Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

New sponsors vie for Sucker Day naming rights

Nixa, MO—The Nixa Sucker Days committee is proud to announce it has a new title sponsor this year, Cox Health.  The event, now known as Cox Sucker Days, will be held in Nixa as scheduled this year, with a few changes.  Ted Crass, chairman of the event said, “We’re proud to welcome Cox Health as our sponsor, and we know Cox Sucker Days will be our most successful ever.”

The coming events at Cox Sucker Days this year will include a special appearance by Pee Wee Herman and the Popsicle Twins, as seen on The Gong Show, performing the acts that made them famous.  A booth will be set up by Backpage.com to point interested parties to suckers all over Southwest Missouri.  Volunteers will be providing heart-healthy tips for enjoying suckers.

Mike Danwyik stated, “We like to be involved in our community, and Cox Sucker Days is no exception.  We are proud to be associated with such a heart healthy event.  Come one, come all to Cox Sucker Days!”

Attendance at this past weekend’s event was so high sponsors immediately began lining up to participate in next year’s event. Potential sponsors included national brands such as Dick’s Sporting Goods, Hummer Trucks, and DSL, all vied for the top billing before Cox Sucker Days was officially announced.

Like green on a pickle, area weathermen and women were beside themselves with joy as they tracked potential deadly weather racing across the Ozarks.

As ominous clouds gathered, KY3 reporters Ron Hearst, Dave Snider and Brandon Beck jumped into the air and proclaimed, “meteorologist powers–activate…form of…StormTeam!” then landed on the ground dressed in matching caped-weather-crusader spandex outfits. After adjusting their tights, they raced off to the hidden StormTracker3 Dopplar-Radar cave to prepare for the long night ahead.

Beams of light poured out of KSPR’s Kevin Lighty and Natalie Nunn eyes as they held hands while peering into the crystal-weather-ball and called upon Weather Vision to foresee small spin-ups, potential for high winds in your county and gulf moisture in the jet stream.

Flanked with beakers, Petri dishes and Bunsen burners, KOLR/KSFX anchors Ted Keller and Jill Gilardi exchanged spirited banter while discussing possible weather formulas that would produce nickel-sized hail, wind rotations, straight-line winds and power surges within the confines of their Weather Lab. As they gushed over wind speed, Tom Trtan rode high in his weather balloon—Calming Influence—and an observer claimed to hear him say, “C’mon, you call this a storm? Blow you S-O-B, blow! It’s time for a showdown! You and me! I’m right here! Come and get me! Ha, ha! Ha, ha!”

Springfield resident Karen Briefly said, “These reporters love their weather. Every time a leaf falls from a tree I’m warned about possible strong winds in the area. I usually appreciate the reports, but this was a little over the top.”

At last report some loose insulation was reported along the side of a highway and several attempts were made to review warnings that haven’t yet, but may soon be issued.

Rumors linger that tv reporters construct their reports based on KTTS weather updates, who formulate their radio reports on a combination of the farmer’s almanac, an ancient vein of weather witchery and liquid fear.

In a related note, Saturday April 17th is the 1st annual Weatherman Challenge where TV weather reporters compete in events such as, eating a large hailstone, conducting lightning from their fingertips and changing the flow of river with their mind.