Holo-Spoon projected on the court

Springfield, MO—Missouri State University Men’s Basketball team has a new leader on the court after the athletic department announced that they would be relying on a hologram of Charlie Spoonhour to coach the team.

“It makes a lot of sense for us to bring back Coach Spoonhour, albeit as a digital projection of his self,” said an athletic department spokesperson, “He was one of the best coaches MSU basketball has ever had and the fact that he’s not a real person is a real money saver for the University.We only have to pay a licensing fee for his likeness.”

Known as Holo-Spoon to the players, his likeness will be at every practice, game, recruiting trip and workout session. MSU professor George Geoginton said, “in this digital age, we should embrace technology and have a digital coach. Coach Spoonhour’s coaching style has been well documented over his 20-year career. We’ve simply compiled all of his motions, mannerisms and philosophies into a virtual reality version of himself. He is just as witty and effective as a hologram.”

The hiring of Holo-Spoon was met with great fanfare at the hologram’s press conference this afternoon. Holo-Spoon cracked a few one-liners, seemed at ease and genuinely happy to be back on the court coaching the Bears. Holo-Spoon was programmed to say in a scratchy flickering voice, “I’m ready to bring the Temple of Spoon to JQH arena!”

Priest Holmes autographs man's fantasy football trophy before induction into the MSHOF

Springfield, MO—Former NFL running back, Priest Holmes was swarmed by uber-fantasy football geeks on Sunday eager to meet the man who propelled them to fantasy victories. This past weekend, Holmes was inducted into the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame for his contributions to fantasy football players in Missouri.

Said one attendee, Norm Hamilton, “I had Priest on my team in 2003 when he was with the Chiefs and scored 27 touchdowns, an NFL record. Now I know that’s great and all but I know why the MO Sports Hall of Fame truly wanted him inducted; he helped my team, Rattlesnake Hotdog, win the Ozarks Fantasy Football League!”

Holmes was overwhelmed at the recognition ceremony by fantasy football players who sought to catch a glimpse of the fantasy player who helped them secure multiple wins during his several years in the National Football League.

Said Holmes, “I accomplished several great feats during my career, but none was more rewarding than propelling Team TightieWhities to their first fantasy football championship in 2004.”

The former player was also hailed by fantasy football owners who had high picks in 2006 for becoming injured and allowing them to pick up his back up Larry Johnson. “Man I had like the 11^th pick in a serpentine-style draft, I had no shot to pick up Priest, but when he went down I snapped up LJ off the waiver wire and won my league – thanks Priest!” said Manny Killeroue, a fan of statistical accumulation and glorified accounting.

As of press time, Priest Holmes is the only player to ever be inducted into a sporting hall of fame based on fantasy performance.

MSU coach totally jinxed by local man's text

Springfield, MO—Local man Jacob Porter texted his fellow Alpha Kappa Gonga brothers at the end of the Missouri State Bears game with the phrase “Bears 2 win, fo sho” a mere 90 seconds before the end of the game effectively cursing the men’s basketball team to a road loss.

“Everybody knows with the game on the line you don’t predict a win via text, right!?” said Porter’s buddy Hal Meldon. “I mean the Bears were ahead by 2 points with less than 2 minutes to go, just show some restraint!”

Meldon compared the early text victory to a baseball teammate acknowledging a no-hitter to a pitcher or mentioning to a football team that they’re going to hold a team scoreless in the game. “Statistically, if you give any sort of recognition to the physical performance of a particular sporting event, the chances of witnessing anything spectacular greatly diminishes,” said sports scientist Lonny Umberg of Nevada State University.

Bears head coach Cuonzo Martin said, “I had a great feeling going into the final two minutes that we would secure a W. Then with about 90 seconds left I got a real bad feeling. Like someone jinxed us. I later learned about the texted win prediction. That’s just some poor sportsmanship…keep your fingers quiet till the end of the game.”

Missouri State University is considering a texting ban during all forthcoming men’s basketball games to ensure victories are not compromised in the future.

Golfers (who generally have poor taste in clothing) can witness Daly's pants first hand at his Ozarks course

Branson, MO – In honor of John Daly’s 6-under-par 66 in the first round of the Open Championship, his outrageous pants have been shipped directly to his Murder Rock Golf and Country Club in the Ozarks. Officially licensed replica trousers will be available for purchase in the coming weeks.

“When John christened Murder Rock playing shirtless, barefoot and smoking in 2008, we knew it would only be a matter of time before we would start receiving memorabilia from his golfing accomplishments, “ said Murder Rock’s museum director Rory Phillips. “Unfortunately, we won’t be able to tastefully coordinate a suitable display for these pants, just look at the colors!”

Daly’s 18-hole semi-private golf course–built in one of the most spectacular golf settings anywhere–will now be straddled by displaying his “good luck start pants” worn during the British Open held at the Old Course at St. Andrews, Scotland. “John has had other hideous pairs of pantaloons sent our way for display. I’ve usually stashed them in the kitchen basement because, really who want to see these garments? I guess I’ll have to find a place for this purple paisley pair since they have drawn so much attention,” said Phillips.

Since Daly sashayed across the links course in his bloomers, sales of Zubaz have risen sharply. A rep for the company said, “Mr. Daly has always had a penchant for bright, flashy, and often ostentatious bifurcated outer garments covering his body and each leg from waist to ankle. It is at this moment that I am excited to announce our new line of Zubaz: the Daly Zubaz!”

Man successfully covers up his enthusiasm for the World Cup by fake stretching

Springfield, MO—Randy Hulstalk* successfully contained his raw emotion for the US National soccer team within his cubicle Wednesday. During the USA v. Algeria FIFA World Cup game, Hulstalk secretly streamed the match on his computer monitor, a major violation of company office policies. He successfully stifled his screams, shouting and even pumped his arms in silent jubilation at the end of the contest.

However, strange noises were detected coming from Hulstalk’s cubicle all morning. Tammy Kilpo, who sits in the cubicle next to him said, “I could hear his chair squeaking more than usual. It sounded like he was rocking back and forth with a lot of velocity. Must have been an intense tutorial he was watching on his computer.”

Louis Tomms saw Hulstalk in the break room right before lunch and reported that “he (Hulstalk) looked exhausted, I mean totally beat. I asked him if he needed any help meeting his sales goals. He just stared me in the eyes and said ‘I saw a historic goal this morning’. Weird interaction, but I’m glad he’s staying productive.”

Hulstalk said he almost blew his cover when he fell out of his chair after watching Clint Dempsey miss an open goal rebound in the second half of the game. “I literally fell out of my chair backwards and hit the roller mat for my chair. I didn’t know what to do so I said, ‘Aww the Henderson files!’ Nobody came over. They assumed I had knocked my huge Henderson binder off my desk.”

Hulstalk confessed that his World Cup fondness wouldn’t be accepted by his coworkers as they are fans of other sports. Hulstalk worries that if he “comes out” as a soccer fan, he would be unfairly judged and may even lose his job.

* Randy Hulstalk is a fictional name used to protect Jim Niles and his desire to remain anonymous.

Sombitch hopes the "South" enters a team into World Cup 2014

Springfield, MO—Joe Marshall, local sumbitch redneck, admitted Saturday that watching the FIFA World Cup games were in fact “entertaining as greasin’ up a sow and sticking yams to her face.”

Marshall spent Saturday afternoon watching the United States National team battle it out on the pitch with great enthusiasm. “I wuz watching our boys rip up the turf trying to pound the ball down the English’s necks. Now that’s sumfin’ I can git behind!” he stated.

Previous to Saturday’s match, Marshall said he wouldn’t be caught “sniffin’ the soccer” tilt. However, Marshall was invited to a watch party at a neighbors house and everyone in attendance was watching the game.

“He was a bit sweaty at first, as he thought that others at the party might think that he was a wee schoolgirl for actually taking an interest in soccer. Which is foolish. Once everyone in the room gasped after Tim Howard took a shot to the ribs he was on board,” said Sid Tuniper, host of the watch party.

The night was capped off with Marshall fully embracing the American spirit as he stripped off his overalls and donned an American flag and ran through Tuniper’s neighborhood naked as a jaybird proclaiming his newfound love of the beautiful game.

“S’long as we ‘Mericans get to beat the tar-nation out of other countries I’m all for this communist sport,” said Marshall as he bounced a falling beer can off his knee and into his hand in a juggling motion.

People need to know about sports claims sportscaster

Springfield, MO—Amid threats of severe weather in the Ozarks, one local sportscaster once again lost airtime to boring weather updates. A stupid severe thunderstorm watch drained a local sportscaster of precious minutes to cover life changing events such as an almost perfect baseball game, the retirement of an aging baseball player and an update on the unwatchable NHL Championship battle.

“Can’t these guys be content with their program interruptions and on-screen crawl messages? C’mon, who’s gonna notice if we get 2.5 more minutes to cover some sports entertainment? I mean, there’s a threat of severe weather, so sit back, relax and watch some entertaining physical sporting accomplishments while I give you the play-by-play with my soothing voice,” said Lou Kimberg, a disgruntled sportscaster under his breath while glaring at the weather chart tracking the predicted storm.

The news program director said that weather updates and viewer safety is the utmost concern for local broadcasts. “Aw, hogwash! People need to know about the retirement of Ken Griffey Jr. so they can go out and buy an authentic jersey to commemorate the event and jumpstart our local economy,” responded Kimberg in a post-production meeting.

Sources say that that weatherman Gary Tully will gladly give up 1 minute of airtime to Kimberg if “he can beat me in a game of horse. Kimberg is a poser, he couldn’t shoot a free throw to save his life!” The severe weather storm alert was eventually called off and no injuries or damage was reported. “See?!” said a befuddled Kimberg.

Who Dat? The speech completing MVP Drew Brees, dat who.

Springfield, MO—Drew Brees recently spoke at the 14th Annual Steak & Steak Dinner to benefit the Boys & Girls Clubs of Springfield and completed an astonishing 70.6% of his speech with remarkable accuracy. The Super Bowl MVP set a franchise record for speaking in front of people eating steak while raising money for charity.

The Super Bowl winning New Orleans Saints quarterback won the crowd over by digging deep into his playbook to deliver a speech that was a combination of quick wit and sharp, accurate comments. However, early in the speech Brees faced a deficit of crowd approval by fumbling two attempts at humor. He recovered quickly by handing off to RB Reggie Bush for a quick burst of comic relief.

“This was a great reception. At first, I attempted a flat route with my speech and went with a down and out pattern both failing to produce results. Realizing I was about to be sacked, I called the halfback option and Reggie really provided the jumpstart I needed before he tossed it back to me. This was a team victory,” said Brees.

Brees left the event with guest speaker record highs in verb-noun agreement completion percentage, highest laughs per attempt at humor (LPAH), and most consecutive attempts at conjugation without a fumble or interception of thought. His delivery was on target and he completed the night with an unheard of 94.8% QB rating.

Toward the end of his speech Brees topped off the winning drive with a dazzling quarterback scramble rocketing his message into the hearts of those in attendance. Scoring quickly and efficiently, Brees’ individual statistics led to numerous accolades; he was named the Offensive player of the night.

“Offensive? Who dat? Brees? I didn’t think he was offensive,” said Mary Jimble, who was seated a table near the back of the University Plaza Convention Center banquet hall.

The 14th Annual Steak & Steak Dinner and Charity Auction is the largest annual fundraising event for the Boys & Girls Clubs of Springfield.

8 tons of upset brackets have been shredded to date

Springfield, MO—According to reports, 9 out of 10 Ozarkers have a NCAA men’s basketball bracket that was rendered totally useless over the past weekend. Before scrapping the physical evidence of personal guessing stupidity, consider alternate uses for the “page of shame”.

Locals have begun to ban together to add their brackets to the recycling center. “I felt so conflicted when Northern Iowa beat KU. I mean, yeah it is great that a Missouri Valley team won, but my bracket was officially waste paper. So I decided to recycle it with these other losers,” said Norman Gibbons, of Nixa, MO.

More creative options for brackets with more X’s than checkmarks include folding it into a paper airplane and throwing it for distance amongst office workers to determine the “Champion of Real Awful Picks” or King of “C.R.A.P.”, burning the offending page in an offering to the NCAA gods, or simply making a nice paper hat.

Louis Freedman gambled a large portion of his monthly paycheck on the tournament this year and upon losing 10 of his final Sweet Sixteen teams effectively used his losing bracket to inflict enough paper cuts on his wrists to achieve death and avoid paying his debts.

Another more fulfilling option for using a blasted bracket includes rolling it into a pipe shape, them spitting projectiles at the one lady in the office who took Saint Mary’s over Villanova, Cornell over Wisconsin and Ohio over Georgetown because she liked the winning team’s jersey colors.

The City is offering up another solution: shredding it for a ticker tape parade for the Missouri State Lady Bears ensuing victory in the National Invitational Tournament.

Office worker comtemplates likelyhood that an owl would beat a bulldog

Springfield, MO—Stuck in a low income, dead-end job, Joan Embers has placed her children’s future on the results of the NCAA Men’s Tournament this week. Placing “$25,000 on a whim is stupid, but placing it on a sure winner is pure genius,” said Embers.

According to Embers, she employed a sophisticated style of selection process by pitting opponent’s mascots against each other. “Usually, in a forest fight, a dog will beat an owl so I picked Butler Bulldogs over the Temple Owls,” revealed Embers.

Strategies such as these are usually frowned upon by bookies and grizzled veterans of NCAA office pools.  “She did what? Woman be crazy!,” said Tracey Higgins, a co-worker of Embers at the City of Springfield. “Damn, I don’t pick a dog over a bird, I pick a quality team over a underachieving team. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Not dog over bird.”

According to Dr. Levin Striengold, “people who have the most disassociation with a gambling opportunity occasionally find the ‘gold thread’ to success by unconventional means.”

If she wins, Embers plans to invest the proceeds into MOST: Missouri‘s 529 College Savings Plan. “She’ll prolly win because she has no idea what the hell is going on. Can’t tell the difference ‘tween Duke and dookie,” said Higgins, “I hope she adopts me”.