All Entries in the "Traffic" Category
Church Traffic Is Parking Lot Purgatory
Springfield, MO —After a wonderful church service preaching harmony and brotherhood, First & Harmony United Church members were hell bent on getting out of the parking lot.
Cutting off Deacon Grover, Rebecca Shroud – the Children’s Music Minister – stealthily avoided a collision and exited onto Cherry Street, freed to meet her friends at lunch to [...]
Slim Pickin’ for Parking Spots
Springfield, MO—This holiday season Ozarkers are “pickin’ parking spots” aggressively. Employment of this new method of securing the perfect parking spot in crowded store lots includes use of abusive language, obscene gestures and if needed a common ice pick.
Drivers have been seen patrolling lots for several minutes waiting for a prime parking location near the [...]
Christmas Spirit Sucks Power, Causes Traffic Congestion While Annoying Neighbors
Springfield, MO—The Christmas spirit has once again affected neighborhood congestion and increased neighbor frustration as Jimmy Kilroy plasters his home and lawn with thousands of holiday lights. Every Christmas, Kilroy spends months decorating his exterior with festive animatronics, hanging hundreds of twinkling light strands and choreographing them to holiday music.
Locals flock to Kilroy’s street to [...]
Traffic Cones Outnumber Ozarks Population 3:1
Springfield, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Ozark inhabitant, three highway cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects occurring around the area.
Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 500,000 cones exist within Springfield city limits.
Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once the road [...]
Truckin’ N’ Tokin’ Transcript Released
Springfield, MO—A Missouri Highway Patrol trooper noticed an illegal license plate on a semi on Interstate 44 just east of Springfield this morning. When he pulled the rig over, the two drivers inside became rather animated as they were stiggity staggety stoned, troopers say.
Recovered were 1,350 pounds of pot, packaged in 55 large bundles, originated [...]
Springfield Road Work Everywhere
Springfield, MO—Roadwork across the Ozarks has caused delays at every turn as money is poured into highways, interchanges, traffic signals, lane widening, resurfacing, and pavement sealing.
Currently route 60/65 is undergoing replacement of bridges, construction of new bridges and two “flyover” ramps. I-44/Glenstone Avenue is undergoing bridge replacement, ramps rebuilding, and insertion of added traffic signals.
Motorist [...]
Truck Trap Foils Two Trucks in Two Days
Springfield, MO—For the second day in a row, another illiterate truck driver has succumbed to the “truck trap” low overpass at the Grant and Commercial intersection.
“Man, I could sell tickets to this event. It’s like a free demolition derby out here. Watching vehicles with not too quick drivers try and squeeze under this overpass is [...]
