Ella Richardson can’t believe her recess is not going to happen

Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision.

“I was s’pose to swing with Ella during my recess, but instead I had to stay inside and play math games cause of the bad man,” said Timothy Unger, a kindergartener at Mathews Elementary. “Joe and I were going to trade Pokemon cards at recess, but that was totally ruined by mister ‘shave my head and walk by the school barefoot’ ruining our trading time,” scoffed Nick Burgenson a 5^th grader at Espy Elementary.

Students at Nixa High School had mixed feelings. Sarah Begonia said, “I was so glad that he was nearby. My gym class was planning to run the track this afternoon but fortunately we stayed inside and played a game. Unfortunately, it was dodge ball and Jimmy Heffer hit me in the face with the ball…I think he likes me,” she said while blushing.

Springfield Public School students were understandably jealous. “Aw man, nothing cool ever happens around here,” said Kelly Piolos, a Junior at Parkview High School, “why can’t a fugitive like Joshua Brown – who is wanted for murder – walk by our school so we don’t have to do anything for an afternoon?”

Rockin' movies at Table Rock

Branson, MO – The Army Corp. of Engineers announced that it will show movies against the face of Table Rock Mountain for the pleasure of boaters, fishermen, and general water enthusiasts this summer. The TRL Summer Movie Series opens next weekend and will feature The Rock starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

“We have a projector boat, basically it is a photo cannon that floats on the water. It is one of the largest projector boats known to exist. Basically it’s the only one that I know of,” said Lance Metaford of Water Projections Inc. With the increase in local vacations, or staycations, more people are foregoing plane trips out of state and are keeping their vacation dollars nearer to home.

The Army Corp. of Engineers decided that a “movie night” would be a great way to thank and entertain visitors to Table Rock Lake, while hopefully attracting more tourists to the area. “Who doesn’t love a good flick, or hanging out on the water? Putting the two together is a great idea,” said Melinda Kissinger a long-time visitor to State Park Marina.

Second-run films will be the mainstay of the programming, however, most will feature ties to the area including The Rock, Lake Placid, and a special screening of Winter’s Bone.

Potentially explosive device biggest draw of traffic at Mall

Springfield, MO – Crowd gathered uncomfortably close to a bomb investigation this week at the Battlefield Mall, a Simon property. The suspicious device was reported by an astute shopper after seeing a bag on the ground with wires poking out of it. While police determined if armored men or a bomb defusing robot should go in to investigate, several onlookers got an up-close view of the device.

“I smelled it, didn’t seem like any sort of explosive device was in the bag,” said Roy Pillar of the Ravenswood neighborhood, “Kinda like an old man smell, but no dynamite or clay or anything that would be blown up.” He wasn’t the only one who witnessed the frightening scene. Polly McDunkins said, “I was really near the bag and was thinking ‘OMG if this goes off it could do a lot of damage’ so I snuck up closer to see if it really was a bomb that would obliterate an entire city block. I mean c’mon I’ve never seen such a thing before!”

Battlefield Mall security pleaded with crowds to keep their distance before SPD arrived; however, a nothing draws a crowd like a crowd. “We offered sidewalk sales at JC Penny, half off deals at Auntie Ann’s but all people wanted to do was see a life-ending, horrific explosive device that could shred a horse into thousands of pieces,” said Norm Fajjerty on his modified Segway.

“Looks like a computer battery to me,” said 8-year-old Jeffrey Livingstonshire. To which hundreds of gathered onlookers chuckled. The device was ruled nonthreatening after a Springfield firefighter ripped off his clothes, soaked his ass in water and jumped onto the bag, potentially sacrificing his own life.

The Battlefield Mall will honor his actions every year with an “Explosive Sidewalk Sale!” to benefit the Police and Firefighter’s fund each year going forward.

Long line of people waiting to eat pork products, which may include ribs, but not necessarily

Springfield, MO – In order to better define what the Rock n’ Ribs visitor experience is officials have renamed the local benefit for the 2013 event to Pork n’ Lines.  According to people who went to the event, no ribs were actually served and the lines and lines of people were long enough to be a defining moment in anyone’s life.

“Crowds of people who expect to eat ribs is what this country was founded on. If we can’t offer cooked bone-in rib meat to people in an orderly and quick fashion for charity, then we should rename the event to something that is achievable,” said Timothy Ukiomwere, a recent visitor.

The lines in the name Pork ‘n Lines, is meant to not only represent the lines of people waiting to eat pulled pork but also the lines of traffic into and out of the event. Pork is meant to symbolize the pig meat consumed for charity.

The 2013 Pork ‘n Lines is currently seeking sponsors and has lined up special events for corporate sponsorship including “Waiting in Line”, “Eating Pork Contest” and “Waiting to Execute a Left Hand Turn”. Interested parties should contact the office directly where they will be placed on hold and accommodated by listening to an audible reading of William Shatner ‘s interpretive “Three Little Pigs”.

Woman placing a moustache finger on her lip

Springfield, MO – For those fascinated with facial follicle fashion, get ready to face some serious competition! Competitors from around the Ozarks are gathering at Patton Alley Pub this Saturday to prove that their genetic coding has superior follicle frolicking. Queen City Beards hosts the event and expects several male and female entries this year.

“If women can grow facial hair they can participate in the Bearded Lady category, the Stache Chic category or the Unibrow category. If they are follicly-challenged, we also have a fake beard/moustache category. Most fakers draw a moustache on their finger and hold it on their face, wear a costume beard or permanently tattoo their upper lip,” said an event organizer.

One entrant on the male side has spent years preparing for the event by growing one single hair that is extremely long and can be woven in between stubble in a basket weaving configuration. “It’s great, I have one super long hair that can be arranged on my face in any given style: if I’m going to the game, I can fashion it into a baseball, if it is an evening at a restaurant, I can make a fish or steak, if I’m looking for love I can make a heart with cupids arrow. It is very versatile!” said Hank Jistapiece of Buffalo, MO.

Among others, the event will be judged by local meteorologist Tom Trtan who has been officially banned from entering the competition because his moustache is legendary and could never be beaten by any mortal man.

Submarine rides below Table Rock Lake

Branson, MO – Visitors to Branson can now enjoy the first underwater ride-through exhibit opened by the Titanic Museum to mark the 100-year anniversary of the sinking of the infamous ship. A special ceremony introduced the Underwater Titanic exhibit to the public; the underwater ride allows ticket holders to experience firsthand how it felt to go down with the ship.

A few lucky people in attendance were allowed to ride. “It was really like I was sinking, drowning in an icy ocean. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t breathe at one point,” said Nathan Bartface. When pressed for details, officials revealed that during the ride the oxygen supply to the submarine cars is cut off to simulate “underwater drowning”.

The Underwater Titanic exhibit begins at the museum and travels a 30 mile trek including 22 miles under Table Rock Lake. According to a source, animatronic robots were placed near the base of Table Rock Lake Dam and include charming characters who gasp for air, are seen bloating, and one hilarious animatronic robot who is attempting to swim.

“The Underwater Titanic exhibit is about getting people closer to the disaster. We all want to learn more about it, now we can experience yet another side of the tragic sinking – the death side. We all pretty much know the love stories anyway,” said Cindy Whitely.

The Underwater Titanic even comes with a new addition to the mascot family, a miniature Emperor Penguin, named Iceberg.

Robber escapes with wild jump over bank

Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe for KFC extra crispy chicken, as well as countless other prizes.
“I can’t believe it,” tells one witness. “One moment he runs in and the next he takes off in a solid orange car with a rebel flag on it. And for some reason there was a ramp right there, and when he was mid air some creepy southern voice told us, ‘Now that’s what I call a quick get away’”.
“We lost everything,” states Duke Hazard, president of the bank. “The ruby studded spittons, a fur coat made up of raccoon pelts, and a golden fiddle won from Satan himself.”
The bank assured its patrons that the best blood hounds are on the case.
“Nothing will stop those guys once they have the scent,” reports Officer Rawls. “Unless of course one dies from mountain lion attack and the other one dies of grief. But, that hardly ever happens.”

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

American Idol favored in eyes of God

Springfield, MO – Following the performance of American Idol star Kelly Clarkson last night, several Christians converted to Idol worship. The God of the Universe had planned to strike dead all who are partaking in the pagan cult rituals but God finds Clakson’s music just too catchy and herself to be too cheery to destroy her and the idolatry.

“Her music is wonderful, according to Me!” quipped the Creator of the Universe, “I couldn’t bring myself to smite those fun loving Idol worshippers even though I could do it without batting an eye. Yes, I could infect them all with Justin Guarini disease and watch them wither up and fall off the face of the Earth, yet they are all so fun-going.”

Local church clergy had mixed views on the matter. “Uhm, well I guess if the Son of Man likes A Moment Like This so much he has the right to let her continue to exist, but some of her fan base are pretty annoying, couldn’t He take some of them out as a show of good faith?” pondered Friar Earl Pressley.

“Sure I blessed her; she broke The Beatles’ record for the biggest leap to number one, from 52, in the history of the Billboard Hot 100 chart. You can’t deny talent like that. She’s All I Ever Wanted, and I am Mr. Know It All, I guess it would be safe to say My Life Would Suck Without her,” laughed the Lord Almighty.

Teeth “throw a spanner in the works”

Springfield, MO – A British fugitive was recently found in Ozark, MO trying to blend into his local surroundings. Authorities say they were tipped off by local residents as the man smelled of cabbage and haggis. The accused is said to have pulled off the “perfect crime” by driving off in a security van with 50 bags of coins and notes worth $1.5 million in 1993.

“I remember him. He always said weird things like ‘sixes and sevens’,
‘mutt’s nuts’ and once he told me I had a ‘crusty dragon’ when my
allergies were acting up,” said Nate Kowalski, “he was real nice though.
” Neighbors reported the man as being suspicious. One woman, Gail Yonkalits said, “we lived next door to him for about 2 years and he never smoked meth or chewed tobacco, yet he had the worst teeth I’d even seen. Somethin’ ain’t right about that. So I called the cops to see what would cause that and they said he’s prolly British or foreign or somethin’ and I was astounded.”

Sherriff’s deputies kept the man under surveillance during which they determined that he drank tea at regular intervals during the day, watched soccer, and even had an unusual flag hanging from the back window of his pickup truck. “It turns out his flag was not a twist on the rebel flag that we assumed it was…we learned it was another flag called a Union Jack,” said one perplexed officer.

“I just can’t believe that we had an illegal alien in our midst. I mean he could have spread his accent to other people or sumpin’,” said Joey Neferton of Ozark, “he picked the wrong place to blend in, we find strangers really quickly ‘round here. Didn’t bother me that he had guns, but it did bother me that he said ‘crikey’ all the time.”