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Brat Hut Looks to Add Shaking Bratwurst to Shack Top

Springfield, MO – Local brat-shop Bratwurst Hutte plans to add an enormous shaking traffic stopper to their location on East Battlefield road soon. Several options include a very large sausage, a gyrating bratwurst or several big hot dogs bundled together to draw attention from drivers traversing Battlefield road. According to Pineapple Whip employee Kale McFritters, […]

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Traveling Taco Just an Easy Grill

  Springfield, MO—The mobile Mexican merchant located on Sunshine street has recently confessed to being “a grille who gets around a lot”. Coming as no surprise local patrons to the whore de taco said, “yeah I mean I know a  lot of people who put their dirty mouths on their tacos.” According to the Greene […]

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Branson Blasted For Serving Patrons Under 65

  Branson M0- After a police sting operation, numerous restaurants in the Branson area have been found guilty of serving patrons under the age of 65. Branson known as the “Vegas of the Mid-West With Colostomy Bags” prides itself to be the vacation spot for the old and old at heart. Many of the “youngins” […]

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Husbands Realize Valentine’s Day Was Yesterday

Springfield, MO- A collective groan was heard all over Springfield yesterday when hundreds of Ozark area husbands realized that they forgot Valentine’s day. Although the February 14th holidays falls on the same date every year (February 14th) many husbands were befuddled by the fact it was a Monday. “I knew something was up when she […]

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Anticipated Snow Melt To Boost City’s Revenues In An Unlikely Way

Springfield, MO – As local temperatures begin an anticipated 70 degree swing towards the positive over the next few days, Springfield City Council is planning on generating some revenues in a most unusual way….they’ll be selling off all of the surplus salt they’ve accumulated for this storm to local Chinese restaurants. “I don’t know about […]

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Fire-Roasted Andy’s Custard Announced

Springfield, MO—Andy’s Frozen Custard is announcing a new custard blend following a roof fire to the East Sunshine location. According to sources, the Fire-Roasted Custard will be unveiled next week. The new treat starts with the secret recipe of milk, cream and sugar and features crushed chestnuts, several splashes of Tabasco Habanero pepper sauce, topped […]

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Old Law/New Day Help Chicken Owners

Springfield MO—People that finally got the approval to have chickens in the city limits got an additional bonus with the discovery of an old Springfield law that gives chicken owners the right to hang chicken thieves without a trail or due process of law.  The law written in 1830′s is still on the books and […]

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Customer Report: Pizza Less than Incredible

Breaking News Springfield, MO – Local curmudgeon Jeffery Owings has a bone to pick – with Incredible Pizza. “I went to this allegedly Incredible Pizza the other day. I had expectations, let me tell you. And guess what? They weren’t met, no sir. Not in the least. The pizza was far from incredible. It was, […]

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Bistro Market ‘Bigger Than Jesus’

Springfield, MO—After years as downtown Springfield’s most recognized poster-board evangelist, Mathew Bolen has traded his post at the corner of South and Walnut for Wagyu beef, fresh ground almond butter, and organic chard. “Bistro Market is what I’d been praying for,” said Bolen. “When Wheeler’s moved out, I filled the hole in my heart with […]

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Ozarkers Burn Cashew Chicken in Protest

Springfield, MO—Local Ozarkers are turning up the heat to pressure Rev. Terry Jones, the head of a small Florida church, who plans to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11th. Several southwest Missourians plan to protest Jones’ radical plan by incinerating something close to their hearts: Springfield-style cashew chicken. “I think if you sacrifice […]

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Ice Cream Man, Dentists in Cahoots?

Springfield, MO—According to sources, one particular ice cream man, identified as Dave, has been setting up shop outside a local dentist office, apparently trying to rot potential patients’ teeth. “Y’know it looks real suspicious when the local dentist’s office has an ice cream man parked out front. I know times are hard, but to peddle […]

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Staxx Owner Buys Jelly Beans, Red Hots, Peach O’s

Springfield, MO—According to sources, Meghan Chambers, owner of Staxx LLC downtown clothing store, has purchased several gummy confectioneries made of sugars, gelatin, corn syrup, and starch. On Tuesday, an employee at the Candy House on South Campbell Avenue confirmed that she saw Chambers picking through an assorted bin of Jelly Belly beans, meticulously picking out […]

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Diners Scramble at Scramblers

Springfield, MO—Scramblers diners were sent scrambling after a rogue driver plowed a gas meter and electrical box. The diners were hustled out of the establishment as a precautionary measure by a manager who shouted “Scramble! Scramble! Get Out!” Scramblers at West Chestnut Expressway was packed at the time and several Customers weren’t immediately sure what […]

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Couple Sneaks Extra Breadsticks into Doggie Bag at Olive Garden

Springfield, MO—A discreet couple smoothly inserted three leftover breadsticks into their Styrofoam take home box Monday evening without raising suspicions among Olive Garden wait staff at Glenstone and Erie streets in the Queen City. Doris and Henry Norton enjoyed a lavish feast of chicken scampi and chicken Alfredo respectively and just received their boxed leftovers […]

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Man at Fair Deep Fried, Eaten

Springfield, MO—Jeffery Green, a local accountant, met with tragedy yesterday at the Ozark Empire Fair when he was accidently battered, fried, and quickly devoured by local fair attendees. The feeding frenzy was so quick no one was identified or charged. The fair apologized to Green’s family and offered them a stuffed gorilla and a White […]