Rockin' movies at Table Rock

Branson, MO – The Army Corp. of Engineers announced that it will show movies against the face of Table Rock Mountain for the pleasure of boaters, fishermen, and general water enthusiasts this summer. The TRL Summer Movie Series opens next weekend and will feature The Rock starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

“We have a projector boat, basically it is a photo cannon that floats on the water. It is one of the largest projector boats known to exist. Basically it’s the only one that I know of,” said Lance Metaford of Water Projections Inc. With the increase in local vacations, or staycations, more people are foregoing plane trips out of state and are keeping their vacation dollars nearer to home.

The Army Corp. of Engineers decided that a “movie night” would be a great way to thank and entertain visitors to Table Rock Lake, while hopefully attracting more tourists to the area. “Who doesn’t love a good flick, or hanging out on the water? Putting the two together is a great idea,” said Melinda Kissinger a long-time visitor to State Park Marina.

Second-run films will be the mainstay of the programming, however, most will feature ties to the area including The Rock, Lake Placid, and a special screening of Winter’s Bone.

Indian Ghost waits in line to enter and terrorize White Water

Branson, MO- Horror and mayhem came to a head yesterday when the ancient 100-year-old prophecies of Branson’s demise came true. Creatures arose from Marvel Cavern, a sea beast attacked the Landing, and ghosts appearing throughout the 76 strip. The prophecy was first foretold by a hillbilly witch doctor named Cthulhu, living in the woods who only survived by consuming June bugs and honey from bees he wore in his beard.

He foretold other events such as the construction of the St. Louis Arc, the numerous Cardinals World Series victories, and the miraculous coming of Brad Pitt (he totally didn’t see the Jennifer break up though). His prophecies were delivered in forms of filthy, filthy limericks, too grotesque to publish.

The terror occurred at the stroke of midnight where demonic creatures arose from Marvel Cave, shrouded by an eerie red-tinted fog. Then Achoochoo (Cthulhu’s hillbilly yokel cousin) rose slowly from the waters near the Branson Landing. Then Indian ghosts, ghosts from the Titanic, and the ghost from that one guy who totally died when he stood up on the roller coaster all appeared on Baldknobber Mountain and walked toward the city in a ghoulish parade. Also Branson Satan showed up, who is a lot like regular Satan, only he uses his pitchfork for actual farm chores, wears a funny hat, and mostly just challenges people to fiddle competitions.

“We had this coming,” said Billy Barnsllow, a resident of Branson for 89 years. “We buried the whole damn town on an Indian burial ground. Well, we killed all the Indians first then buried them there.”
The monstrous beings wreaked havoc on the town so terrible it can only be described as “an orgy of blood and pain”, “God’s vengeance personified”, and “totally like that one scene in Gremlins 2, you know the one.”

A band of rag-tag survivors tried to destroy the creatures, thus ushering a new era of peace. But, with most people “raptured” to a better place (taken by bus to The Cedars Resort) it was in vain. Now that Branson is a smoldering hellscape of brimstone and anguish, many local tourist stops are hoping for more business.

“This is great for us,” states a Hot Springs hotel owner. “Of course when the dragon that is heating our waters awakens in 36 years we are going to be in the same boat.”

Iceberg takes down Chateau

Springfield, MO- Tragedy struck on Saturday when the premier Branson resort (called unsinkable by the press) was hit by an iceberg and slowly sunk into the lake, taking numerous souls with down with her. Ironically the disaster struck exactly 100 years after the Titanic met its icy fate. Many blame the tragedy on man’s hubris.

“My engineers warned me about the lack of life boats,” said the hotel owner. “I told them hotels on land don’t need life boats because they are hotels and on land. I was such a fool.” The iceberg was being delivered by tugboat to Silver Dollar City when the boat lost control and the iceberg careened at the resort at 0.5 mile per hour.

“I guess we are partially to blame because first the iceberg struck the resort, then melted around it causing the victims to drown in freezing cold water,” said Jonathon Silverdollar, the heir of the Silver Dollar City fortune, “But, people want their snow cones, and if I can think there are better ways to make snow cones other than shaving a genuine hand delivered Atlantic Ocean iceberg, I would love to hear it.”

Once the iceberg hit, it tore through the beach then struck the resort at 11:40 AM. Panicked people raced to the few lifeboats. First it was wives and mothers, then mistresses, cute children, normal children, AAA members, Discover cardholders, good tippers, and then everyone else. Although the chivalrous plan was set into motion, chaos soon broke out.

“When people found out about the lack of lifeboats, they went mad especially since we offered our premier members more leg room by decline other passengers. And it was poor hindsight that we replaced all our very buoyant wooden tables with marble laden pieces,” said hotel first mate Randall Parkson.

The rescue was delayed because the coast guard took hours to get to the accident. “Sure we were right there, said Police Commissioner Williams. “But, a sinking vessel is a coast guard thing. Plus it was really late at night.” Branson plans to make a museum commemorating the tragedy.

Submarine rides below Table Rock Lake

Branson, MO – Visitors to Branson can now enjoy the first underwater ride-through exhibit opened by the Titanic Museum to mark the 100-year anniversary of the sinking of the infamous ship. A special ceremony introduced the Underwater Titanic exhibit to the public; the underwater ride allows ticket holders to experience firsthand how it felt to go down with the ship.

A few lucky people in attendance were allowed to ride. “It was really like I was sinking, drowning in an icy ocean. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t breathe at one point,” said Nathan Bartface. When pressed for details, officials revealed that during the ride the oxygen supply to the submarine cars is cut off to simulate “underwater drowning”.

The Underwater Titanic exhibit begins at the museum and travels a 30 mile trek including 22 miles under Table Rock Lake. According to a source, animatronic robots were placed near the base of Table Rock Lake Dam and include charming characters who gasp for air, are seen bloating, and one hilarious animatronic robot who is attempting to swim.

“The Underwater Titanic exhibit is about getting people closer to the disaster. We all want to learn more about it, now we can experience yet another side of the tragic sinking – the death side. We all pretty much know the love stories anyway,” said Cindy Whitely.

The Underwater Titanic even comes with a new addition to the mascot family, a miniature Emperor Penguin, named Iceberg.

Chariot racing approved in Branson

Springfield, MO – The proposed sale of land to be used for a loud, boisterous race-track has been denied and the purchase rights transferred to a group who is leading the charge to bring horse chariot racing to the Ozarks.

The sale of the land near Ridgedale, owned by Russell Cook, was to be held by the Taney County Sheriff’s Office at 1 p.m. today in Forsyth. On Monday morning, Cook confirmed that the sale had been sideswiped by the horse and chariot community who purchased the land pennies on the dollar.

“I guess the Taney County Planning Commission approved the purchase quickly as chariot racing is much quieter than NASCAR type automobiles. In fact, the only benign noise from chariot racing is when a driver is thrown from his ride and crushed by other chariot racers…hardly a concern to nearby vacationers,” said Louis Floristat, a local concerned citizen.

Chariot Racing of the Ozarks Council (CROC) confirmed that the land near Big Cedar Lodge was secured today and that they plan an opening day in the fall of 2013. “We expect that the building of the track will take very little time and most of our preparations will be in the training of the chariot drivers and the horses,” said CROC representative Jimmy Handlebars.

According to CROC sources, several drivers have already been signed and will be gladiator-ish in nature. Leonitus, Maximus, and Flamma have all agreed to appear at the track and officials are excited to bring chariot racing to the area which will generate strong spectator enthusiasm. “The Olympic Games would love to bring back the sport as it was one of the most important equestrian events. We hope to be the catalyst for this occurrence,” said Handlebars.

Cashew chicken flight is very popular between SGF and BGK

Springfield, MO – In an effort to cross-promote tourism in the area, the Springfield – Branson Airport has announced a new flight from Branson to Springfield and back. The short flight is anticipated to increase spending in the Ozarks by hundreds of dollars.

“We expect that the crosstown traffic generated is going to allow more spending within the Ozarks. Yes, it is going to cost $450 to travel 30 miles via air, but we predict that the easy access will encourage spending in Springfield and Branson,” said one travel official.

“Yeah we wuz planning to Springfield after Branson by driving, but when we heard that we could fly there and spend more money we wuz all aboard. Spending money increases the local economies, so we wuz all in,” said tourists Jimmy Ujilkifsh.

The anticipated increase in tourist dollars has encouraged businesses to sponsor the flights between the two destinations. Air passengers can choose between the “Yak-your-trek-off”, “Redneck Travelers” or the “Cashew Chicken Express” based on travelers expectations.

“I choose the ‘Cashew Chicken Express’ because we were actually served cashew chicken on our flight. I’m sure it’d be nice to be serenaded by Redneck tenors or entertained by Yakov, but I’m a big eater and the food was a big draw to me,” said Nate Emerson as he slurped down his remaining in-air flight meal.

Tornado figures this place was already destroyed

Branson, MO – The vicious tornado that ripped apart the Branson Strip entertainment area apparently stopped short of demolishing the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditorium, presumable due to the building already having the appearance of destruction.

“I’d say that mighty black tornader seen the Ripley’s building and figured it was already fallin’ apart so there’s no use in hitting it,” said native Jake Stillworth, “looks to me that the weird building done saved itself by the funny architecture.”

Most locals suggest that the wax gypsies and shrunken heads protected the building by exuding a black magic force-field that redirected the EF-2 destructor. “Of course that is complete bunk,” said Dr. Norma Shivershins, “the tornado that hit Branson had eyes, it could see that the building showed structural damage and was not a worthy opponent. I suggest that all of our homes be modeled to appear as if they are falling apart to protect against natural disasters.”

Tornado whisperer Kale Lora confirmed, “when the twister was skipping across highway 76, I reached out to the wind spirit and heard it say ‘what’s up with that building? Might as well let it fall apart by itself’. That’s a fact. That tornado intentionally avoided the Ripley’s BION Odditorium.”

A spokesperson for the attraction confirmed that they are in fact open, once the electricity is back on.

New attraction to bring wenches and beer

Branson, MO – During a special meeting, the Branson Board of Aldermen approved the ownership transfer of Factory Merchants mall to the city paving the way to lease the land for Copper Coin City – a new theme park set in the Middle ages complete with a feudal system, Crusades, chivalry and courtly love. The red roof structure will be remodeled to resemble a castle surrounding the court where coin operated animatronics and rides provide entertainment for guests.

“Doth thou thinketh a joke? Nay, methinks not!” said city Alderman Joey Humperdink, “By my troth, Copper Coin City will be a place of epic battles, jousting tournaments, royal feasts, knights and romance. ‘Tis most splendid indeed!”

Proponents of the planned theme park point to the success of nearby Silver Dollar City, a park themed in the 1880’s. Opponents claim that Copper Coin City will not be a family-friendly vacation destination with down-home charm, rather it will be a lawless territory with wenches serving mead, dangerous gangs of looters and heirs of mongrel bitches.

The City claims that Copper Coin City will be successful in drawing a younger generation to Branson. “We plan to get dollars to the coin on the investment” said a press release. The property is located on 32 acres of land owned by the city and the existing 31 red roof tenants will have the option to move or transform their shop into a blacksmith, tavern, or house of ill-repute.

A full size replica of the Hindenberg sits across from the Titanic

Branson, MO- It looks as if fire and ice will come together when Branson’s Hindenburg Museum will open next month directly across the street from the world famous Titanic Museum. The Hindenburg Museum will let visitors see the horror of the famous explosion that destroyed the LZ 129 Hindenburg zeppelin on May 6, 1937 through interactive exhibits and memorabilia.

“We are very excited,” said the museum’s Marketing Director Damien Hearth, “It was a real tragedy that the air ship, described as many as “un-explodable”, lost so many souls. I mean, only 36 to be exact. But, it is quality not quantity.”

The exhibits will include numerous burned items including hats, hand bags, and dinnerware. Most of it will be burnt past recognition, but helpful labels carefully placed in the ash will let visitors know what the blackened items once were. There will be a 10-foot high pile of “burnt-a-topia” where all the items that cannot be identified will be stacked for all to see.

Some interactive exhibits include putting your hand over an open flame to see how long you can last to emphasize with the victims, make your own Herbert Morrison narration over the news reel footage, and sit in a Luftwaffe plane that was restored from the Hindenburg wreckage.

“That last one might not last too long,” said Hearth, “People get all up tight when putting their kids in a German fighter plane. It is not like we have a simulation where they shoot down Allied aircraft…that won’t able available until March.”

“I am so glad the Hindenburg Museum will shed light on the tragedy,” said Apollo Fires, an expert in Hindenology. “To think this tragedy could have been avoided if only they had enough life-gliders on board. Unfortunately they didn’t have any…because they have never existed.”

The museum will be opening late October with a spectacular grand opening complete with giant hydrogen filled balloons for children and sparklers for everyone. Grand opening banners have been printed to read, “Oh the Humanity!”

What a country! What a corn maze!

Verona, MO – An excited community has prepared to celebrate the coming fall season by featuring a time honored tradition of knocking down crops into a confusing shape to befuddle strollers in a maze of happiness. This year’s shape in Verona is focused around America’s famous Russian comedian, Yakov Smirnoff. “What a corn maze!” exclaimed the performer upon hearing the news.

Officials from the maze said, “This year as the leaves turn and the foliage spoils to nothing we wanted to honor a person who has made so many people laugh for so long, thank you Yakov.” According to sources the maze was actually constructed with the help of the Russian Space Station Mir.

Cosmonaut Alexander Vitaly personally assisted with the GPS directions to help guide the corn knockers in their quest to confuse fall celebrators as they wander through maize. Vitaly said, “I first thought dat this was corny idea, then I was proven right! Very nice gesture, so happy for comrade Yakov.”

Usually, such formalities are reserved for Czars or even brown bears. This is the first known instance of a non-royal, non-country icon ever being semi-immortalized in edible crops.