Springfield—For the past three months, Springfield businesses have been singled out and attacked by merciless and meticulously planned automobile strikes. One local retail storefront per month has been crushed by high-speed attack. “Ramming storefronts is just wrong. I mean, we have complaint boxes for suggestions and criticism located by each register. Let’s try to use those instead of bashing in my operation next time,” said a bewildered Donovan Bankhead, vice president of Springfield Music.
Bankhead’s store was given a wider entrance in March of this year. In February, a speeding Ford Explorer impaled Indigo Imports Furniture and Mattresses. This past Saturday, a Jeep smashed windows, felled a brick/block wall at the Missouri Council For The Blind thrift store. No shoppers have been injured but the message is loud and clear. Stop commerce of all things not cars. Anything that doesn’t transport humans powered by fossil-fuel consumption engines must be eliminated.
The Springfield Police Department is investigating the incidents to see if the attacks are related. Many believe that the hits are strategic in nature and have been masterminded by evil ex-auto makers. As of press time no list of demands has been received.
Detroit automakers have been suffering due to economic pressures and it looks as if vehicles are taking matters into their own hands. “You don’t see any dealerships with SUV’s hanging out of their shops,” said Yari Frutz, local shopper and avid musician, “Why can’t these motorized demons leave our fragile economy alone?”
When reached for comment the drivers of each vehicle-turned-projectile said that they felt a personal attachment to their automobile and never would have thought them capable of such destruction. “That Jeep was always such a nice ride,” recalled Hank Nuttles, the unknowing owner of a kamikaze vehicle for 8 years.
If these acts are an orchestrated uprising, the results yielded may not have been predicted. Most storeowners are now requiring patrons to ride bicycles to their places of business to avoid destruction. If this requirement places further duress on vehicles and the auto industry, as predicted, more attacks will be likely.
“Accidents” such as these are being reported all across the country. One observer commented that this is all likely an awesome promotion for next Transformers movie just before a hulking Chevy Tahoe penetrated the ticket booth at the Campbell 16 Cine.
Filed Under: Economy