Binary code picked up at art decor reveals alien message

Springfield, MO—MSU students received a message from aliens from the Altair solar system last night while hanging out at the giant space discs located at Grand and National Street. According to reports, the students were relaxing on what they considered works of art when they reportedly received thirteen 71 x 71 pixel images that included the molecular formula for ethanol, the kanji characters for “kanpai!” (cheers!), and the English word “toast.”

Said one student Hans Uberlick, “I really think the aliens were drunk texting us. I’m no expert but the images we received on our cell phones via the cool satellite art were pretty descriptive and well…unrestrained.”

The students said the binary messages they decoded from their intergalactic texts showed aliens chugging beers, doing keg stands and playing beer-pong. If these reports are accurate, the human race may have more in common than previously known.

Professor Neder Freihalts speculated, “Once a genuine extraterrestrial signal of some kind has been detected, the recipient must then be able to puzzle out the meaning of the alien messages he receives. Clearly, these students unveiled that aliens enjoy a ‘party’ atmosphere. Which is good news for all of the universe.”

The original structures on the lawn – that received and transmitted the alien messages – had previously been considered hideous and strange by the student population. Now, dozens of students can be seen visiting the lawn art in hopes of receiving a TWI from outer space.

The Predator eagerly anticipates new home at Predator World

Branson West, MO—Predator World owners plan to reopen the facility with one new attraction in January. The new attraction will feature an unknown extraterrestrial species, referred only to as the Predator.

“What we do know is that the new attraction is a large, sapient and sentient humanoid creature who may or may not possess advanced technology such as active camouflage and energy weapons, and are capable of interstellar travel,” said Sheriff Richard Hill.

A spokesperson for Predator World said, “Adding the Predator is the crown jewel to Predator World. We feel that this new attraction will bring more tourists to the area and increase tax revenue for the city of Branson West.”

Last Friday the Stone County Sheriff‘s Department, Fire Department, and the Missouri Humane Society invaded “Predator World,” known for housing exotic animals and shut it down due to multiple violations. In light of these facts, it seems questionable that a company unable to control an earthly predator population would introduce an alien predator to suspect conditions.

Security issues remain a major cause of concern as the Predator’s body is resilient to damage, capable of recovering from multiple gunshot wounds and can absorb radiation doses which would be fatal to humans.

“Number one, how did they get this thing in captivity? Number B, how do they expect to keep him caged and not terrorizing the Ozarks? They already let two wolves out last year,” said an enraged resident upon hearing the news. “I’ll go once to say I saw it,” he added.

The Stone County Sheriff says due to Missouri statutes, all exotic animals in Predator World must be registered with the state including the Yautja and Hish species.

Government officials photograph alien at Cape Girardeau crash site

Cape Girardeau, MO—Since 1941 government officials have successfully concealed an alien crash landing in the Ozarks. The activities and actions that spring night helped shape the response to the Roswell, NM cover-up six years later in 1947. “Really, we couldn’t have asked for a better ‘dress rehearsal’ than the crash cover-up in Southeast Missouri,” said retired FBI agent Harry Bellafonte, “Our experiences in Cape Girardeau set the stage, and wrote the book for how to conceal numerous alien encounters, including the Roswell incident.”

According to Bellafonte, hidden top-secret government files contain information on a disc-shaped craft—complete with hieroglyphic-like symbols on the interior—that smashed into the woods and contained three victims.  The extra-terrestrials, not human as expected, had small alien bodies with large eyes, hardly a mouth or ears, and appeared hairless. Additionally, Reverend William Huffman, resident minister of the Red Star Baptist Church in early 1941, was called upon to deliver the last rights to the deceased Greys.

“I’m just impressed that all of the policemen, fire department personnel, FBI agents, and photographers mulling through the wreckage were been able to keep their mouths shut for nearly 70 years,” pondered Bellafonte. “I always thought we did a great job intimidated and frightening witnessed. I was always paranoid that I would spill the beans, glad it wasn’t me!”

During this interview, Mr. Bellafonte was informed that he was in fact, the first government official to confirm the alien crash of 1941. Stunned, he vehemently denied his previous comments, claiming he was tricked, then consumed a vial of poison attached to his necklace, immediately passing into the afterlife. Government officials arrived immediately thereafter to remove his remains.