Weems announces run at press conference

Springfield MO – Kyle Weems was late getting to the press conference to discuss the Missouri State’s basketball involvement in the NIT postseason tournament.  He was seen shaking hands with fans, hugging old ladies and kissing babies.  When he finally took his seat he had the following comments.

“Look I am glad as the next guy that we are playing basketball in the post season.  It is especially nice that the way the NIT games are scheduled, we can play them between classes.  But I am here today for bigger and better things.  I want to take the time right now to publicly announce that I will be a write in candidate in the April election for the mayor of Springfield.  I feel that I have done everything I can do for Missouri State basketball by being a 4 time Valley player of the week, Missouri Valley MVP, first team all conference player, helping bring a Missouri Valley Conference championship to Missouri State, and the most important, being part of the tradition of being snubbed by the NCAA for national championship consideration.”

Weems added,  “It is time we had a real leader that can tackle the issues we have in this town.  Do you know what the difference is between the problems Springfield has and a sack of dog crap?  The difference is the sack.  As mayor I will put sidewalks in where they should have been all along and I will flatten the Heer’s building and put up a 24/7 basketball court.  Visitors to downtown can catch a movie, get a bite to eat and play a couple of pick up basketball games.”

Incumbent mayor Jim O’Neal had these comments.  “I must admit that his ideas are pretty darn good.  The strange thing is these ideas were done without the aid of consultants or citizens advisory committees.  I might have to start kissing old ladies and hugging babies myself.”

Coach Cuonzo Martin was surprised by Weems sudden announcement.  “I love Kyle to death.”, he added.  He is definitely one of the best basketball players I have ever been around.  But when he does stuff like this when we have more basketball to play, it just makes me sit down and pull my hair out.”

A fan sign calls out the NCAA selection committee

Springfield, MO—Fans of Missouri State University basketball were dealt a crushing blow yesterday with the early announcement that their men’s team would not be extended an invitation to the NCAA, the NIT, nor next year’s Missouri Valley Conference Tournament. “We’re hoping to crush any existing hope in southwest Missouri right now,” said NCAA administering official, Efram Reelhard.

“I recognize that the Bears won 25 games, were the Missouri Valley Conference champs, and played deep into the MVC tournament however, even as we expand to 68 from 65 teams, I still don’t think they deserve a spot in the NCAA tournament,” continued Reelhard, “we honor tradition with the Big Dance and Missouri State has a long storied history of being screwed out of the tournament, I’m not going to be the one who breaks that tradition.”

MSU Bears fans accepted the news with mixed results. “I’m just glad they let us know now instead of dragging it out until selection Sunday,” said sophomore Les Webetempted. Others showed more outrage. “I believe we have played well enough to be recognized with an at-large bid. Hell, we were the most exciting team in college basketball—we always waited until the last minute to win any game,” said Morely Upzet.

Bears fans are pleading with local Sign Man Marty Prather to devise a clever message posted onto a poster board to send the selection committee a message. As of press time, the MSU Bears men’s team is planning a three-on-three tournament at The Courts to give fans one last chance to cheer on this 2011 team.

Poplar Bluff, MO – Tyler Hansbrough plans to found a new NBA team after completing his tenure with the University of North Carolina. The Tar Heels power forward says, “the people of Poplar Bluff deserve professional basketball, and I plan to bring it to them.”

Hansbrough says his new NBA team—the Jays of Poplar Bluff—will compete immediately and will make the playoffs this year with smooth creamy play, crunchy attacks to the hoop and sticky defense. Trade rumors swirl around such high profile names as Dwyane Wade, Kevin Garnett, Tony Parker and Yao Ming. Recently, Phoenix Suns Center Shaquille O’Neal posted a tweat on the social network Twitter that read, “get me to MO in a jiffy. I am the PB n’ J-daddy.”

The NBA has agreed to rent space for the new team at nearby Show-Me Center with a practice facility under construction in the fall. All indications point to naming rights going to lead sponsor, the JM Smucker Company.

When reached for comment NBA commissioner David Stern said “I’ve taken the tour, sampled the fare, looked at the extraordinary video board–this is one exciting building. You cannot miss the video board, it is simply the best in the league.”

Poplar Bluff Mayor Susan K. Williams likes the idea of the additional revenue generated from the upcoming Smucker’s “Uncrustables Center”. She claims the additional attention to the area will be a strain on the local community at first but everyone plans to attend every home game and support the new team. The JM Smucker company plans to donate funds to local charities for each “jam” or slam dunk during home games.

James Pierman, longtime resident of the town, says, “I can’t wait for the PB Jays to munch on the competition this year.”

Coach Roy Williams is anticipated to announce his new position as the head coach of the PB Mules during his appearance at the 13th Annual Steak & Steak Dinner and Charity Auction to benefit the Boys & Girls Clubs of Springfield, MO April 30, 2009.