Pawned gold is a precious commodity during snowstorms

Springfield MO.-   With bad weather arriving and more on the way the citizens of Springfield do not want to be caught “out in the cold.”  Grocery stores have reported that people have been coming in and buying the basics to get them through the hard times.  “Our sales almost triple when bad weather is predicted.”, said Mike Snoozeman of Walmart.  “We have been swamped, people are buying milk, toilet paper, and frozen pizza.  You know the essentials.”

There apparently is another essential that people are buying and is going unnoticed by the media.  FCN has learned that there is also a run on gold and that every pawn shop and jewelry store in Springfield is sold out.  William Travesty of Travesty Jewelers reports that he has never seen anything like it in his 35 years of doing business.  “Normally our biggest times for sales are Christmas and Valentines day.  But with all this snow coming down people have been coming in and buying anything we had that was gold.”, he said.  “The fact is I am sold out and everyone else I know that sells gold is sold out too.  I will get new gold product in next week but customers seem to want it now and they leave here panic stricken.”

Jed Bodine of Ozark told FCN his reason for hording gold.  “Last ice storm we had, I thought I had everything to get by.  I had food, water,a generator, fuel for heat, everything you would want and enough of it to so I wouldn’t have to leave the house for 2 years.  But something was missing and that was gold.  I realized that I may have massive amounts of alcohol and granola bars but I really needed gold to get me by these hard times.  So this time I am fixed up.  I got a sack of double cheese burgers, a flashlight and a gorgeous gold necklace so bring on the snow!!”

The three day burger was a popular order before the snow came

Springfield, MO. –Deemed the worst storm to hit the Ozarks since 2003, the massive snow storm front sweeping the nation has been called many names such as: “Snolocaust”,  “Snowpocolypse”, even “Snowmageddon”.  Its impending smack down in our region has local residents preparing for the worse.

“I’m not going to get caught with my pants down this time!.” says local resident Bob Laublaah as he pulled out of the McDonald’s parking lot on east Glenstone with his order of 6 Big N’ Tasteys and 10 McRib Value meals. “The last storm left me stranded in my house eating only canned goods and having to use the stove for more than a place to set dirty dishes.”

Such has been a typical comment from thousands of concerned citizens who have flooded into McDonald’s to stock up on “necessities”. Typical storm preparations used to include stocking up on food staples such as: bottled water, crackers, and canned goods. In this day and age however it seems we can add Quarter Pounders and Big Macs to the list. The result has left McDonald’s all over town overwhelmed with customers buying 20 cheeseburger value meals per person.

“I eat at McDonald’s every day. What am I supposed to do if I can’t get to one? I don’t even own a can opener!” said one of the patrons. “To top it off, I’m on a special diet eating a Grilled Chicken Club that’s only 520 calories. If I can’t get one, my diet will be shot!”

Most people interviewed said they weren’t going overboard by supersizing the orders, just buying more. Due to the volume of orders, McDonald’s is requesting people bring their own food containers to be more environmentally sound.

Like green on a pickle, area weathermen and women were beside themselves with joy as they tracked potential deadly weather racing across the Ozarks.

As ominous clouds gathered, KY3 reporters Ron Hearst, Dave Snider and Brandon Beck jumped into the air and proclaimed, “meteorologist powers–activate…form of…StormTeam!” then landed on the ground dressed in matching caped-weather-crusader spandex outfits. After adjusting their tights, they raced off to the hidden StormTracker3 Dopplar-Radar cave to prepare for the long night ahead.

Beams of light poured out of KSPR’s Kevin Lighty and Natalie Nunn eyes as they held hands while peering into the crystal-weather-ball and called upon Weather Vision to foresee small spin-ups, potential for high winds in your county and gulf moisture in the jet stream.

Flanked with beakers, Petri dishes and Bunsen burners, KOLR/KSFX anchors Ted Keller and Jill Gilardi exchanged spirited banter while discussing possible weather formulas that would produce nickel-sized hail, wind rotations, straight-line winds and power surges within the confines of their Weather Lab. As they gushed over wind speed, Tom Trtan rode high in his weather balloon—Calming Influence—and an observer claimed to hear him say, “C’mon, you call this a storm? Blow you S-O-B, blow! It’s time for a showdown! You and me! I’m right here! Come and get me! Ha, ha! Ha, ha!”

Springfield resident Karen Briefly said, “These reporters love their weather. Every time a leaf falls from a tree I’m warned about possible strong winds in the area. I usually appreciate the reports, but this was a little over the top.”

At last report some loose insulation was reported along the side of a highway and several attempts were made to review warnings that haven’t yet, but may soon be issued.

Rumors linger that tv reporters construct their reports based on KTTS weather updates, who formulate their radio reports on a combination of the farmer’s almanac, an ancient vein of weather witchery and liquid fear.

In a related note, Saturday April 17th is the 1st annual Weatherman Challenge where TV weather reporters compete in events such as, eating a large hailstone, conducting lightning from their fingertips and changing the flow of river with their mind.