New monster strolls into the lake

Lake of the Ozarks- With warmer weather and freedom from school beckoning teenagers to engage in dangerous and promiscuous activities, Lake of the Ozarks is promising a summer free from teenage slaughter. The Tourism Board is offering various activities such as: SeaDo rentals, nature hikes, and not being stabbed or eaten by anything. Many are skeptical that the Board can deliver what it promised.

“I know we had a rough go of things,” states PR rep Jason Voorton. “Last year it was the sharks that somehow got in the lake, who then fed on skinny-dipping teenage flesh; the year before that it was the shipment of piranhas that escaped and ate all those cheerleading camp participants; the previous before that was the psycho killer who focused on girls who recently lost their virginity.”

The rep then started talking about other failures of teenage safety dating back to the 1960’s: alligator attacks, crocodile feeding frenzies, grizzly bear maulings, and all sorts of giant bugs.

“I wish things were simpler,” said senior Megan Saunders, as she did a keg stand while skinny-dipping. “My great-great-grandma said in the 50’s everyone would just dance, drink Kool-Aid, and have a good time. Then she said ‘57 hit and the innocence was lost when the first Lake monster abductions started happening.”

Many teenagers are not afraid of the grave danger that lake life affords.

“Oh, I am sure that was nothing baby,” scoffed quarter back Ted Dawson to his girlfriend in his cherry red convertible parked by the lake. He then continued to comment, “It was just the wind, let’s keep making out. That’s it. WHAT!!! NO PLEASE. AHHHH!” Ted Dawson’s carcass was later found floating faceless in the ink black lake by two old, grizzled, fishermen.

“Oh sure, we are going to lose a couple kids every year to a lake ghost or giant snake. But, it isn’t a massacre until we lose 8. We all deserver a couple mulligans,” Jason said while fishing out Ted’s mutilated body with a large stick.

The powers-that-be are trying numerous things to cut down on the deaths such as adding more police, encouraging assemblage of torch-bearing mobs of angry people, and educating the public with seminars about safety.

“Remember, there is no such thing as safe sex, especially with the water hags hunting for impure flesh. And I know…because I am one!” screamed volunteer Karen Parks at the Abstinence Rally as she removed her disguise to throngs of screaming teenagers.

Spy moms form crack team of robbers

Los Springvas, MO- A local woman pulled of the heist of a lifetime when she stole thousands of dollars from a local PTA and Girl Scout Troop 70472. The heist took months of planning and could have not been pulled off with her crack team of thieves that the media as deemed “Jordan’s 11.”

“You want to rob a organization whose sole purpose is to help children,” asked Jordan’s partner in crime, Rana Ryan in a seedy bar. According to eye witnesses Jordan simply shook her head and put up two fingers. “You want to rob two organizations whose sole purpose is to help children,” Rana asked in disbelief.  Jordan and Rana then formed a crack team to break into the Girl Scout’s vault.

Techie mom blogger Katie Capstone, super flexible yoga enthusiast Carmen Maxwell, quick handed Megan Tombs, SUV driving extraordinaire Tammy Karter, and various others. The whole operation was funded by Cynthia St. James, a wealthy woman who made her millions selling Avon and has hated Girl Scouts ever since they became the champion of door to door sales.

Once the team was created, the plan was set. Although details are sketchy, police reports tell of numerous cons, fake noses, pick pocketing, breaks to call the baby-sitter to make sure she was doing ok, innocent flirtations for distractions- don’t tell Ron, explosives made out of house hold cleaners, and finally the missing money.

Missy Surgarsmile, the 11-year-old, self-appointed leader of the scouts, as well as, queen bee and mean girl has this to say to the thieves: “Run and hide b*****s. Run and hide. If you should be picked up tomorrow buying a 500 dollar flat wear set, I am going to be disappointed. Because I want my girls to find you (because they just got their tracker merit badge), and when they do, we are going to hurt you. Then hurt you s’more. So my advice is this: run and hide b*****s.”

Police were able to capture Jordan, the ring leader of the thieves before the scouts. But not before the girl scouts sent her half-eaten thin mints wrapped in a blood red sash – a sign that her time is up. “You don’t mess with an organization and walk away from it,” stated Officer Ben Saunders. “We are going to put her in the witness protection program…like that will do any good. She might as well throw herself into the campfire now.”

Neighbors watch as Crumbly-Building Man fails to save his beloved home

Springfield, MO – The former “Costume Shop” near downtown Springfield at Main Avenue and W. Nichols Street collapsed despite the efforts of superhero Crumbly-Building Man, who was eating lunch close-by at Pappy’s Place.

“He comes in every week for the lunch special. But today was different. During lunch he kept mentioning that his ‘crumbly-building senses’ were tingling. I thought he grabbed the hot sauce by mistake and was having a heat stroke….I never really thought he was a real superhero, until now,” said regular Pappy’s diner Kevin Halsted.

According to sources, Crumbly-Building Man jumped up out of his seat, exited Pappy’s then attempted to hold up the old Costume Shop building. “He moved fast, real fast. Like a speeding train, or a bullet. He saved an old lady by moving her out of the way before he grabbed onto the 100-year-old structure, trying to hold it in place,” said Norm Yallow a nearby resident.

For years, Crumbly-Building Man had purchased his leotards at the Costume Shop and some wonder if his powers were invalidated by the source of his questionable super-hero powers. “Nobody asks if they want to be a superhero,” said Crumbly-Building Man, “they are made. With great costumes comes great responsibility. Ever since I first purchased my magical tights at the Costume Shop, I could save any building that was structurally in distress. I suppose I met my personal Kryptonite today.”

Man enjoys swim in beer tank

Springfield, MO – To celebrate beer, the Springfield Brewing Company is selling raffle tickets for a 15-minute swim in their beer tanks this week. The tickets are prices at $40 and all proceeds go toward the “Help a White Man Dance” foundation. Participants are excited at the opportunity to actually swim in beer.

“Hellz yez, I’ll buy a ticket! I’ll buy them all if I could!” said Ian Scheffler, a man who dreams of swimming in beer, “I’d swim down to the bottom of the tank and try to drink my way to the top.” Labeled the Drunk Tank event, the tickets’ fine print point out that those selected should exercise caution when entering the vats.

“With great opportunity comes great responsibility. This is the chance of a lifetime. To swim in gallons and gallons of beer is a manchild’s dream and one lucky enough to experience it should treat it with respect,” said one official. “Also we’ll have multiple winners but only one stainless steel brewer available for swimming. If you are the luckiest of the luckies, you’ll be drawn to go first and not have to put up with sloppy seconds.”

Jeremy Popinski said, “I don’t care if I have to slurp up the filthy thirds of 40 other men, if I win a chance to dunk myself in brew aka Scrooge McDuck in money, I’m all in!” The event plans to attract hundreds of would be participants and observers.

Squirrels create a message in a fence

Springfield, MO – Local squirrels busied themselves by creating a work of word art made from pine cones this past week – communicating an important message of “Booobz”. The pine cone script expressed several emotions by passerbys near the intersection of National and Bennett streets.

“I was sitting inside Mexican Villa enjoying sweet sauce and chips when I saw like 30-40 squirrels gathering up pine cones. I was enthralled. Then they started stuffing the cones into the fence and I thought ‘well that’s funny’. Then all of a sudden they formed the letter B. I was astonished…what were the squirrels going to spell? Were they going to provide me with some sort of secret of life? Some hidden piece of advice known only to the animal kingdom. No, they spelled Boobz. I was disappointed to say the least,” said Nancy Holmergadin, of Springfield.

Animals have long exhibited the ability to communicate with humans via scratching, cuddling and vocalizing their wants and needs. According to Dexter Frank, Professor of Animal Studies, “sometimes beasts of the woodlands need to have some fun, make a statement and be silly. I believe this is what we are seeing here in this message.” Booobz” is neither a correct spelling nor a insight into squirrel vernacular. They are simply expressing themselves to let us know they understand us.”

Critics claim that the message is a forewarning that our language is plummeting deeper into a state of ignorance. “Either the squirrels realize that our educational system is failing us or the nut-jobs really, really like boobs. Either way, our passive spelling traits are being passed onto God’s creatures,” said Millard Mustardly.

Freakish Pony Burrito an awesome sight to behold

Springfield, MO – In a strange and unexplained coincidence the Pink Pony and Purple Burrito have merged forces to produce a Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito available this week to the Ozarks. The Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito is a hybrid. Part food, part food porn, the 215-pound edible monstrosity comes complete with a stripper jumping out of the beans and rice.

The two popular Glenstone Avenue destinations aren’t exactly sure how it happened. “I thought his dancer landed in my food,” said Ned Gerl of the Purple Burrito. “I thought his food landed on my girl,” said Stid Beanston of the Pink Pony. Fortunately, both businesses are taking partial credit for the unbelievably successful merger of dancing girls and So-Cal Mexi food.

“Sure we could have fought over who started it first, but it just makes sense to market the Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito as a joint effort,” claimed Gerl. Local patrons are at once surprised and very pleased when they order the Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito. “I thought I was just ordering a So-Cal party burrito, big enough for my frat party to munch on. When I got it home and hauled it inside, well the guys were very happy with my selection of cuisine,” said Nate Fergguison.

The only drawback to the combo of farty beans and frisky women is to the patron who waits too long to open the package. “I ordered one of them Pinky-Purp Pony Tacos and then kept it in the fridge overnight. Next thing I know this beautiful naked woman come crawlin out of my kitchen smellin’ like the inside of a dead armadillo,” said Shemp Nordstrom, “I guess she got hungry and started eatin’ away to keep herself busy.”

Parrots and pugs enjoy "hook life"

Springfield, MO – Continuing today at the Ozarks Empire Fairgrounds, the Springfield Arts and Tattoo Festival will feature several spectacles including live animal suspension demonstrations, open to the public. Parrots, guinea pigs, and cute widdle puppies will be jabbed with sharp hooks and hung 5-12 feet into the air for pure spiritual enlightenment rarely enjoyed by uptight, rigid Homo sapiens.

Lewis Joliet, a master at suspension claimed, “the proper placement, number, and size of metal hooks which are pierced into the skin to lift an animal off the ground is a very delicate science. You see, a hawk can stand more resistance than say a chickadee. And a squirrel can hardly tolerate the pain that a Great Dane can withstand. Of course, all of these animals are God’s creatures and entitled to the same enlightenment that we all seek here on this Earth,” as he stabbed himself in the tongue and lifted  his body off the ground via hidden pulley.

Children are admitted free to the event and a special pet piercing booth will puncture any cat, dog or goldfish that provide appropriate health department and completed consent forms. “Mr. Giggles weally wiked the fun hook wide,” said 4 year old Emma Pearson after her Cockapeekapoo mutt was lifted into the air performing a crucifix suspension for a crowd of spectators.

Local Ozarkers have been preparing for the event for months by practicing human suspension in their backyards terrifying their neighbors and horrifying passersby. The animal suspension event is a first-of-its-kind here, and is expected to sell out soon. Sponsors suggest buying tickets early.

The human suspension event coincides with the National Antique Tractor Pull and RK Gun Show. One participant, Hank Uleriton, plans to be yanked down a target range by his nipples chained to an antique Alice Chalmers tractor while avoiding unfriendly fire.

New attraction to bring wenches and beer

Branson, MO – During a special meeting, the Branson Board of Aldermen approved the ownership transfer of Factory Merchants mall to the city paving the way to lease the land for Copper Coin City – a new theme park set in the Middle ages complete with a feudal system, Crusades, chivalry and courtly love. The red roof structure will be remodeled to resemble a castle surrounding the court where coin operated animatronics and rides provide entertainment for guests.

“Doth thou thinketh a joke? Nay, methinks not!” said city Alderman Joey Humperdink, “By my troth, Copper Coin City will be a place of epic battles, jousting tournaments, royal feasts, knights and romance. ‘Tis most splendid indeed!”

Proponents of the planned theme park point to the success of nearby Silver Dollar City, a park themed in the 1880’s. Opponents claim that Copper Coin City will not be a family-friendly vacation destination with down-home charm, rather it will be a lawless territory with wenches serving mead, dangerous gangs of looters and heirs of mongrel bitches.

The City claims that Copper Coin City will be successful in drawing a younger generation to Branson. “We plan to get dollars to the coin on the investment” said a press release. The property is located on 32 acres of land owned by the city and the existing 31 red roof tenants will have the option to move or transform their shop into a blacksmith, tavern, or house of ill-repute.

Child is horrified and excited at the chance to hunt her own turkey

Springfield, MO – Leaders of Wonders of Wildlife National Fish and Wildlife Museum, or WOWNFAWM, announced that kids 12 and under will be invited to the museum on Thursday to catch their own turkey to prepare for Thanksgiving dinner.

A joint release on Tuesday stated Johnny Morris is donating $4 million to the Community Foundation of the Ozarks and that 500 turkeys will be released inside the WOWNFAWM structure for children to hunt and harvest for a family meal.  The “Wild Turkey Hunt” event is an attempt to promote conservation, natural resource awareness and increase tourism.

“Oh man that is so awesome!” said 10-year-old Joshua Dingerton. The boy’s father, John, plans to attend with his son to teach the finer points of trapping and choking down a nice butterball. “When I was his age, I was out in the woods strangling gobblers and bringing them home to eat. Yeah I drug 7 or 8 turkey home uphill barefoot while chopping wood along the way…okay off the record I have no idea how to do this,” said the elder Dingerton.

Event attendees will be able to select between a bow and rifle, hunter safety courses will be mandatory before the little hunters will be allowed to enter the facility. Dingerton said, “I may have to chase down some Wild Turkey in a bottle before this event. I’ve never killed anything in my life.”

First annual Gangsta Days at the range

Ash Grove, MO – The Andy Dalton shooting range is vying to attract more urban sportsman by holding its first annual “Gangsta Days”. Younger shooters are increasingly hard to come by and the “Gansta Days” event is targeted at the youth of the Ozarks.

“Inner city kids relate to Jay-Z, 50 Cent, and other rappers who shoot each other, we thought we could create a gangster atmosphere that appealed to them in order to introduce them to competitive marksmanship,” said Tip Faster, a lead marketer for the range.

According to reports, hip-hop music will be blasted as participants pick off targets down range, Glocks will be issued for each shooter and a class on how to shoot handguns sideways will teach the finer points of gangster warfare. Most anticipation has been built around the conversion of the shotgun skeet area into a drive by shooting range. A modified pulley cart will pull shooters across the field while targets pop up, ready to be blasted into oblivion. The archery range will be outfitted with strobe lights and a crowded dancefloor where targets must be identified within a hot club setting.

“Overall, we want to introduce new people to firearms and safety of said firearms. We don’t need any homeboy homicides on our city streets. This event should help raise awareness in the hood,” said Faster.

A retro shooting booth will be outfitted with a tommy gun for any older marksmen who mistakenly show up expecting a Chicago-style gangster event.