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RSSAll Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"

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Screaming Soccer Mom Orgasms On Sideline

Springfield, MO – Cries of “Yes, yes, yes!” & “Go! Go! Go!” as well as “Faster! Go! Yes!” were heard during a children’s soccer tournament this weekend at Lake Country Soccer Fields, confirming suspicions of several bystanders that the lady jumping around was in fact having an orgasm on the sidelines. “What the hell are […]

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Royals Win; Hell Drops to 60 Degrees

Springfield, MO – According to statisticians, the core temperature of hell has dropped significantly but not quite to freezing temperatures as the Kansas City Royals advance to the World Series, an event they haven’t participated in for over 29 years. “In honor of George Brett, I’m going to cover myself in pine tar and run […]

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RAIN! Your Questions Answered by the Missouri DOT

As fall comes to southwest Missouri, it brings with it a host of difficulties for drivers, chief among these is more frequent rain. We spoke with Gerald Nash of the Missouri Department of Transportation to get answers to some tough questions posed by Springfield area drivers. Q: When it’s raining, how much is the speed limit […]

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Reynolds to Retire; Voice Tony the Tiger Cartoon Mascot

Springfield, MO – After driving into the KY3 parking lot in 1967, Ned Reynolds has held a position with the company for nearly 50 years, but times change and he has announced his retirement to accepted a position with the Kellogg’s Company to voice Tony the Tiger, the advertising cartoon mascot for Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes […]

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#GrowMO Blimp Gets High Man, So High

Springfield, MO – Locals were treated to an aerial suggestion to grow mo’ weed yesterday as the #GrowMO blimp canvased the metro area of Springfield, Missouri. Most drivers were mesmerized by the flying dirigible and began following it in their vehicles to its landing spot at the downtown airport. “The traffic was crazy. A freakin’ […]

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Queen Moves In To Grand Palace

Branson, MO – British rock band, Queen is moving into the Grand Palace fulfilling both the need for a stadium rock group that appeals to a younger generation and a clever ploy to place rock royalty into a palatial venue. After years of sitting empty, the Grand Palace will feature the latest version of the […]

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Buffett Dealership Purchase Excites Parrotheads

Springfield, MO – Rumors are circulating that areas dealerships will soon be decorated with pirate and beach paraphernalia after a major purchase by Mr. Buffett. “I’m really excited that Jimmy Buffet is now an owner of dealers in the area,” said Nate Flegflop of Springfield, “I think a little island fun will increase sales of […]

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Assassinations Feared as Ninja-Warrior Gym Opens

Springfield, MO – Citizens across the region are expressing concern over the opening of Warrior Sports that features similar obstacles and training in order to strengthen and produce American Ninja Warriors here in the Ozarks. “I don’t believe that we should be encouraging our young people to become covert agents or mercenaries,” said Helen Figrothberg […]

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Venice of the Ozarks Briefly Revealed

Springfield, MO – Yesterday flood rains dissected the city of Springfield into a group of 118 small islands separated by canals and for a few moments Springfield existed as the Venice of the Ozarks, further verifying the city as one of the most important tourist destinations in the world. Before the deluge of rain, Springfield, […]

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Clif Smart to Twerk @ MSU Blackout

Springfield, MO – After crowd surfing at the newly renovated Plaster Stadium, Clif Smart has vowed to twerk during Saturday’s 6:00 pm Bears home opener vs. North Dakota if the new student section is packed out for Saturday night’s “Blackout”. Smart set the stage by crowd surfing earlier this week and claimed to raise the […]

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Ferguson Flash Mob Dance Cancelled

Ferguson, MO – Organizers of a charitable flash mob have cancelled plans for the event which was to be held this Saturday. The group was planning to assemble suddenly in a public place near downtown Ferguson to perform an interpretive dance to “Call Me Maybe” in order to bring attention to a nearby charity. “We […]

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Fantastic Sam’s Caverns Opening July 2015

Springfield, MO – After much debate, locals and tourists alike are rejoicing at the announcement/agreement that has merged two beloved pastimes – haircuts and cave tours to form Fantastic Sam’s Caverns. The new twist on the cro-magnon hipster movement is all the rage with young Springfieldians and history buffs alike. Fantastic Sam’s Caverns will offer […]

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Missourians’ Right to Breathe upheld on Tuesday

Constitutional Amendment 86, known informally as the Right to Breathe Act, and known even more informally as “The Hot Air Bill,” passed by an undeniable majority at the polls this Tuesday. The bill—on the ballot alongside other amendments concerning gun control restrictions, factory farms, and internet privacy—upholds a god-given right that was in no way actually […]

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Dinosaur’s Fate Debated by Scientists

Springfield, MO –Local scientists are hotly debating the recent disappearance of Dino, a green fiberglass dinosaur located on hole number six at Fun Acre Mini Golf. Originally installed in 1987, the dinosaur was a permanent fixture until last Wednesday when it vanished overnight. Researchers claim that a series of events could have caused the dinosaur […]

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Uncle Si Cup Production Moved to SGF

Springfield, MO – The A&E hit show Duck Dynasty has touched the Ozarks in the form of a plastic cup facility, at the site of the former Solo Cup plant on North Glenstone Ave. Duck Dynasty is an American reality television series that portrays the lives of the Robertson family, who became wealthy from their […]