New monster strolls into the lake

Lake of the Ozarks- With warmer weather and freedom from school beckoning teenagers to engage in dangerous and promiscuous activities, Lake of the Ozarks is promising a summer free from teenage slaughter. The Tourism Board is offering various activities such as: SeaDo rentals, nature hikes, and not being stabbed or eaten by anything. Many are skeptical that the Board can deliver what it promised.

“I know we had a rough go of things,” states PR rep Jason Voorton. “Last year it was the sharks that somehow got in the lake, who then fed on skinny-dipping teenage flesh; the year before that it was the shipment of piranhas that escaped and ate all those cheerleading camp participants; the previous before that was the psycho killer who focused on girls who recently lost their virginity.”

The rep then started talking about other failures of teenage safety dating back to the 1960’s: alligator attacks, crocodile feeding frenzies, grizzly bear maulings, and all sorts of giant bugs.

“I wish things were simpler,” said senior Megan Saunders, as she did a keg stand while skinny-dipping. “My great-great-grandma said in the 50’s everyone would just dance, drink Kool-Aid, and have a good time. Then she said ‘57 hit and the innocence was lost when the first Lake monster abductions started happening.”

Many teenagers are not afraid of the grave danger that lake life affords.

“Oh, I am sure that was nothing baby,” scoffed quarter back Ted Dawson to his girlfriend in his cherry red convertible parked by the lake. He then continued to comment, “It was just the wind, let’s keep making out. That’s it. WHAT!!! NO PLEASE. AHHHH!” Ted Dawson’s carcass was later found floating faceless in the ink black lake by two old, grizzled, fishermen.

“Oh sure, we are going to lose a couple kids every year to a lake ghost or giant snake. But, it isn’t a massacre until we lose 8. We all deserver a couple mulligans,” Jason said while fishing out Ted’s mutilated body with a large stick.

The powers-that-be are trying numerous things to cut down on the deaths such as adding more police, encouraging assemblage of torch-bearing mobs of angry people, and educating the public with seminars about safety.

“Remember, there is no such thing as safe sex, especially with the water hags hunting for impure flesh. And I know…because I am one!” screamed volunteer Karen Parks at the Abstinence Rally as she removed her disguise to throngs of screaming teenagers.

This guy will make you like anything he does

Springfield, MO – Several diners around town identified the Men’s Wearhouse Guy having dinner around town this week, trying to impress people with his various ways of saying “You’re gonna like the way I…” to many people.

“I was eating dinner at Metro and this grey-bearded man walked up to me and said ‘You’re gonna like the way I flambé.’ I wasn’t even sure who the heck he was until he left and I was all ‘that was the Suit Guy!’” said Nicole Missionvern of Ozark.  Another Metropolitan Grill diner confirmed, “he came right over and said, ‘You’re gonna like the way I sauté’ and I was all, ‘I’m pretty content with my meal’. Who does that guy think he is?”

The overconfidence even carried over to after-dinner activities. Louis Freidborge claimed a bearded man in a nice suit driving a convertible car exclaimed to him, “You’re gonna like the way I make a left-handed turn onto Lone Pine”. Said Freidborge, “It was pretty impressive the way he executed the maneuver.”

Most who interacted with the Men’s Wearhouse Guy said they at first thought that he was the Most Interesting Man Alive until he opened his mouth. “I asked him if when he drank beer he drank Dos Equis, to which he replied, ‘You’re gonna like the way I drink beer’, then I knew it was the Suit Guy.

The Suit Guy has also made such claims as, “You’re gonna like the way I sleep,” “You’re gonna like the way I mow the lawn,” and “You’re gonna like the way I execute internet queries.”

Ella Richardson can’t believe her recess is not going to happen

Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision.

“I was s’pose to swing with Ella during my recess, but instead I had to stay inside and play math games cause of the bad man,” said Timothy Unger, a kindergartener at Mathews Elementary. “Joe and I were going to trade Pokemon cards at recess, but that was totally ruined by mister ‘shave my head and walk by the school barefoot’ ruining our trading time,” scoffed Nick Burgenson a 5^th grader at Espy Elementary.

Students at Nixa High School had mixed feelings. Sarah Begonia said, “I was so glad that he was nearby. My gym class was planning to run the track this afternoon but fortunately we stayed inside and played a game. Unfortunately, it was dodge ball and Jimmy Heffer hit me in the face with the ball…I think he likes me,” she said while blushing.

Springfield Public School students were understandably jealous. “Aw man, nothing cool ever happens around here,” said Kelly Piolos, a Junior at Parkview High School, “why can’t a fugitive like Joshua Brown – who is wanted for murder – walk by our school so we don’t have to do anything for an afternoon?”

Baking money

Polk County, MO- Due to budget cuts the anti-drug DARE program seemed to be doomed, but thanks to local kids, the program may have new life. Students from all over the Polk County area lent a helping hand to the program by selling numerous baked goods with a special ingredient.

“Love,” said 10 year old Gary Fellows. “Love and marijuana.” Gary goes on to explain that thanks to DARE they have vast knowledge of drugs, and they can use that knowledge to be better salesmen or “dealers.”

“I love the activities and lessons that DARE offers,” 8-year-old Megan Leary said while making pot brownies in her Easy Bake Oven, “and, man, do the art teacher and bus driver love these brownies.”

Other students are using their junior chemistry set to make meth, their bicycles to deliver their goods and their sling shots to protect their territory from other groups. We knew we had to take out the competition,” Gary confided, “first we went after Missy Sugarsmile and her gang of Girl Scouts to secure the baked goods racket. We took care of them with water balloons and covering their sashes with poison ivy. Then the Lemonade Stands had to go, which was no problem thanks to our wiffle ball bats. Then the actual drug dealers had to go. Ever see Home Alone? Where the little kids defeat the bad guys with elaborate and hilarious traps? We didn’t do that, we just shot them.”

Once the competition was gone, the kids could put their plan into action. With numerous baked sales and street deals, the kids had no problem making the necessary money to save DARE. In fact, they made enough to save the program, buy a Barbie dream mansion, numerous power-wheels, and an armory of Nerf guns.

“Thanks to DARE, we know drugs are bad and we will never use them,” says Megan. “But, selling them is a great fundraising activity.”

Prom King 80 years from now

Springfield, MO- Hilldale High School is on the verge of political unrest and social upheaval with Rex Kingston, last year’s prom king, refusing to give up the crown to one of the 4 court candidates. With the King of Prom succession being a yearly rite, the act of refusing to yield the crown means trouble for the delicate power structure of high school. Some students are backing Rex; stating he has ruled justly, is a brave warrior on the football field and X-Box 360, and has a totally bitchin’ BMW. While others are calling for him to give the crown to more capable, younger hands. The battle lines are drawn.

Rex, a freshman at MSU, placed himself under siege in his step-father’s house. The house, perched atop a hill in the Lancelot Corner subdivision, is a perfect keep for the king. There he talks with his generals (fellow previous football players) on how to rally support to his cause. “No man would dare touch me in my sanctuary,” proclaimed Rex in a text to numerous members in the student body. “Lng Lve The King [:)] “.

The main threat to Rex’s power is Arthur Lanister a Hilldale senior. His position of student body president; ties with the Chess club Anime Club; and speech and debate prowess all add to a formable opponent. At an after school rally at the local hang out “The Max”, Arthur tells his followers that the crown will be his and with his power he will end the “Age of the Jock” and usher in the “Age of the Thinker.”. He then did a modified “tebow” where he put his fist under his chin rather than forehead, a reference to Rodin’s “The Thinker”. His legion quickly mimicked his motion in reverence, expect for a couple of confused students who did the three finger salute from the “Hunger Games”.

“We will meet on the field of battle,” said Aaron Gorn, another candidate who aligns himself with the “artistic and hipster” set. “Water balloons, nerf guns, hurtful texts attacking each other’s sexual orientation: all will be used, no mercy will be given.

The other 2 candidates: Nick Ramonov (a soccer player of Russian descent) and Katsurou Lee (a Japanese foreign exchange student) are also fighting for the crown.

“We will be victorious,” screamed Lee has he marshaled his troops at the edge of the gated community that Rex is currently residing in. “As soon as a car passes by so we can in, anyways.”

Last year’s prom queen was not available for comment because, according to an unknown source, “she is currently too busy having fun at Washington University” and “moved on from high school.”

Fans swoon at the sight of Big Cards

Springfield, MO – Swarms of red-feathered beasts flocked into the Ozarks Monday evening, and collected at Hammons Field near downtown Springfield. “The big cards are here!” screamed Joey Huffington, an 8^th grader who screeched his terrifying message while running hysterically from a nearby parking garage.

According to sources, the large, flight-enabled monsters regularly appear around this time of year unless a period of strong rainstorms are present in Florida. “Last year the big cards were diverted from our area due to strong thunderstorms and precipitation near Jupiter, Florida,” said weather analyst John Llabtesksab.

“We never had this aviary issue until Hammons Field was opened, but now we can expect big cardinals to appear in early April for at least 24-36 hours,” said Newt Rollingston, “and the crowds they draw are amazing. Everyone wants to see the big cards.”

Terrifying as it may seem, most people actually try very hard to get access to the ballpark to see these freaks of nature. “I had no idea we had so many bird enthusiasts who are willing to sacrifice their own lives to see the freakishly large finches. I hear one report where a Springfield Cardinals fan saw a big card that weighed more than 200 pounds!” said Rachel Yonkers of the local National Audubon Society chapter.

A large bird weighing over 200 pounds is capable of pecking out a man’s heart with one neck thrust, able to shred bone and muscle with enormous talons and capable of lifting small children into the heavens. Citizens are encouraged to avoid the area around and near Hammons Field until the end of this week.

Nono Koko or Irano

Branson, Missouri- With World Fest just weeks away Silver Dollar City is getting ready for the huge festival celebrating multi-culturism. But, officials of the festival have some limits to embracing other cultures, especially when it comes to Iran and North Korea.
“Don’t get us wrong, we want to welcome all cultures. But, there are some limits. Especially when we have a South Korea and Israel participants” says event coordinator Stacy Roberts.

The countries say they can bring a lot to the table when it comes to crafts and events. The “crafts” that the countries want to showcase are: plutonium enriching, hand made gallows play set , make your own propaganda, and “Death to America” wood carvings. They also have for sale paintings of Iranican scenes (oppose to Americana), beautiful Iran sandscapes (oppose to landscapes) and pictures of Iranian mascot (a scorpion with a head of asp) simultaneous goring Captain America, Uncle Sam, and FDR while pooping on Old Faith and urinating on Mount Rushmore.

The countries also wanted to participate in performances. North Korea has several public execution methods they would love to show that would bring “the pageantry and power” of capital punishment. Iran had plans to show a traditional dance on top of a burning American fly. Also the countries want to performance their musical “Axis of Awesome: Evil and Lovin’ It”, with Libya standing in for Iraq.“Yeah, we aren’t going to let them do any of that,” comments Stacy Roberts. “I mean. Come on.”

The counties decry the exclusion from the festival, saying: “Who are the real monsters? The countries who simply rule with an iron fist through torture and death, or the country that refuses us to participate in an amusement park festival?” To which Silver Dollar City responded: “Are you…are you kidding me?”

Shoot this nasty f*ck in the nuts

Mountain Grove, MO – Douglas County douchebag Brent “Pete” Turley was sentenced to life in Hell by Jesus the Son of Man for his explicit acts upon minors. According to angels, Turley will be required to live eternity in Hell lifting engine blocks tied to his reproductive organ.

An especially heinous crime requires an equally awful punishment. According to God’s sources, Turley was posing as a freaking Sunday School teacher while he was molesting young children. Brent “Pete” Turley, who lives in Norwood, planned to secretly meet a 14-year-old girl at a Mountain Grove city park and has confessed to sex acts with a 12-year-old and a 16-year-old, both from Douglas County.

The fathers of all affected have been provided the right to shoot this worthless piece of shit in the testicles, knees or eyeballs. God indicates that upon his arrival to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter plans to shoot Brent “Pete” Turley in the penis hole with a crossbow of everlasting pain. “This type of shitbag moth-puke, rhino-fart pussy deserves to live an eternity of suffering,” said Christ as he wiped his palms of worthless blood shed for Turley.

None of Turley’s victims have been identified, but an increase in hunter safety courses in Douglas County indicates several people plan to show up to pepper his scrotum with dirty, painful lead. Considering he survives until next week, fuckwad Turley will be placed upon a local shooting range and be given to the count of three to run away. Most anticipate the count will get past one.

Man practices yoga in meat locker

Springfield, MO – Yoga aficionados across the globe are looking to Southwest Missouri for a new form of inspirational stretching while being subjected to cold, freezing conditions known as Frozen Yoga. “I’ve never seen anything like it, very inspiring,” said highly respected yoga master B.K.S. Iyengar from his home in India.

“Frozen Yoga is a physical, mental, and spiritual discipline but in a freezer. Like Rocky’s meat locker, these yoga people are putting more into their workout than any other person. Yoga is easy, hot yoga is hard, but frozen yoga is the most difficult yoga ever, period,” said Neil Kilomason, originator of the frigid exercise.

In a moderate or heated environment, muscles are free to move and be flexible. Frozen Yoga is designed to stiffen the muscles to prevent flexibility, thus rewarding the individual who attains a state of perfect spiritual insight and tranquility who can overcome the weather. “Frozen yoga is impossible. I tried the downward husky, which is really just the downward dog but in sub-zero temperatures, and I couldn’t do it as my muscles were convulsing from the hypothermia setting in,” said Jessica Blazomyged.

“Frozen yoga separates the zen from the masters,” said Kilomason as he turned a King Eskimo Pose (king pigeon pose), “While studying in the mountains of Tibet, I once locust posed down the side of a cliff while maintaining total consciousness.”

Frozen Yoga classes are being offered now and participants can join classes in the meat hanging department of the Springfield Underground.

Man enjoys swim in beer tank

Springfield, MO – To celebrate beer, the Springfield Brewing Company is selling raffle tickets for a 15-minute swim in their beer tanks this week. The tickets are prices at $40 and all proceeds go toward the “Help a White Man Dance” foundation. Participants are excited at the opportunity to actually swim in beer.

“Hellz yez, I’ll buy a ticket! I’ll buy them all if I could!” said Ian Scheffler, a man who dreams of swimming in beer, “I’d swim down to the bottom of the tank and try to drink my way to the top.” Labeled the Drunk Tank event, the tickets’ fine print point out that those selected should exercise caution when entering the vats.

“With great opportunity comes great responsibility. This is the chance of a lifetime. To swim in gallons and gallons of beer is a manchild’s dream and one lucky enough to experience it should treat it with respect,” said one official. “Also we’ll have multiple winners but only one stainless steel brewer available for swimming. If you are the luckiest of the luckies, you’ll be drawn to go first and not have to put up with sloppy seconds.”

Jeremy Popinski said, “I don’t care if I have to slurp up the filthy thirds of 40 other men, if I win a chance to dunk myself in brew aka Scrooge McDuck in money, I’m all in!” The event plans to attract hundreds of would be participants and observers.