FIFA's World Cup Finale continued to interrupt KSPR's Special Weather Report

Springfield, MO—A local ABC-affiliated television station attempted to broadcast a special weather report on Sunday, however, it was interrupted several times by the presentation of FIFA’s final game of the World Cup.

Karl Hirky, a Springfield resident, who was tuned in at the time said, “I like watching the weather in Camdenton, MO so the special update was something I was planning to view all weekend, heck even all week. I was really excited to see what Mother Nature is up to in my community and 80 miles away from my home.”

Conventional wisdom suggests that stations positioned closer to the action such as KMIZ, KNLJ, KRCG, KOMU-TV or KMOS-TV would provide sufficient weather coverage without the need for a special interruption on a Springfield station. However, few Springfieldians realize that KSPR is the only ABC-affiliated station that provides an ABC perspective to the Lake of the Ozarks area.

“I can honestly say I was excited when the World Cup broke into the weather report and the station went to a split screen. My boat and boat dock were just destroyed by the hellish tornado in our area and I had nothing else to do, having just lost my valuable possessions. So, I  decided to watch the soccer game,” confessed Rosie McDamniels of Camdenton, MO.

A station representative said that they successfully blocked most of the World Cup during the height of the far-off danger, yet there were periods of time when they could only cover up half of the screen with a weather map and screen crawl. Hirky admitted that perhaps he should have been more interested in the World Cup game as “soccer has prolly hurt more people than tornadoes worldwide.”

People need to know about sports claims sportscaster

Springfield, MO—Amid threats of severe weather in the Ozarks, one local sportscaster once again lost airtime to boring weather updates. A stupid severe thunderstorm watch drained a local sportscaster of precious minutes to cover life changing events such as an almost perfect baseball game, the retirement of an aging baseball player and an update on the unwatchable NHL Championship battle.

“Can’t these guys be content with their program interruptions and on-screen crawl messages? C’mon, who’s gonna notice if we get 2.5 more minutes to cover some sports entertainment? I mean, there’s a threat of severe weather, so sit back, relax and watch some entertaining physical sporting accomplishments while I give you the play-by-play with my soothing voice,” said Lou Kimberg, a disgruntled sportscaster under his breath while glaring at the weather chart tracking the predicted storm.

The news program director said that weather updates and viewer safety is the utmost concern for local broadcasts. “Aw, hogwash! People need to know about the retirement of Ken Griffey Jr. so they can go out and buy an authentic jersey to commemorate the event and jumpstart our local economy,” responded Kimberg in a post-production meeting.

Sources say that that weatherman Gary Tully will gladly give up 1 minute of airtime to Kimberg if “he can beat me in a game of horse. Kimberg is a poser, he couldn’t shoot a free throw to save his life!” The severe weather storm alert was eventually called off and no injuries or damage was reported. “See?!” said a befuddled Kimberg.

Neighbor meth lab threat meter level is at medium

Springfield, MO—With the recent onslaught of treacherous winter weather, KSPR has introduced the Threat Meter to help Ozarkers understand the most likely means by which they will die in the near future. Over the past several weeks, the meter has gained popularity by including threats such as “snow,” “ice,” “wind,” and “cold.” However, these threats are only seasonal and meteorologist Devin Brighty is worried that the Threat Meter could lose some appeal as temperatures warm and icicle impalements becomes less likely.

To help sustain interest in the Threat Meter, KSPR will be adding “Meth Lab Neighbor” and “Overzealous Police Officer” in the coming months. “Winter weather, though violent and deadly as all get out, is fleeting in this area, so we knew that we had to add a couple of more common threats to the meter,” said Brighty. “There’s less than a ten percent chance that your average Ozarker will be dismembered by Jack Frost, so it’s really not that big of a threat. But there’s about a forty percent chance that you have a meth lab neighbor and a fifty percent chance that they’ll try to eat your face at some point. So that’s a pretty big threat.”

As for the overzealous sexual offender, Brighty said that the threat will not be tied specifically to one town or city’s offenders, since all seem equally likely to handcuff, tazer, and/or urinate on someone.

Like green on a pickle, area weathermen and women were beside themselves with joy as they tracked potential deadly weather racing across the Ozarks.

As ominous clouds gathered, KY3 reporters Ron Hearst, Dave Snider and Brandon Beck jumped into the air and proclaimed, “meteorologist powers–activate…form of…StormTeam!” then landed on the ground dressed in matching caped-weather-crusader spandex outfits. After adjusting their tights, they raced off to the hidden StormTracker3 Dopplar-Radar cave to prepare for the long night ahead.

Beams of light poured out of KSPR’s Kevin Lighty and Natalie Nunn eyes as they held hands while peering into the crystal-weather-ball and called upon Weather Vision to foresee small spin-ups, potential for high winds in your county and gulf moisture in the jet stream.

Flanked with beakers, Petri dishes and Bunsen burners, KOLR/KSFX anchors Ted Keller and Jill Gilardi exchanged spirited banter while discussing possible weather formulas that would produce nickel-sized hail, wind rotations, straight-line winds and power surges within the confines of their Weather Lab. As they gushed over wind speed, Tom Trtan rode high in his weather balloon—Calming Influence—and an observer claimed to hear him say, “C’mon, you call this a storm? Blow you S-O-B, blow! It’s time for a showdown! You and me! I’m right here! Come and get me! Ha, ha! Ha, ha!”

Springfield resident Karen Briefly said, “These reporters love their weather. Every time a leaf falls from a tree I’m warned about possible strong winds in the area. I usually appreciate the reports, but this was a little over the top.”

At last report some loose insulation was reported along the side of a highway and several attempts were made to review warnings that haven’t yet, but may soon be issued.

Rumors linger that tv reporters construct their reports based on KTTS weather updates, who formulate their radio reports on a combination of the farmer’s almanac, an ancient vein of weather witchery and liquid fear.

In a related note, Saturday April 17th is the 1st annual Weatherman Challenge where TV weather reporters compete in events such as, eating a large hailstone, conducting lightning from their fingertips and changing the flow of river with their mind.