This guy will make you like anything he does

Springfield, MO – Several diners around town identified the Men’s Wearhouse Guy having dinner around town this week, trying to impress people with his various ways of saying “You’re gonna like the way I…” to many people.

“I was eating dinner at Metro and this grey-bearded man walked up to me and said ‘You’re gonna like the way I flambé.’ I wasn’t even sure who the heck he was until he left and I was all ‘that was the Suit Guy!’” said Nicole Missionvern of Ozark.  Another Metropolitan Grill diner confirmed, “he came right over and said, ‘You’re gonna like the way I sauté’ and I was all, ‘I’m pretty content with my meal’. Who does that guy think he is?”

The overconfidence even carried over to after-dinner activities. Louis Freidborge claimed a bearded man in a nice suit driving a convertible car exclaimed to him, “You’re gonna like the way I make a left-handed turn onto Lone Pine”. Said Freidborge, “It was pretty impressive the way he executed the maneuver.”

Most who interacted with the Men’s Wearhouse Guy said they at first thought that he was the Most Interesting Man Alive until he opened his mouth. “I asked him if when he drank beer he drank Dos Equis, to which he replied, ‘You’re gonna like the way I drink beer’, then I knew it was the Suit Guy.

The Suit Guy has also made such claims as, “You’re gonna like the way I sleep,” “You’re gonna like the way I mow the lawn,” and “You’re gonna like the way I execute internet queries.”

Ella Richardson can’t believe her recess is not going to happen

Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision.

“I was s’pose to swing with Ella during my recess, but instead I had to stay inside and play math games cause of the bad man,” said Timothy Unger, a kindergartener at Mathews Elementary. “Joe and I were going to trade Pokemon cards at recess, but that was totally ruined by mister ‘shave my head and walk by the school barefoot’ ruining our trading time,” scoffed Nick Burgenson a 5^th grader at Espy Elementary.

Students at Nixa High School had mixed feelings. Sarah Begonia said, “I was so glad that he was nearby. My gym class was planning to run the track this afternoon but fortunately we stayed inside and played a game. Unfortunately, it was dodge ball and Jimmy Heffer hit me in the face with the ball…I think he likes me,” she said while blushing.

Springfield Public School students were understandably jealous. “Aw man, nothing cool ever happens around here,” said Kelly Piolos, a Junior at Parkview High School, “why can’t a fugitive like Joshua Brown – who is wanted for murder – walk by our school so we don’t have to do anything for an afternoon?”

Archie all gritty with a smoke

Springfield, MO- Some lucky Springfield High School students may be able to get their 10 minutes of fame thanks to Paramount Studio’s Archie reboot which is being filmed in the Ozarks. The shooting of the movie, which will take place in late May, will bring big stars to the area such as James Garfield, Diana Agron, Josh Hutcherson, Emma Stone, and Terry O’Quinn. But the stars can do it all so extras will be needed and Paramount is looking for local talent to fill in the gaps.

Taking the familiar Archie comics and twisting them into a gritty, more realistic tone is the brain child of David Fincher. “Every comic is getting a gritty reboot,” said Fincher. “And I thought, ‘Why not Archie?’ All the elements are their: wealth, love triangles, addiction, teenage angst, milkshake sharing. It will be perfect.”

When asked why film in Missouri, Fincher said, “It was simply because Riverdale needs a small town feel, which Springfield has the perfect feel for the movie. Also we need a huge black tower, a dancing fountain, a Chili’s, a giant walking robot statue, and a surrounding meth problem. Yeah, I am changing Jughead’s hamburger addiction to meth. We are really Winter Boning it up. Winter Boning it hard. In fact I thought Winter‘s Bone was a gritty reboot of Nancy Drew.”

The actors seem to be fitting in fine; adapting to the slow pace of Missouri from the hustle bustle of LA. “Yeah Jennifer Lawrence (Josh’s co-star in The Hunger Games) warned me about Missouri. She told me all about the hell hounds, spook lights, and the Indians trying to kill precocious youths in caves. I am getting used to it. We will all fit in eventually,” said Josh Hutcherson as his red polio shirt slowly morphed into over-alls.

The students and staff are looking forward to a piece of Hollywood entering their school. “We can’t wait for the filming,” stated Principal Crabton. “And I was a big fan of the comics growing up. Sure, I have my reservations about the gritty reboot such as Moose starting a fight club, Dilton starting a social network, and someone’s head ending up in a box. But, I trust Fincher’s artistic vision and his creepiness.”

There is a call for extras who either look like teenagers or methed-out adults.

Rockin' movies at Table Rock

Branson, MO – The Army Corp. of Engineers announced that it will show movies against the face of Table Rock Mountain for the pleasure of boaters, fishermen, and general water enthusiasts this summer. The TRL Summer Movie Series opens next weekend and will feature The Rock starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

“We have a projector boat, basically it is a photo cannon that floats on the water. It is one of the largest projector boats known to exist. Basically it’s the only one that I know of,” said Lance Metaford of Water Projections Inc. With the increase in local vacations, or staycations, more people are foregoing plane trips out of state and are keeping their vacation dollars nearer to home.

The Army Corp. of Engineers decided that a “movie night” would be a great way to thank and entertain visitors to Table Rock Lake, while hopefully attracting more tourists to the area. “Who doesn’t love a good flick, or hanging out on the water? Putting the two together is a great idea,” said Melinda Kissinger a long-time visitor to State Park Marina.

Second-run films will be the mainstay of the programming, however, most will feature ties to the area including The Rock, Lake Placid, and a special screening of Winter’s Bone.

Man catches bat before it turns into vampire

Springfield, MO- With the success of such blue collar shows such as “Ice Road Truckers”, “Swamp People”, and “Ax Men” The History Channel will begin filming a show featuring bat hunters in the Ozarks. “Bat Men” will bring the fun, danger, and excitement of bat hunting to the average person’s living room. It will boast color characters and a host of interesting settings such as caves, caves, and more caves.
“People don’t understand that bats are a menace to society and need to be destroyed. They turn into vampires, they look creepy, eat harmless mosquitoes, and get stuck in little girl’s hair. People know this and pay us to kill the little, hairy jerks. Mostly little girls. We get a lot of lemonade stand money,” said James “Slayer” Slayton.
With over 6000 caves in Missouri, it is the perfect location for bat hunting and Ozarkians are artist at the craft. Dating back to the founding of the state bat hunting has been a lucrative career. Some bat killing families can be traced back to the original bat hunter Hector “Bat**** Crazy” Willis.
“We are very excited about this show,” said an unnamed History Channel executive. “We love crazy red necks killing, driving over, or cutting stuff. And these guys are crazy. They kill bats with pitch forks, dynamite, and super soakers filled with garlic water. Who even has super soakers anymore? I mean, come on.”
The colorful characters feature will be: a father and son team being torn apart because they are both vying for the same woman‘s affection, a crazy old man who hunted bats under the FDR administration, two sisters who hunt for meth money, and a 11 year old bat killing prodigy who kills bat at a 12th grade level.

Robber escapes with wild jump over bank

Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe for KFC extra crispy chicken, as well as countless other prizes.
“I can’t believe it,” tells one witness. “One moment he runs in and the next he takes off in a solid orange car with a rebel flag on it. And for some reason there was a ramp right there, and when he was mid air some creepy southern voice told us, ‘Now that’s what I call a quick get away’”.
“We lost everything,” states Duke Hazard, president of the bank. “The ruby studded spittons, a fur coat made up of raccoon pelts, and a golden fiddle won from Satan himself.”
The bank assured its patrons that the best blood hounds are on the case.
“Nothing will stop those guys once they have the scent,” reports Officer Rawls. “Unless of course one dies from mountain lion attack and the other one dies of grief. But, that hardly ever happens.”

A hideous Terror-weevil sees all

Springfield, MO- With warmer weather and brighter skies Ozarkians are looking forward to baseball, picnics, and the awakening of the spotted Terror-weevil. The Terror-weevil can only be seen in the months of March and April where it emerges from deep underground caverns. This emergence (called the Terror Bloom by 1800’s Hill folk) is a rare and spectacular sight for all to behold.

“The Terror-weevil is a wondrous sight to behold. It is 1-foot long and has 26 eyes, poisonous fangs, a 3-foot wing span, gives of a foul oder when in danger or in heat, and has mandibles able to snap a badger in two,” said Norm Scivvers, a local outdoorsman, “With dark coloring and body spots it has the perfect camouflage to hide under cars, in baby cribs, and dark corners of everyone’s houses. I can wait for its prey: everything.”

Once free from its 100-year slumber the Terror-weevil finds a home in numerous places among the Ozarks. Mostly looking for a warm dark habitat they prefer to nest under children’s beds, children’s closets, and children’s nightmares. In more rare circumstances the weevil can be seen in bathrooms, but only when a person notices nothing in the medicine cabinet mirror, opens it, then shuts it, when the person suddenly sees the TERROR-WEEVIL IN THE REFLECTION!

Now that the weevil has returned many people are looking forward to the annual Terror-weevil Festival. The festival has many activities such as whack-a-weevil, weevil painting, and an awful weevil petting zoo. “AHHH, NO! GOD NO!” said Amy Whitner, a 6-year old girl going through the petting zoo.

The Terror-weevil will only be able to be enjoyed for the next two months. On the last full moon of the season the weevil will give a blood curdling scream, twist its entire body around, and die. “The Terror Scream is a great site to witness“, says Jerry Spotwell, a Terror-weevil enthusiast. “No, wait not great…horrifying. It is totally horrifying.”