Enough water - yeah?

Springfield, MO- With rain seemingly falling constantly for a period of days, many Ozarkians are wondering why this rain could not come earlier to relieve the drought ridden summer. In yesterday’s press conference Mother Nature was very direct in her answer.
“You whiners complained about no rain all summer. Well, you want some water? Here you go you babies. Drink it up,” Mother Nature told members of the press. “Sorry about the dried up corn. I wonder how you are going to like it when it is a foot underwater.”
Many factors may be leading up Mother Nature’s negative attitude. Some say her on-again-off-again relationship with Father Time has reached a boiling point. Others say it was just “that time of the century”. But, most agree the pressure was getting to her.
“She has a lot on her plate,” says Anna Perenna who is Nature’s personal assistant. “She has to divvy out snow and rain for the world. She is the head of all the flora and fauna committees. And she has a pretty big event planned December 10, 2012, ahead of schedule even.”
Mother Nature tells FCN that now that the rain has stopped she has other plans.
“Let’s see. A lot of you made snaky comments about ‘In Missouri if you don‘t like the weather, wait a while,’” said Mother Nature. “Maybe I will Game of Thrones it up and have 5 years of fall.
Other entities such as Old Man Winter, Father Time, and Jack Frost all tried to talk since into Mother Nature.
“We tell her that human’s complain all the time, not to take it personal,” says Old Man Winter. “I either have kids complain about no snow days or adults complain about the road conditions. You can’t win. The only thing to do is don’t take it personally and freeze as many to death as possible.”

Workers repair ball imprints in concrete

Springfield, MO – Police have a simple warning for whoever is leaving their mark on all of the freshly poured pedestrian paths: “keep your junk off of our sidewalks”. The recent rash of testicular vandalism was first reported near the corner of Campbell & Walnut Lawn by Edna Lewis.

Edna noticed the twin divots when walking her Pomeranian, Mr. Fuzzles, and immediately notified the city. “It takes balls to do something that appalling. Big balls. Really, they had to be huge. Mr. Fuzzles almost scraped his little nose when he stepped right into the left one.” Edna quoted. Police have no suspects at the time, but patrols are closely watching all construction zones in the city.

Private Investigator Lewis Tuggington said, “Teabagging–or the dipping of one’s testicles into or onto something–is a social pariah, especially in permanent material such as sidewalk concrete. Fortunately, testicular sacks leave specific marks, much like fingerprints. I’m going to catch the Sidewalk’n Teabagger.”

Locals have differing views of the confusing marks. “I was sure a cow had walked through the wet concrete…until I saw some curly q’s sticking out. Then I knew it was a case of reproductive mandalism,” said Howard Frukipper, “I used to do it as a kid and I can tell you that there is nothing like the sensation of dropping trough and squatting to claim your territory, but people let’s keep it off our sidewalks.”

Bus-jackin'

Springfield, MO- 4th graders from Hilldale Elementary staged a daring coup yesterday when they took over a school bus to escape from the horrors of school. The 4th graders, armed with sling-shots and water pistols filled with cat urine held bus driver Hector Barnslow hostage and demanded a new destination.
“It was awful,” Hector tells FCN. “I was this close [he put his fingers inches from each other] to a mouth full of cat piss. Also they put boogers on their fingers and threaten to touch my face with it.”
The ring leader of the group was Danny Mitchell, a forth grader with a penchant for trouble making and an 8th grade reading level. Over the summer he recruited several of his bus mates using tactics such as bribery with comics; threats of telling everyone about their crushes; and hosting lavish tree house parties complete with s’mores, pizza rolls, and R rated movies.
“I really felt like a somebody,” stated Marvin Marx. “One minute I was a loser playing X-Box with my little sister the next I know I am rubbing elbows with grade school royalty eating cheetoes by the bowl full, so sure I was going to help him with the scheme.”
With the players in place it was easy for them to take over the bus. Even the under- cover cop was quickly restrained.
“I don’t know how they knew he was a cop. Sure he was 5’7, but he was clean shaven, wore a beanie hat, and had a trapper keeper,” said Officer Chambers. “I guess we need to stop getting our ideas from 80’s TV or their movie remakes.”
Once the students took control they demanded for a different route. Ideas for destinations ranged from Disney World, Dairy Queen, The North Pole, and Hogswart Castle. They finally settled on a Branson mini golf.
The plan was derailed however when the students found out that mini pizzas would be served during school lunch and immediately demanded to go to school.

Criminals can’t believe their good fortune

Springfield, MO – Thousands of local citizens will gather in public places to heighten crime prevention awareness, strengthen neighborhood spirit and police-community partnerships, and generate support for participation in local anticrime programs…while criminals ransack their unoccupied homes.

“This is seriously, like the best thing to ever happen to us,” said criminal Bluto Snatchnsuck, “I’m planning to hit pull in enough robberies to last me all year in this one night.” Citizens are prepared to send a message to criminals letting them know that neighborhoods are organized and willing to fight back. “By leaving my home and demonstrating in a public place, I’ll be able to strike fear into the hearts of those who want to deprive me of my hard earned possessions,” said Amy Dingaling of Ravenwood South.

Organized crime syndicates, loosely assembled former prisoners, and whacked out meth heads have prepared for this celebration since it was announced nationally. “So ah, yeah, we gots guys ready to go,” said Babyface Nickles of the Bambino family, “I couldn’t tank the government enough for allowing us to have this bail out opportunity during this down economy.”

Residents of Midtown, Doling Park, Grant Beach, Woodland Heights and Fulbright Springs are expected to turn out in force and return home to empty dwellings. “We are waiting for the celebrations to be moved to Rivercut, Highland Springs, Hickory Hills and the Ravenwood Spring Creek areas. That would be a coupe!” said Snatchnsuck.

Freistatt farmer’s daughters preparing to fight fires

FREISTATT, Mo. – The village of Freistatt is announcing a unique measure to help its own citizens prevent grass fires. The village will provide beer saved from last years’ Ernte-Fest to anyone living within a three-mile radius of Freistatt that has access to their own 3,000 to 5,000-gallon portable beer tank. Officials stress the beer is strictly for the purpose of preventing grass fires in Freistatt, not for “happy joy time” or human consumption.

Due to the extreme heat and dry hazardous conditions in the area, the local board felt providing beer for farmers to have on hand to temporarily delay any fears of grass fires would be in the best interest of the community.  The beer, if allowed to be consumed, would also help in comforting farmers who are losing thousands of dollars in crops and livestock.

Tanks will be filled on a one-time basis; refills will only be available to people who can prove they used all their beer fighting a fire. There is no charge for the one-time fill. Penny tanker nights are under consideration, if a person is experiencing multiple fires.

“I have had like 6 or 8 fires just yesterday so I filled up my tanks with enough beer to fight fires well into 2014,” said farmer Greg Juntakith, “I think this is a great program and I was very pleased with the pint glasses that were provided for pitching the beer onto the grass.”

Auction presents ample opportunity for outside interests

Branson, MO – Several groups have expressed interest in cultivating the land known as Indian Ridge into a world-class casino located in the heartland; the land goes on auction soon and several buyers are preparing their top-dollar bids.

“Our people have been cultivating this land for centuries,” said Little Big Hand, an American Native who has aspirations of opening a casino in the Branson area, “why shouldn’t we redirect water ways to make a river through the valley to place a floating structure of chance and luck upon it?”

Others are more apprehensive and suggest that the land could be used as an off-track betting site. “with a few hundred dollars, I could place some tv screens inside one of the hotels, er houses that are almost finished and be ready to take bets on action around the world,” said Slick Pockets of an outside interest group in New Jersey.

More than ample interest is streaming in, and some of the most concerning interest groups include extreme paint ball enthusiasts and government entities determined to purchase the half-finished dwellings to be used as a facility for closed-quarters combat training. “The opportunities presented would simulate mountainous regions and half-finished housing. These conditions are hard to find within the continental United States, but as the housing market continues to dwindle we are finding more chances to take advantage of ‘economic rebounds’,” said Major Whogivesacrap.

Who knows...they are from the future

Springfield, MO – According to sources inside the FieldHouse Sportscenter, whose ground breaking ceremony recently occurred, many are considering including the word “court” in the name. Currently, the FieldHouse caters only to sports played on a court, not a field.

“Basketball and volleyball are most certainly played on courts, not fields,” said one insider, John Swimmer, with unwavering accuracy. “If we were hosting teams of youth who played football, soccer, ‘field’ hockey or rugby maybe we could justify ‘field’ or maybe even ‘pitch’ house. But ‘court’ most accurately describes what our stated focus is,” said Swimmer.

CourtHouse does carry some deeply held beliefs both positive and negative. “I remember when I went to the courthouse and got married. I also recall being sentenced to community service at the court house. I think that symbolizes sports accomplishments and failures. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. That’d be a more accurate description of the sports facility,” said Nancy Hoemapper of Ozark, MO.

Historian Harper Hanley said, “Who knows how the naming process went, maybe the facility naming committee considered Allen Fieldhouse in Lawrence, Kansas as inspiration. I could certainly see how taking a cue from an organization that refers to itself after a fictional bird might easily confuse the words fields and court. Perhaps they watch a lot of ESPN’s Sports Center and wanted to honor that program as well. It is hard to tell. Most confusing is that the website shows it as being established in 2013 – the future. My only assumption is that they are time travelers and have a greater understanding than I am exposed to currently.”

Opponents of the name change insist that fields do exist in homes, take for example gravity. Plus the name Court House might suggest that the facility is a speed dating institution. Common ground might be reached by if adoption of the name “Structure of Athletic Tests with Air-Filled Spheres That Occur On Flooring” or “SATAS TOOF”. However, some claim that the acronym reminds them of a lonely mouth with tooth decay.

Pitiful crop circle due to drought

Xantrax, Alpha Prime System- With the worse drought since 1988 causing numerous corn crops to wither and die, Missouri farmers are heading for hard times. But, the farmers are not the only victims of the drought: aliens from the farthest reaches of the universe are coming to the Ozarks finding that dying corn is not the optimum media for crop circles.

“I can not believe this,” said Phaltron of Regulas 88, “I traveled millions of light years to make some prophetic cryptograms in corn fields to warn Earth’s citizens about the disaster of 2012, the return of spandex shorts, and how the NBC‘s “Office” is going to end. And how do they repay me? By giving me a lush green field to write in? No, by writing in this brown crap.”

Phaltron is one of the numerous aliens that are not happy with their “canvas”. Many feel that if a society can put a man on the moon or create a “Big-Mac” should easily be able to master the simple science of hydronebulation and that makes them angry.

Grantor from Baltron Delta tells FCN, “You know we aren’t those aliens who blow up your land marks, or shoot our babies out of your chest after impregnating your faces, or make your Earth children help us make intergalactic phone calls; all we want is to make symbols in your corn to bewilder and amaze backwoods hill folk, and you can’t even do that.”

The aliens are demanding crisp, green crops are they will do the unspeakable: invade the Ozarks.
“We will crush you,” says High Admiral Zarton Deathkill. “Sure we don’t have the death lasers or blasters like in your sci-fi movies, but we have pretty sharp sticks and almost perfected sling shot technology, so yeah. You better watch out.

Shady car dealers ask that you please don't visit reputable dealerships

Springfield, MO- With Excel Auto under fire for various violations such as, odometer tampering and trading out bumpers to mislead customers about the make and models of cars, many other car dealerships are coming clean with their tactics.

“Ok, I admit,” says Stanly Sleaze of Sleazy Motors, “I don’t even really sell cars. Most of them are just donkeys covered with plywood boxes. I got the idea from the Flintstones. THE FLINTSTONES!” He then broke down in tears.

Sleaze then admitted to also: running the odometer’s backwards by making the back wheels in reverse (idea gotten by Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), stealing numerous cars in one night then selling them the next day (idea from Gone in Sixty Seconds), and claiming the his cars were once owned by Jon Vought (idea stolen from Seinfeld).

Sleaze was not the only manager to confess to “do anything” for a sale. Jason Doubledeal admitted to selling cars he knew had hamster spinning wheels instead of engines, and taping extension cords to the back of cars as he claimed they were electric. Hector Harm told FCN he used to tint car windows with spray paint and convinced all his customers that DeLoreans came equipped with time traveling flux capacitors.

The worse tactics where used by a source who not only wanted his name not to be mentioned, but who would only met in a shadowy parking garage.

“Once I sold a school bus to a well know school district when I knew full-well the bus had trouble with steering, breaking, and was also possessed by an evil sprite similar to Stephen King’s  “Christine”. Those kindergartners never had a chance. The shady car dealers say they are going to fly straight for at least the next six minutes.

Bunyan’s giant wrenches found in Springfield

Springfield, MO – Famed lumberjack and North American folklore hero Paul Bunyan was extremely pissed to find his missing wrenches at Rick’s Automotive this week. According to sources, Paul rode into town on Babe the Blue Ox, saw a great sign giving temperature and time on Campbell street then realized it was being supported by two tools that he recently misplaced.

“Good Grief!”, “My Goodness” exclaimed Bunyan as he approached the larger than life signage, “I lost those wrenches years ago when I was digging the Grand Canyon while riding Babe. My axe was dragging behind me and they must have fallen out of my satchel during that bumpy patch in Colorado.” Legend says that Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone hand-welded the giant wrenches as a gift for Bunyan as a symbol of “woodsy, pioneer” friendship.

Rick’s Automotive representatives claim that the wrenches were purchased from a reputable source and dispute the gigantic woodsman’s claims. “Ah, yeah we had purchased those from a, ah…reputable source in Colora – Arizona, who manufactured them on a bet…okay fine they are Paul Bunyan’s wrenches okay!?”

After a brief conversation with the owner, Rick and Paul came to an agreement to keep the wrenches in place. “Rick’s Automotive and I share the same belief that we are defenders of the people,” said Bunyan, “therefore I have agreed to let them keep my wrenches and a 10% discount will be given to those customers who mention my name.”