Holo-Spoon projected on the court

Springfield, MO—Missouri State University Men’s Basketball team has a new leader on the court after the athletic department announced that they would be relying on a hologram of Charlie Spoonhour to coach the team.

“It makes a lot of sense for us to bring back Coach Spoonhour, albeit as a digital projection of his self,” said an athletic department spokesperson, “He was one of the best coaches MSU basketball has ever had and the fact that he’s not a real person is a real money saver for the University.We only have to pay a licensing fee for his likeness.”

Known as Holo-Spoon to the players, his likeness will be at every practice, game, recruiting trip and workout session. MSU professor George Geoginton said, “in this digital age, we should embrace technology and have a digital coach. Coach Spoonhour’s coaching style has been well documented over his 20-year career. We’ve simply compiled all of his motions, mannerisms and philosophies into a virtual reality version of himself. He is just as witty and effective as a hologram.”

The hiring of Holo-Spoon was met with great fanfare at the hologram’s press conference this afternoon. Holo-Spoon cracked a few one-liners, seemed at ease and genuinely happy to be back on the court coaching the Bears. Holo-Spoon was programmed to say in a scratchy flickering voice, “I’m ready to bring the Temple of Spoon to JQH arena!”

Weems announces run at press conference

Springfield MO – Kyle Weems was late getting to the press conference to discuss the Missouri State’s basketball involvement in the NIT postseason tournament.  He was seen shaking hands with fans, hugging old ladies and kissing babies.  When he finally took his seat he had the following comments.

“Look I am glad as the next guy that we are playing basketball in the post season.  It is especially nice that the way the NIT games are scheduled, we can play them between classes.  But I am here today for bigger and better things.  I want to take the time right now to publicly announce that I will be a write in candidate in the April election for the mayor of Springfield.  I feel that I have done everything I can do for Missouri State basketball by being a 4 time Valley player of the week, Missouri Valley MVP, first team all conference player, helping bring a Missouri Valley Conference championship to Missouri State, and the most important, being part of the tradition of being snubbed by the NCAA for national championship consideration.”

Weems added,  “It is time we had a real leader that can tackle the issues we have in this town.  Do you know what the difference is between the problems Springfield has and a sack of dog crap?  The difference is the sack.  As mayor I will put sidewalks in where they should have been all along and I will flatten the Heer’s building and put up a 24/7 basketball court.  Visitors to downtown can catch a movie, get a bite to eat and play a couple of pick up basketball games.”

Incumbent mayor Jim O’Neal had these comments.  “I must admit that his ideas are pretty darn good.  The strange thing is these ideas were done without the aid of consultants or citizens advisory committees.  I might have to start kissing old ladies and hugging babies myself.”

Coach Cuonzo Martin was surprised by Weems sudden announcement.  “I love Kyle to death.”, he added.  He is definitely one of the best basketball players I have ever been around.  But when he does stuff like this when we have more basketball to play, it just makes me sit down and pull my hair out.”

One lucky fan clutches to life with a MSU pacemaker

Springfield, MO—The Missouri State University athletics department will be offering branded pacemakers to any interested fans due to the heart-racing ending of most men’s basketball games.  Pacemakers can be picked up at the JQH Arena ticket booth Monday through Friday from 1-4 pm.

“We’re literally killing our fans with excitement, each game is coming down to the final second and most of our fan base can’t take the anticipation,” said an unnamed athletic department manager. According to the Greene County Coroner’s Office, at least 16 deaths have been attributed to the Bears buzzer-beating gameplay.

Cardiologist Dr. Jay Gervin says, “the artificial pacemaker is to stimulate the heart when the heart’s native pacemaker is not fast enough to keep…pace.” The medical device is designed to regulate the beating of the heart, controlling the Bears fan’s excitement by limiting the number of beats per minute, thus extending life.

“Normally people with pacemakers are naturally weak and intended by God to die, but thanks to the MSU Bears Pacemaker, these natural freaks of modern science can live to see another Bears victory!” confessed Debbie Giffordson.

A limited number of special edition pacemakers will feature play-by-play announcer Ned Reynolds face and will be autographed by color commentator Kelby Stuckey.

MSU coach totally jinxed by local man's text

Springfield, MO—Local man Jacob Porter texted his fellow Alpha Kappa Gonga brothers at the end of the Missouri State Bears game with the phrase “Bears 2 win, fo sho” a mere 90 seconds before the end of the game effectively cursing the men’s basketball team to a road loss.

“Everybody knows with the game on the line you don’t predict a win via text, right!?” said Porter’s buddy Hal Meldon. “I mean the Bears were ahead by 2 points with less than 2 minutes to go, just show some restraint!”

Meldon compared the early text victory to a baseball teammate acknowledging a no-hitter to a pitcher or mentioning to a football team that they’re going to hold a team scoreless in the game. “Statistically, if you give any sort of recognition to the physical performance of a particular sporting event, the chances of witnessing anything spectacular greatly diminishes,” said sports scientist Lonny Umberg of Nevada State University.

Bears head coach Cuonzo Martin said, “I had a great feeling going into the final two minutes that we would secure a W. Then with about 90 seconds left I got a real bad feeling. Like someone jinxed us. I later learned about the texted win prediction. That’s just some poor sportsmanship…keep your fingers quiet till the end of the game.”

Missouri State University is considering a texting ban during all forthcoming men’s basketball games to ensure victories are not compromised in the future.

Quirk demonstrates his skills at Middle School pep rally

Springfield MO.- Charlie Quirk, a Glendale High School senior, who was recently declared ineligible to play in this final year by the Missouri State High School Activities Association will play instead for Carver Middle School.  Apparently a loophole in MSHSAA guidelines does not prevent a player transferring back to middle school if high school credits are offered.  “My transfer from St. Charles East to Glendale was done for family reasons,” commented Quirk.  “By transferring back to middle school, I am doing it for pure athletic reasons.  I am a senior and can’t sit out a year.  There are no trophies or championships in playing JV ball.  By going back to middle school and still maintain high school credits for graduation, I can compete for the city championship.”
Carver 8th grade basketball coach Joe Dunkem was all smiles when asked about his new player.  “I have to keep pinching myself to see if this is all real.  When you deal with the average 8th grader who is 5 foot nothing and has to learn the basics, then get a guy who is 6-foot-seven and averages 17.7 points and 8.8 rebounds a game is a coaching dream.  I also believe that this will be the first time in Springfield Public School history where a player from an 8th grade championship will go on to play Division I college basketball the following year.”

When asked for a statement regarding Quirk’s transfer, officials from St. Charles East High School were short and rude.  “He punked us,” stated Al Rectum Athletic Director for St. Charles East.  “We thought by being total jerks and a-holes about him choosing family over our sports programs would send a message to him and others like him.  His actions make us look stupid and we don’t need any help with that.”

In an unrelated story MSHSAA has approve the entire St.Louis Vashon boys basketball roster which features players from Europe and the former Soviet Union.  “None of these guys speak a lick of English but they can sure play ball,” stated former Vashon coach Floyd Steele who will house the entire rooster for the upcoming season.

Lil' Joey shows his skills on the court

Springfield MO – The Missouri State basketball program has landed a future recruit for the upcoming 2019 season. Joey Jones a 3-foot 4-inch player from McGregor Elementary gave an oral commitment yesterday to sign with the Bears when he becomes old enough.

“It’s a big relief not having to worry about where I am going to go to college especially since I’m only 9 years old. I like the atmosphere and the coaches at Missouri State. I hope they are all still there when I sign in a few years,” stated Jones after spending the weekend in the dorms hanging out with the Sugar Bears.

When asked if he was considering any other schools, Jones said Missouri State was the only one that showed any interest at all. “I don’t think I was even on the radar with any other school. One weekend visit on campus was all I needed to make my decision,” commented Jones.

Rated a non star recruit by Rivals.com, Jones said MSU has been recruiting him since the first grade with head coach Cuonzo Martin being the main contact. “Since McGregor does not have any organized sports programs I’ve been watching this kid play pick up games at the Boys and Girls Club in Springfield. I think that in 10 years he will add another 3 feet to his height add gain at least 130 pounds. I see a player that just wants to win no matter what. I want him to bring that attitude to our program,” said Martin. Jones added, “I like to win all the time. I can’t shoot, pass, or play defense. If I don’t win I scream and throw a tantrum when I lose.” He will sign Nov.10 2018 when the letter-of-intent period begins.

8 tons of upset brackets have been shredded to date

Springfield, MO—According to reports, 9 out of 10 Ozarkers have a NCAA men’s basketball bracket that was rendered totally useless over the past weekend. Before scrapping the physical evidence of personal guessing stupidity, consider alternate uses for the “page of shame”.

Locals have begun to ban together to add their brackets to the recycling center. “I felt so conflicted when Northern Iowa beat KU. I mean, yeah it is great that a Missouri Valley team won, but my bracket was officially waste paper. So I decided to recycle it with these other losers,” said Norman Gibbons, of Nixa, MO.

More creative options for brackets with more X’s than checkmarks include folding it into a paper airplane and throwing it for distance amongst office workers to determine the “Champion of Real Awful Picks” or King of “C.R.A.P.”, burning the offending page in an offering to the NCAA gods, or simply making a nice paper hat.

Louis Freedman gambled a large portion of his monthly paycheck on the tournament this year and upon losing 10 of his final Sweet Sixteen teams effectively used his losing bracket to inflict enough paper cuts on his wrists to achieve death and avoid paying his debts.

Another more fulfilling option for using a blasted bracket includes rolling it into a pipe shape, them spitting projectiles at the one lady in the office who took Saint Mary’s over Villanova, Cornell over Wisconsin and Ohio over Georgetown because she liked the winning team’s jersey colors.

The City is offering up another solution: shredding it for a ticker tape parade for the Missouri State Lady Bears ensuing victory in the National Invitational Tournament.

Office worker comtemplates likelyhood that an owl would beat a bulldog

Springfield, MO—Stuck in a low income, dead-end job, Joan Embers has placed her children’s future on the results of the NCAA Men’s Tournament this week. Placing “$25,000 on a whim is stupid, but placing it on a sure winner is pure genius,” said Embers.

According to Embers, she employed a sophisticated style of selection process by pitting opponent’s mascots against each other. “Usually, in a forest fight, a dog will beat an owl so I picked Butler Bulldogs over the Temple Owls,” revealed Embers.

Strategies such as these are usually frowned upon by bookies and grizzled veterans of NCAA office pools.  “She did what? Woman be crazy!,” said Tracey Higgins, a co-worker of Embers at the City of Springfield. “Damn, I don’t pick a dog over a bird, I pick a quality team over a underachieving team. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Not dog over bird.”

According to Dr. Levin Striengold, “people who have the most disassociation with a gambling opportunity occasionally find the ‘gold thread’ to success by unconventional means.”

If she wins, Embers plans to invest the proceeds into MOST: Missouri‘s 529 College Savings Plan. “She’ll prolly win because she has no idea what the hell is going on. Can’t tell the difference ‘tween Duke and dookie,” said Higgins, “I hope she adopts me”.

Boomer reacts to whacking a dude in the head, entertaining fans of all ages

Springfield, MO—A local Bears fan was totally whacked in the face with a t-shirt propelled by Missouri State University athletic mascot Boomer Bear during the MSU vs. Southern Illinois University game last night. Witnesses said the incident was quite amusing as the fan turned his head right into the whirling wrapped wardrobe shot from a bazooka.

“I nearly wet my pants when Aaron took the t-shirt to the face! It was awesome!” said Tyler Strobe, a MSU fan who was sitting next to the victim. The event was captured on camera and shown on the big screen during the game. “Everyone was like ‘oooh’ then ‘hahaha’. I lol’d all over my self,” said Doris Jones, a Bears fan for over 40 years, “I’ve never seen anything like it, never will again likely. Totally trumps the Temple of Doom years in one hilarious moment.”

The victim, Aaron Jersey, was reportedly debating the superior defense of the men’s basketball team by shouting “D-Fence! D-Fence!” with an opposing fan when he stopped and turned his head and received the t-shirt to the noggin. Apparently, Jersey was quite annoying and the whacking was defined as “well-deserved”.

One witness said, “Boomer Bear reacted surprised, even a little happy although I’m pretty sure he always looks like that…one fixed expression is common for him, right?”

A little girl sitting in front of Jersey caught the t-shirt after it bounced of his grill, completely making her day and entertaining the crowd.

Tourament of Champions produces more failure than champions

Springfield, MO—Moral victories will be handed out this weekend at The Tournament of Champions as eight elite basketball teams battle it out to produce seven eventual short comers and one true champion.

TOC execs confessed that “Tournament of Champions” tends to have a more positive spin and sells more tickets than the more accurate named “Tournament of Moral Victories”.

“We invite elite teams from around the country to compete against each other to produce an eventual ‘champion’,” said TOC management. They continued by saying, “Winners are celebrated in American society, much as they were in Roman culture. We’re assembling performers to battle against each other in a huge arena seating thousands of spectators much in the same way gladiators were pitted against each other in the Coliseum, dueling until the end to produce an eventual champion.”

“All of these teams are champions in their own right. Whether they lose or win in this tournament, they can still go on to be champions in their own conference even if they are eliminated from the final game,” said one observer.

Tournament of Champion losers will be provided with a Tournament of Participation Award upon elimination.