Man's chicken choked due to new city ordinance

Springfield, MO— Apparently it isn’t just City Council who is evenly divided over the decision allowing up to six chickens to be boarded in the city limits. Residents of the affluent Highland Springs Country Club gated community watched in horror late yesterday as two of their own residents, 34-year-old Reginald “Reggie” Waddlesworth, a prominent stay-at-home-dad, and  Lionel Biggerstaff, a-53-year-old multi-level marketing guru,  got physical — apparently the direct result of the recently passed fowl ordinance.

FCN has learned the two neighbors got in a scuffle after Biggerstaff saw Waddlesworth in his driveway unloading an enormous roll of chicken wire and 10’ fencing posts from the trunk of his Lexus.  Onlookers say all was well until Biggerstaff heard some muffled clucking coming from the backseat of the luxury car, walked over to investigate and pecked on the glass.

From across the street, Sally Fitzwhiter was pulling a pan of bake-sale goodies from the double-range, heard the commotion, and summoned authorities. “Wow, I have never seen anything quite like it,” Fitzwhiter exclaimed, “Lionel started choking Reggie’s chicken with both hands…it was, well, awful.”

As news of the chicken-choking incident spread, the five Council members favoring the ordinance expressed dismay and encouraged residents to avoid choking each other’s chickens. One was overhead saying, “This is as discouraging cock fighting.” The incident has local animal rights activists fuming and already petitioning City Council to pass an ordinance banning citizens from spanking their monkeys.

Officials plan a cockfight exhibition at tonight's meeting

Springfield, MO—The city’s planning department is considering creation of an ordinance allowing Springfield residents to keep fighting roosters to boost the economy. Backyard gamecock ownership is a worldwide trend that the City plans to capitalize upon.  Citizens are invited to attend the American Gamefowl Society meeting to gather public comment on raising cocks tonight at 6pm in the auditorium of the City Utilities Training Center.

Local economist Hugh Kiffler said, “While cockfighting is considered a heinous blood sport by animal welfare and animal rights activists, due in some part to the physical trauma the cocks inflict on each other, advocates of the sport believe local economies could be boosted by the new revenue streams associated with gambling and gamecock farming.”

Researchers have concluded that a few gamecocks wouldn’t be much different from someone keeping the maximum of four pit bulls or flea-bitten cats per meth household. Cockpit rings will have requirements on materials used for rings and the structure’s design.

“I plan to show my support for the cockamamie idea by wearing spurs to the meeting tonight,” said a large anthropomorphized adult rooster with a strong “good ol’ boy” Kentucky accent “That’s a joke… I say, that’s a joke, son.”

The proposal would require people who want to keep gamecocks to make a low-cost application to the city. In related less boring news, the City is also considering an ordinance allowing chicken farming for city dwellers.

The Predator eagerly anticipates new home at Predator World

Branson West, MO—Predator World owners plan to reopen the facility with one new attraction in January. The new attraction will feature an unknown extraterrestrial species, referred only to as the Predator.

“What we do know is that the new attraction is a large, sapient and sentient humanoid creature who may or may not possess advanced technology such as active camouflage and energy weapons, and are capable of interstellar travel,” said Sheriff Richard Hill.

A spokesperson for Predator World said, “Adding the Predator is the crown jewel to Predator World. We feel that this new attraction will bring more tourists to the area and increase tax revenue for the city of Branson West.”

Last Friday the Stone County Sheriff‘s Department, Fire Department, and the Missouri Humane Society invaded “Predator World,” known for housing exotic animals and shut it down due to multiple violations. In light of these facts, it seems questionable that a company unable to control an earthly predator population would introduce an alien predator to suspect conditions.

Security issues remain a major cause of concern as the Predator’s body is resilient to damage, capable of recovering from multiple gunshot wounds and can absorb radiation doses which would be fatal to humans.

“Number one, how did they get this thing in captivity? Number B, how do they expect to keep him caged and not terrorizing the Ozarks? They already let two wolves out last year,” said an enraged resident upon hearing the news. “I’ll go once to say I saw it,” he added.

The Stone County Sheriff says due to Missouri statutes, all exotic animals in Predator World must be registered with the state including the Yautja and Hish species.