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RSSArchive for August, 2011

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Movie House Allows Smoking, Drinking & Texting

  Outside City Limits – According to sources, the recent mobile phone ban at Campbell 16 Cine has convinced a local entrepreneur to begin construction on the Vice Theater, a movie house that will allow customers to do as they please while watching their favorite flicks. The Vice will serve beer and wine, have a […]

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“Who Want’s to Be Deported?” to be Filmed in SGF

  Springfield, Mo. -  City leaders have announced the first episode of a new show from the National Broadcast Company (NBC) will be filmed in Springfield this fall.  In coordination with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the new show will be called ‘Let’s Get You ‘Legal’’.  Featuring undocumented aliens who will be given eight minutes […]

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Springfield’s Employed/Unemployed Use YouTube to Escape Grim Reality

  Springfield, MO – Much like the 1930′s, when thousands of unemployed workers took to movie theaters to escape their grim reality of joblessness, thousands of laid off workers use YouTube as a means for modern escapism. Also, the gainfully employed use YouTube just as much to escape their own reality. In fact, according to […]

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College Students Inconvenienced By Classes

  Springfield, MO- With college classes starting this week, many college students dread the fast pace rat race of academia. Many of the students, being out school since May, know they will have trouble getting back to the flow of lectures, labs, and extracurricular activities. “I can’t believe we have to go back already,” states […]

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Bullies Look Forward To Start of School Year

  Springfield, MO- Numerous bullies around the Springfield area are very excited to start the new school year. During the summer the bullies have had to make do with harassing neighborhood kids, small animals, siblings, weak step-parents, and cabbage patch dolls. But, now with school starting the bullies can really hone their craft and perfect […]

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Billy Long Jumps Into Presidential Race; Causes 5.8 Earthquake

Springfield, MO – According to members of his staff, US Congressman Billy Long has jumped into the Presidential Race with both feet, triggering a terrifying and destructive 5.8 magnitude earthquake in Washington, D.C. this week. “When I heard Billy Long was now it the race, my whole body shook with fear,” said Norma Henkly who […]

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Public Health Strengthened through Provocative Team Name

  Springfield, MO – Recently, “The Poopshooters” joined the Y.M.C.A. co-ed adult basketball league and have been turning more than one head.  Consisting entirely of area proctologists, this new team is gaining attention not only by their basketball skills, but by their message.   Team captain Dr. Larry Schuler is proud of their little play […]

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Cheddar’s Provides Unforgettable Dining Experience from Hell

  Springfield, MO—A local family seeking a comfortable lunch was thrust into a nightmare dining hell this Sunday while attempting to dine casually at Cheddar’s. “I really was looking forward to having a nice lunch with the in-laws to cap off the weekend. I had no idea that it would be the most memorable dining […]

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Traffic Report

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August Horoscopes

Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt  

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KRBK Hires Snuffy

  Springfield, MO – New FOX affiliate KRBK announced today that they’ve hired beloved Sesame Street icon Mr. Snuffleupagus as their new spokesman. Snuffy, as he’s commonly known commented “KRBK is a great station, they’re just like me…no one believes they exist, but I do. Big Bird can see both of us.” KRBK stated “We […]

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Traveling Taco Just an Easy Grill

  Springfield, MO—The mobile Mexican merchant located on Sunshine street has recently confessed to being “a grille who gets around a lot”. Coming as no surprise local patrons to the whore de taco said, “yeah I mean I know a  lot of people who put their dirty mouths on their tacos.” According to the Greene […]

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Airplane Finally Lands at SGF Airport

  Springfield, MO—A homemade Pipistrel airplane, holding two men, has finally landed now that the Springfield-Branson National Airport has finally reopened. “For Pete’s sake it is a national airport. I didn’t expect it to be shut down for three-four days,” said the pilot, Nick Shelby, upon landing, “you don’t see Regan or O’Hare closing for […]

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Republic Schools Ban “Ungodly” Phone Books

  Republic, MO – By a decisive vote of 4-0 the Republic school board decided to ban all phone books from their schools due to the “offensive and ungodly” contents found within. The decision came as a complete shock to all sane people but seemed perfectly acceptable to those who supported the board’s recent decision […]

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Golf a Civil (War) Game This Weekend

  Springfield, MO – Wilson’s Creek National Battlefield Superintendent Mort Meek announced today that, due to weather conditions and topographical need, the Sesquicentennial Re-enactment of the Battle Of Wilson’s Creek will be take place at Highland Springs Country Club this weekend. Over 3000 smelly, wool-clad, Union and Confederate would-be’s will take the field beginning this […]