Iceberg takes down Chateau

Springfield, MO- Tragedy struck on Saturday when the premier Branson resort (called unsinkable by the press) was hit by an iceberg and slowly sunk into the lake, taking numerous souls with down with her. Ironically the disaster struck exactly 100 years after the Titanic met its icy fate. Many blame the tragedy on man’s hubris.

“My engineers warned me about the lack of life boats,” said the hotel owner. “I told them hotels on land don’t need life boats because they are hotels and on land. I was such a fool.” The iceberg was being delivered by tugboat to Silver Dollar City when the boat lost control and the iceberg careened at the resort at 0.5 mile per hour.

“I guess we are partially to blame because first the iceberg struck the resort, then melted around it causing the victims to drown in freezing cold water,” said Jonathon Silverdollar, the heir of the Silver Dollar City fortune, “But, people want their snow cones, and if I can think there are better ways to make snow cones other than shaving a genuine hand delivered Atlantic Ocean iceberg, I would love to hear it.”

Once the iceberg hit, it tore through the beach then struck the resort at 11:40 AM. Panicked people raced to the few lifeboats. First it was wives and mothers, then mistresses, cute children, normal children, AAA members, Discover cardholders, good tippers, and then everyone else. Although the chivalrous plan was set into motion, chaos soon broke out.

“When people found out about the lack of lifeboats, they went mad especially since we offered our premier members more leg room by decline other passengers. And it was poor hindsight that we replaced all our very buoyant wooden tables with marble laden pieces,” said hotel first mate Randall Parkson.

The rescue was delayed because the coast guard took hours to get to the accident. “Sure we were right there, said Police Commissioner Williams. “But, a sinking vessel is a coast guard thing. Plus it was really late at night.” Branson plans to make a museum commemorating the tragedy.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

White squirrels effectively banned

Marionville, MO – Due to a typo, local officials have passed the strictest canine alternative bans in the state of Missouri. The laws were aimed at K2, a synthetic marijuana substitute, however the legal clerk typing up the copy mistakenly substituted a “9” for a “2”, thereby restricting the possession or sale of any animal that might be considered other than a dog.

“Canines are okay according to the newly passed law but domestic cats, guinea pigs, rabbits, birds, white squirrels and domestic swine, etc. are all effectively illegal from this point going forward,” said the city Sheriff. It is yet to be seen if the law will be enforced, however, Marionville stand to gain a large financial incentive if the police force were to fine every alternative canine owner.

Town leaders are quick to point out that this could be a quick way to fix the local budget as several people in town own multiple pets that are not dogs. “I swear if someone tries to take my pookie cat I will rip their eyes out with my toes,” said Jenny Uopiloff, a lifelong resident of the town, “I’ve had my cat for 15 years and I have 2 white squirrels that visit my feeder every day. Just ‘cause some nitwit down at city hall typed a wrong key.”

In the interim, Marionville city council is moving toward replacing the town mascot with a white dog.

You have four categories of travelers…The Rookie, The Wonderer, The Cool Guy and The Bitch.  If you can identify these characters early on, at least there are no surprises.

The Rookie has no clue.  They are usually young families or small town folk ages 32-45 and very nervous.  They frantically go through security and run from one terminal to the next.  They might be wearing shirts from their last vacation.  Their luggage is most likely a hand-me-down with their parent’s name and address still on the tag.  They like to talk a lot…greeting people on the plane like they are all part of one big team.  In general, nobody likes them.

The Wonderer is usually dirty.  They are usually young singles ages 22-35.  Their clothes are tattered and torn as if they have been sleeping for the past few days and just woke.  More than likely, they stink.  These folks usually ask for seconds on the bag of peanuts.  They are always first to give up their seat on a full flight to someone else in hopes of scoring a free dinner voucher and one night’s stay at the airport hotel.  Stay away from them as they are likely to carry the illness from a foreign country that will wipe out the human race.

The Cool Guy is the veteran traveler.  This category is made up of men ages 35-50.  They are up and comers…or so they think.  They are looking at and talking about the stock market but probably don’t have enough money to invest.  Their suit, while it looks nice, was bought at the Men’s Warehouse on clearance.  They still wear gold.  They flirt a lot but never get the girl.  They have had 10 jobs in the last two years because they simply can’t get that big promotion.  I really want to punch these guys in the nuts.

Lastly, we come to The Bitches.  I would say this category is made up of middle aged women.  Nobody likes them…especially not their husbands.  They haven’t been laid in years.  They usually have way too much makeup on and smell like a French Whore.  Although the cheap wine, over the years, has stained their teeth, they are too cheap to try the Crest Strips.  If you have small children, keep them away as these women will tear you to shreds with little remarks that are just loud enough that only you can hear them.  These people take pride in being someone that nobody can stand to be around.

Well, there you have it.  What you do with this information is up to you.  My recommendation is to go find the Spook Light in Joplin or maybe hope for the reopening of Snow Bluff for your next vacation.  It might just save you from the terrible reality of these horrible people who await you at the airport.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Beck realizing his theatre is across from "The Daily Theatre" in Branson, MO

Branson, MO—The American conservative radio and television host, author, entrepreneur, and political commentator Glen Beck recently announced that he is opening a theatre in Branson where he will host daily shows for live audiences. The news follows Beck’s comes just one month after he left the Fox News Channel on June 30^th, 2011.

Beck’s company, Mercury Radio Arts, a multimedia production company that produces content for radio, television, publishing, the stage, and the Internet found that the Branson market was a perfect fit for his conspiracy theories and incendiary rhetoric for enthusiastic audiences.

A local Branson t-shirt salesman, George Filunus said, “Beck’s is a constitutional stalwart defending traditional American values,” as he held up a new t-shirt design that said “Back in Beck, Branson, MO”. The Glen Beck Theatre Show, as the new stage production will be known, will be housed in a new complex to be known as the Restoring Restoration Theatre located off HWY 76.

Since 2005, Beck has toured American cities twice a year, presenting a one-man stage show as a “wildly imaginative performer, a man who weds the operatic impulses of the demagogue to the grim mutterings of the conspiracy theorist”.  Beck says he is looking forward to having a permanent gig in the heart of the Ozarks however he is concerned about the theatre going up across the street with a sign that simply says, “The Daily Theatre”. “I swear to God almighty, if John Stewart is hosting that show I’m not sure what I’ll do,” said Beck.

Center of Universe Located Here

Plato, MO—The center of population for the United States has been in Missouri since 1980, however, according to current U.S. census data Plato, MO is now the center of the Universe. Plato’s location is 23.4 miles west of Edgar Springs, and is responsible for reflecting growth of the Galactic population in the Universe.

This week, local civic leaders, state and federal representatives, and hundreds of people from the Plato joined the U.S. Census Bureau Director in unveiling a stone pedestal marking the community as the center of the Universe’s population, based on 2010 census data.

“Our village may be small but it has a big universal spirituality,” said Plato village board chairman Brian Gilbert. “We care about our galactic neighbors because we are small enough to know who our global and galactic neighbors are.”

Much of the population growth is due to the presence of Fort Leonard Wood, the Army’s largest training center and the growth of Big Louie’s, a gentlemen’s club that has featured triple digit growth over the past 10 years.

Galactic representatives said, “The center of the Universe has always been located inside each human’s own mind, self-centered people they are, but now we recognize the center of the Universe as the community known as Plato, in Missouri,” said Herrberg Fatswat of Venus.

Nixa Software provides digital solutions for agro-techs

Nixa, MO—Seven acres of software opened in Christian County on Highway 14 and 160 this week as Nixa Software welcomes digital loving rural customers who will be provided with high-tech gear for getting chores done around the house or the ranch. “I bought my daddy a iPhone holder belt buckle, his phone just slides into the buckle and he can access it anytime, perfectly matches his iStetson with build in Bluetooth headphones,” said Lulu Billingsly, a rancher in Willard, MO.

Nixa Software will feature large departments where electronic items such as GPS systems, digital displays and MP3s geared toward a better growing season can be found. “I’m a big fan of ‘Let you Lawn be Luscious’ which is a podcast by Miracle Grow that I listen to during the harvest season so I can have a great lawn once spring arrives,” said Hank Millower, a successful soy bean farmer south of town.

The new owners said, “When Circuit City closed doors we thought it a perfect opportunity to start a digital storefront positioned in a rural setting. Farmers, ranchers and hayseeds are all taking part in the digital revolution, just at a slower pace. Now the acceleration of adoption on the farm is hitting a critical mass. We sell MP3 players and computer programs to people who ride 6-figure trackers down to the weekend rancher riding his John Deere. All of these people have their lawn rides stereo system tricked out with the latest gadgets nowadays.”
Most traffic to the new store is expected to come from curious shoppers across the street at Nixa Hardware, however the new owners expect the word to spread quicker than a rogue grove of dogwood trees.

The three day burger was a popular order before the snow came

Springfield, MO. –Deemed the worst storm to hit the Ozarks since 2003, the massive snow storm front sweeping the nation has been called many names such as: “Snolocaust”,  “Snowpocolypse”, even “Snowmageddon”.  Its impending smack down in our region has local residents preparing for the worse.

“I’m not going to get caught with my pants down this time!.” says local resident Bob Laublaah as he pulled out of the McDonald’s parking lot on east Glenstone with his order of 6 Big N’ Tasteys and 10 McRib Value meals. “The last storm left me stranded in my house eating only canned goods and having to use the stove for more than a place to set dirty dishes.”

Such has been a typical comment from thousands of concerned citizens who have flooded into McDonald’s to stock up on “necessities”. Typical storm preparations used to include stocking up on food staples such as: bottled water, crackers, and canned goods. In this day and age however it seems we can add Quarter Pounders and Big Macs to the list. The result has left McDonald’s all over town overwhelmed with customers buying 20 cheeseburger value meals per person.

“I eat at McDonald’s every day. What am I supposed to do if I can’t get to one? I don’t even own a can opener!” said one of the patrons. “To top it off, I’m on a special diet eating a Grilled Chicken Club that’s only 520 calories. If I can’t get one, my diet will be shot!”

Most people interviewed said they weren’t going overboard by supersizing the orders, just buying more. Due to the volume of orders, McDonald’s is requesting people bring their own food containers to be more environmentally sound.

WTF zodiac?

SPRINGFIELD, MO—The earth’s alignment has changed and so have the dates assigned to zodiac signs. “We’ve known about this for awhile,” admitted Parke Funkle, official spokesperson for the American Coalition of Astrologers (ACA) and vice president of Dudes with Weird Names (DWN). “It was time for a change, horoscopes just weren’t selling like they used to.”

According to Funkle, horoscopes were only being read in Cosmo Magazine, and horoscopes had been being dropped from various publications over the past few years. “We ended up even losing our strongest demographics,” said Funkle, “which, of course, are the Godless, the morbidly obese, and the bored.”

The shift in the zodiac even includes a new sign: Ophiuchus, also known as “The Snake Holder,” or “The Cousin Oliver”. “Just think of it as giving a sitcom an additional character—that always makes the show popular again,” said Funkle.

“I love the zodiac’s shift,” said Springfield resident George Sheady, “it has totally revived my interest in horoscopes and destiny and stuff. I used to be an Aries and now I’m a Pisces—and I couldn’t be happier. I used to act all impulsive and I was a total control freak, but now I’m more creative and sensitive. However, my girlfriend and I don’t get along anymore. Also, I think I might be gay now.”

Not everyone is accepting the shift as well as Sheady. “The zodiac sold out,” said former horoscope supporter, Lynn O’Gorman of Nixa, MO, “and I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Astrology used to mean something—it used to be a reliable science, like fortune telling or Farkle. How can I believe something that changes every few thousand years? Anything so fickle can’t be trusted.”

The general opinion on the zodiac shift has yet to be determined.

Naughty 3-way chili not quite what man ordered

Springfield, MO – An ad posted on the popular classified site Craigslist recently promised area residents a 3-way if they went to the corner of Campbell & Swan or Glenstone & Cinderella.  Johnny Moronico  of Bois D’Arc replied to the ad only to find he was getting Chili from Steak N Shake and not the services that made Craigslist famous.  “All they gave me was a damn chili and spaghetti dish, made by an old man who looked like he crapped his pants”, Mornoico said after exiting the Glenstone & Cinderella Steak N Shake in disgust. Moronico went to say that the ad specified that a 3-way was available 24 hours a day, and he was hoping to get in on some action.  “Those [SnS employees] really lied to me.  I saw a tall server named Danielle who would have been perfect, but that old man really creeped me out.”

When contacted by FCN, Steak N Shake manager Dan said, “We were aware of this ad, but everyone knows we’ve offered the [chili] 3-way and 5-way since 1934.  We can’t help it if this guy was too stupid to figure out that we’re a family restaurant.  Besides he was half drunk and reeked of booze.  We asked this guy to leave after he thought we were Burger King and tried to have Danielle his way.  We’re checking into his allegations about the old man. ”

As for Craigslist, they’ve since removed the adult services and gigs categories to which Dan stated “We will find new and innovative ways to introduce our products to the next generation of Steak N Shake customers.   We invite everyone to Steak N Shake for a 3 or 5 way available 24 hours a day!”