Man attempting to hide from girlfriend

Springfield, MO- All across Springfield many boyfriends are hiding in terror as MSU’s Tent Theatre prepares to premier their opening night. The boyfriends are in hiding because they know their girlfriends will mercilessly force them to see one of the three plays and would rather plunge themselves off a cliff than see garish musicals or straight plays.

The boyfriends are hiding in numerous places. The most common hiding spots include friends’ houses, sports bars, and forts made out of couch cushions. But, more terrified beaus are forced to hide in secret compartments in their space ships (usually used for smuggling), old, abandoned refrigerators (even though it was strictly forbade by 1980’s GI Joe cartoons), and all-women apartments while wearing drag.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” states girlfriend Ashelie Banks on horse back, while surveying the land. “I go to his stupid sports stuff all the time.” She then tossed a net at her boyfriend as he made a mad dash out of the tall grass, hoping to make it to freedom.

Horseback net throws via “Planet of the Apes” are not the only way desperate girlfriends ensnare their wayward lovers. Other tactics include SS style raids on “Big Whiskeys”, mechanical hounds created to sniff out AXE body spray, and flying monkeys.

“This is real bad man, real bad. But, I am not going to set on those metal chairs for two hours while some idiot sings about this bow tie or some crap. Oh no..here they come. Why are they blue? Monkeys are not blue!!!!” states Steve Manson before he was drug away by a fleet of flying primates.

Some bf’s think they can find the fabled Man-valon. A mythical city full of touch football, beer, X-Box, and nothing resembling culture what so ever. They use clues found in old SEGA Madden Games, Mountain Dew bottles, and Playboy centerfolds to find the fabled city to no avail.

Another beautiful day in the Ozarks

Springfield, MO—Local meteorologist have issued a tornado warning to last the entire spring and summer of 2011: experts expect the alert to expire sometime in early October.

“The Ozarks are blessed with fantastic weather, we just have a small patch of time -7 months – when God’s finger can destroy your home, belongings and kill your friends and family,” said a spokesperson at the Convention and Visitor’s Bureau.

Twisters usually account for terrorizing 3 mobile homes a day in the Ozarks, and are frequently blamed for misplacing meth labs. Weather crews at all local television and radio stations celebrate the start of the season by attending Tornada-palooza where new weather phenomenon terms are defined for the coming season.

“Last year at the ‘conference’ we introduced ‘straight line winds’ which was awesome, really gave us something else to say over the course of half a year reporting on tornadoes in the area,” said a KSPR weather reporter, “This year we came away with ‘twisted air currents’, however ‘jumbly clouds’, ‘wrapping winds’ and ‘inconsiderate atmospheric pressure’ were also approved for limited use.”

Tornado-palooza is held each April 1^st at Table Rock Lake where attendees share storm stories, discussed the last time they were F-5ed and are introduced to new weather tracking technology like the Forecaster 10 or F-Ten or simply the F-10.

Ozark area residents are expected to endure a long tornado season with lots of overly excited weather reporters interrupting their favorite television show at the slightest hint of “twisted air currents” over the next several months.

Old Man Winter Smack the Ozarks

Springfield, MO—Old Man Winter sat his white, shriveled butt right above the Ozarks yesterday and blew the coldest, most bitter wind onto the area straight from his frigid arse.

“I was walking to work and Old Man Winter sucker punched me in the legs with a bitterly cold wind. The dude has old man strength because he kept pounding me from my car to the front door, right as I was about to walk it, he nut tapped me just to prove a point,” said Wimbley Samsonan, a staff accountant at Great Southern Bank.

Most SGFers bundled themselves in multiple layers, forcing them to dress in a ridiculous fashion to avoid the freezing temperatures. Tony Huffington, a ditch-digger said, “No way I’m going outside to work today, that Old Man Winter is a real bastard. “

Even the cities hardest, toughest citizens were put in their place by the aged old fart. “I couldn’t take it, too cold for me to work out today,” said Newt Fingerton, a regular at CrossFit gym.

When reached for comment, Old Man Winter said, “I’ve managed to make most everyone uncomfortable by clinching my frozen butt-cheeks onto the Ozarks. I just can’t ever seem to get the Springfield School System to close. One day, one day I shall create a school cancellation. Aha, ahaa, ahahaha!”

Local storm watcher preferes "storm stud" title

Springfield, MO—What began as a friendly gathering of KY3 Storm Team Weather Watchers apparently turned rancorous and physical during a recent monthly training exercise. According to on-lookers, Chief KY3 Storm Teamer Ron Hearst was concluding a particularly complicated presentation on the proper way to launch a weather balloon when “all hell broke loose” between rookie Weather Watcher Earl Bigger of rural Theodosia, Mo., and long-time Weather Watcher, Max Longpipe of Buffalo, Mo.

FCN has learned the Bigger-Longpipe feud has been simmering ever since Bigger floated the idea of changing the name of the all volunteer KY3 Weather Watchers group to the KY3 Storm Studs.  A clearly agitated Longpipe reportedly shoved Bigger saying, “…it’s over, drop it, you sure as hell ain’t no storm stud and never will be.”

Sources say Bigger’s fascination with the Storm Stud concept stems from his curious idolization of The Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore. In a show of solidarity Bigger recently shaved his head to mimic Cantore’s high-gloss dome and has repeatedly bullied the entire KY3 Storm Team on-air staff and Weather Watcher colleagues to do the same, or else. A KY3 Weather Watcher wishing to remain anonymous told FCN, “It is embarrassing really; I mean he is likeable enough but at our monthly training exercises he is always trying to chest-bump Mr. Hearst and chanting Storm Stud, Storm Stud, Storm Stud!” The source concluded, “You know spring storm season is fast approaching, the last thing we need on the loose is a rookie Weather Watcher turned Storm Stud wannabe.”

FCN has also learned Bigger, a semi-reserve deputy in Howell, Douglas, and Pulaksi Counties, is contemplating filing formal assault charges against Longpipe, or he may just “take matters” into his own hands.

A child shows dissapointment at the lack of snowfall

Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers awoke to a disappointing morning of little snowfall accumulation this morning. According to news reports this area was expecting 8-12 inches of snow prompting school, business and social cancellations.

“I was planning to take off from work, read a book and watch a few movies, but now thanks to Mother Nature holding out and the d-bags on TV who raised my expectations, I have to spend the day in the office,” said Saul Rogers, a local anesthesiologist. “What if I was only 50% accurate at my job? Motherlicker, I want my snow!” Rogers exclaimed while punching his fist into his hand.

Most schools, churches and businesses cancelled regular activities yesterday due to the severe weather storm prediction. Unfortunately, all regular activities will resume according to normal schedules. “Oh seriously? I spend thirty minutes waiting in line at freakin’ Walmart last night for this?” said Zach Damion.

A column of dry air interfered with the snowy destruction of everyday life in Springfield, creating an echo hook of safety for the Queen City. Everyone from school kids to adults shed a few tears of disappointment as they headed off to their daily undisturbed routines.

StormTracker3 has rendered StormTracker 1 & 2 obsolete

Springfield, MO—Officials at KY3 have announced plans to auction off old weather forecasting equipment given the proven reliance of StormTracker3. StormTracker1 & StormTracker2 will be listed at a public auction this weekend. All proceeds will go toward the the purchase of future needs and an anticipated StormTracker4.

During a dramatic camera pan Chief Meteorologist Ron Hearst said, “Stormtrackers 1 and 2 served us well in the beginning; we just have no use for them now that we have StormTracker3.”

Reports suggest that the separation from ST1 & 2 was a difficult task for several members of the news team. While the aged equipment no longer met the needs of the StormTeam, the machines produced strong feelings of nostalgia.

“I remember when I first started at KY when StormTracker2 was cranking out reports…those were the days,” said former news anchor Jerry Jacob. StormTracker1 was installed in 1961 by Fred Miller who created the storm tracking mechanism out of a shoe box, a gyroscope and a tube of mercury. ln 1985, when Tom Dye moved over from KOLR-TV, Miller instructed Dye on how to make StormTracker2 to suit his needs. The secret blueprints were then passed on to create what Ozarkers rely on today as StormTracker3.

Ned Reynolds has agreed to preside over the public auction of the antiquated StormTracker equipment in exchange for a new SportsTracker model to use during the evening news.

Weather image featuring bad weather is groovy

Springfield, MO—A local newsman blew several viewers minds by showing a radar screen filled with psychedelic images symbolizing Wednesday’s weather patterns. Cries of “whoa”, “maaaaan” and “dude” were heard in living rooms across the Ozarks.

One viewer, Moonbeam Johnston said, “I saw like a beautiful unicorn soar across the sky during the weather report and the unicorn urinated on the clouds and caused snow to fall.”

Given today’s technological advances, many viewers were surprised at the understated approach to weather reporting. “I had no idea that they had access to this type of technology that makes high-tech look low-tech,” said Barry Howard. “Very forward thinking to go all retro with the precipitation illustration.”

Not all viewers were impressed, “I thought it was drawn by a 5 year-old or a drunk hobo,” said Louis Cavanagh. “No, it looked as if a damn hippy vomited a rainbow on the radar screen.”

Most viewers agreed that the groovy imagery provided a good vibe that made bad weather seem not so ominous. “I saw a pair of cool sunglasses bordered by the light of a prism and I felt okay with another round of icy, snow, cold-as-a-Spanish-dungeon kick in the sack from old man winter,” said Herb Grimes.

Ozarkers add smoke stacks to their homes, burn coal, emit C02, and abandon recycling to "Go Black"

Springfield, MO— Citizens are banding together in a grassroots movement to toss aside their “Green” lifestyles in favor of “Going Black” to encourage global warming and increase local temperatures. Sub arctic temperatures have terrorized Southwest Missouri, welcoming snow and ice that has caused discomfort, irritation and a general lack of production. Ozarkers are welcoming global warming this week with hopes to thaw the area by “Going Black”.

“Man, I’ve been buying extra gasoline and burning it in my backyard to speed up Global Warming, this cold weather is not for me,” said a homeless hippy who previously had considered himself a tree hugging environmentalist. Others have staged slash and burn events to encourage deforestation.

Avid recycler Joyce Fischer said, “I haven’t recycled anything the past two week and in fact I even took plastic bags at the grocery store the other day instead of using my green-bag to hold my groceries. C’mon global warming, I’m tired of these frigid temperatures.”

“I traded in my Toyota Prius for a gas guzzling ’89 Ford Bronco today, to help increase toxins in the atmosphere so my driveway can be cleaned,” said Coleen Shermore a local fourth grade teacher. “I even added two smoke stacks to my home to burn coal on the weekends. I’m encouraging all of my familys to do the same,” she continued. Reawakening the phenomenon known as global warming is thought to help release the icy grip that old man winter has on the Ozarks.

Scientist are quick to agree. “Since the industrial revolution we have done a lot of damage to the Earth, causing temperatures to rise. However, our recent efforts to reverse global warming have been so effective that we are in a global freeze period. I would encourage every person to “Go Black” so we can enjoy the tropical weather we all love so much,” said ecologist and geothermal pioneer Huey Thimble. “The more carbon dioxide we get into the air now, the quicker we can thaw out our gardens.”

Neighbor meth lab threat meter level is at medium

Springfield, MO—With the recent onslaught of treacherous winter weather, KSPR has introduced the Threat Meter to help Ozarkers understand the most likely means by which they will die in the near future. Over the past several weeks, the meter has gained popularity by including threats such as “snow,” “ice,” “wind,” and “cold.” However, these threats are only seasonal and meteorologist Devin Brighty is worried that the Threat Meter could lose some appeal as temperatures warm and icicle impalements becomes less likely.

To help sustain interest in the Threat Meter, KSPR will be adding “Meth Lab Neighbor” and “Overzealous Police Officer” in the coming months. “Winter weather, though violent and deadly as all get out, is fleeting in this area, so we knew that we had to add a couple of more common threats to the meter,” said Brighty. “There’s less than a ten percent chance that your average Ozarker will be dismembered by Jack Frost, so it’s really not that big of a threat. But there’s about a forty percent chance that you have a meth lab neighbor and a fifty percent chance that they’ll try to eat your face at some point. So that’s a pretty big threat.”

As for the overzealous sexual offender, Brighty said that the threat will not be tied specifically to one town or city’s offenders, since all seem equally likely to handcuff, tazer, and/or urinate on someone.

Like green on a pickle, area weathermen and women were beside themselves with joy as they tracked potential deadly weather racing across the Ozarks.

As ominous clouds gathered, KY3 reporters Ron Hearst, Dave Snider and Brandon Beck jumped into the air and proclaimed, “meteorologist powers–activate…form of…StormTeam!” then landed on the ground dressed in matching caped-weather-crusader spandex outfits. After adjusting their tights, they raced off to the hidden StormTracker3 Dopplar-Radar cave to prepare for the long night ahead.

Beams of light poured out of KSPR’s Kevin Lighty and Natalie Nunn eyes as they held hands while peering into the crystal-weather-ball and called upon Weather Vision to foresee small spin-ups, potential for high winds in your county and gulf moisture in the jet stream.

Flanked with beakers, Petri dishes and Bunsen burners, KOLR/KSFX anchors Ted Keller and Jill Gilardi exchanged spirited banter while discussing possible weather formulas that would produce nickel-sized hail, wind rotations, straight-line winds and power surges within the confines of their Weather Lab. As they gushed over wind speed, Tom Trtan rode high in his weather balloon—Calming Influence—and an observer claimed to hear him say, “C’mon, you call this a storm? Blow you S-O-B, blow! It’s time for a showdown! You and me! I’m right here! Come and get me! Ha, ha! Ha, ha!”

Springfield resident Karen Briefly said, “These reporters love their weather. Every time a leaf falls from a tree I’m warned about possible strong winds in the area. I usually appreciate the reports, but this was a little over the top.”

At last report some loose insulation was reported along the side of a highway and several attempts were made to review warnings that haven’t yet, but may soon be issued.

Rumors linger that tv reporters construct their reports based on KTTS weather updates, who formulate their radio reports on a combination of the farmer’s almanac, an ancient vein of weather witchery and liquid fear.

In a related note, Saturday April 17th is the 1st annual Weatherman Challenge where TV weather reporters compete in events such as, eating a large hailstone, conducting lightning from their fingertips and changing the flow of river with their mind.