Texting increases during snowy conditions and slow drive times

Springfield, MO – Drivers experienced more time to text and drive on Tuesday as a slight dusting of snow snarled traffic to a standstill on most major thoroughfares. Barely 1/8” of God’s powder covered city streets signaling the all-clear for creeping vehicle speeds, over-cautious braking and snail’s pace right-hand turns.

“Effing shoot me in the face, this driver is NSANE” tweeted Noah Figero as he drove and texted down Glenstone tailgating a weather-impaired motorist. Figero found it a bit harder to text on his mobile device as his fingers were a bit colder than usual, however he had more time to make sure he properly struck the appropriate keys given traffic speeds were reduced to 5-6 MPH.

City of Springfield officials indicated that roads were especially slippery but most motorist were alerted to poor driving conditions by checking their facebook accounts while pulling out of their own driveways. “I was pulling out, checking my tweetdeck and facebook and saw that most people were either sliding into a ditch or bitching about other people’s driving. I knew it was going to be a slow ride to work. I just updated my FB to read ‘take your time while driving today’ as I backed out, put on my seatbelt and ate a Ho-Ho and drank some coffee while inserting the new CD into my car’s in-dash stereo. Safety first people,” said Herm Yolander of Ozark, MO.

Several motorists tweeted collisions to @SGFPolice as they drove by in the slippery streets to report accidents, before they themselves wrecked into the car in front of them.

New road signs should offer up helpful reminders

Springfield, MO – Distant and vague messages such as “Seatbelts Save Lives”, and “Speed Limit Enforced” have begun to appear on Springfield’s newest digital road signs begging the question: why?

Local motorist Luke Feelyajum said, “I thought the messages would be a bit more useful than what I’ve seen so far. Perhaps a ‘Just Say No’ or ‘Accident Ahead’ would be  nice.”

Representatives for the signage have stated that they are simply warming up the signs and introducing motorists to the digital messaging, easing them into the constant bombardment of messaging during daily commutes. In the meantime, drivers have put together a list of more beneficial messages that they would like to see while navigating city streets.

They include: Fortune Cookie Messages, Lucky Numbers, Love advice, Horoscopes, TV programming schedules, NFL fantasy team updates, spoiler alerts, checking email, reporting vehicle speeds, low tire pressure indicator, heads-up that someone is tailgating you, reminder that you didn’t use your turn signal, almost time to gas up, speed trap ahead, lyrics to that song I can’t remember, a nice recipe for Dutch apple pie, gardening tips, best place for a good night’s rest, nearing a known sex offender’s home, giving time and temperature, slight bump in the road warming, countdown to New Year’s, reminder to pick up milk on the way home, current cholesterol levels, nearest buy-one-get-one-free offer on candy bars and a reminder that your anniversary is coming up.

Texts are sent to drivers as they approach the new texting lane

Greene County, MO— Driving south on highway 65 became easier over the weekend as the Missouri Department of Transportation opened the countries first 12 miles of the new texting lane from Interstate 44 in Springfield to Highway CC in Ozark. The controversial new stretch of road was opened at midnight on Sunday to avoid excessive attention from protesting groups.

The texting-while-driving-lane was approved by voters in last fall’s election and support groups claim the new lane will make driving safer for those who refrain from using their mobile devices while operating a motor vehicle.

“This lane will help relieve congestion on one of the Ozark’s busiest stretches of highway: I-44 from Springfield southward,” said Mayor Jim O’Neal. “I am pleased that construction is ahead of schedule so we can bring drivers a better trip sooner. Plus we were getting tired of the diverging diamonds and wanted to come up with another first in road construction design”

New signage directs drivers to the upcoming change in traffic. For those drivers who are already texting but not quite to the texting lane, a special mobile message is sent to all mobile devices as drivers pass by the sign.

“As I was driving down the road, I was texting my friend about the new shoes I was gonna buy once I got paid at the end of the week when this message appeared that I was about to enter the texting-while-driving lane. It was so cool that I almost ran off the road with excitement. I had totally passed the sign and wouldn’t have noticed the road change had I not had a mobile alert on my phone,” said Sasah Hummering. Not all are as impressed.

“Man I was driving down the road and got this text about a texting lane for safety. I grabbed my phone, then crashed trying to read the text!” said Herb Newsome.

O’Neil says bumpers will soon be added to the lanes for pin-balling cars in the right direction and added, “traffic on the 65 corridor definitely got better once the new texting lane opened. Congestion has been reduced and texting and
driving time will be improved for thousands of people every day.”

Considerate driver irks motorists with his lawfulness

Springfield, MO—Local commuter Keith Jonas was seen making a statement to the Springfield community at large. And that statement was “I’m driving the speed limit”. Many interpreted that statement to be the equivalent of a giant middle finger, since it is an unwritten law that you are expected to be going 10-35 mph over the limit in the greater Metro area, especially in construction zones.

“I don’t know what that guys problem is,” vented one teen motorist as she was texting her frustrations while driving 73mph southbound on Glenstone, “OMG, what a jerk. LOL!”

It would appear that Jonas’ experiment was appreciated by one group: senior citizens. Many seniors interviewed said they applauded his efforts to bring a little civility back to roadways.

“It’s about law and order. It’s about respect. It’s about keeping your left turn signal on as a deterrent to speeding” declared Jim Burton, 79, when asked. His only complaint was that Mr. Jonas was still “going a little fast” while operating his vehicle. Burton’s preference? “26 miles per hour. There’s no need to go any faster than that anywhere in this fine city.”

Mr. Jonas’ actions also have local traffic enforcement officers baffled. “Who does he think he is? Is this some sort of joke?” asked Officer Markus Phillips as he scrolled down his computer screen, looking up possible violations for following the speed limit. “Those signs are more like suggestions rather than hard-and-fast laws. We don’t need any more wiseacres in this town. He better get with the program.”

Mr. Jonas could not be reached for comment, since he refused to answer his cell phone while driving, yet another act of defiance against the social norms.

WTF sign displays multiple messages depending upon the motorist

Springfield, MO—Tuesday a motorist encountered a strange street sign and became confused as to the signs intentions. Jill Montery said, “It looked like there was a strange devil scorpion warning sign. I just did a quick u-turn and avoided the street altogether. I don’t like those nasty tailed lizards.”

Others have found the sign to be perplexing at best or haven’t noticed it at all. “I was driving down the boulevard, saw a dude on a sign with three spikes coming out of his head, then I had to navigate a turnabout and the sign completely left my mind until just now,” said Chris Popperly, a student at Ozarks Technical Community College.

A MODoT spokesman confirmed that indeed the sign was in indicator of an upcoming turnabout intersection and said the origins of the sign design were to inform drivers that multiple exits are available mixed with a question mark to get them thinking.

Despite the explanation, the unusual graphic continues to suggest “Poseidon Ahead,”  “Three Beaked Swallow,” and “Yield Whichever Way You Want” to unsuspecting motorists.

“When I first saw it I thought it was a map showing the Gulf Oil Spill disaster complete with the origin of the failed well and the direction of the oil plumes,” said Heather Greenbitz.

Howard says Dennison, who lives in a trailer near Carterville, has a revoked driver’s license and several outstanding warrants for tractor racing. The chief says his blood-alcohol level was 0.094 percent and he was too intoxicated to test the lawn mower driver’s blood-alcohol level. The legal limit for drivers is .08 percent.

Dennison is charged with misdemeanor driving while intoxicated, driving with a revoked license, driving an off-road vehicle on a highway and pathetic racing of lawn tractors. “Really what else is there to do in Carterville?” exclaimed Dennison who was challenged to a race by some “punk kid”.

Howard said people with revoked licenses or previous drunken driving arrests often think it is okay to operate a lawn mower while drunk but it’s illegal to drive any vehicle on a public thoroughfare while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, much less race them on public streets.

Says Howard, “There’s really not much else to do around here ‘cept drink and race lawn mowers. These people really need to find a new hobby before someone races their tractor off the side of a cliff.”

As a sign from God, she felt it was her duty to follow it. “I took the next left thinking it was leading me somewhere.” But her mission from God was short-lived. Following a few turns into a nearby subdivision, she found herself in a cul-de-sac. “After about twenty minutes going around in circles, I decided to turn right. Then the arrow turned off,” she says.

As she continued on to yoga class, Mrs. Worther pondered her experience. “At first I thought God was telling me I should’ve voted for Obama, or maybe he was guiding me to some Malawian baby to adopt. I just didn’t know.” Then a car crossed in front of her and it all became clear. That car had a light on its rear, flashing at the same speed as the arrow Mrs. Worther had just been following. She realized that she had just used her ‘turn signal.’

“I’d heard of turn signals before, but I’d never actually seen one, let alone use one,” she says. So she pulled over and began inspecting her car for the source of the signal. As she retraced the events just before the arrow appeared, she remembered hitting a “stick thingy” behind the steering wheel. So, she pushed the stick up and an arrow appeared again, this time pointing right.

“I literally pooped in my pants a little, I was so surprised,” she says. “I always thought it was just a balancing stick or an emergency handle or something. I didn’t realize that turn signals were real. I always thought they were like the Sasquatch of driving tools. Everyone has heard of them, but you never actually see one.” When asked if she will now use her turn signal after making this discovery, Mrs. Worther says that she will not for fear of confusing other drivers.