Obnoxious stank emitted from Tindle Mill destruction

Springfield, MO—A local dog food factory’s destruction is releasing a nasty fragrance not experienced since the operation was producing smelly dog food. Tindle Mills was known regionally for emitting a foul sulfur odor while in production, a smell now revived by the buildings’ demise.

“Once we started tearing down that tower it released a gaseous stank that brought tears to my eyes. Reminded me of the old days, when Tindle Mills was crankin’ out dog chow from horse hooves and cattle bones,” said Daniel Ufstress, a demolition worker.

In 2005, the long vacant Tindle Mills location was donated by ADM Alliance Nutrition to Drury University. Recently, the OTC Board of Trustees voted to borrow $2 million to buy the former mill site and build a new parking lot.

“We had no idea that the demolition would produce these types of memory-inducing smells. I recall driving up and down Chestnut Expressway back in the ‘90s and breathing in the foul emissions produced from the mill. Hopefully we can get rid of the stench by the time the parking lot goes in,” said one OTC official.

OTC plans to issue a parking fee for students at the Springfield OTC campus to help pay for construction of the 150 space parking lot but now is considering an additional fumigation fee to eliminate any lingering odors.

Drury planned to turn the 8.1-acre site into a green space but reconsidered given the “stank bomb” characteristics of the site.

SIgns posted reminding Ozark's motorists of omnipresent improvements

Springfield, MO—Roadwork across the Ozarks has caused delays at every turn as money is poured into highways, interchanges, traffic signals, lane widening, resurfacing, and pavement sealing.

Currently route 60/65 is undergoing replacement of bridges, construction of new bridges and two “flyover” ramps. I-44/Glenstone Avenue is undergoing bridge replacement, ramps rebuilding, and insertion of added traffic signals.

Motorist Hoarst Ugula said, “I’m glad that we’re creating jobs and rebuilding our infrastructure but this is a major pain in the pothole.”

Most construction projects are slated for completion in 2010, with a few major projects wrapping up in 2012. “Hey, that’s just three more years of this chaos. I mean that’s not very long in the history of the earth,” said a frustrated motorist waiting to get through the construction-congested interchange of highway 14 and 65 in Ozark, MO.

“National street, Kearney street, route 160, 73, M, ZZ, 248, F, K. It is a freaking alphabet soup and numerical nightmare in Greene County!” expressed an Ahmad Frutik, another frustrated motorist.

MoDOT says Springfield drivers are being warned to expect traffic delays everywhere and forever. “Traffic patterns change but congestion is always here. What’s that they say ‘if you don’t like the weather, it’ll change tomorrow’? Well, if you don’t like your congested commuter route, wait until tomorrow cause it’ll change,” said Norman Scheffler a native Brookline resident.

After several recounts, Plaza Towers deemed only to be one “tower”.

Springfield, MO— For years the Plaza Towers, a landmark building, has been referred to in the plural, now counting experts agree that only one structure exists at the corner of Glenstone and Sunshine. After several minutes of speculation and observation, one man Kris Flinger confirmed that the Plaza Towers “seems to be only one tower”.

“When I moved here from Sheboygan, everyone referenced the Plaza Towers when giving directions. At first I was confused by the name, then I would always wonder why just one building stood at the corner. I never wanted to ask because I figured the other building was sucked into a horrible black hole or something,” said Jenny Tulia.

Further proof of the singularity of the structure, beyond the visual, exists in the single address of the office building. “If two towers existed, you’d see multiple addresses or a tower distinction on the address label,” said Postman Red Hemmington.

As of press time, at least 25 people were polled as they left the building each with various responses. Most comments ranged from rage to confusion.  Most felt deceived that they were lead to believe that more than one tower existed, and were left to count on their own. “I do a lot of counting during my day, but I don’t expect to have to count multiple storied structures that I office in every week of the year,” said one building occupant who chose not to share his name.

Originally, the plans called for seven towers to be built on site, however construction costs dictated that the towers be condensed into one block-long single project. “We’re still holding out hope that we can build another tower to accompany the existing Plaza Towers,” said one Plaza Towers official.

Until then, people who count recommend dimming the “S” on the marquee signage to read “Plaza Tower”.

“I had two axe handles wedged in my throat, three gunshot wounds and a fever after the bear attack. I had to wait 12 hours just to fill out paper work last time I was in the Cox ER,” said Tommy Rictor. “If that happens again, I guess I’ll have an updated space to lounge in as I wait…nothing soothes like new architecture.”

In 15 months, roughly the gestation period of a Beluga whale, the new Cox South ER should be open. The new emergency room will feature adult and pediatric trauma bays, heart monitoring observation rooms, a pharmacy, psychiatric-safe areas and a larger enhanced waiting room.

“78,000 square feet. That’s lots more room for our patients with medical emergencies to relax as they wait for professional attention,” CoxHealth CEO said, sighing a breath of relief.

Other features, funded by a major donor gift, include the anti-zombie wing. Doctors will have access to chainsaws, hammers, toasters and old records to throw at the undead.

Also, law kiosks will be available for patients who wish to file suits against negligent doctors. “It’s greatly needed because we have great caregivers in our current ER department but we also have some real losebags who don’t deserve to practice medicine on Cavity Sam,” said Carol Hotengeyer, RN, administrative director of CoxHealth’s emergency departments.

“Is it water on the knee? OPERATION! A whole bucket, see? OPERATION! A Charley Horse, it’s true! OPERATION! I’m the doctor for YOU!,” chanted protestors outside the ceremonial groundbreaking.

“No more chasing ambulances, we have access right here in the building,” says an excited ambulance chasing lawyer. “But like all things at Cox, we’ll have to wait to see how it works out.”