Handi-racist

Springfield, MO – A painted parking spot elicited racist emotions on the south side of the queen city after a short shopping spree at the Walmarts. A large white handicap image can be clearly seen crushing the head of a black handicapped image.

“What the f*ck is that!?” said George Tillawhack, as he walked by with his cart full of groceries to his car. “That’s some racist sh*t!” as he stared at the image for more than 2 minutes. The
unintentionally offensive artwork was made to more clearly identify where individuals with handicapped can park and more easily walk to a motorized cart to purchase processed foods,
alcohol and tobacco products.

“The huge white handicapped image painted on top of the little black handicapped image is in no way a statement. It is merely an attempt to show that the handicapped people identify more with large people with disabilities, who might be white,” said a clearly befuddled employee who was only trying to make the parking spaces easier to identify. “Who the hell brought this up in the first place? I have black friends. Damnit.”

The store plans to repaint each individual handicapped sign the many colors of the human race. “Better not put the white disabled people parking closest to the front,” said Tillawhack as he looked for more opportunities to define the struggle of race in obscure places.

Chariot racing approved in Branson

Springfield, MO – The proposed sale of land to be used for a loud, boisterous race-track has been denied and the purchase rights transferred to a group who is leading the charge to bring horse chariot racing to the Ozarks.

The sale of the land near Ridgedale, owned by Russell Cook, was to be held by the Taney County Sheriff’s Office at 1 p.m. today in Forsyth. On Monday morning, Cook confirmed that the sale had been sideswiped by the horse and chariot community who purchased the land pennies on the dollar.

“I guess the Taney County Planning Commission approved the purchase quickly as chariot racing is much quieter than NASCAR type automobiles. In fact, the only benign noise from chariot racing is when a driver is thrown from his ride and crushed by other chariot racers…hardly a concern to nearby vacationers,” said Louis Floristat, a local concerned citizen.

Chariot Racing of the Ozarks Council (CROC) confirmed that the land near Big Cedar Lodge was secured today and that they plan an opening day in the fall of 2013. “We expect that the building of the track will take very little time and most of our preparations will be in the training of the chariot drivers and the horses,” said CROC representative Jimmy Handlebars.

According to CROC sources, several drivers have already been signed and will be gladiator-ish in nature. Leonitus, Maximus, and Flamma have all agreed to appear at the track and officials are excited to bring chariot racing to the area which will generate strong spectator enthusiasm. “The Olympic Games would love to bring back the sport as it was one of the most important equestrian events. We hope to be the catalyst for this occurrence,” said Handlebars.

Local man prepares for Gun Show audition

Springfield, MO – According to a nearby billboard the Pony Club will host a Gun Show Oct. 22-23. Normally a male entertainment venue, the Pony Club Gun Show will feature dozens of men flexing their bicep muscles to the beat of rock ‘n roll music to delight the Ozarks’ female population.

“You ladies have tickets?” asked club owner Shiver Metimbers to a group of women, “to the Gun Show!??” while pulling back his right sleeve, flexing his muscles, and pointing with his left hand. The women immediately purchased tickets to ensure that he quit asking them the question.

“It’s going to be a fantastic event,” said Metimbers, “we even got the huge billboard colored pink like our building. See? Genius. We color coordinated everything!” Pony Club will hold auditions Oct. 20 & 21 for men who wish to show off their guns.

Regulations state that the men will be required to wear nipple tassels even if they choose to not remove their shirt, “just in case, you never know what happens on stage. We want this to be a true Ozark man celebration. Sure we could bring in the Chippendales, but they’re not real men. We want the true masculine spirit of Southwest Missouri onstage showing how we make this area of the country great,” said Metimbers.

Hopefuls should prepare a 1-minute routine to “Smokin in the Boys Room” and include several muscular poses, including but not limited to The Front Double Biceps, The Crab and The Rear Double Biceps. Flexing and posing is the only requirement, actual muscle mass is not required.

Local man tries out a golf club he won’t be purchasing

Springfield, MO – Newly opened sports and outdoor company Academy celebrated a grand opening weekend welcoming  thousands of visitors who combined for $0.20 worth of sales for the retail giant. Most folks who visited the store left empty handed but with a good idea of what goes into a huge building with lots of expectations.

“I don’t know how they are going to keep the doors open if people like me don’t buy anything. All the gear looked real good, I just don’t have any money to purchase anything. It was fun to ‘window shop’ for a while,” said Lewis Ferguson of Nixa, “now I know exactly what they have in case I feel like shopping for real someday.”

Over the weekend thousands of cars clogged the parking lot and adjoining parking lots at Sam’s Club and the Library Center with curious Academy would-be shoppers. “We sold one piece of half-priced gum. That’s it. Everyone was just looking around browsing. One lady had to touch every piece of clothing then hold it up to her in a mirror, then she’d just place it back on the rack. I think she was taking mental pictures of herself,” said Sid Gomner, District Manager.

The company plans to keep the doors open to satisfy all the areas curious residents. “We figure there are a lot more people who want to check out our store, look around for an hour and a half and not buy a darn thing. We figure we could stay open for months before anything actually sells,” sighed Gomner.

Accounting VP demands reports on his desk now

Springfield, MO – Employees at Jimmerson Accounting were deeply offended today when VP of Operations Lance Figpie came dressed as an Oakland Raiders fan. The office had declared today as “wear your team jersey day” to celebrate the opening of the NFL season. Figpie took the spirit day too far according to co-workers.

”Lance showed up at my desk and yelled at me. He said, ‘you better have that report on my desk or I’m gonna rip out your lungs and feed them to the piranha I keep in the men’s room, dirtbag!’ That is really uncalled for, I’ve never heard him yell like that before,” said Lori Trembles, a junior accountant with the firm who was wearing a Denver Broncos pullover.

Eyewitnesses reported unusual behavior from the man they had always respected and admired. Figpie was seen knocking over the water cooler, punching secretaries in the face and twice urinated on the fax machine. “Lance has really taken this whole ‘fun’ idea to wear jerseys to work to a new low level. He is a nightmare to be around while dressed as a Raiders fan,” said human resources manager Joan Yola who donned a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

Before the morning staff meeting began Richard Newton, wearing a San Diego Chargers branded polo shirt, rushed out to the parking lot to find his SUV on fire next to a burning trail of gasoline that read “Chargers Suck!”

Jim Jimmerson, principal and owner of the firm brushed aside Figpie’s behavior as “being in the spirit of the NFL” and declined to address the boorish antics for fear of a nooige followed by a swirley administered by Figpie. Employees were comforted slightly with the knowledge that the Raiders will go 2-14 this season.

St. Louis Cardinals celebrate not having to play SGF

Springfield, MO—The St. Louis Cardinals canceled their exhibition game against Double-A Springfield set for Tuesday night at Hammons Field, citing an ominous possible defeat at the hands of the underling team. Tuesday’s match was set for 7:07 p.m. and officials expected to draw a sold-out crowd of more than 9,000 before the “big” Cards weaseled out due to a little rainy weather.

“The way the STL Cards scrambled out of our game you would have thought they were going to play against the Cubs. Y’know they never like playing that team,” said one fan Phil Fukudome, “I wish I could get out of my job when the skies open up”. The weather forecast called for an 80 percent chance of rain and apparently an early morning snow in Springfield that created “problems”, according to the pampered big leaguers. “I wouldn’t want to expose my players to anything less than perfect conditions after being in Jupiter, FL all Spring,” said team skipper, Tony LaRussa.

In return, the big-league club has agreed to play two exhibition games at Hammons Field next season, provided the city can guarantee 70-degree weather.

In the news release, the Cardinals noted that:

* Fans who purchased tickets will receive via mail a voucher entitling them to a St. Louis Cardinals Can’t Take the Weather T-shirt.

* Tickets purchased from the Springfield Cardinals will be transferred into a weather lottery whereby ticket holders will have the option to attend games in St. Louis based on the weather conditions (if the day is dreary, simply transfer your ticket to a sunny day).

* Fans who demand a game between the two squads can play it on Major/Minor League Baseball 2k11 Xbox game.

Local businesses planning to rake in much needed profits were given free tickets to watch the baseball draft next year. “Our big league players are much too valuable to be exposed to inclement weather, no matter how much the local economy depended upon us showing up to swing bats at balls,” said one executive.

Wolfpack players to replace Dallas Cowboys roster

Springfield, MO – Hours after dismissing Wade Phillips as the Dallas Cowboys head coach, team owner Jerry Jones purchased the Springfield Wolfpack to replace his football team’s roster with players willing to show up and play in each game. Said Jones, “An in-season coaching change is not something I’ve done before, nor is a mid-season roster change. But I think what’s best for the organization and the fans is an across the board personnel change.” ESPN NFL reporter Ed Werder, reported the purchase and planned roster change and said, “Jones wants to salvage something from this season. Starting 1-7 isn’t going to please the fan base, so Jones has reached to the Ozarks to find a storyline for the remainder of the NFL season.”

During live coverage at the MediaCom Ice Park Arena, ESPN senior writer John Clayton quickly hid his ponytail and confirmed, “Jerry Jones wants a team with heart; and he’s hired ex-football star Paul Crewe to lead the scrappy Springfield Wolfpack players to revive the Dallas Cowboys franchise.”

The Springfield Wolfpack played to a 5-5 record in the 2010 professional indoor football league and finished third with a loss in the league semifinals. Said Jones, “at least these players have the desire to go out and compete each week. They made it to a semifinal game and I seriously doubt our current roster could move down a level and achieve the same kind of success.”

This guy would love to meet your slow gait at this crossing

Springfield, MO—A new street crossing has been added to the thoroughfares of town, a place where wheelchair bound people can run down pedestrians in order to cross the road.

Several disabled people claim the new sign as a huge success. “I love it. I get to mow people down in my ride if they are too slow. Usually, I have to be patient for bipeds to make it across the street. Now I can just bump their slow asses out of the way,” said Terry Firestrom, a local wheelchair rugby player.

Greg Hunter said, “Most of the time we want to be treated like everybody else. But this perk is one I will enjoy. People usually try to take pity on me because of my situation – makes me sick. Now I can feel free to inflict some pain on pedestrians!”

City officials felt the new crossing would provide a safe area for all pedestrians no matter their mode of transportation, be it by foot or wheel. More urban areas are adding special crossings for wheelchairing, but this location is the only one where pedestrians are allowed to be tossed about like ragdolls. A press release from the City stated, “this isn’t exactly the type of crossing we had in mind when we had the sign made. However, people seem to be enjoying it, so it shall remain in place on Cherry Street near the MSU parking garage.”

A Drury student goes to class with sustainability

Springfield MO-Students at Drury University in Springfield will now have a choice to help the environment by using a bike around campus.  The bikes are part of the students’ sustainability tuition fee.  This fee was approved by students years ago and must be used for the helping the environment as well as being a benefit for the student population.

Susan “Sunshine” Greenheart, director of the Drury Compose and Reuse Department said the bike program has been a huge success.  “For some time now, all the money we got from the tuition fee was going to providing recycled toilet paper to the students.  They wanted something more that they can put their hands and feet on as well as their butt.  The bicycle program meets those needs.”

This program also compliments crosstown school Missouri State who has recently begun giving their student body a choice of a skateboard or uni-cycle when they register.  “At Drury we have a saying, “Pay your fees and get your B’s.”, added Greenheart.  “Now those B’s means Bikes.”
LaWanda Johnson was thrilled when she got her bike.  “I got a pink one.  Since I never had a bike they put training wheels on it for me.  They even threw in a helmet, knee and elbow pads all in pink.  I’m going to have pink tassels put on the handlebars to make it really cool.  I’ve also been looking for a name license plate to put on the back so everyone will know it’s my bike.  I can’t find any plates named LaWanda.  All of the Emily’s, Tiffany’s and Heathers you want but no LaWanda.

LaWanda’s boyfriend, Justin Goober was just as excited, “I’m going to hook a baseball card on the back spokes so it sounds like a motorbike when I’m riding around.  This also means since I live in the dorm, I don’t have walk in the rain and snow to class.  Now when it rains or snows I’ll just ride my bike instead.”

There are rules however with the use of the bikes.  Students using the bikes must stay on campus at all times and under no circumstances are they allowed to cross the street.  If found guilty of this infraction the student will be given a “time out” and sent to their room.  Bike riding privileges will be reinstated once the administration gets a note from the students parents.

Other safety measures include having trainers and Physical Education majors run along side the bike riders giving them water and gatorade all over the campus.  “We want them well hydrated where ever they go on school grounds.  We are also thinking about putting showers in the classrooms so they won’t be stinky when they get there,” added Greenheart.

There are some students that have no use for the bikes.  Lance Goodteeth, President of the Tappa Kega Brua social fraternity had these comments.  “I’ll never use a bike.  If I need to go from place to place, I just have some freshman pledges carry me.”  Chuck Beefer the 450-pound big man on campus echoed the negative feeling.  “I have no use for a bike at all.  When they figure out a way that you can smoke cigarettes, eat sandwiches, and watch TV with bikes, then I might take another look at them.”

Future plans with the money generated from the sustainability fee include the construction of a $50 million dollar bike garage due to start in the Spring of 2011.

FIFA's World Cup Finale continued to interrupt KSPR's Special Weather Report

Springfield, MO—A local ABC-affiliated television station attempted to broadcast a special weather report on Sunday, however, it was interrupted several times by the presentation of FIFA’s final game of the World Cup.

Karl Hirky, a Springfield resident, who was tuned in at the time said, “I like watching the weather in Camdenton, MO so the special update was something I was planning to view all weekend, heck even all week. I was really excited to see what Mother Nature is up to in my community and 80 miles away from my home.”

Conventional wisdom suggests that stations positioned closer to the action such as KMIZ, KNLJ, KRCG, KOMU-TV or KMOS-TV would provide sufficient weather coverage without the need for a special interruption on a Springfield station. However, few Springfieldians realize that KSPR is the only ABC-affiliated station that provides an ABC perspective to the Lake of the Ozarks area.

“I can honestly say I was excited when the World Cup broke into the weather report and the station went to a split screen. My boat and boat dock were just destroyed by the hellish tornado in our area and I had nothing else to do, having just lost my valuable possessions. So, I  decided to watch the soccer game,” confessed Rosie McDamniels of Camdenton, MO.

A station representative said that they successfully blocked most of the World Cup during the height of the far-off danger, yet there were periods of time when they could only cover up half of the screen with a weather map and screen crawl. Hirky admitted that perhaps he should have been more interested in the World Cup game as “soccer has prolly hurt more people than tornadoes worldwide.”