Burning money is what Missouri does best

Springfield, MO – Several voters turned out to vote in Missouri’s meaningless Republican primary to prove that Missouri can waste a crap-ton of money on a meaningless and painfully boring activity such as voting for politicians.

“Yeah, voting is so much fun!” sneered Nancy Huffingtonmunch, a nasty old woman who felt compelled to volunteer to count ballots to reduce the wasteful activity. “I figure if I donate my time I can offset some of the wasteful spending and maybe steer our state budget back on track.” Surprisingly, state government officials claim the pointless activity will cost $7 million.

“That’s it huh, just $7 mil to decide diddly-shit? I mean Republican voters are choosing between the big three R’s: Romney, Ricky and Ronnie. The Grinch who stole S. Carolina didn’t even bother to show up. And four candidates who dropped out of the race are on the ballot. They dropped out and are still on the ballot! We should throw Ronald Regan, Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln on the ballot too. They have better chances of winning than the four quitters because Missouri has a record of electing dead people into office!” screamed Mick Horton.

Lawmakers on both side of the aisle couldn’t be more pleased with the senseless primary. “Democrats and Republicans have squabbled and bantered about for months to not repeal the Feb 7^th law. Now we have united the populace…everyone hates it no matter their political party. You’re welcome Missouri,” said Frank Frankerton, an elected official.

Squirrels create a message in a fence

Springfield, MO – Local squirrels busied themselves by creating a work of word art made from pine cones this past week – communicating an important message of “Booobz”. The pine cone script expressed several emotions by passerbys near the intersection of National and Bennett streets.

“I was sitting inside Mexican Villa enjoying sweet sauce and chips when I saw like 30-40 squirrels gathering up pine cones. I was enthralled. Then they started stuffing the cones into the fence and I thought ‘well that’s funny’. Then all of a sudden they formed the letter B. I was astonished…what were the squirrels going to spell? Were they going to provide me with some sort of secret of life? Some hidden piece of advice known only to the animal kingdom. No, they spelled Boobz. I was disappointed to say the least,” said Nancy Holmergadin, of Springfield.

Animals have long exhibited the ability to communicate with humans via scratching, cuddling and vocalizing their wants and needs. According to Dexter Frank, Professor of Animal Studies, “sometimes beasts of the woodlands need to have some fun, make a statement and be silly. I believe this is what we are seeing here in this message.” Booobz” is neither a correct spelling nor a insight into squirrel vernacular. They are simply expressing themselves to let us know they understand us.”

Critics claim that the message is a forewarning that our language is plummeting deeper into a state of ignorance. “Either the squirrels realize that our educational system is failing us or the nut-jobs really, really like boobs. Either way, our passive spelling traits are being passed onto God’s creatures,” said Millard Mustardly.

DGB chooses high school again

Springfield, MO – The nation’s number one high school recruit, Dorial Green-Beckham declared his intentions on national signing day with a stunning proclamation: to stay at Hillcrest High School for one more year before signing a letter of intent with an institute of higher learning.

“DGB felt that he really needed more time to make his decision – there were so many excellent programs to choose from and he wants to make the right choice regarding his future,” said one source, “he plans to take this next year to fully explore his options and plans to set more records than any other high school player in the history of this country.”

Green-Beckham was genuinely pleased with the recruiting process and enjoyed the attention paid by several top football programs. “The courting/recruitment process is an experience like no other,” said NFL scout Herb Kickhall, “for a high school recruit of such value, it only comes around once in a career. For DGB to want to experience it again is normal. I would.”

Sources close to the manchild report that he is really fairly comfortable crushing opposing high school defenses with circus-like one-handed catches, sprinting away from safeties like a cheetah from a turtle and scoring touchdowns at will. “I’m proud of him, kids these days are too eager to grow up and start adulthood. DGB is setting a trend by staying in high school for 5 years. And I really appreciate having the opportunity to watch him next season here in town….go Hornets!” said Lou Schefflerberg a Springfield native.

Un-forking believable

Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market of the Ozarks would not be allowed to participate in the Battlefield Mall location and should concentrate on giving hand-jobs to hobos.

“We’ve built our business on well-fertilized ground. Might as well use that extremely fertile ground to influence our politics,” said one source, “Bull shat built America. We’re using it to our advantage by forcing the most popular vendors out of the GSFM so that we can build up the less popular vendors into the most popular vendors. Soon the lady with the cat-skin purses will be our lead horse.”

Local consumers are more than engaged, “I think the GSFM has positioned themselves as an exclusive market, one that nobody wants to shop at…that’s pretty exclusive company,” said Nelli Harborson. GSFM execs have said, “Hey fagghetabout it, des people who wanna run dey business can give it a name. No we ain’t no organized crime syndicate, c’mon.”

The Farmers Market of the Ozarks responded to the allegations by offering free solar produced energy to all prospective members.

Newt Gingrich…the bowl cut…really?  Santorum simply sounds too much like scrotum.  Dr. Paul is like Elmer Fudd…nice guy, but nobody really wants him at the party.   Jon Huntsman looks like he could cry at any moment and Rick Perry is just plain scary.  You know, there is a part of me that would like to see Perry just beat the living tar out of Romney.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Michelle Bachman is a whack job.  I don’t know if she has been drinking or smoking but I can promise you that glazed over look in her eye isn’t from reading the constitution. And then, there is the idea of bringing back Mr. Obama for another 4 years.  How did this guy get elected in the first place?  We must have been desperate….oh yeah, I forgot, we were.  This guy appears to have no sense of reality.  Shrink the military??  I think we should put President Obama in a  padded room with Dick Chaney for 24 hours with nothing but a shotgun, a jug of crisco oil and a life-size Ronald Reagan doll.

Maybe that crazy bastard can straighten him out.  Well, I guess one way or the other one of these jackwagons will get elected and we can end this freak show…or we could bring back…Sarah Palen…you no what, let’s not!!
“I say we don’t vote for any of these candidates.  I would write in the name Assclown Johnson.  I think that might motivate both parties to find new candidates and I think it would be funny to see the mainstream media talking about a guy named Assclown.”

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

King’s hair arrives early for the fight

Springfield, MO – Don King’s hair arrived at the Springfield Branson Airport a full 30 minutes before the legendary boxing promoter. King was scheduled to arrive yesterday but was delayed when he leaned backwards and his hair fell 2 time zones behind him.

“Only in America can a man be in 3 time zones at once, due to the height of his hair,” proclaimed King. Once King arrived, Hammon’s Tower became the second tallest structure in the Ozarks. King will be in town to promote Willard native and #3 WBO world rated Cruiserweight BJ Flores this weekend.

“Get a Shiner at the Shriner” is the event’s moniker and resonates such engaging fights such as “The Thrilla in Manilla” and “Rumble in the Jungle” that King made famous. The event will be held at the Shrine Mosque where Prince Hall Freemason, King, secured the venue only after considering other locations that would have been billed, “Fistacuffs at Fassnight Park,” “The Donnybrook at Digiacinto’s,” and the “Pounding at Incredible Pizza”.

Flores has said, “Don, and more importantly his hair, bring a level of instant recognition that gives this fight card instant credibility. Springfield will be in for a real treat this weekend as Don’s hair will be an amazing site. I mean, the fights will be good too, but man…that hair is awesome.” Flores is pre-suing King for the fight purse money he is sure to be denied for the weekend fight.