All Entries Tagged With: "Fair city news"
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Man Celebrates Keeping Year Long Resolution
Springfield, MO – Local dude Charlie Twittens celebrated completion of his year-long resolution today to avoid eating goldfish. The resolution was the first that Twittens has ever been able to keep for a full 365 days. “I’ve tried to quit smoking, cursing and eating bad foods, but I always came up short. This past year […]
City Utilities Provides First White Dusting of the Season
Springfield, MO – Thanks to a malfunction at City Utilities’ John Twitty Energy Center, a few lucky Ozarkians enjoyed an early dusting of white fluffy stuff to play in. The fly-ash distributed over the area gave kids and adults alike the chance for to break out the winter gear. “It was great,” said Noah Fingertoe, […]
Absolutely No One Plans Government Reopening Celebration
Springfield, MO – A recent poll suggests that absolutely no person alive is planning to celebrate the reopening of the US government once legislative dickbags come to their senses. Most people polled suggested that they felt ass-slapped by their elected leaders who are blockading progress to “stand up for constituents”. Henry Biggins said, “Whoever is […]
Nation’s First Open Jug Law Enacted in Christian County
Ozark, MO – Caving to pressure from local lobbyist efforts, Christian County has agreed to allow open jugs without penalty starting June 3rd. Influential groups of Ozarkers have been calling for the leniency for years suggesting that native people were being denied their ancestral right to carry around a moonshine jug without fear of […]
Springfield Public Schools Buys Fleet of “Imperial Walkers” To Combat Snow Days
Springfield, MO- Due to a stubborn winter that refuses to relent, Springfield Public Schools bought a fleet of “Imperial Walkers” (also known as AT-AT’s) to make sure snow days are no longer an issue. “We will no longer be a slave to old man winter,” said Superintendent Norm Vader while wearing a black cloak that […]
Mother Nature to Missouri: Is That Enough Water For You, You Babies?
Springfield, MO- With rain seemingly falling constantly for a period of days, many Ozarkians are wondering why this rain could not come earlier to relieve the drought ridden summer. In yesterday’s press conference Mother Nature was very direct in her answer. “You whiners complained about no rain all summer. Well, you want some water? Here […]
Prom King Refuses To Give Up Crown
Springfield, MO- Hilldale High School is on the verge of political unrest and social upheaval with Rex Kingston, last year’s prom king, refusing to give up the crown to one of the 4 court candidates. With the King of Prom succession being a yearly rite, the act of refusing to yield the crown means trouble […]
Apple Tent Opens at Target
Springfield, MO – Reports of an Apple Store coming to the Ozarks are being held under tarp and rope in the Target parking lot at Primrose & Glenstone. Local shoppers are excitedly anticipating the tent flaps to fly open and Macbook Airs to fly out at discounted prices. Jerry Donwhat said, “Man, I just know […]
Mighty Blue Beacon Lost in Night’s Sky
Springfield, MO – Local ambulances, patients and hospital visitors to St. John’s have had extreme difficulty locating the healthcare institution since the giant illuminated cross has been extinguished atop the structure. The cross served as a beacon of sorts, leading the infirm to a place of healing and hope. “I wandered the black night searching […]
Glen Beck Opens Branson Theatre
Branson, MO—The American conservative radio and television host, author, entrepreneur, and political commentator Glen Beck recently announced that he is opening a theatre in Branson where he will host daily shows for live audiences. The news follows Beck’s comes just one month after he left the Fox News Channel on June 30th, 2011. Beck’s company, […]
Ft. Wood Attacked by Mighty Black Tornado
Springfield, MO—Fort Leonard Wood was recently attacked by a mighty black tornado, ripping through soldier’s ranks like a tear in a lost lottery ticket. The force of nature completely dominated the most powerful military force on Earth with little regard for repercussions. Former President Bush said, “These tornadoes are devastating, when cold and warm air […]
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September Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. Working of herbal remedies – Musli Kaunch cialis side effects Shakti capsules with plain water or milk for the best results. It’s important to explore all possible solutions with your medical team to be sure that you are […]
Cup Thesis In Bridge’s Wire Fence
Springfield, MO – A local Missouri State University graduate student has been trying to complete his Master’s thesis for years now, and the end is not in sight. Dean Crayley has been a student at MSU for 20 years, 16 of which have been spent in pursuit of his graduate thesis. “I have the whole […]
