Man sets record and raises awareness by driving MLK bridge for 8 hours

Springfield, MO – Local man Norm Hugefston decided to celebrate Martin Luther King Day by driving continuously over the Martin Luther King bridge for 8 hours. His trek was sponsored by several friends and neighbors and he raised at least $380.00 to contribute to the local chapter of the NCAAP.

“I was wanting to do something to help raise awareness, and I decided that driving over the MLK bridge was the solution. It doesn’t have a lot of traffic so I was able to drive it several hundred times,” said Hugefston. According to his support team, Hugefston took one ten minute break each hour to reduce the spinning effects of circling the route.

“After hour two, he was really dizzy. I was just hoping that more traffic would come so he’d be forced to drive slower and have more recovery time. But, most people were off work today making the bridge an easy driving thoroughfare,” said his coach Ralph Firnum. Unbeknownst to Hugefston, his team was secretly working with the Guinness World Records to validate his feat.

The current record for traversing a MLK bridge in any city on MLK day is listed as exactly twice by hundreds of thousands of people as they made their daily commute. “Apparently nobody has ever considered driving a MLK bridge for 8 hours. If the results we receive are accurate Norm will have himself a record,” stated an official from the Guinness World Records.

“I just want to do something to raise awareness,” said Hugefston, “and I’m a pretty good bridge driver.”

People line up to participate in 'Brown Friday'

Springfield, Mo – One day after gorging themselves with Thanksgiving fixin’s, many Ozarkers will take part in a pre-dawn ritual which will see them gathering in front of entrance doors with an excited urgency amid frenzied crowds.  Anxiously, as if their lives depended on it, they will push and shove their way to the front of the pack while being careful not to get trampled.  Once inside their destination, they must quickly take advantage of their situation as they release the pent up energy that’s been building inside.  No, it’s not pre-holiday shopping deals that they will take advantage of, but an emergency trip to the bathroom to evacuate their bowels on what’s being dubbed “Brown Friday”.

“One can only stretch their stomach and the laws of physics so far until something has to give,” says MSU Department of Biomedical Sciences professor, Gottog Opoo.  “What goes up, must come down. What goes in …well you get the rest.  Stuffing oneself on triple helpings of Aunt Jeanie’s marshmellow yams and cheese casserole can only lead to one inevitable conclusion.”

Local plumbers will be on-call for any emergency toilet issues that may arise.

“Toilets are only designed to handle so much,” said a DeLong Plumbing representative.  “To be sure that your family is protected, check your toilet manufacturer’s operating limits guidelines.  Past ‘Brown Friday’s’ have seen a 10 fold increase in toilet usage.  Let’s just say that our local sewer system will be nearing its maximum capacity.”

Despite the health risks associated with over-eating and the stress on our aging sewer systems, this popular tradition is likely to endure for generations to come.  It does seem certain that after Thanksgiving, come the crack of dawn, Ozarkers will continue to dawn their cracks.”

Ozark man celebrates Cinco de Mayonnaise by drinking too much mayo

Ozark, MO—Phillip Hershaw and Chad Netmeg celebrated Cinco de Mayonnaise on the fifth of May this year as a tribute to the heritage of French culinary arts, which unbeknownst to them, flies directly in the face of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration that commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

Hershaw and Netmeg invited several people over to their duplex on 4^th street to “have a killed Mayo party, y’know the kind you’d see on the Food Network” according to their invitees.

The two men’s friends didn’t have the heard to tell them the truth about the original meaning behind Cinco de Mayo. Neil Hollister said, “it was too funny, these idiots thought that it was a day to celebrate a stable emulsion of oil, egg yolk and either vinegar or lemon juice! So we just watched them eat mouthloads of mayo and encouraged them by screaming ‘Happy Cinco de Mayo’!”

Hershaw said, “Oh man, this mayo is sooo good, no wonder they named a day after it!” Hershaw was said to have enjoyed a big bag of Lays potato chips with an entire jar of mayonnaise used for dipping.

Said Netmeg between swallows of mayonnaise from a mason jar, “I can’t wait until we have a Mircale Whip day. Couldn’t that be done around Easter? I love Miracles!”

Inconsiderate Turkey Trot participants annoy man

Springfield, MO—Kent Louizer, a local breakfast connoisseur, is making plans to visit his favorite breakfast shop Thanksgiving morning based on the Turkey Trot road closures.

“The dang ol’ race isn’t going to keep me from getting my sausage and gravy,” stated Louizer.  According to Louizer, each year at Thanksgiving he has to make a special driving approach in order to arrive at Gailey’s Breakfast Café to enjoy his favorite breakfast.

“I can’t stand all of these people walking and running around the area. They are just getting in the way of me eating sausage and gravy. Health nuts. Move it along!” blurted Louizer.

Most Turkey Trot participants are unaware of the undue stress placed upon Mr. Louizer, however Turkey Trot planners have known about his plight for years. Reportedly, organizers have been petitioned by Louizer to move the route to the outskirts of town each of the past 10 years.

“The first 6 years really weren’t a problem for us or Kent, however, once Gailey’s opened, he has been a strong opponent of the downtown event. Hopefully, he’ll eat his last sausage and gravy breakfast soon and his arteries will finally clog. I swear he should be out there running the Trot, not trying to navigate around it,” said one person, Gia Widdit.

As of print time, Louizer had mapped out the perfect route to bypass the USA Track and Field (USATF)-certified course. “Gonna take me 2.3 minutes longer to get my sausage and gravy,” he murmured under his breath.

Local Nixa resident celebrates the passage of bottle rocket wars

Nixa, MO—Monday night, the Nixa Board of Alderman unanimously voted for an awesome bottle rocket war in their city. Venders are allowed to continue to sell the small sky rockets guided by the mouth of a bottle.

Usually considered a unique hazard, due to their ability to fly in many different directions other than vertically,  “bottle rockets provide an awesome way to celebrate the independence of our nation,” said new Nixa mayor Sam Clifton, “plus nothing is more awesome than a bottle rocket war!” he added.

While bottle rockets are illegal in several states they are cheap and easy to obtain. Police Chief James Bacon spoke at Monday’s meeting, saying last 4th of July weekend his department responded to more than 300 complaint calls of people setting fireworks off in the city. “If fireworks are legal, we won’t have to waste tax payer money on these stick-in-the-muds calling us all the time,” said a police representative.

Teenage kids and adult males are thrilled. “I can’t wait to teach my boy how to hold a bottle rocket in his hand, light it then toss it at the appropriate time, hurdling it towards one his friends’ head! This is awesome!,” said Matt Lowery, an overgrown kid living in Christian County.

The City of Nixa website posted a press release stating, ”we’re happy to have an awesome celebration of the Fourth of July in our city.  We will bottle rocket the hell out of any outsider who dares set foot in our town between 2:00 p.m. to 11 p.m. on the 4th of July and 2:00 p.m. to 12:30 a.m. on New Year’s Eve. – yeeehaw!”

South Avenue will be colored green, which will cover puke from St. Patrick's Day Pub Crawl Attendees

Springfield, MO—City officials announced they plan to dye South Avenue kelly green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day. Citing the lack of a central river bisecting the city, the government has decided to go with the next best option: a prominent downtown street.

Mayor Jim O’Neal said, “Given my last name has an ‘O’ and an ‘apostrophe’ my Irish heritage should be unquestioned. And understanding that Jordan Creek is mostly underground, I wish to start a new tradition in the first year of my administration to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by coloring a historic thoroughfare green.”

Crews will begin spraying green biodegradable paint onto South Avenue at 8 am utilizing Springfield Airport’s new fire truck the Osh Kosh Striker 3000 (EZ-6) replete with a converted fire hose to dispense the coloring agent instead of water.

The Irish homage will begin at Finnegan’s Wake south of the square and extend south to Grand Street. After the work is complete insiders say O’Neal plans to use the last remaining stimulus dollars afforded the city to buy rounds of Guinness for any citizen in attendance until “we’re all Talking Irish”.

The painted street will be used as a landmark for those taking part in the mindless alcohol-fuelled revelry that is the St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl this weekend. Drew Maldea is planning to honor St. Patrick by spending the day drinking all the Irish beer and whiskey he can afford to produce a horrific and truly Irish puking on the street, “I want to Erin-Go-Blaaaaah and spew forth green pukeage,” said Maldea, “it will most likely blend into the green hues of the street so, pogue mahone!”

A satisfied customer leaves Voodru after a night of dancing

Springfield, MO—The Ozarks newest nightclub, Voodru, opened this past weekend amid the Mardi Gras bar crawl. The club is located in the Woodruff building in downtown Springfield at St. Louis Street and Jefferson Avenue.

The Woodruff Building, originally opened February 1, 1911, has seen several businesses come and go including local lawyer offices and the Missouri Court of Appeals. However, nobody expected the opening of a club on the property including current owner Warren Davis properties.

“We recently rented the upper floor to a group and immediately notices shrines to Bondyè, and other Lwa deities that contained perfumes, foods, and other things, but didn’t really think twice about it. Once, on the elevator, we found a rooster with its neck slit amid a mess of candles, I guess that would have been a sign that something was amiss,” said a property representative.

According to sources, The Voodru club joined the Mardi Gras pub crawl last week, several months after the entry deadline. The pub crawl organizer, Harold Shiffer, was approached by a man who had severe physical decomposition such as rotting flesh, discolored eyes, open wounds, and moved with a slow, shambling gait.

“Yeah, so this zombie lookin fella asked to put their club into the crawl and well, I tried to explain that the deadline had passed and posters were already printed etc, but he continued to grunt and moan until I agreed to drop off bracelets to Voodru,” said Shiffer.

The first 100 Voodru Club goers were presented with collectable “Voodru dolls” as an opening night gift. Those who attended the club enjoyed dancing to a series of Catholic prayers and songs in French; most made it out alive.

Warren Davis representatives confirmed that they did not stipulate charges for a “purification ceremony” in the lease agreement but are looking for a way to sneak it back into the language of the contract.

Rotisserie g-hog tastes like dark or white meat, depending on shadow recognition

Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers will celebrate Groundhog Day by feasting upon the weather-predicting varmint. Chewy yet nutritious, the humble groundhog has been feeding families in the area for decades.

“Used to be we have to go out hunting for the animal, now-a-days we can find them along a side of the road or hiding under the mobile home,” said Erv Livingston. Notable among sociologists, the groundhog has long been associated with the ability to understand Earthly wind patterns to determine the length of winter while still remaining a sustaining appetizer.

“If I had a nickel for every time one of these G-hogs hit my pit I’d be a richer man than I am now…I’d be more nickelful,” quipped Rodney Trimble a local BBQ groundhog connoisseur.

Trimble said, “all you gots to do is take a gun, .22 preferred, and aim it at the head, squeeze off a round, then skin and gut. The carcass can then be cleaned with a water hose. After quartering the critter, toss it into a trash bag of your favorite seasonings and marinade in the icebox for 3-4 days. When ready remove and grill to medium well and serve paired with Olympia canned beer.”

Livingston said the taste of G-hog depends upon the actions taken immediately before the animal is harvested. “If the groundhog sees his shadow before I hit ‘em in the head with a slingshot it tastes like dark meat, if he don’t see it then he tastes like white meat. Y’know chicken. The bacon on the G-hog tastes like bacon. It is just in smaller strips.”

Local drunk was guided home by divine intervention

Springfield, MO—Local business man George Humphrey claims the Holy Spirit guided him home after an hours long drinking binge this past Christmas. “It was a miracle that I made it the 30 miles home, I was slamming beers, ripping shots and poppin’ pills like Amy Winehouse. Fortunately, sweet Jesus took the wheel when I headed home blind from my intoxication.”

“Humpy” as his friends call him, was confirmed, “stupid jacked-up beyond the darkest shade of Guinness”. Fellow Christmas night partier James “car bomb” O’Malley witnessed Humphrey’s miraculous ride home saying, “once Humpy got into his Blazer a strange glow encompassed his car, like heaven was peering upon it. I had to look away it was so bright; when I raised my head he was gone. I can only assume that divine intervention has control of the vehicle at that point.”

The band of hooligans started drinking to shake away the sour feelings of loneliness caused by their obsessive habit of uncontrollable drinking. “I was going down the highway and about to swerve when I let go of the wheel, hit a armadillo and the impact corrected my trajectory putting me back on track,” said Humphrey.

Witnesses confirmed seeing a 4-mile span of red lights open up like the Red Sea when Humphrey’s vehicle approached. “It was the strangest thing, one minute the light was green, then red, then right back to green,” said a nearby construction worker.

Humphrey was thought to praise his blessed ride home that night by wrapping his face onto a pube-covered toilet at his home.

Local Man Causes A Spectacular Nightmare for Neighbors

Springfield, MO—The Christmas spirit has once again affected neighborhood congestion and increased neighbor frustration as Jimmy Kilroy plasters his home and lawn with thousands of holiday lights. Every Christmas, Kilroy spends months decorating his exterior with festive animatronics, hanging hundreds of twinkling light strands and choreographing them to holiday music.

Locals flock to Kilroy’s street to see the extravagant indulgence disguised as the “Christmas Spirit” while overwhelming his local electric power sub station. “I can’t stand the holidays anymore living next to him. It took my 45 minutes to get into my driveway last night.  Can’t these people just go away? This is my home, my home,” said Julie Newton sobbing as she spoke.

A City Utilities spokesman commended Kilroy’s efforts saying, “I’m sure we would all receive a significantly lower bonus each year if he decided to hang up his holiday celebrations. We wish more people in this community would follow his lead and increase their energy usage, ah, increase their Christmas Spirit, rather, every year.”

“Who does this guy think he is causing a damn roadblock with his twinkling lights? I can’t get down my street from all the rubberneckers and the intense light from his yard keeps me awake every night!” said an unidentified angry neighbor.

Kilroy is currently accepting donations to pay for his electronic vomit of exterior illumination celebration. “If the man can’t pay for it himself, he should shut it down. Is this charity or encouraging a spectacle?” muttered the unnamed neighbor as he destroyed the reindeer display nearest his lawn by kicking it in the carefully choreographed light-up chest.