People of Walmart to invade Springfield

Springfield, MO – The Bentonville, AR based retail giant Walmart has announced plans to build more neighborhoods in the Ozarks to accommodate their growth plan for the area. Walmart will begin construction on the communities this fall which will allow time to build the Neighborhood Markets to support them by early next year. The total number of Neighborhood Markets, Walmarts and Sam’s Clubs will be 148 by 2012.

As of April 2011, there are 184 Walmart Markets in the United States. Said a spokesperson, “We filed plans for multiple locations around the Springfield area, but felt that we could use more Neighborhood Markets if only there were more neighborhoods around. Then we realized, if we build people homes, they would save money and live better, right in our Wal-borhoods!”

The Wal-borhoods will be equipped with more than 56 single-family ranch style homes equipped with easy access to the Neighborhood Markets. The communities will sport such names as Sam’s Town, Walton’s Place, and Mart de Wal (which will include access to a Supermercado de Walmart).

Once the homes are constructed Walmart will begin the process of importing residents to live in the area. “Without people we really have no customers,” said one source.  Our process will be an online sign up, those interested can have free housing as long as they shop with us. We’ve had quite the response from PeopleofWalmart.com!”  Local residents have mixed feelings about the new homes and markets.

”I don’t think it is right that they are putting up their markets right next to existing stores native to our area. They’ve already run out all the mom and pops, now they are bringing in weirdo out-of-towners and going after mid-tier retailers. God bless Wal-merica,” pined John Mullins of Springfield.

Greeters stand guard awaiting National Bubba Day

Springfield Mo- As we all know June 2^nd is the national celebration of Bubba day.  Beet Farmers, Cattle Handlers, and other Bumpkins take the day off to remember loved ones and embrace the traditional family name that started right here in the Ozarks. The holiday started in 1862 by co-founders Bubba Jenkins and Bubba Jones, both sheep farmers in Boaz, Missouri. Our archives reveal that the Bubba Jenkins was quoted as saying, “Us Bubba’s needs a day off to celimubrate the heritage of our family’s name. Aint no better way than have a whole day desiccated to us Bubba’s.”

The problem started in the ladies sanitary isle at Wal-Mart on Kansas Expressway has Martha Churchill was looking for her husband Terry “Bubba” Churchill. “I was lookin to get me some of those new-fangled i-pads when my Bubba disappeared,” Martha was quoted, “so I went to the service desk and had him paged.”

“A group of Bubba’s stampeded to the service desk taking out the woman’s clothing, automotive, and “As Seen on T.V.” departments,” Sargent Swedenborg of the Springfield PD said, “Oddly enough the produce section was unharmed.”  Dozens of people were startled by the ruckus, but no one was seriously injured. Wal-mart was reportedly closed for an un-heard of two hour time span for clean up and repairs.

“I knew there was lots uh Bubba’s out today, but I never thunk they would all be here at the Wal-Mart,” Martha continued, “I guess my husband is right, I ain’t worth a damn.”

This isn’t the first time there have been problems on Bubba Day. In 1992 Nixa Hardware had a similar incident involving the “Bubba’s” and a bib overall sale. Three people were killed and twenty-seven were seriously injured.

As a reminder the third Saturday of every June is National Hollerin’ Contest Day. The citizens of Springfield are urged to stay away from Dollar General, DAV stores, and the Battlefield Farmer’s Market to avoid any hearing damage that might be caused by the event.

Wal-Mart consumes Northtown Mall

Springfield, MO – Owner of the Northtown Mall on Kearney and Glenstone fears that Wal-Mart is scaring off other tenants. “Yes we are still a mall,” stated the owner. Its not hard to see how this is confusing to Springfield residents as Wal-Mart seems to have overtaken the Northtown Mall structure with its new super center.

“I knew they had overlapped into some of the other spaces of the mall, but they were such a good source of income that I didn’t really pay attention to how they were affecting the other businesses we used to have. I didn’t even realize the other shops were all gone.” He fears this exodus of tenants is due to Wal-Mart’s always low prices on just about everything. Other would be tenants can’t really compete.

“Ozarks Technical Community College even used to be a tenant if I remember correctly.” stated the owner. “I suppose they left because Wal-Mart offers cheaper technical schooling now too or something.”

The owner confessed that they used to pride themselves as being the little quiet mall with no traffic for a pleasant shopping experience. “Now customers seem irritated as soon as they walk through the doors and face the mass crowds.” said the owner.

When Wal-Mart was asked to comment on the situation, they released a statement that said they were not trying to scare of other tenants and would be happy to drive another business in the ground.

Season's Greetings shared during Holiday Traffic

Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf hate by the knuckle-headed drivers clogging the thoroughfares.

Mick Roseycheeks sobbed, “I was ready to go out and buy my wife a nice gift, she’s done so much for me over the past year after I lost my job and gained 50 pounds. But, I couldn’t take the damn traffic, I…I went crazy, started cutting people off and riding their tails like the Lone Ranger on Silver. I finally cracked and had to get out. I got her a 6-pack of 5-hour energy at the convenience store on my way home.”

Numerous holiday drivers were seen passing illegally on shoulders, stealing parking spots and purposefully riding their brakes to annoy the drivers behind them. “Some nasty ass honkey right in front of me actually stopped at a yellow light after we had been waiting for 8 miutes. Who does that in this traffic!? Go! Go! Go!” said Roseycheeks.

The loss of the holiday spirit seems to have translated to shopping as well. At least 12 fistfights were reported at local businesses including Wal-Mart, Target, Toys-R-Us and Gordman’s among others. Motorists are encouraged to travel only if absolutely necessary during this holiday traffic season.

It is a place where young lovers make regretful decision with each other…a place where people with absolutely no talent can sing and people will cheer…a place where you see “carny folk” clamoring about like little elves the night before christmas (only dirtier and toothless) with their goal, different from the elves of course, to take as much money from you as possible and capitalize on your gluttony…a place where the dollars flow from your pocket like wine as you continue to pay dollar after dollar to win a large, filthy stuffed duck that cost about 25c…ah yes…the fair.

As I look back at my life here in the Ozarks and reflect on the many times I have been to the Ozark Empire Fair, I feel a sense of pride.  Pride that can only come from a place deep down inside where the twisted remains from a foot-long corn dog and jug of root beer churn a desire to keep going back year after year after year.  I guess at the end of the day, maybe I am not so different from all those folks that turn up every year…I mean sure I shower almost daily and basically practice decent hygiene, but we share a common thread that is wound together by a basic desire to spend at least one night a year being who we really are…animals.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Angry Walmart greeters to be phased out

Boliver, MO – Negative customer feedback has led Wal-Mart to begin replacing door greeters with trained Chimpanzees. “In test studies, we found that the chimps were seen as more friendly and could respond more quickly and expertly to customer concerns than the current door greeters,” said Wal-Mart public manipulations representative Sanford Serifftico.

Chimps will also save the company money, as they will work for twelve bananas per day (a cost of about $3). By comparison, human greeters command a salary of six adult diapers per 12-hour shift (a cost of about $35). Plus, Wal-Mart will no longer have to charter a bus to pick up the employees from local nursing homes.

Serifftico said Wal-Mart will not be laying off current greeters. Instead, it will utilize chimps for any new stores and replace human greeters after they die or become too feeble to scowl at customers. Serifftico’s expects chimps to replace human greeters at most stores within 18 months.

Not everyone is happy with this change. “I’ve been working as a greeter for 25 years,” said one elderly greeter who could not remember her name. “In that time, I’ve had at least two compliments. “Sure, chimps might be more friendly, move faster and look prettier than I do, but you can’t replace that human touch.”

A child shows dissapointment at the lack of snowfall

Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers awoke to a disappointing morning of little snowfall accumulation this morning. According to news reports this area was expecting 8-12 inches of snow prompting school, business and social cancellations.

“I was planning to take off from work, read a book and watch a few movies, but now thanks to Mother Nature holding out and the d-bags on TV who raised my expectations, I have to spend the day in the office,” said Saul Rogers, a local anesthesiologist. “What if I was only 50% accurate at my job? Motherlicker, I want my snow!” Rogers exclaimed while punching his fist into his hand.

Most schools, churches and businesses cancelled regular activities yesterday due to the severe weather storm prediction. Unfortunately, all regular activities will resume according to normal schedules. “Oh seriously? I spend thirty minutes waiting in line at freakin’ Walmart last night for this?” said Zach Damion.

A column of dry air interfered with the snowy destruction of everyday life in Springfield, creating an echo hook of safety for the Queen City. Everyone from school kids to adults shed a few tears of disappointment as they headed off to their daily undisturbed routines.

Wearable Art designed a shirt that they can color in response to their infinate growth record

Joplin, MO- Fresh off their first trade show in Dallas this past weekend, local start-up Wearable Art experienced record tying infinite growth over the previous month, most likely fueling the 115 point rally on Wall Street.

“The exciting dynamic with start-ups is the tremendous growth. GE or Wal-Mart can’t touch the infinite growth rate,” explains co-founder Taylor Fox. Investors are often thrilled with modest 10% growth rates of these blue chip stocks, but not in Southwest Missouri. Local investor Greg Leezak explains his investment strategy, “I invest in businesses I understand, and I understand coloring on my own clothes is fun. How could this business not succeed?”

The infinite growth is causing a panic at Missouri State business classes. Assuming Wearable Art sold $10,000 worth of product this month and none last month, (10,000-0)/0 yields an error on students’ calculator. “The teacher was so flustered by the situation. He had no idea what the error meant and just cancelled class,” explains a relieved student Kimberly Foster.

But with infinite growth comes problems as co-founder Mike Wakefield, in charge of production, points out. “The machines are working infinitely harder than last month, I am working infinitely harder and we have to order an infinitely larger amount of shirts and coloring pastels.”

Wearable Art’s initial success has sparked a rush of investor interest but Fox is hesitant. “It will be difficult to continue this rate of growth and I am fearful investors will be disappointed if we come off this growth rate next month.” Investing aside, kids can now express themselves on their clothes, and what is better than that?

Kai-Lan/Dora confusion brings shoppers to a stand still

Springfield, MO—Local grandmother Ellen Younger frustrated last minute shoppers as she blocked an isle at the Walmart Independence location trying to decipher if the toy she was holding was Dora or Kai-Lan.

“Now this must be Dora,” she said holding a Kai-Lan doll. Her shopping partner Nola Rigsby concurred, then retracted her judgment saying, “well, yes that’s Dora. No, I don’t know who that is.”

Stooping over her cart, Younger moved forward two inches, picked up another Kai-Lan doll and said, “oh here’s Dora.” “Well yes, that’s no that’s not her either” said Rigsby frowning.

Shoppers trying to pass down the isle blocked by Younger and Rigsby painfully listened to the tedious conversation unsure whether or not to speak up and direct the clueless duo to the Dora section or allow them to figure it out themselves.

“For the love of licensed characters, just pick one,” said Drew Tillsdim under his breath. Tillsdim’s wife promptly gave him an elbow to mind his manners. Tillsdim said he could swiftly and quickly end Younger and Rigsby’s confusion by trampling them both with his shopping cart, which earned him another mindful elbow from his wife.

After several minutes of picking up Kai-Lan dolls, Younger finally selected a Dora doll and Rigsby identified it as “another one of those Kay-lane thingys” at which point Tillsdim violently shook his shopping cart from side to side in agony.

Governor Jay Nixon said, “I hope that we can find the same joy watching a skilled applicant receive a job offer, as we do watching an athletic, college-aged kid cut to the basket, juke a poser and jam in down the hoop tomahawk style….boom, that’s awesome!” as he chest-bumped one of his security detail.

A JQH arena spokesman said they have seen ticket sales jump since the new events have been announced. “Jobless in Springfield” seems to be the largest attraction as area spectators plan to pay up to $40 a ticket to watch people compete in various tests of endurance to win entry level positions. “I can’t wait to see the business men face off in the joust,” said Huey Younger who purchased season tickets at the “Q”. Other popular events include, Receptionist as Deceptionist, VP Cage Match, and Lower-level Limbo. “This is better than reality tv, better than the Romans’ Coliseum, this is real life survival of the fittest!” continued Younger.

“I signed up for the breadline but they entered me into the ‘lion fighting for financial freedom’ event,” said an elderly surely-to-be-sacrificed to the beasts former Wal-Mart greeter. Missouri State University is responsible for the maintenance and bills at JQH arena and is hopeful that these new “employment events” will breathe new life into the facilities.

If the economy really tanks over the next few months, public executions via the guillotines, stoning and other medieval torture events will fill the traditional “entertainment” void.