"Genie" escapes from prison bottle; trims shrubs on way out

Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail.

Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now here in Branson, MO. The man can’t be contained by conventional prison systems.” Richardson/Ward, who works as a handyman and groundskeeper, had reportedly fixed a broken toilet and trimmed up some exterior hedges as he left the incarceration facility.

“I sure didn’t fix that commode or trim the shrubbery,” said Hankey. Over the past 30 years Richardson lead a new “absolutely pristine, spotless life in that time,” said his attorney. “A pristine lifetime that was too good to waste spending time behind bars I suspect,” said Tom Beck, Richardson’s brief cellmate.

A close friend, Roy Umber said, “Eugene was always looking to the next lawn to mow, the next door jam to fix. I’m not surprised he walked away from prison again. You can’t keep a good man down and you can’t keep Genie in the bottle or from exterior lawn care, even if you try to lock him up.”

Hankey confessed, “alls I know is he did a really nice job on the evergreens we had planted out front. He really is too talented to be locked up.”

HGTV’s Color Splash mega-star and host David Bromstad observes a pink jail cell

Mt. Vernon, MO—With great fanfare, HGTV’s Color Splash mega-star and host David Bromstad, has singled out the recently remodeled Lawrence County Missouri jail’s all pink theme as “….bold, daring, and just a bit little naughty.” The idea of going all pink was the brainchild of Sheriff Brad Delay who cited hard data suggesting “…pink has a calming effect on prisoners. Who knew?”

Delay went on, “Just walking through the hot-pink cell block one gets a sense of serenity and inner-peace.” Bromstad who was secretly vacationing in nearby Miller, MO., was tipped off to the makeover and demanded to see it first-hand. “To say I was blown away would be the biggest duh moment of the century,” gushed Bromstad, adding, “What genius! Sheriff Delay not only painted the cells an over the top shade of luscious pink but he carried the theme to a natural conclusion by providing coordinating pink jumpsuits for the inmates.”

Known for creating one-of-a-kind art pieces on his runaway hit television show, Bromstad told FCN, “I intend to gift an art project in tribute to the citizens of Lawrence County and their forward thinking Sheriff for elevating jailhouse design to the next level.” Pushing back tears he added, “…my inspiration for the custom piece came from a charming visit with an old and gentle trustee affectionately known by fellow Lawrence County cell mates as Lil’ Dickie.”

A spokesman for Sheriff Delay said he intends to create a Power Point presentation showcasing the new digs including several candid pictures of inmates modeling their new attire. The presentation will be shared at the upcoming Missouri Sheriffs Association meeting to be held later this spring at Lake of the Ozarks. Entitled “Pink On The Inside: It ain’t your daddy’s old joint” the presentation will feature Bromstad and Sheriff Brad sharing their vision of how this sort of radical thinking will revolutionize the modern small-town penal system process.

Bromstad has promised to conclude the presentation with the unveiling of his custom art piece for the Lawrence County jail hinting, “All I will say is it will be very, very huge and of course, very, very, pink.”

Garrison's ghost pulls one last prank before Riverside Inn closes forever

Ozark, MO—Local haunt Howard Garrison played a final prank on the owners of the Riverside Inn this week by removing belongings from the restaurant. One painting, “View From the Ava Jail” was reported stolen on Sunday, then reappeared on Wednesday.

The art was created by Garrison while he was incarcerated in the Douglas County Jail after begin arrested for operating an illegal gambling enterprise. In 1973, Garrison said, “Some of my best vacations were spent in jail.”

No one reported seeing who returned the painting or even noticed anyone in the area before the subject matter was returned; further proof that Garrison was up to his old hijinks.

According to reports, people have seen plates thrown through the restaurant. Some have seen a green-glow of Garrison, walking with his cigar. Voices from unknown sources have been heard in the greenhouse. Most agree that the reigning apparition of Riverside Inn is displeased with the coming changes.

“I’m sure he’s just getting his kicks in before the restaurant is vacant. Who’s he going to haunt once the staff and diners are gone?” said one patron.

Former tax attorney thrilled at incarceration during tough economic times

Jefferson City, MO—Missouri‘s Department of Corrections has announced that the state’s prison population has reached an all-time high amid poor economic conditions. This is the first report from a government agency regarding positive growth since mid-2007.

The Department director attributes the fantastic growth numbers to an increase in criminal activity, due to soul-crushing economic pressures. More Missourians are finding that life is easier behind bars. “They get TV time, workout time and a minimum of 30 minutes in the yard. Oh, plus free meals,” said the Director.

“I was on the outside working for a reputable tax company in 2008 when the floor dropped out from underneath me and I found myself jobless. Jobless led to homeless, homeless led to huffin’ gas from a sock under the Martin Luther King bridge in north Springfield, MO, and huffin’ gas from a sock led to criminal activity. Thankfully, I landed in prison where I can be warm, fed, and sculpt my body into a ripped muscular perfection,” said Arty Newbreed, a Greene County Prison inmate.

If this trend continues, projections show Missouri incarcerations outnumbering the non-criminal population, leading to the question of who’s going to pay for the plush accommodations for economic-dodgers turning to a life of crime.

“I get deep discounts on tattoos in the system as well as spiritual advice from a man named Mohammad in lower lock-down C-18. I’m a better person now that I have no financial obligations and can focus on ‘me’ with every waking hour of my day not impeded by meeting deadlines, quotas or answering to a bottom line. Well, sometimes I have to answer to the bottom line, but that’s usually only a thirty minute exercise,” said Newbreed adjusting his trousers.

The Department of Corrections has recently allowed inmates the opportunity to build new additions onto prison grounds.  A group in Southwest Missouri plans to build a bath house complete with hot tub and sauna “so they can relax their criminal tendencies,” said the Department director.

The Greene County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday announced a new portrait package providing the name, booking photo and charge information for anyone currently housed in the jail.

Currently awaiting trial, inmate Playa Loud said, “Although my picture is no glamour shot, I think the jailhouse photographer did a good job capturing the highlights and texture in my hair and brought out the glow in my complexion.”

Base packages include two 8 x 10’s, four 3 x 4’s and 8 wallets. Enhanced packages are available under special names such as the Fifi, the Shiv and a special holiday package is now available, ask for the Keister Bunny.

“Since the other deal seemed fairly simple to do, I thought this was a pretty cool idea,” said Sheriff Jim Arnott. “The big thing I wanted to do was make sure I didn’t put any packages out there that weren’t versatile.”