate funds to purchase land. The only hurdle we have to cross is the power of levitation. And by 2014 we should have that well in hand,” said one CU board member. The futuristic bus transfer station will be large enough to accommodate CU’s new fleet of hover-bus due to arrive in the next three years.

“We really thought the hover-buses deserved a new land based transfer station, but then we realized, hey they all hover!” said the CU board member. According to sources the bus transfer station is looking to employ a superior race of hawk-men to work and maintain the structure. “Hawk-men have been living their entire lives in the sky, they’d be the best option we are going to explore,” said a release from the CU human resources department. “We’re also seeking the leadership that a Landau Calrissian could bring to our cloud operation,” said the release.

CU plans to pay for the new hover station with a slight increase in gas and electricity over the period of two months. The amount generated should be enough to rent the Super Proton Synchrotron (SPS) tunnel, located at the CERN particle research centre near Geneva to find the elusive anti-gravity molecules necessary for project completion.

Lou Stitall stands after sliding out the bus ramp

Springfield, MO—Career bus driver Lou Stitall was charged with criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, and trespassing after an argument with a passenger led to an apparent meltdown on Campbell Avenue. Authorities said Stitall dropped several f-bombs on the City Utilities bus’ loudspeaker, grabbed two smokes, then deployed the bus’ emergency ramp, and took off.

According to one witness, one passenger got out of his bus seat to fetch his belongings from the seat in front of his before the driver had come to a complete stop and given permission. “The driver instructed the man to remain seated. The passenger then cursed him. So the driver approached and reached the passenger just as he yanked over his luggage, which struck the driver in the head,” said one bus rider, Jeremy Opper, who was seated near the front of the bus and had an open pack of Winston cigarettes laying next to him.

After the driver’s request for an apology was answered with profanity by the passenger, Stitall took to the speaker system and announced, “To the passenger who called me a mother-father, shut the front door… I’ve been in the business 28 years. I’ve had it. That’s it.”

City Utilities is, of course, taking this seriously and helping the Missouri Highway Department with their investigation. However, said the utility in a statement: “At no time was the security or safety of our customers at risk.”

Stitall, the working-class hero who was pushed over the edge, is being charged with 2nd- and 4th-degree criminal mischief, 1st- and 2nd-degree reckless endangerment, and criminal trespass in the 3rd degree.

Pretty much the only thing nonstop flight passengers will ever see

Branson, MO—Branson Airport has added two new nonstop flights that never stop. Branson AirExpress, operated by ExpressJet Airlines, will operate the nonstop flights May 17^th.

The nonstop flights are a first for the airport which usually operates between destinations. Offering nonstop flights comes with unique requirements such as mid-air refueling and restocking of supplies. The Airport Executive Director said, “we’re proud to offer nonstop flights for passengers who never want to return to Earth.”

Passengers will be aboard the planes until their demise and those who pass while aboard the nonstop flights will have their corpses jettisoned from the aircraft. Passengers will be allowed to book their nonstop flight willingly for themselves or friends and family can pay for tickets for those people they find annoying.

The criminal segment is taking particular interest in the program as an optional life sentence solution. “If I could load up an AirBus full of the most rotten criminals and send them hurdling around the globe, I could free up a lot of jail space,” said Greene County Jail manager Hewie Didit.

“I’d love to travel, I think a nonstop flight will be the best way to see the world!” said a giddy Rebecca Gower, who didn’t fully grasp the concept of never being allowed to exit the plane.

Branson Airport adds trophy mounts to all flights

Springfield, MO—Not to be outdone by the Springfield-Branson National Airport’s increase in passengers, the Branson Airport has unveiled plans to add hunting trophies to the interior of each flight arriving and departing from the terminal.

“Most airports have distinct personalities, we have a rustic outdoor sporting feel and the taxidermy has been a welcome addition to flights for our customers,” said Branson Airport management.

Most flights originating from the Branson Airport will feature multiple stuffed animals both in first class and coach seating. “First curtain will contain the more exotic mounts, the lions, bears, tigers…all the Oz animals, coach will have whitetail deer, birds of prey and animals indigenous to the Ozarks,” said Rusty Maltrop, a local taxidermist assigned to create the in-flight wildlife museum.

Passengers arriving today were the first to experience the new décor and most had a positive experience. Jessica Rutledge said, “it was cool, I was a bit cramped because the deer head in my aisle was mounted to the side of the plane and the antlers were poking me, but y’know I liked it.”

“I went to place my carryon bag into the overhead compartment and a huge turtle greeted me. I was surprised at first. In fact, I had to dry my pants in the lavatory before we took off. I loved it, what a great story to tell my family,” remarked Kenny Ribbles.

The Branson Airport has plans to install robotic mounts to help with the preflight instructions. According to reports, a robotic beaver will guide passengers through seatbelt usage, emergency exit procedures and water landings.

Frontier Airlines cited the added esthetics as the decisive factor in determining whether or not to add services to the Branson Airport. Frontier released a statement saying, “We think an airport that is dedicated to providing a custom, unique experience is a good fit for our brand. We’re excited to service outdoorsy people from the Ozarks hills to the Rocky Mountains.”

Traffic cones consume society In Springfield, MO

Springfield, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Ozark inhabitant, three highway cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects occurring around the area.

Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 500,000 cones exist within Springfield city limits.

Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once the road project nearest them is completed as a souvenir for the “rebuilding of America” according to President Obama.

Economic stimulus funds are providing the catalyst for highway and thoroughfare improvement, however a side booming business is the cultivation of new traffic cones. The true origin of the traffic cone is not truly understood. Most agree that they are manufactured and distributed, however, some organizations–such as the Traffic Cone Preservation Society–suggest the Conus originates from an ancient squid known as Polypodis narensis.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen so many cones appear at once. Maybe they are a living species and multiplying in construction environments where they thrive… Or maybe a dude in a truck drops them off. I’m not sure anymore,” said Hershel Jones who lives next to the intersection of highway 44 and Glenstone. He continued, “If they are an alien life form, I hope they introduce me to Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtain.”

Trolley's confusion leads to lines of people seeking public transportation

Springfield, MO—Occasionally long lines of commuters seeking a ride through the city will form outside Trolley’s, a popular downtown Springfield restaurant. Last weekend more than 35 people assembled waiting to purchase a seat on Springfield’s Trolley.

“The sign says ‘Trolley’s’ so there better be a dang ol’ electric powered car to haul my butt around,” said an angered would-be patron. Another impatient client-to-be exclaimed, “I’ve been waiting here for 20 minutes. I saw the line from across the square and thought I would get in. I love trolley rides they are so romantic.”

A spokesman for Trolley’s said they have experienced these mistakes in the past and claims that far more people line up at the local Goldminds seeking a pick-axe and miners helmet so they can search for precious metals.

“They should put on the sign ‘not a real trolley’,” cried Joan Mercer who had missed an appointment with her hairdresser while waiting for the trolley at Trolley’s. Most downtown regulars find the lines of people amusing, some even consider then a target for fraud. Last month an elderly lady sold 14 tickets to people waiting in line. “She was so sweet I just had to buy a ticket for the trolley,” confessed Joe Kage, a victim of the geriatric’s hijinks.

Part owner of Trolley’s and former The Bachelor contestant Aaron Buerge says he doesn’t mind the extra attention during the morning hours and may even consider opening for breakfast if the people continue to line the streets waiting for a ride.

Other winners this year include “Best Airport” (Springfield Regional Airport, which thoroughly trounced the lesser known Downtown Airport), “Best Zoo,” (Dickerson Park Zoo, which continues to lead over Exotic Animal Paradise), and “Best Price Cutter” (The Price Cutter on Republic Road, which won handily over the other Price Cutter next door on Republic Road).

The competition, created by 417 Magazine, is a popularity contest of sorts for area businesses, eateries, and other attractions. The results can range from the predictable (“Best Japanese Stroll Garden”: Mizumoto Japanese Stroll Garden) to the surprising (in the “Best Sinkhole” division, a relative newcomer, the sinkhole at West Division in front of Colorgraphic Printing, beat the older 75-foot Nixa Sinkhole). Occasionally a business can ‘sweep’ in several categories, as happened this year in the case of a home on East Atlantic that took both “Best Meth House” and “Best Puppy Mill.”

The least decisive category this year proved to be the “Best Springfield Cashew Chicken” contest, which ended in a 712-way tie, with each of the city’s 712 restaurants that offer this dish receiving one vote apiece.

“The May numbers are a surprise,” Jeff Bourk, Executive Director, Branson Airport, said in a news release, “It was the busiest month in the airport’s history. To manage that, in the middle of a recession, is a tribute to the strength of the Branson air market and the local economy.”

“Didn’t the Branson airport just open this Spring?” asked local traveler Ben Uman.

Officials attribute the growth to lower fares, as airlines try to fill seats by cutting prices; having absolutely no growth or traffic last May; and an airport advertising campaign leading up to the airport opening – an event that closely coincided with the opening of the new terminal at Springfield-Branson Airport.

“Our growth numbers and percent change over last year are enormous. Nobody could have predicted we’d have infinite percent increases. Nobody I know can even count that high, so really it’s more of an educated guess. Our accountants gave it a thumbs up. Double thumbs in fact. That’s twice as good,” said Bourk.

Attempts to explain the numerical flaws to airport officials failed. “When you start with zero, any increase in traffic would positive growth…(Branson Airport) are always trying to one-up us!” said Gary A. Cyr, Sr., Director of Aviation at Springfield Branson National Airport.

“Man, I could sell tickets to this event. It’s like a free demolition derby out here. Watching vehicles with not too quick drivers try and squeeze under this overpass is worth the price of admission, which right now is free. But I could sell tickets to this event,” says local homeless man Streeter McCord.

The city installed 16-foot-wide “low clearance” signs on either side of the underpass in January 2006, yet vehicles continue to become wedged below the overpass built in 1910. “So, what your saying is there is another one stuck out there? What the crap is going on, people? The signs are sixteen feet wide,” said an exhausted Joanie Hampton, SPD traffic officer.

“Boy, I thought I could make it. I think if I were going faster the wind velocity would push my rig down tight against the asphalt and I could squeeze under,” pondered recent stuck truck driver Kirk Sadler, “Lemme back up and try it again, c’mon.”

The sign company who manufactured the signs said they measured the height before printing the 11’ 6” signs and confirmed that indeed the height remained 6’ 11”. When pressed for further details, the company said, “our company policy is to measure once, cut twice. And, yes our founder, Abe Chisletooth did have a mild case of dyslexia.”

The City plans to keep the signs in place and perhaps sell tickets to watch the traffic attempt to clear the overpass. “We could use the additional revenue,” said Greg Burris, City Manager.

“What? Hey man, that was my idea,” said Streeter McCord.