Happy Holiday Traffic Nightmare

Springfield, MO – Lewis Hankerton attempted to drive 2 miles south of his home on Thursday to pick up trash bags and dishwasher detergent “real quick” only to be greeted with the snarling entrapment known only as Holiday Traffic.

Hankerton quickly escaped his driveway and was making great time down his neighborhood side streets. Wide smile upon his face, he noticed a far off twinkling…a red and blue flashing light. Little did he realize that his quick trip to the local mart was about to be mauled by police working a fender bender.

“I seen Lewis drive by tappin’ his steering wheel as he left our neighborhood. I prayed to God Almighty that he’d return safe. Lord knows I wouldn’t dare go out into that highway of hell at this time of the year,” said Yancy Liferton, a southeast neighbor.

Hankerton quickly entered the corridor of calamity known locally as the intersection of Glenstone & Battlefield and cursed his unfortunate timing. Quick thinking encouraged Hankerton to turn left at the intersection and take Primrose to circumvent the looming traffic accident head only to be stopped short at by a snarling line of red brake lights at Luster & Republic.

Popping his car into gear, Hankerton sped past the monotonous line of motorists to make a quick left and arrive to his megastore destination. Parked car relieved, he quickly took up shopping cart to battle the imposing traffic down the aisles of annoyance.

People line up to participate in 'Brown Friday'

Springfield, Mo – One day after gorging themselves with Thanksgiving fixin’s, many Ozarkers will take part in a pre-dawn ritual which will see them gathering in front of entrance doors with an excited urgency amid frenzied crowds.  Anxiously, as if their lives depended on it, they will push and shove their way to the front of the pack while being careful not to get trampled.  Once inside their destination, they must quickly take advantage of their situation as they release the pent up energy that’s been building inside.  No, it’s not pre-holiday shopping deals that they will take advantage of, but an emergency trip to the bathroom to evacuate their bowels on what’s being dubbed “Brown Friday”.

“One can only stretch their stomach and the laws of physics so far until something has to give,” says MSU Department of Biomedical Sciences professor, Gottog Opoo.  “What goes up, must come down. What goes in …well you get the rest.  Stuffing oneself on triple helpings of Aunt Jeanie’s marshmellow yams and cheese casserole can only lead to one inevitable conclusion.”

Local plumbers will be on-call for any emergency toilet issues that may arise.

“Toilets are only designed to handle so much,” said a DeLong Plumbing representative.  “To be sure that your family is protected, check your toilet manufacturer’s operating limits guidelines.  Past ‘Brown Friday’s’ have seen a 10 fold increase in toilet usage.  Let’s just say that our local sewer system will be nearing its maximum capacity.”

Despite the health risks associated with over-eating and the stress on our aging sewer systems, this popular tradition is likely to endure for generations to come.  It does seem certain that after Thanksgiving, come the crack of dawn, Ozarkers will continue to dawn their cracks.”

Child is horrified and excited at the chance to hunt her own turkey

Springfield, MO – Leaders of Wonders of Wildlife National Fish and Wildlife Museum, or WOWNFAWM, announced that kids 12 and under will be invited to the museum on Thursday to catch their own turkey to prepare for Thanksgiving dinner.

A joint release on Tuesday stated Johnny Morris is donating $4 million to the Community Foundation of the Ozarks and that 500 turkeys will be released inside the WOWNFAWM structure for children to hunt and harvest for a family meal.  The “Wild Turkey Hunt” event is an attempt to promote conservation, natural resource awareness and increase tourism.

“Oh man that is so awesome!” said 10-year-old Joshua Dingerton. The boy’s father, John, plans to attend with his son to teach the finer points of trapping and choking down a nice butterball. “When I was his age, I was out in the woods strangling gobblers and bringing them home to eat. Yeah I drug 7 or 8 turkey home uphill barefoot while chopping wood along the way…okay off the record I have no idea how to do this,” said the elder Dingerton.

Event attendees will be able to select between a bow and rifle, hunter safety courses will be mandatory before the little hunters will be allowed to enter the facility. Dingerton said, “I may have to chase down some Wild Turkey in a bottle before this event. I’ve never killed anything in my life.”

"Sorry!" says Mother Nature

Springfield, MO- Due to numerous set backs and mistakes Autumn will be coming months later than usual. The ridiculous heat and humidity will continue until after Thanksgiving.

The delay is contributed to many factors. The cooler weather was lost in the mail due to a shipping error. The order form for yellow, red, and orange leaves was misplaced under a stack of papers, therefore was never sent out. The pumpkins and apple cider division was plagued with revolving door managers and ridiculous turn over. Also inexperienced interns never got around getting bids for corn and squash.

“We are so sorry to the people of the Ozarks,” states Mother Nature. “We are trying to get out act together. We are planning a short Fall, and catching up in Winter. Spring 2012 should be right on schedule.”

Springfield citizens are planning to make adjustments to their fall events. Halloween costumes for males will mostly be swimmer dudes, Tarzan, and underwear model. Due to their all ready short shirts and low cut tops, women costumes will still be slutty nurse, slutty school girl, slutty ghost, and slutty prostitutes.

For Thanksgiving, turkeys will be barbequed on the grill (or sidewalk) and slip n slides will be the activity of choice instead of football. Also yams will be replaced by watermelons and mashed potatoes will be replaced by watermelon.

“People may complain about the heat now. But, just wait till Dec 2012. It will be a real scorcher. I mean literally hellfire. We are all excited about it,” states Mother Nature. “

Season's Greetings shared during Holiday Traffic

Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf hate by the knuckle-headed drivers clogging the thoroughfares.

Mick Roseycheeks sobbed, “I was ready to go out and buy my wife a nice gift, she’s done so much for me over the past year after I lost my job and gained 50 pounds. But, I couldn’t take the damn traffic, I…I went crazy, started cutting people off and riding their tails like the Lone Ranger on Silver. I finally cracked and had to get out. I got her a 6-pack of 5-hour energy at the convenience store on my way home.”

Numerous holiday drivers were seen passing illegally on shoulders, stealing parking spots and purposefully riding their brakes to annoy the drivers behind them. “Some nasty ass honkey right in front of me actually stopped at a yellow light after we had been waiting for 8 miutes. Who does that in this traffic!? Go! Go! Go!” said Roseycheeks.

The loss of the holiday spirit seems to have translated to shopping as well. At least 12 fistfights were reported at local businesses including Wal-Mart, Target, Toys-R-Us and Gordman’s among others. Motorists are encouraged to travel only if absolutely necessary during this holiday traffic season.

Inconsiderate Turkey Trot participants annoy man

Springfield, MO—Kent Louizer, a local breakfast connoisseur, is making plans to visit his favorite breakfast shop Thanksgiving morning based on the Turkey Trot road closures.

“The dang ol’ race isn’t going to keep me from getting my sausage and gravy,” stated Louizer.  According to Louizer, each year at Thanksgiving he has to make a special driving approach in order to arrive at Gailey’s Breakfast Café to enjoy his favorite breakfast.

“I can’t stand all of these people walking and running around the area. They are just getting in the way of me eating sausage and gravy. Health nuts. Move it along!” blurted Louizer.

Most Turkey Trot participants are unaware of the undue stress placed upon Mr. Louizer, however Turkey Trot planners have known about his plight for years. Reportedly, organizers have been petitioned by Louizer to move the route to the outskirts of town each of the past 10 years.

“The first 6 years really weren’t a problem for us or Kent, however, once Gailey’s opened, he has been a strong opponent of the downtown event. Hopefully, he’ll eat his last sausage and gravy breakfast soon and his arteries will finally clog. I swear he should be out there running the Trot, not trying to navigate around it,” said one person, Gia Widdit.

As of print time, Louizer had mapped out the perfect route to bypass the USA Track and Field (USATF)-certified course. “Gonna take me 2.3 minutes longer to get my sausage and gravy,” he murmured under his breath.

Springfield Chefs Unveil Cashew Turkey for the Holidays

Springfield, MO—This Thanksgiving several restaurants in the Ozarks will feature a new holiday treat, cashew turkey. This offering consists of a simple Chinese-American dish that combines breaded deep-fried turkey, cashews, and a thick gravy sauce. Side options include a cranberry dipping sauce or mashed potatoes.

Several leading chefs, from bygone restaurants such as Leong’s Tea House, Gee’s East Wind and Master Wong’s, were assembled to create the sacred dish and met in secret for months to perfect the recipe. Springfield-style cashew turkey will be served in their honor this weekend at participating restaurants.

The meal will be served at over 70 Chinese restaurants on Thursday, as well as many non-Chinese restaurants, in and around the Springfield metropolitan area, and elsewhere in Missouri and other states.

David Leong, 89, oversaw the recipe development and says this menu item will “suit the palates of Midwesterners with Chinese tastes at Thanksgiving.” Leong developed Springfield-style cashew chicken and first served it in 1963 at the Grove Supper Club in Springfield. Leong’s creation became exceedingly popular in the Springfield area and is often cited as the unofficial “dish of the city”.