Ella Richardson can’t believe her recess is not going to happen

Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision.

“I was s’pose to swing with Ella during my recess, but instead I had to stay inside and play math games cause of the bad man,” said Timothy Unger, a kindergartener at Mathews Elementary. “Joe and I were going to trade Pokemon cards at recess, but that was totally ruined by mister ‘shave my head and walk by the school barefoot’ ruining our trading time,” scoffed Nick Burgenson a 5^th grader at Espy Elementary.

Students at Nixa High School had mixed feelings. Sarah Begonia said, “I was so glad that he was nearby. My gym class was planning to run the track this afternoon but fortunately we stayed inside and played a game. Unfortunately, it was dodge ball and Jimmy Heffer hit me in the face with the ball…I think he likes me,” she said while blushing.

Springfield Public School students were understandably jealous. “Aw man, nothing cool ever happens around here,” said Kelly Piolos, a Junior at Parkview High School, “why can’t a fugitive like Joshua Brown – who is wanted for murder – walk by our school so we don’t have to do anything for an afternoon?”

Roommates doomed from the beginning

Springfield, MO- Even though they have only been living together for just a few weeks, Larry Harshman and Kyle Founder’s relationship has reached a breaking point. The two MSU freshmen had high hopes for their living situations when coming into the fall semester. Bonding over such things as all-night Halo death matches, acting as each other’s wingman, and splitting pepperoni pizzas while watching Judd Apatow comedies topped the list. But after 14 days their living situation has turned into living nightmare.

“I hate that guy. Everything he does makes me want to shoot him and then myself, right in the teeth. He watches Leno instead of Letterman. He wears the color red way too much. He thinks Darth Vader can beat The Hulk in a fight. He covers his fries in ketchup instead of dipping them. The guy is literally insane,” complained Larry to his friend Ben Weaver at the Blair-Shannon dining hall.

Over the phone, Kyle confided his complaints to Sara – his long-distance girlfriend – about Larry. He says Larry brushes his teeth with a brand of toothpaste he never heard of before, thinks Jessica Alba is hotter than Jessica Biel, always has to eat right at 6:15, and somehow cheats at Madden ’11.

The situation got especially tense when Kyle noticed Larry using one of his forks.

“I was like what the hell man? And he was like what’s the big deal? And I was like that’s my eff-ing fork,” whined Kyle.

The situation didn’t get any easier when Kyle invited his hometown friends to the dorm for a visit. The friends, according to Larry, where total uber-dorks who laughed like retarded donkeys, debated over stupid crap like “Which is better: Hogwarts or Xavier’s School for Gifted Children”, and ate cheese whiz and crackers as if it were a gourmet delicacy.

Kyle and Larry both decided that it would be best to switch roommates at semester’s end.

“I am sure the kid in my bio class would be the perfect roommate…although he does breath through his nose too much and always wears ironic vintage T-shirts,” opined Larry.

Beer filled bathtubs will be on the decline as classes start

Springfield, MO- With college classes starting this week, many college students dread the fast pace rat race of academia. Many of the students, being out school since May, know they will have trouble getting back to the flow of lectures, labs, and extracurricular activities.

“I can’t believe we have to go back already,” states Brad Parson. “I am used to partying ever night. Now I can only party Wednesday through Saturday night. I guess I can party the other days, but I have to skip class…hmm, oh wait, I will just do that. All the time.”

Brad is not the only student who has to get used to the hectic, schedule-filled college lifestyle.

“I am used to staying up all night, and getting up at noon. Now I can only stay up from 2 and have to get up at 11 to make it to class. I am living an Orwellian nightmare,” states communications major Candi Williams.

Other sacrifices college students have to make during the school year are: showering more than twice a month, cutting down to 2 naps a day, and having to wear pants all day.

“I have no time for myself. I don’t know how I am going to make it the next 3 months to my month long Christmas break. Sure I have Labor Day and Thanksgiving, but that won’t be enough. I have class 9-2:30. I am practically working at a Soviet era gulag,” states business major Randle Majors.

Not everyone has a negative attitude about the school year. Mary Sheaperson, a psychology major states, “I am sure it will all be worth it. I mean in America once you get out of college you are all most guaranteed a job. Right?”

Teams of improvisers are lined up to entertain

Springfield, MO— This summer promises to be the most improvisationally-filled sidewalk summer in history as road signs indicate that teams of improv players will be taking to the sidewalks on Glenstone avenue soon.

“Ah, yeah I saw the signs for sidewalk improv and I was all like stoked for the hilarity on my walk to work. I can’t wait for the sidewalk improv to start,” said Thad Thumberland who works as a part-time mattress salesman who might someday become an actor.

Scores of sidewalk walkers are thrilled at the proposal. “I’m glad that the city has decided to hire professional performers to entertain us on our jaunts to work,” said Rachel Hatch. According to sources, teams of improv actors from various theatre groups will be providing players for the cause.

“We’ve contracted with the Improvadors and Skinny Improv to have their most brilliant talent on our city sidewalks to help our citizens enjoy life here in Springfield,” said one City spokesperson. “If we can help improve the people’s attitude by giving them something that entertains on the most basic of levels well we feel as if we are doing our job.”

The sidewalk improv is forecasted to occur over several weeks according to MoDOT signs. In fact, the improv players are preparing for a several months-long performance. Said one player, “Yeah it is a great opportunity but I’m not looking forward to getting suggestions from drivers on Glenstone going 45 miles per hour. I don’t think their head will be totally into the scene.”

Recent grads head down to the unemployment line

Springfield, MO- To save time, money and hope, all college and high school graduations will end with the graduates walking directly into the unemployment line. With the recession still looming over many industries, Missouri colleges and high schools thought it best to “cut out the middle man” and send the graduates directly to government assistance.

“Who are we kidding?” states a government employee. “These kids have no chance. My father got laid off last month and he worked there for 15 years. What is a philosophy major with a minor in modern tap going to do? Die. Die on the street, that’s what.”

After the graduates get their checks, they will be sent to a bread line for their meager rations, then a bon fire where they will use their diplomas as kilning for warmth. A resume workshop will also be available.

“Why wasn’t I born in the 90’s. That sweet spot before one recession and after another. Now here I am shacked up in my parent’s basement living on pizza rolls and playing ‘World of Warcraft’…which I have be doing since high school. And actually it’s not that bad,” states Ronne Hawkins, a recent graduate.

Not all students feel their future will be bleak. Students in the fields of nursing, insurance, gold digging, and literally digging for gold seem to be doing quite well.

“I just decided to go out west and strike it rich. I know my odds of finding gold are slim, but way better than finding a job. And I rather stay in this tree in the middle of the woods living off honey and badger meat than begging on the streets, or working at Waffle House,” states graduate David Walden as he burrows in for the night.

Many experts state jobs numbers will improve once we are invaded by China and becoming a “morlock-like” working caste.

Facebook status confirms break up

Springfield, MO – The Facebook relationship statuses of Evan Black and Emily Taylor confirmed today that the two high school sweethearts had broken up. The couple had been together for two years in high school and originally planned on getting married after college, but only managed to last as long as three semesters. Experts suspect this is partially because Black stayed in Springfield after high school, attending Missouri State University, while Taylor went to Mizzou in Columbia, MO.

“We were physically and emotionally becoming more and more distant,” said Emily Taylor, who initiated the breakup. “I felt like if we stayed together any longer I wasn’t going to get the full college experience.”

“I thought things were fine,” said Black. “Emily never told me about any of that before she broke up with me. And she had lots of chances to let me know, we Skyped all the time.” Black added, “What does she mean, ‘full college experience’?”

Previous to the breakup, the couple went to great lengths to prove their undying love for each other.

“I bought her a promise ring. She had me pose with her in at least half of her senior photos. I dedicated my senior quote in the yearbook to her. You aren’t supposed to break up when you do things like that,” said Black. “I even wrote her a song.”

“Yeah, he wrote me a song,” said Taylor, “it wasn’t good.”

The breakup seems to have been a big surprise to all of Black and Taylor’s friends and Facebook friends. Black’s friend, Brent Richardson, commented to Black’s newly single status, “What?!?? Dude, that sucks, txt me.” Nikki Nickels, on Taylor’s Wall, only managed to choke out “:(“.

Education temptress increases enrollment

Springfield, MO – In the school’s latest effort to drive undergraduate enrollment, Ozarks Technical College launched a new outdoor ad campaign that’s exposing Springfield to the desirability of higher education.

Featuring a female co-ed whose lady bumps are obscured only by the thin shield of her laptop, the billboards have been turning heads and dropping jaws all around town. Yesterday, traffic on south Glenstone was backed up for three hours when Kickapoo sophomore Chase Wernex swore he “saw a nip.”

“We are a technical college, and technically, she’s not naked,” says Quinn Talent of OTC’s Student Recruitment office. “But people will see what they want to see, and without exception, that means nudity.”

A classic go-to tactic among advertising professionals, implied nudity ranks just behind talking babies, talking animals, and crotch accidents for audience likeability. Advertising Executive Stew Danners defended his agency’s work by saying, “Today’s degree-seeking candidate is looking for more out of their college experience. Our ads merely demonstrate that OTC has the student body people want to see in a student body.”

The campaign precedes the launch of the college’s new tagline, “Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter,” which will debut at the grand opening of the new women’s dorm, conveniently located next to Kum & Go.

Jude Kimmers totally missed the school closing

Springfield, MO—Jude Kimmers, a sophomore at Hillcrest High School totally missed the “s” section of the school closing screen crawl on the local news this morning. According to his sister, Jamie, Kimmers had been watching the morning news in hopes that Springfield Public Schools would close due to icy road conditions.

“Jude was glued to the set, like, waiting forever to see if classes were cancelled. I told him to just get ready like I was, in case school wasn’t cancelled. He just sat in his room and stared at the screen when he should have been getting dressed,” said Jamie Kimmers.

Jude Kimmers apparently was distracted by his sister’s comments and was unable to confirm if SPS had indeed cancelled classes for the day. “She totally came in and I missed it! Do you know how slow that little thing goes on the news? It takes forever and if you miss your school then you have to wait for it to come back around again!” whined Jude.

Jamie said she had been looking at the school closing online, without her brother’s knowledge and purposefully went to his room to distract him. “I guess I did it just right as Skyline appeared, then he like looked at me, then back at the screen when Success and Summersville were going by…perfect timing!” laughed Jamie.

MSU president Cofer urges students to "keep an eye on the bowtie" for success

Springfield, MO— In his first State of the University address, the new president of Missouri State University didn’t just try to motivate, he stressed the importance of the bowtie. James Cofer outlined many challenges, most notably, the adoption of an oft-overlooked men’s accessory.

“The bowtie has served me well over the years, and I feel that if more people wore this sporting bit of nostalgia we shall all benefit economically, socially and politically. If properly executed, bowties will elevate higher education to a place where every Missouri State University graduate will know how to successfully turn a necktie into a 3-layered image of beauty and excellence,” pontificated Cofer.

MSU’s president acknowledged the many budget issues that plague the university during his address, however, he reinforced his position on the bowtie by requesting that all students adopt his look as a school uniform. The university is seriously considering funding for the neck gear and has confidence that a substantial discounted price can be achieved by purchasing tens of thousands of bowties in bulk.

Cofer quoted leadership expert Ronald A. Heifetz who said, “we should be calling for leadership that will challenge us to face problems for which there are no simple painless solutions—problems that require us to learn to take a piece of cloth, silk or polyester and fold it in new ways to be displayed proudly upon our necks.”

James Cofer aka “Dickie Bow” also hopes to achieve transparency within the university by posting how-to instructionals online as to the art of the self-tie. “We must push beyond the pre-tied bow and clip-on mentality of the past and move forward with a self-sustaining community engagement that embraces the ‘thistle’ and ‘bat wing’ attitude towards life in order to progress as a society,” said Cofer.

A Stockton student reads about life in a banned book

Republic, MO—Local students have learned that by reading books they can learn how to get drunk, and live promiscuous lifestyles. Usually these traits are picked up genetically or by observing the behaviors of their parents. Fortunately, two communities in the Ozarks are providing safe havens for students who don’t want to learn about drinking and making love via the pages of a novel.

As of Monday, Republic and Stockton, Missouri have implemented book bans to protect students from reading about intoxication and fornication. Said one parent/school board member Jacked Upe, “We need to protect our children’s innocence. If they read about unruly behavior in the classroom, they might think it okay to act on their findings. For example, after reading some Marcus Aurelius in college, I found it necessary to engage in a proper Roman bathhouse orgy. Yeah it was awesome but I contracted enough syphilis to kill a horse. Our kids don’t need that much syphilis.”

According to parents, students are being exposed to vile behavior by books that they would otherwise never be exposed to by other outside sources such as the internet, radio, television or routine daily conversation. Students have other opinions. “So what are the banned books again? Sweet, I’m going to go straight home and read all of them. If they’re banned, they must be awesome,” said Lucas Kowerly of Stockton, MO.

Several students in Republic have expressed frustration over the issue. Jamie Tollivah said, “This book ban is crap, my buddies and I have read the nastiest books and magazines around and I can’t seem to get laid by anyone, much less find anyone to buy me booze.” The proponents of the book bans are asking that all questionable manuscripts be surrendered by 7pm this coming Friday. The time was designated as such due to local traditions that encourage meth production on the weekends. “We really can’t afford for this book thing to interfere with our main source of income,” said Upe.