People line up to participate in 'Brown Friday'

Springfield, Mo – One day after gorging themselves with Thanksgiving fixin’s, many Ozarkers will take part in a pre-dawn ritual which will see them gathering in front of entrance doors with an excited urgency amid frenzied crowds.  Anxiously, as if their lives depended on it, they will push and shove their way to the front of the pack while being careful not to get trampled.  Once inside their destination, they must quickly take advantage of their situation as they release the pent up energy that’s been building inside.  No, it’s not pre-holiday shopping deals that they will take advantage of, but an emergency trip to the bathroom to evacuate their bowels on what’s being dubbed “Brown Friday”.

“One can only stretch their stomach and the laws of physics so far until something has to give,” says MSU Department of Biomedical Sciences professor, Gottog Opoo.  “What goes up, must come down. What goes in …well you get the rest.  Stuffing oneself on triple helpings of Aunt Jeanie’s marshmellow yams and cheese casserole can only lead to one inevitable conclusion.”

Local plumbers will be on-call for any emergency toilet issues that may arise.

“Toilets are only designed to handle so much,” said a DeLong Plumbing representative.  “To be sure that your family is protected, check your toilet manufacturer’s operating limits guidelines.  Past ‘Brown Friday’s’ have seen a 10 fold increase in toilet usage.  Let’s just say that our local sewer system will be nearing its maximum capacity.”

Despite the health risks associated with over-eating and the stress on our aging sewer systems, this popular tradition is likely to endure for generations to come.  It does seem certain that after Thanksgiving, come the crack of dawn, Ozarkers will continue to dawn their cracks.”

Skeptic prays for good attendance

Springfield, MO – Leaders for the atheist group sponsoring the 4^th annual Skepticon convention this weekend at the Gillioz are praying to God that they’ll have another good turnout. “Sweet Jesus, please make our event a success,” claimed one leader, hands clasped and kneeling before a makeshift temple of crucifixes and lit candles.

For non-believers, the message is about finding others who are skeptical about the message of religion. “If, by God, we can find enough people to help us raise awareness, then the entire event will be a success,” said Norm MucChuckles, an event volunteer.

Skepticon followers have been sending out individualized prayers to leaders of monotheistic faiths including God, Jesus and Mohammad and are even reaching out to other soul savers such as Buddha, Zeus, Jupiter and the Egyptian sun god Ra. “Attendance numbers are tied to each prayer and the final number of attendees will point toward the dominant deity, if one truly does exist or decide to make themselves known we will find out this weekend. Jesus is tied to 1,054; Zeus has 1,201; Ra is coming in at 987. We also have a number, 56, tied to nothing; that is, one group is only praying to a homeless man who spilt diet Coke on me,” said MucChuckles.

The group has secured billboards on I-44 to promote their beliefs and hopes that others will join them in their journey to find answers. MucChuckles said, “We’re also selling raffle tickets to those willing to put some money where their beliefs are. $5 gets you one square on our attendance sheet. If your god shows up you could walk away with a handsome sum of money!”

Jobs invented this awesome iPhone case

Springfield, MO – With the passing of Steve Jobs, the visionary and co-founder of Apple, people from around the Ozarks are remembering his legacy and reflecting on the profound effect he had on their lives.

“He made them iThingy’s right?” waxed Norma Grace Dean of Ava, MO, “I seen them once on the television, too bad about that his passing, he would have made a good business man.” Others shared similar sentiments. “Steve Jobs changed my life by inventing the internet and Facebook. Oh wait and YouTube. He did that too,” said Neil Younger, a freshman at Hillcrest High School.

Several Ozarks residents were stunned with disbelief upon hearing the news. “Steve Jobs created one of my fondest memories…my neck tattoo of a naked lady with the head of a bison,” sobbed Mule Henderson of Sparta, MO, “that is the same Steve we’re talking about right? The tattoo artist down on the square that works in the alley?”

Jobs’ impact was felt across all economic landscapes. “Used to be, I could steal a radio and get 10 maybe 15 dollars for it. After Apple started making pocket computers, I could swipe an iPhone, iPad, iWhatever and haul in a nice payday on the black market. Thank you Mr. Jobs,” said meth addict and convicted thief Jonas DerFukensteinhandle of Boliver, MO.

Steve Jobs impacted the lives of Ozarkers by offering them access to revolutionary devices that were often used for unconventional purposes. “Like the twisty face thing in Photo Booth, man that thing is hilarious! Lemme show you this picture of me and my bird Scuttles that I sent to my friends around the world in a matter of seconds,” said Andrew Biwell as he reached into his pocket, fumbled his iPhone and dropped it to the ground shattering into a thousand pieces then spouted, “Aw piece of crap Apple!”

Giant water tower moments before it became animated

Springfield, MO – The giant water tower on North Glenstone began moving late yesterday morning; the giant legs began to shift and the structure stumbled down the street crushing property in its path. Witnesses said the tower began to moan and wail before making an abrupt exit from its long-time position on the East side of the street.

The path of destruction caused by the animated water tower is estimated to be in the millions of dollars. Local businesses, homes, automobiles and powerlines were destroyed as it ambled its way toward an unknown destination. The giant destroyer finally made it to Springfield Lake, attempting to attack the power plant when it sank into the waters presumably for good.

“Technically, the tower is gone. We’re not sure where it went or how,” said one City Utilities spokesperson. Plenty of locals have opinions on what happened. “I saw the darn ol’ thang pick up and leave. Pretty sure an alien force breathed life into it and gave it instructions to crush any foreign made car in its path. I seen it smash a Toyota with a single step – kaplow! ” said Howie Masterson a long time resident of Roundtree Neighborhood.

Residents attempted to stop the giant metal beast by creating trip wires, directing it into the nearby quarry, and shooting it with deer rifles. According to reports the stumbling devastation causing water tower simply wouldn’t be taken down easily. City Utilities is planning to field a task force to investigate the matter.

"You'll poke your eye out" says School

Republic Mo.-  Effective immediately if students in the Republic school system want to jot something down on a piece of paper, they will have to transfer to a school outside the area to do it.  School officials have banned the use of pencils,pens and felt tip markers.  Spokesman Nick Nosebottom, said in a press conference that they had been considering the ban for quite some time.  “The writing was on the wall.  Now comes the time to erase it.”

Nosebottom stated that due to health and safety issues the ban has been overdue.  “It dawned on us that a pencil, once sharped, can be used as a deadly weapon.  That can be used to put someones eye out.  Also the possibility of getting lead poison is a great concern.  We started taking action last week by removing all the pencil sharpeners in each classroom.”

Ink pens, like weapons and cigarettes, are also not permitted on Republic school property.  “Ink pens can also be used like a pencil knife weapon.  Another thing we didn’t want going on is the grade school kids using the ink to give each other tattoos during recess.”, said Nosebottom.

Finally the last thing to be banned for the moment will be felt tip markers.  “There isn’t a kid alive today that hasn’t taken the cap off those things and tried to snort the tip.  Our studies have shown that is where all drug habits begin.  It starts with a little smell then the next thing you know is some kid is hiding behind the bleachers hacking paint,” the spokesman reported.

Critics of the ban say it sends the wrong message to students.  “Not at all,” said Nosebottom, “If there is a so called message being sent, the message is of the future.  Let’s face the facts.  In this day of computers, texting with smart cell phones, iPads and droids, using pens and pencils seems so 20th century.  Honestly, who is going to be using those things anyway?  Also, for the record we are thinking about banning paper.  Ever get a paper cut?  Those are the worse.”

Explosive savings at Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO- With the Hy-Vee grocery store opening across the street, Dillons Super Store is nervous about the competition and being blown out of existence by a giant rooftop mounted artillery cannon. Hy-Vee is an upscale grocery store lauded for their customer service and unique specialty foods. Also they have a cannon on their roof.

VHS tapes are worth their weight in oxygen

Springfield, MO – The American Film Institute has commissioned the flea markets of Springfield, Missouri, to become the official historical preservation sites of the nation’s remaining supply of unwanted VHS movies. AFI officials awarded the prestigious honor only after an extensive evaluation of many cities. The results showed that Springfield’s local flea markets have an unmatched dedication to this antiquated technology.

For years, VHS has lined booths in these facilities with an eclectic assortment of Hollywood’s most forgettable. “Every booth is like stepping into a time-capsule of forgotten media technology,” said an AFI official. “Where else could copies of Batman & Robin, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, and every Jean Claude Van Damme movie ever made be found side-by-side?”

Although a bit dusty, these VHS movies have rarely been disturbed from their natural resting states. One flea-market purveyor recalls a customer last interacting with a tape back in 2007. “I remember it like it was yesterday,” said an employee of Urban Market on E. Trafficway. “We were very nervous when this man grabbed a copy of Total Recall off the shelf. We weren’t sure what would happen. But after quickly looking over the cover, he just put it back in its place. I’ll bet his fingerprints are still there to this day!” “One thing is for certain,” said the AFI official. “Springfield’s flea-market patrons will forever be treated to an awe-inspiring display of lack luster titles from this time-worn technology.”

Giant mutated Koi captured in an oil painting

Springfield, MO- What is a usually a calm experience, the Japanese strolling gardens erupted in slow paced chaos when the Koi fish pond was contaminated with toxic chemicals. After the contamination one fish (later named Koizilla) mutated into a medium sized fish monster. Because the creature was not used to walking on land, and had the brain the size of a marble its terror was received rather slowly.

“Koizilla,” screams a park patron, while pointing at the menace. The patron then screamed and pointed 57 more times before the creature got to him, gumming him to death.

“It was awful”, stated Jeff Carr. “My family and I were eating peacefully and we saw it come straight for us. I barely had to time to pass out the food, have a nice conversation, have a second helping, then desert, then pack up before he go to us. I shudder to think what would happen if we had the watermelon seed spitting fight for just 10 minutes longer. We would have been as good as gummed.”

Even though the creature hardly killed anyone, there were plenty of other close calls. One group of elderly power-walkers barely escaped; a man who really wanted to beat one more level on “Angry Birds” killed the last pig before the creature was upon him; and finally two teenage sweethearts almost died, but luckily could run away while still making out.

“We are so lucky,” stated Amy Patterson. “I kept saying ‘What was that? I thought I heard something’ and he kept saying ‘It’s nothing baby, just relax.’ But, after the 84^th time he heard it too.”

Finally the military was called in to subdue the beast.

“It was pretty easy. I mean it was literally just shooting a fish in a barrel. That thing went down hard. I mean it had fish skin. I could slap its face while walking backwards,” states General Baggort. The creature was mounted on a plaque in the general’s study.

Joel MacDouglas grows his mullet for the Bash

Springfield, MO—Several Ozarkers have apparently agreed to be beaten with the ugly stick Friday night to attend the Springfield Little Theatre’s Backwoods Bash at the Ugly Mug to raise funds for the organization. The event can be viewed here.

The attendees are preparing for the fundraiser by taking several facial impacts from the ugly stick, clothing themselves with hideous denim cutoffs and flannel, and speaking with a southern accent.

Said one person, Joel MacDouglas, “I’ve been growing out my mullet from the 80’s especially for the bash. I’ve had a lot of strange looks at my accounting office, and my girlfriend left me, but it is worth it to raise a little cash for the Springfield Little Theatre.”

Tickets to the event are $10 in advance and $12 at the door. Some people are saving money to purchase tickets in unusual ways. Sandy Minnor said, “I decided to avoid spending money on those fake bubba teeth and use the money to donate/pay for a ticket. To look the part, I’m going to pull a few of my own teeth before I arrive and put them in a cup of milk, I’m sure my dentist can put them back in later.”

According to reports, a proper Southern rock band such as the original Lynyrd Skynyrd or Creedence Clearwater Revival could not be booked so the event planners  have settled for live music by Boone’s Farm.

If you’d like to dress like a redneck, win a costume contest and say things like “Ah bleeve we dun cyst wiff attair fuhn rayzer, muchablige fer de kumpney” call the SLT box office at 869-1334.