Potentially explosive device biggest draw of traffic at Mall

Springfield, MO – Crowd gathered uncomfortably close to a bomb investigation this week at the Battlefield Mall, a Simon property. The suspicious device was reported by an astute shopper after seeing a bag on the ground with wires poking out of it. While police determined if armored men or a bomb defusing robot should go in to investigate, several onlookers got an up-close view of the device.

“I smelled it, didn’t seem like any sort of explosive device was in the bag,” said Roy Pillar of the Ravenswood neighborhood, “Kinda like an old man smell, but no dynamite or clay or anything that would be blown up.” He wasn’t the only one who witnessed the frightening scene. Polly McDunkins said, “I was really near the bag and was thinking ‘OMG if this goes off it could do a lot of damage’ so I snuck up closer to see if it really was a bomb that would obliterate an entire city block. I mean c’mon I’ve never seen such a thing before!”

Battlefield Mall security pleaded with crowds to keep their distance before SPD arrived; however, a nothing draws a crowd like a crowd. “We offered sidewalk sales at JC Penny, half off deals at Auntie Ann’s but all people wanted to do was see a life-ending, horrific explosive device that could shred a horse into thousands of pieces,” said Norm Fajjerty on his modified Segway.

“Looks like a computer battery to me,” said 8-year-old Jeffrey Livingstonshire. To which hundreds of gathered onlookers chuckled. The device was ruled nonthreatening after a Springfield firefighter ripped off his clothes, soaked his ass in water and jumped onto the bag, potentially sacrificing his own life.

The Battlefield Mall will honor his actions every year with an “Explosive Sidewalk Sale!” to benefit the Police and Firefighter’s fund each year going forward.

Un-forking believable

Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market of the Ozarks would not be allowed to participate in the Battlefield Mall location and should concentrate on giving hand-jobs to hobos.

“We’ve built our business on well-fertilized ground. Might as well use that extremely fertile ground to influence our politics,” said one source, “Bull shat built America. We’re using it to our advantage by forcing the most popular vendors out of the GSFM so that we can build up the less popular vendors into the most popular vendors. Soon the lady with the cat-skin purses will be our lead horse.”

Local consumers are more than engaged, “I think the GSFM has positioned themselves as an exclusive market, one that nobody wants to shop at…that’s pretty exclusive company,” said Nelli Harborson. GSFM execs have said, “Hey fagghetabout it, des people who wanna run dey business can give it a name. No we ain’t no organized crime syndicate, c’mon.”

The Farmers Market of the Ozarks responded to the allegations by offering free solar produced energy to all prospective members.

Man found in fetal position inside Battlefield Mall

Springfield, MO – Jerry Strafford spend the better part of a week trying to find his way out of the Battlefield Mall located in Springfield, MO. Strafford’s wife reported him missing after he went for a drink of water during a shopping spree to find him a  new pair of jeans.

The labyrinth of straight hallways and crowds of people confused Strafford to the point of bewilderment and he could not find his way back to the food court, a predetermined location of rendezvous with his wife. “I had my compass strapped to my jeans belt loop but it was no good. I couldn’t tell which was way up and the crowds of people only added to my frustration. That little girl with the multiple facial piercings haunted me for days. She just stared at me with a blank face, like I pity you.”

Strafford was too embarrassed to ask for help and frequently hid away in a side room to spend the night among mannequins and overstock. “I survived on dippin’ dots and Auntie Ann’s most of the time. I would have talked to the mall police but they were on motorized horses that scared the devil out of me,” said Strafford wiping a tear from his eye.

“I found Jerry crawling on his hands and knees outside a calendar kiosk, I think he was looking for loose change for the candy machine. It was bittersweet, I was happy to have him back but devastated that a shopping mall experience could destroy a man in this way,” said his wife.

Customers prepare insults as they wait in return lines

Springfield, MO – Thousands of holiday retail workers were greeted with jeers and cursing while customers attempted to return their unwanted gifts after the holiday season. “Suck on my non-receipt wielding happy buttocks you stubborn mule!” seemed to be the most tame of customers, Randy Umberly, to a Barnes & Noble employee after he was shorted $2.00 by returning a book without printed confirmation.

Dr. Wighman, a consumer behavioral specialist explained, “most people who return gifts are victimized by their families and friends. These ‘families & friends’ force unwanted or un-thoughtful presents onto their loved ones out of laziness and self-gratification. The recipient usually can’t express their frustration directly to the giver, so they unleash their frustrations upon the person most tangibly responsible for their happiness, usually that is the retail worker who can give them access to the product or good that they desire.”

Multiple expressions were over heard at the Battlefield Mall and included, “You’ve stuck your hand into my chest and tittie-twisted my aorta by not having any more of these robots in stock!”, “Unless you produce my size of jeans, I’m going to rub my feet on your cash register,” and “Keep checking with the manager and I’ll have to start pulling out my nails and flicking them on the 85 other people waiting behind me in line.”

Retail workers report this season as the most rewarding and satisfying experience in their work lives. “Man, nothing beats this time of the year, yesterday I was told that I have ‘elfin’ balls in my pants’ which was quite possibly the funniest insult I’ve ever heard,” claimed Paul Kissinger.

Mall rioters moments before the outburst

Springfield, MO – In conjunction with the sesquicentennial of the Civil War, Battlefield Mall will be staging a reenactment commemorating its own civil war. Battlefield Mall is in fact not named for Battlefield Street, nor for the town, or the civil war battles. Battlefield Mall is named for it’s own battle, nearly forgotten to history.

In 1999, Sbarro and Orange Julius attempted to secede from the mall. They claimed it was due to mall management growing too powerful and not recognizing store’s rights. Other stores, to the north of the food court, claimed the issue was over the low, or non-existent, wages they were paying their employees.

The first battle broke out when Sbarro employees marched down to Claire’s with piles of pepperonis in their hands throwing them at the merchandise and customers. A group of teenage girls banded together led by Katelyn Rew.  They grabbed cheap earrings and fended off the attack, forcing the marauders back into the food court.

Soon, both sides were organizing. JC Penney’s helped build a wall separating the food court from the rest of the mall using portable barbecue grills. Hot Topic customers were often on the front line, firing spiked collars over the wall.

The battle raged for hours, with many casualties. Orange Julius had the greatest losses, losing 5 employees, and 14 vats of “The Original,” which was used as ammo. The food court was occupied by both sides several times. Many from Abercrombie and Fitch were forced to choose sides, with bro fighting bro.

Before the battle ended, Famous Barr was assassinated while he watched a talent show.

The reenactment is scheduled for July 26^th, the 12 year anniversary, of the Treaty of Mastercuts. The organizers are still looking for people willing to portray soldiers. The organizers would like participants to dress like mall patrons of the time. Suggestions are bleach blonde hair for guys and Britney Spears’ schoolgirl outfit for girls.

An elderly man prepares for his outdoor bath

Springfield, MO—Soldiers from Fort Leonard Wood helped clean up several yards of dirty senior citizens in the Ozarks this past weekend. The unclean senior citizens were lined up in section several feet long for the ritualistic cleansing held at the Battlefield Mall parking lot.

Some involved weren’t aware of the coming shower, rinse and louse dousing until the procedure had begun. One participant, Noel Ruffington, said, “My daughter told me she was going to pick me up and told me to stand in this line. I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

Sgt. First Class Tim Illin said, “We had several unkempt senior citizens that needed a good washing today. In fact, I had to wash out one curmudgeon’s mouth with soap, he was cursing like a sailor.” In total about 13-14 yards or 39-42 feet of senior citizens in need of a bath were treated to the free body wash.

Rachel Ruffington said, “I think it is great that the community offers a public bathing for senior citizens. My dad is so old he things baths are a luxury. He could go two weeks without even setting foot in the shower.”

According to the elder Ruffington, “I don’t need to impress nobody. Might as well use the water to I save to water a lawn.”

Borders Group CEO sends a telegraph before heading to soda fountain

Springfield, MO- The old Border’s bookstore building has been purchased by Barnes and Noble to be used as storage for their various computer servers. Barnes and Noble, needing the extra server space and bandwidth to deal with the thousands of patrons visiting their web site every day, bought the building for 25 dollars and a half bag of corn chips.

“Due to Barnes and Noble’s phenomenal e-reader, the Nook, we need all the bandwidth we can get. Man, those things are amazing. What a great time to be in the book business….as long as you not selling actual books,” said Barnes and Noble CEO Chance Starspeed.

Because the e-reader is selling so well, the Borders Express, found at the Battlefield Mall, was also purchased and is being used to store extra Nooks.

“Don’t get me wrong; these babies are flying off the shelves, as are all e-readers. But, we thought it would be good to have some extra ones hanging around,” stated Starspeed.

The bankruptcy of Borders was no surprise. Joining the e-reader game so late spelled disaster for the company. Borders said they could not compete with the seamless download times and storage space of e-readers such as The Nook, Kindle, and iPad.

‘We thought people would love to have the feel of paper in their hands while they read,” said Borders CEO Conner L. Wordsworth, during his address over the telegram, “I guess we were wrong.” The CEO then promptly hand-cranked his horseless carriage and drove to the local five and dime for a delicious soda fountain water to take off the edge.

Borders is believed to have recouped some of their loses by selling books to impoverished European countries for kindling and toilet paper.

Just another shirtless day in Hollister, MO

Hollister MO – Tammy Liebowitz of Hollister Missouri doesn’t know what to wear anymore.  The Hollister native has always taken pride in her hometown and was thrilled whenever she went out and saw people wearing Hollister apparel. “For years  I would go out and see people wearing Hollister gear.”, she said.  “I would also see them wearing clothes that said BRANSON MISSOURI, LAS VEGAS, I LOVE NEW YORK, and even an occasional SPRINGFIELD MISSOURI.  I thought they were showing off where they have been on vacation or like myself showing some home town pride.”
The illusion of all this came to and end when she went east to New Jersey  to visit a friend.  “My friend and I were at a mall in Jersey when I saw some teenagers wearing Hollister sweat shirts.”, commented Liebowitz.  “I thought they were fellow Hollister tigers.  I went up to them and told them how cool it was to see other townspeople from Hollister and asked how they like their visit in New Jersey.  I was shocked when they acted like I didn’t know what I was talking about.  They said they had lived in New Jersey all their lives and the Hollister apparel they had on was from the Hollister clothing company out of California!  To make matters worse, they had never heard of Hollister Missouri and didn’t even know where it was!” said Liebowitz.

During the plane ride back to Missouri, Liebowitz vowed to change her fashion statement.  “My clothing style was going to change starting at the airport.”, she added.  That did not work out as she found out at the ticket counter.  “I flew back on American Eagle Airlines.  When we landed I went to their ticket counter and asked where I could buy some American Eagle clothing since there was none in the gift shop.  I was stunned to learn that American Eagle is also a clothing company and has nothing to do with the airline.”

The final straw for Leibowitz was at the Battlefield Mall.  “I went to the OLD NAVY store.  I asked the clerk if their profits went to the old sailors retirement home.”,she said.  “Again the same story, Old Navy is a clothing company and has nothing to do with the military. That’s probably why I have never seen clothes that say NEW ARMY, MODERN AIR FORCE or even COOL COAST GUARD. It appears the only clothes left for Liebowitz is sports apparel.  “I don’t even like the New York Yankees, but honestly I am at a point where I really don’t know what to wear anymore.”, she sadly said.

Man completes shopping without going to mall

Springfield MO – The friends and family of Springfield resident John Dinkleman were shocked recently when he proudly announced that he had finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago without having setting foot in the Battlefield Mall.  “Yep, it’s true.”, boasted Dinkleman. “Got er all done without having to go to the Mall.  Heck, I haven’t even been there in years.”

When asked how he was able to accomplish such an unusual feat, Dinkleman shared some of his shopping secrets with FCN.  “The big thing is that I found that there are several places all over Springfield that I can buy shoes, athletic wear, jewelry, candy, clothes of all kinds…even kitchenware you name it; there is another place in Springfield that sells it. If I get hungry, there is no waiting at a food court.  I just go to a drive thru and get burgers, tacos, chicken and even oriental food.  It’s just a simple deal.  The truth is I have always shopped like this.  Nobody knew I did it this way until I came home one night with a Target bag,” he said.

Sally Dinkleman, who was been married to John for over 20 years, was pleasantly surprised when she learned of her husband’s shopping secrets.  “I just can’t believe how good he does with the whole family’s gifts.  Everyone is happy and nobody complains.  I always thought he was a sucker for radio and TV ads for jewelry or a Lexus, cause that is what I usually get.  If his method of shopping ever gets out you may never see a married man in the Battlefield Mall again.”

Finally, Dinkleman revealed the universal truth in male shopping that could render being a marketing major in college a thing of the past.  “Let me tell you something.  And again its a simple deal.  WOMEN SHOP AND MEN BUY.  It’s true.  How many times have you been out with the wife or girl friend and look at shoes, for example.  Women can look at shoes all day and come home empty handed.  That would never happen with a man,” he said.

Cougar poaching is illegal after the season ends in August

Springfield, MO—This past weekend, Battlefield Mall security apprehended at least eight suspects for cougar hunting out of season. Every year, on the first of August, the cougars tend to migrate back to retailers in an attempt to find good deals on clothing for their young. Known for their ferocious attitude, raw sex appeal and sixth sense when it comes to finding a deal, these creatures are a hunter’s delight. After school starts, however, cougar hunting becomes strictly relegated to their natural habitat of fitness centers around the city.

A group of college students from out of state were unaware of this law when they came to the Battlefield Mall in an attempt to capture a cougar. “How was I supposed to know that it was out of season? I was just hoping to capture a blonde one and have her take me back to her den,” one of the hunters said.

Head of Battlefield Mall security, Paul Barnhardt stated, “Ignorance of the law is no excuse. If these boys wanted to capture them a cougar, then they should have been here during J.C. Penney’s back to school sale; it was like shooting metaphorical fish in a barrel. Now that school has started, they would be hard-pressed to find even a puma in the wilds of the mall. It’s like actually shooting fish in a barrel now which, if you watch Mythbusters, is actually quite hard.”

Catching these eight hunters is a big win for mall security, but the war isn’t over yet. “Sure, it may deter hunters for a little while, but they’ll be back. Labor Day is coming up and every year, that weekend is nothing but trouble. You’ve got cougars who are prowling for last bits of deals and it’s just too tempting for some people. We’ve got to remember that they need their space.”

One of the arrested men was unapologetic for his actions as he reminisced over years past.  “I’ll never forget the first time my dad took me cougar hunting when I was eight years old. He used me as bait by having me walk up to a cougar and say ‘will you help me find my daddy?’ After the cougar reunited me with my father he’d say ‘don’t run away from me like that again. You’re all I’ve got now that your mother has passed away.’ And then we’d go get an Orange Julius. It was a great father/son bonding experience and I want the same thing for my son, one day.”