Unkempt lawns distracted FEMA from declaring emergency

Springfield, MO – The Federal Emergency Management Agency denied Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s request for a major disaster declaration based on the number of old refrigerators, bathtubs and automobiles found in neighbors’ yards. In most areas of Taney and Stone County it was very difficult for Federal assessors to determine where tornado damage began and irresponsible property ownership ended.

“Are you kidding me, just because my home was ripped apart by natural causes, I get the shaft because of the jerk down the street who likes to sit on the couch in his front yard?! Ridiculous!” said Harry Twerding of Branson, MO.

FEMA officials did report finding numerous clusters of concrete lawn ornaments collected in unique locations throughout the area. “Yeah, real strange, I’m guessing the tornado picked up these lawn decorations from across the county and upon losing torque, dropped them into certain areas. I mean what one place would have giant gnomes, bears, and cowboys made of concrete?” said FEMA damage assessor Guy Shittles.

Gov. Jay Nixon insists that the area does need assistance and plans to guide the FEMA team through a tour of Northern Arkansas to give them perspective into the damage caused by the recent tornadoes. “If they can see how some people live south of here, perhaps they will understand the crisis we’re dealing with,” said an aid.

Tornado figures this place was already destroyed

Branson, MO – The vicious tornado that ripped apart the Branson Strip entertainment area apparently stopped short of demolishing the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditorium, presumable due to the building already having the appearance of destruction.

“I’d say that mighty black tornader seen the Ripley’s building and figured it was already fallin’ apart so there’s no use in hitting it,” said native Jake Stillworth, “looks to me that the weird building done saved itself by the funny architecture.”

Most locals suggest that the wax gypsies and shrunken heads protected the building by exuding a black magic force-field that redirected the EF-2 destructor. “Of course that is complete bunk,” said Dr. Norma Shivershins, “the tornado that hit Branson had eyes, it could see that the building showed structural damage and was not a worthy opponent. I suggest that all of our homes be modeled to appear as if they are falling apart to protect against natural disasters.”

Tornado whisperer Kale Lora confirmed, “when the twister was skipping across highway 76, I reached out to the wind spirit and heard it say ‘what’s up with that building? Might as well let it fall apart by itself’. That’s a fact. That tornado intentionally avoided the Ripley’s BION Odditorium.”

A spokesperson for the attraction confirmed that they are in fact open, once the electricity is back on.

FEMA unicorns dispatched to Joplin via the velvety tones of Obama

Joplin, MO—President Obama visited the tornado-ravaged, Jasper County town this week to offer handshakes, hugs and federal assistance in the form of his magical herd of unicorns.

As the President spoke to a crowd of a few hundred people whimsical fairies flew from his coattails and spread pixie dust over those gathered. As the glittery specs dissipated, a loud chorus of angels sang and the federally approved unicorn herd flew down from the Heavens, illuminated by an effervescent light from above.

W. Craig Fugate, Administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), confirmed that the legendary woodland creatures will remove debris, serve meals and provide financial assistance to those in need.

Joplin resident John Knoxvorn said, “I was really impressed by President Obama’s speech and I was equally enthralled by the entrance of the unicorn herd.” Unfortunately, most were disappointed by the real work done by the horned beasts. “After Obama flew away most of the ‘herd’ turned out to be cardboard cutouts. The only magic that was produced by one unicorn was a heap of dung. I’m pretty sure it was a donkey with a painted paper towel roll taped to its head,” said Knoxvorn.

One animal was seen pulling a rope attached to a car trying to haul it to the landfill. “I saw that thing hiffing and puffing. It finally fell over dead. The FEMA unicorns are a crock. Of course, I hear real unicorns only help virgins, so I guess I’m not getting any assistance anytime soon! Hey ladies, how you doin?” remarked Stan Fillumger.

Another beautiful day in the Ozarks

Springfield, MO—Local meteorologist have issued a tornado warning to last the entire spring and summer of 2011: experts expect the alert to expire sometime in early October.

“The Ozarks are blessed with fantastic weather, we just have a small patch of time -7 months – when God’s finger can destroy your home, belongings and kill your friends and family,” said a spokesperson at the Convention and Visitor’s Bureau.

Twisters usually account for terrorizing 3 mobile homes a day in the Ozarks, and are frequently blamed for misplacing meth labs. Weather crews at all local television and radio stations celebrate the start of the season by attending Tornada-palooza where new weather phenomenon terms are defined for the coming season.

“Last year at the ‘conference’ we introduced ‘straight line winds’ which was awesome, really gave us something else to say over the course of half a year reporting on tornadoes in the area,” said a KSPR weather reporter, “This year we came away with ‘twisted air currents’, however ‘jumbly clouds’, ‘wrapping winds’ and ‘inconsiderate atmospheric pressure’ were also approved for limited use.”

Tornado-palooza is held each April 1^st at Table Rock Lake where attendees share storm stories, discussed the last time they were F-5ed and are introduced to new weather tracking technology like the Forecaster 10 or F-Ten or simply the F-10.

Ozark area residents are expected to endure a long tornado season with lots of overly excited weather reporters interrupting their favorite television show at the slightest hint of “twisted air currents” over the next several months.

Eat tornadoes and fart hurricanes, this tornado looks like a g-string on a dirty man

Springfield, MO—Fort Leonard Wood was recently attacked by a mighty black tornado, ripping through soldier’s ranks like a tear in a lost lottery ticket. The force of nature completely dominated the most powerful military force on Earth with little regard for repercussions.

Former President Bush said, “These tornadoes are devastating, when cold and warm air masses mix they create an axis of evil that we must not back down from unless we want to backed down upon by backing down.”

President Obama supported Bush’s comments and added, “We must defeat these mighty black tornadoes with eloquently phrased rhetoric and dramatic…pauses. Yes, we can!” The Government has identified Mother Nature as an immediate, clear and present danger and has frozen all her assets in an attempt to place a stranglehold on her destructive efforts.

An unnamed Ft. Wood representative said, “MotherFather! We were surprise attacked in the middle of the night by our worst enemy. We have no defense as our weather-manipulation weapon is still under development. I believe that someone told Mother Nature that we were working on such as devise and she orchestrated a premeditated attack to neutralize our efforts.”

When reached for comment military expert R. Lee Ermey barked, “Tornado? When I was a wet-eared, pimple-faced cadet we ate tornadoes for brunch and farted hurricanes. Suck it up ladies! Hoorah!”

FIFA's World Cup Finale continued to interrupt KSPR's Special Weather Report

Springfield, MO—A local ABC-affiliated television station attempted to broadcast a special weather report on Sunday, however, it was interrupted several times by the presentation of FIFA’s final game of the World Cup.

Karl Hirky, a Springfield resident, who was tuned in at the time said, “I like watching the weather in Camdenton, MO so the special update was something I was planning to view all weekend, heck even all week. I was really excited to see what Mother Nature is up to in my community and 80 miles away from my home.”

Conventional wisdom suggests that stations positioned closer to the action such as KMIZ, KNLJ, KRCG, KOMU-TV or KMOS-TV would provide sufficient weather coverage without the need for a special interruption on a Springfield station. However, few Springfieldians realize that KSPR is the only ABC-affiliated station that provides an ABC perspective to the Lake of the Ozarks area.

“I can honestly say I was excited when the World Cup broke into the weather report and the station went to a split screen. My boat and boat dock were just destroyed by the hellish tornado in our area and I had nothing else to do, having just lost my valuable possessions. So, I  decided to watch the soccer game,” confessed Rosie McDamniels of Camdenton, MO.

A station representative said that they successfully blocked most of the World Cup during the height of the far-off danger, yet there were periods of time when they could only cover up half of the screen with a weather map and screen crawl. Hirky admitted that perhaps he should have been more interested in the World Cup game as “soccer has prolly hurt more people than tornadoes worldwide.”

Stone County's first line of storm defence is Ol' Lou and his pickup truck

Abesville, MO—Emergency management executives in Stone County will soon hire a Tornado Caller once the aging, expensive-to-maintain tornado/storm sirens are removed June 1^st.  The county says the existing sirens are too expensive to maintain and “having Ol’ Lou make the rounds in his pick ‘em up truck a hollerin’ a folks” will be much more budget friendly.

“Ol’ Lou don’t work. He drinks most of the time and drives through town three sheets to the wind yelling at people. I guess the county figures it’d be cheaper to let him loose when a tornader is round ‘stead of using the ‘nado warning sirens,” said local businessman Jergan Stevenson.

Most residents are of the town of Abesville are perfectly content not having an early warning system during the night. “Oh yeah, great. No sirens to wake me when I’m sleeping. Only Ol’ Lou in his ’76 Ford barkin’ ‘get cher rears n gear, a mighty black tornader is a comin!’’ The county will save an enormous amount of money by hiring a town tornado crier instead of forking over $15,000 per siren needing to be replaced.

Emergency management says another early warning option is to raise a system of flags in the town square indicating the storm threat level, establishing a system of smoke signals and/or positioning mirrors that shine into each home affected by a tornado warning.

Like green on a pickle, area weathermen and women were beside themselves with joy as they tracked potential deadly weather racing across the Ozarks.

As ominous clouds gathered, KY3 reporters Ron Hearst, Dave Snider and Brandon Beck jumped into the air and proclaimed, “meteorologist powers–activate…form of…StormTeam!” then landed on the ground dressed in matching caped-weather-crusader spandex outfits. After adjusting their tights, they raced off to the hidden StormTracker3 Dopplar-Radar cave to prepare for the long night ahead.

Beams of light poured out of KSPR’s Kevin Lighty and Natalie Nunn eyes as they held hands while peering into the crystal-weather-ball and called upon Weather Vision to foresee small spin-ups, potential for high winds in your county and gulf moisture in the jet stream.

Flanked with beakers, Petri dishes and Bunsen burners, KOLR/KSFX anchors Ted Keller and Jill Gilardi exchanged spirited banter while discussing possible weather formulas that would produce nickel-sized hail, wind rotations, straight-line winds and power surges within the confines of their Weather Lab. As they gushed over wind speed, Tom Trtan rode high in his weather balloon—Calming Influence—and an observer claimed to hear him say, “C’mon, you call this a storm? Blow you S-O-B, blow! It’s time for a showdown! You and me! I’m right here! Come and get me! Ha, ha! Ha, ha!”

Springfield resident Karen Briefly said, “These reporters love their weather. Every time a leaf falls from a tree I’m warned about possible strong winds in the area. I usually appreciate the reports, but this was a little over the top.”

At last report some loose insulation was reported along the side of a highway and several attempts were made to review warnings that haven’t yet, but may soon be issued.

Rumors linger that tv reporters construct their reports based on KTTS weather updates, who formulate their radio reports on a combination of the farmer’s almanac, an ancient vein of weather witchery and liquid fear.

In a related note, Saturday April 17th is the 1st annual Weatherman Challenge where TV weather reporters compete in events such as, eating a large hailstone, conducting lightning from their fingertips and changing the flow of river with their mind.