A carpetbagger curses Artsfest with rain in 1908

Springfield, MO—The Cider Days Festival enjoyed beautiful weather much to the dismay of Artsfest organizers this past weekend. Artsfest, which usually occurs on a rainy weekend has longed for a weekend such as this for their event to bask in.

“I’m happy for Cider Days,” said an Artsfest committee member though clenched teeth. “I just wish that Artsfest could, for once, be held on a non-monsoon weekend. I’m trying really hard to be happy for Cider Days and their beautiful summer weather.”

Attendees claimed to have had a wonderful time at both events however not needing a slicker and umbrella seems to enlighten the experience for most walking Walnut Street. “I’ll always go to Artsfest, but I’ll always enjoy Cider Days more,” said Peyton Muriel, who was tagging along two English bulldogs.

Artsfest organizer Lam Juliea said, “We’ve tried everything, placing tents, deseeding rain clouds, dehumidifying the atmosphere, but it always ends up a downpour. Only people happy are those who sell decorated umbrellas. I wish I’d have been around when Slim Sanders cursed us those many years ago.”

According to legend, Artsfest was cursed in 1908 when a carpetbagger, Slim Sanders, attempting to sell “rain-makers” was banned from attending the festival. The offended vender was believed to have placed a curse of meteorological conditions as retribution for the town shunning his goods and labeling him a shyster.

A ginormous shop vac sucks rainwater from Springfield

Springfield, MO—After presenting two forms of identification and laying down a $50 deposit, The City of Springfield has rented a giant shop vac to remove rainwater from roads, bridges and basements. The 6000-gal. 2,300HP shop vac was deemed necessary following heavy rainfall on Wednesday, when 6 to 10.5 inches of rain covered the city causing multiple headaches across the region.

According to reports, the City was notified of the massive flooding by a wife who had just returned from running errands. “There is water everywhere, you need to come and clean this up now!” said the wife.

Mayor Jim O’Neal approved the use of emergency funds to pay for the gigantic shop vacuum, which will be operated by Public Works. Rumors swirled that the department could not find—and was feverishly looking for—an enormous ShamWow towel that was purchased via an infomercial last spring just for a situation such as this.

O’Neal confirmed that the enormous ShamWow was last seen in City Hall when the fire department was demonstrating that it could hold 12 times its weight in liquid. “It’s a towel that acts like a sponge, made by Germans – you know the Germans always make good stuff!” said O’Neal, “we just have to find where we put it.”

The City has until Friday at noon to return the rented shop vac before incurring late charges. Citizens have been called upon to gather at the Southwest power plant and assemble together as many electrical cords as possible to operate the ginormous sucking machine. More rain is expected in the coming days.

World-renowned climatologist Dr. James Hansen attributes this localized cloudburst to an “entire street filled with damn hippies”. Local street-stroller Glen Hooper believes the spring soaker is caused by “nature man…Ma nature is just giving the earth essential love.”

Springfield resident James Valentine says, “those tap girls on the dance stage are actually performing a ceremonial dance to invoke rain to ensure the protection of the coming harvest.” Dance instructors denied the dance Thunder Soaker had any effect on the weather then hurriedly fled to check their freshly planted fields.

The Springfield Regional Arts Council insists that the festival is not a concealed effort to bathe the areas “damn hippies” and is instead a celebration of springtime, food, fun, and the performing and visual arts. Maury Trimmons thinks the rain is simply God’s way to feature the divine artistic statement: the rainbow.

No one can deny that the moment tents are positioned in center city the universe recognizes the pattern of vinyl and polyester combined with nomadic artisans and responds with a drizzling spatter of downpours.

Like green on a pickle, area weathermen and women were beside themselves with joy as they tracked potential deadly weather racing across the Ozarks.

As ominous clouds gathered, KY3 reporters Ron Hearst, Dave Snider and Brandon Beck jumped into the air and proclaimed, “meteorologist powers–activate…form of…StormTeam!” then landed on the ground dressed in matching caped-weather-crusader spandex outfits. After adjusting their tights, they raced off to the hidden StormTracker3 Dopplar-Radar cave to prepare for the long night ahead.

Beams of light poured out of KSPR’s Kevin Lighty and Natalie Nunn eyes as they held hands while peering into the crystal-weather-ball and called upon Weather Vision to foresee small spin-ups, potential for high winds in your county and gulf moisture in the jet stream.

Flanked with beakers, Petri dishes and Bunsen burners, KOLR/KSFX anchors Ted Keller and Jill Gilardi exchanged spirited banter while discussing possible weather formulas that would produce nickel-sized hail, wind rotations, straight-line winds and power surges within the confines of their Weather Lab. As they gushed over wind speed, Tom Trtan rode high in his weather balloon—Calming Influence—and an observer claimed to hear him say, “C’mon, you call this a storm? Blow you S-O-B, blow! It’s time for a showdown! You and me! I’m right here! Come and get me! Ha, ha! Ha, ha!”

Springfield resident Karen Briefly said, “These reporters love their weather. Every time a leaf falls from a tree I’m warned about possible strong winds in the area. I usually appreciate the reports, but this was a little over the top.”

At last report some loose insulation was reported along the side of a highway and several attempts were made to review warnings that haven’t yet, but may soon be issued.

Rumors linger that tv reporters construct their reports based on KTTS weather updates, who formulate their radio reports on a combination of the farmer’s almanac, an ancient vein of weather witchery and liquid fear.

In a related note, Saturday April 17th is the 1st annual Weatherman Challenge where TV weather reporters compete in events such as, eating a large hailstone, conducting lightning from their fingertips and changing the flow of river with their mind.