Customers prepare insults as they wait in return lines

Springfield, MO – Thousands of holiday retail workers were greeted with jeers and cursing while customers attempted to return their unwanted gifts after the holiday season. “Suck on my non-receipt wielding happy buttocks you stubborn mule!” seemed to be the most tame of customers, Randy Umberly, to a Barnes & Noble employee after he was shorted $2.00 by returning a book without printed confirmation.

Dr. Wighman, a consumer behavioral specialist explained, “most people who return gifts are victimized by their families and friends. These ‘families & friends’ force unwanted or un-thoughtful presents onto their loved ones out of laziness and self-gratification. The recipient usually can’t express their frustration directly to the giver, so they unleash their frustrations upon the person most tangibly responsible for their happiness, usually that is the retail worker who can give them access to the product or good that they desire.”

Multiple expressions were over heard at the Battlefield Mall and included, “You’ve stuck your hand into my chest and tittie-twisted my aorta by not having any more of these robots in stock!”, “Unless you produce my size of jeans, I’m going to rub my feet on your cash register,” and “Keep checking with the manager and I’ll have to start pulling out my nails and flicking them on the 85 other people waiting behind me in line.”

Retail workers report this season as the most rewarding and satisfying experience in their work lives. “Man, nothing beats this time of the year, yesterday I was told that I have ‘elfin’ balls in my pants’ which was quite possibly the funniest insult I’ve ever heard,” claimed Paul Kissinger.

Target hopes new MILF campaign brings in secondary customers

Springfield, MO – After analyzing a recent survey of their customer demographics, Target discovered what sets them apart from most other retail stores in the area.  Their key shoppers are young attractive females, mostly young mothers.  They then commissioned a follow-up study to determine what it is about Target that this group likes the most.  The four categories that stuck out to officials were music, in-store sales, lifestyle merchandise, and family.

Due to these findings, Target – Springfield, MO has introduced a new marketing campaign called “MILF”, in an attempt to attract a larger demographic to their store. They say that M.I.L.F.s (Music, In-store sales, Lifestyle, and Family) are going to be the key to keeping the general public interested and enthused to visit their location and the foundation to a prosperous future.

“We here at Target of Springfield, MO are proud to announce that we will be featuring MILFs all day everyday! By emphasizing the power of MILFs through an advertising campaign, we believe we can reach two other key segments of the population, namely, young and old men,” said a Target spokesperson.  “Anyone who currently frequents our Target location will attest that we’ve always had an abundance of MILFs here. We now feel that it is our duty to let the whole community know.”

It remains to be seen whether or not this strategy will work.  However, some men have shown a positive response.

“We’re already beginning to see an increase in the enthusiasm levels of husbands,” said the spokesperson.  “Some of them have even begun an on-line fan site where they rate the best MILFs each week.”

Explosive savings at Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO- With the Hy-Vee grocery store opening across the street, Dillons Super Store is nervous about the competition and being blown out of existence by a giant rooftop mounted artillery cannon. Hy-Vee is an upscale grocery store lauded for their customer service and unique specialty foods. Also they have a cannon on their roof.

People of Walmart to invade Springfield

Springfield, MO – The Bentonville, AR based retail giant Walmart has announced plans to build more neighborhoods in the Ozarks to accommodate their growth plan for the area. Walmart will begin construction on the communities this fall which will allow time to build the Neighborhood Markets to support them by early next year. The total number of Neighborhood Markets, Walmarts and Sam’s Clubs will be 148 by 2012.

As of April 2011, there are 184 Walmart Markets in the United States. Said a spokesperson, “We filed plans for multiple locations around the Springfield area, but felt that we could use more Neighborhood Markets if only there were more neighborhoods around. Then we realized, if we build people homes, they would save money and live better, right in our Wal-borhoods!”

The Wal-borhoods will be equipped with more than 56 single-family ranch style homes equipped with easy access to the Neighborhood Markets. The communities will sport such names as Sam’s Town, Walton’s Place, and Mart de Wal (which will include access to a Supermercado de Walmart).

Once the homes are constructed Walmart will begin the process of importing residents to live in the area. “Without people we really have no customers,” said one source.  Our process will be an online sign up, those interested can have free housing as long as they shop with us. We’ve had quite the response from PeopleofWalmart.com!”  Local residents have mixed feelings about the new homes and markets.

”I don’t think it is right that they are putting up their markets right next to existing stores native to our area. They’ve already run out all the mom and pops, now they are bringing in weirdo out-of-towners and going after mid-tier retailers. God bless Wal-merica,” pined John Mullins of Springfield.

Hickory Hills will be de-booger-fied before retail space is available for merchants

Springfield, MO—A buyer has purchased the former Hickory Hills School and plans to turn it into retail space after a strong de-boogering effort cleans the building. Built in 1951, the structure at 3429 E. Chestnut Expressway has been exposed to nostril snot hiding for nearly sixty years.

“You never know where a wad of slimy goodness from the nose might show up in a school, believe me I should know,” said Floyd Cashman, a longtime school janitor.

Once the over-the-hill crusty snot rockets have been removed, flashy retail businesses plan to move in to set up shop. The former cafeteria will feature a food court complete with a California Pizza Kitchen, Sprinkles, and an In-N-Out Burger. CrossFit plans to open a new location utilizing the pull up bars, track and locker rooms.

One company has agreed to move offices into the space. 3M plans to move researchers across the highway into the science and chemistry rooms. “The facility came equipped with Petri dishes and Bunsen burners so most of our infill needs were already met. We’ll be glad to have the new space – once the snot buckets are removed – so close to our existing Springfield location,” said a company spokesperson.

Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage plans to use the existing hallway lockers as storage and will store anything for the low cost of $10.99 a month.

“Since placing this property on the market in 2006, we believed it would be a prime location for retail development,” said Superintendent Norm Ridder. “We are pleased that in addition to the sale price, the school district may also benefit from future sales tax and property tax revenue.”

A local shopper presses on to take advantage of winter storm savings

Springfield, MO—The coldest winter storm to hit the Ozarks in a decade will be brought to you by your local supermarkets this week. The local grocers network has pooled funds to sponsor the dangerous weather that will render this area helpless and immobile. Better stock up now before the paranoia promotion ends.

“We derive a significant portion of our sales to bad weather and ‘bulk up’ occasions from shoppers,” said Leif Wilted a local produce manager.  Doctor Phillip Yercart, a consumer behavior consultant said, “the association between bad weather predictions and shopper behavior is well known. As worse weather is forecasted, consumer packaged goods sales increase. It’s a direct relationship that deserves considerable attention.”

Local news channels will feature storm tracking emblazoned with supermarket logos to promote specials, encouraging visits to stores. Preapproved scripts have been distributed to newscasters across Southwest Missouri that suggest reporting such as “The cold front will move through the Ozarks Wednesday evening and temperatures will begin to plunge like the prices of canned goods at your conveniently located grocery store!” and “Extreme cold and extreme savings in the deli department.”

Local weatherman, Shea O’Ray, reported this morning by saying, “be sure to stock up on supplies at your local grocery before this weather rolls in. I hear frozen pizzas are on sale with a manufacturer’s coupon.”

As the sunshine ends, and the winter storm races across Montana over the Dakotas and hurdling through Nebraska to crush Springfield in snow and wicked cold temperatures, consumers will be comforted by the knowledge that name brand cereal will be “buy one, get one free” through the end of the week.

Supermarkets across the country are already anticipating a surge in sales in the final quarter of 2012 as the Mayan calendar closes out the end of the world.

“I thought it would be nice to check out some of the deals,” stated Grant Williams, a Springfield resident, “but, it was horrible. It was like the bridge scene from I am Legend. I am lucky I got out alive. But, I did get a TV. Awesome.”

The majority of the chaos was seen at women’s clothes department. It was a feeding frenzy liken to sharks after a kill. Many police officers, in full riot gear, were sent to quell the savage rampage.

“It was hell,” said Officer Larson, “It was looking into the fiery pits of hell. We had orders to contain, so we set a parameter. Two of my men got sucked in. I never saw them again. Also they had great sales on ties. Silk ones. Very nice.”
After 24 hours, like the end of the full moon, the madness was over. Most stores show record sales/casualties due to the tax holiday. Most agree it was worth it.