Underground mole man

Springfield, MO – Hordes of people have flocked to the ancient tornado protection grounds known commercially as Fantastic Caverns. Citizens and local government have relocated temporarily to avoid dangerous storms and will remain submerged until the storm season passes in October.

“I’ve heard of entire mobile homes driven into the caves, there is an entire city down there complete with a caste system. My uncle is a mechanic above ground, but under the earth he is a warlord,” said 14-year-old, Newton Figgerja of Nixa, MO.

More recently, a new community of survivalists have taken up residency at the Springfield Underground and include finance, banking and news gathering professionals in the Ozarks. “We have to remain resilient during the straight line wind months and both together as a community. Except for the Fantastic Cavern hold-outs, they can suck a stalagmite for all I care,” claimed Maggie Fenstermatch, 48 of Springfield, MO.

The great divide between Fantastic Caverns and Springfield Underground communes began in 1989 when a vital truckload of survival supplies was captured and rerouted to the north side caverns. “They took our Twinkies and VHS copies of Rambo. We had to eat bat guano for weeks,” said Fenstermatch.

“I am so excited that we’ll have a chance to relax in the terminal while doing yoga,” said Nancy Hitroth, a frequent flier on American Airlines. According to officials, airport yoga is being offered as an incentive to passengers, especially those on extended layovers.

Carl Thereloss, a spokesman for the Deptarment of Aviation said, “We’re happy to test airYoga in the Ozarks. Should this test prove successful we are looking at implementing the practice at several more terminals across the country. We’ll begin with pre-recorded televised instructors in designated areas of the Springfield-Branson National Airport, then slowly add kiosks and vendors to support the needs of those wishing to participate.”

SGF Airport projects a huge increase on multiple fronts: customer satisfaction and cash flow. “People are going to love this…who doesn’t want to begin their flight in a Zen state or unwind from a crowded regional jet jaunt with a little downward dog? Plus the airport will generate income on the sale of ancillary items including yoga pants, mats and eventually memberships to private hot yoga classes.”

During high-traffic times, passengers are encouraged to find a corner of the airport that they are comfortable with begin their own yoga sessions with others until an open television viewing space is available.

Daughter practices mom-seat-belt on her mother

Springfield, MO – In a touching show of motherly support, thousands of people aged 2 to 92 extended their right arm across the person’s chest to the right of them, thereby forming the largest mom-seat-belt chain in the world. The mom-seat-belt stretched nearly 19 miles and ran from downtown Springfield to the square in Ozark, MO.

“I was so honored to take part in this celebration with my mother – a woman who has attempted to save my life with her forearm several times over the years while she was driving,” said Abica Keller, 47 of Nixa, Missouri, “If it hadn’t been for her arm when I was a child, I’m not sure I’d be here today.”

The mom-seat-belt was first officially recognized in the Ozarks during the spring of 1972 when Patricia Gowers forcefully applied her brakes at the intersection of National and Battlefield, sending her two young children hurtling towards the dash of her two-tone 1971 gran torino. “Back then, there were no laws stipulating where a child could sit or if we should even be using seat belts. At the time I just remember saying to myself I’ve got to stop these kids from face-planting,” recalled Gowers, now a grandmother to 5 young passengers.

Doctor Felix Hendrixson estimates that the mom-seat-belt has saved the lives of at least 4 people over the history of automobile usage and prevented many minor bumps and scrapes. “Usually, the maneuver is perfectly worthless and creates more tension to the elbow of the person attempting to provide protection. I’ve seen numerous cases of mothers who have hyper-extended their right elbow so many times that they lose any reflexive ability developing what we call mom-seat-belt elbow,” said Hendrixson.

While the debate continues over the protective properties of the mom-seat-belt, there is no denying that thousands of people respect and remember the maneuver fondly and took great joy today participating in the event to honor moms across the Ozarks.

The price is right, bitch

Branson, MO–The Welk Resort announced today that television host Jerry Springer will host “The Price is Right Live!” fights in Branson May 28 to June 8.

Springer is the host of “The Jerry Springer Show,” which is in its 22nd season of showcasing spectacular Mommy-Daddy child custody fights. Springer previously hosted “The Price is Right Live!” in other cities.

This is Branson’s second season for “The Price is Right Live”. “Imma gon come out and kick my woman in the teeth if she gets picked!” said Newton Liston, native of Sparta and ticketholder to one of the Springer-style shows, “She gonna be like what the cruck?!”

Contestants, pulled from the audience, have the chance to win apps, vacuums and new cigarette lighters playing the same games on the television show, such as Plinko, Cliffhangers and the Big Wheel.

“The Price is Right Live!” runs through November at the Welk Resort in Branson. Performance times are 2 and 8 p.m. Adult tickets are the equivalent of a batch of meth plus tax and children 17 and under are roughly a jug of moonshine plus tax. Tickets are available by phone at 800-505-9355 or online at WelkBranson.com.

Bank sign screws up loft dwellers rods and cones

Springfield, MO – Several downtown loft dwellers were upset following the opening of the Great Southern branch across the street from their building, its neon sign lighting up the night and shining checking offers through their bedroom windows.

“At first I was disgusted by the sign, it was so annoying. I couldn’t sleep so I hung a sign protesting the bank out my window that read ‘Bad Banking – Mess You Up!’. Luckily, I switched lofts with my friend Kerry,” said Nellie Howardson, a resident whose Wheeler loft faces directly into the signage.

While staying in her friend’s apartment Howardson was hanging out with her friend Shoeman who introduced her to some of the checking and saving programs Great Southern offers and “well, now I’m addicted to the bank…I’m hooked!” said Howardson.

After several weeks of neon bank sign exposure, Kerry began displaying erratic behavior, opening doors without knocking, making sliding entrances and complaining that she “can’t eat, can’t sleep and can only see the neon sun of the bank sign…my rods and cones are all screwed up!”

Kerry insisted that she switch back to her loft and Howardson return to hers after Howardson’s porcelain doll, Mrs. Jingles came to life and pitter-pattered across the wooden floor.

Students solidify closure of school year with ceremonial dance

Springfield, MO- High school students all over Springfield are looking forward to the end of school not only because of summer break being right around the corner, but the end of the year revelations and total closure each school year brings.

“It is just like all the movies,” said high school junior Alex Randish. “All the big events happen in May right before school ends. Like a nerd who suddenly has a stunning reveal after make-over which consists of taking off glasses and straighten hair, a student reveals she was an undercover reporter, or a beloved teacher gets killed by another staff member via killing curse.”

Other events that will mostly occur in the last month of school would be: friends realizing they are lovers, students losing their virginities in wacky or heart-warming ways, and girls use their telepathic powers to burn the student body alive.

“We can’t wait to see what happens,” said high school freshman Taylor Fredricks. “In 8^th grade nothing happed, except field day. Now I will either finally get the strength to ask the popular girl our, or my future son will travel back in time to help me with a bully. Who knows what will happen?”

After May students will look forward to zany summer camp situations, then promptly getting slaughtered in the Fall by a supernatural killer.

104.7's Mike the Intern

Usually, I try to tie in some kind of theme for the month, but for May, I really didn’t want to make a list of songs that were about stupid flowers or anything like that so I decided to take another path. This month I am going to feature songs by bands that are talking about other bands.

Lynyrd Skynyrd – Sweet Home Alabama   In this song the band mentions Neil Young to respond to his allegations about some bad things going on in the south. In reality, the bands were friends and in some cases played together so there was no hard feelings. Booze cures everything I always say.

Motorhead – R.A.M.O.N.E.S.     A tribute by Motorhead to the band The Ramones. I don’t care how many albums you sell, how many people come to your shows, how much money you have, how many cars you have in your million dollar mansion, if Lemmy writes a song for you, then you have made it.

The Who – The Seeker    This song is about a man on a spiritual journey but also asks Bobby Dylan and The Beatles about life’s important questions. They also ask Timothy Leary help too, which would make sense because you would have to be on acid to want to ask Ringo about the meaning of life.

Deep Purple – Smoke on the Water    The song itself is a story that starts out with the band going to see a Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention show, then someone shoots a flare gun and burns the venue they are playing to the ground, then Deep Purple writes this song, then millions of young men across the world will play this for the first time to show a girl how awesome they are at guitar.

Patiently waiting for time to make an entrance

Springfield, MO – According to storm chasers, a mild tornado is circulating outside of city limits waiting the perfect time to dash across the area garnering every meteorologist’s undying attention. The tornado was first sighted 2 weeks ago crouched behind an abandoned barn near I-44.

“I suspect the ‘nado is waiting for the weather to normalize before it races across the Ozarks,” said Craig Nillord, a 15-year veteran of chasing tornados, “the activity we see is usually selfish and attention-grapping when it comes to these types of weather phenomenon.” Tornadoes are fairly feared in the Ozarks and they take great pleasure in striking fear into the lives of everyday people.

The tornado was seen biding its time playing solitaire, checking email and skipping rocks across a nearby pond. Given the weather extremes in the area, conditions are usually perfect for a tornado but this particular storm seems to be plotting a grand entrance.

“We’ve had snaps of cold, followed by rain, increased temperatures into the 80’s and normal old spring breezes,” said meteorologist Hank Phillups, “I’d guess this twister is picking the perfect time to spring up. Which is sad, really. I always give weather patterns and events the appropriate attention whenever and wherever they appear.”

Experts suggest that when the tornado does make its appearances, everyone should act surprised and make a big deal out of it to ensure that it doesn’t elevate into a stronger, angrier tornado.