All Entries in the "Traffic" Category
Extremely Slow Car Chase in our City
Springfield, MO – A fleeing perp in a Chevy Dolt led a mad car chase at speeds up to 45 mph through the streets in our fair city yesterday, while veteran traffic Officer Joe Krupke adroitly followed in his government issued Dolt. The chase ended abruptly when the speeding dolt’s battery went dead. Officer Krupke [...]
Real Bears Adopt Street
Springfield, MO – Local bears have adopted a street to clean and keep tidy in Southeast Springfield near Luster and Cragmont. According to the bears, they are hoping to raise awareness to their plight as an indigenous species in the Ozarks. City officials claim that the bears filed the necessary paperwork for street adoption and [...]
Holiday Traffic Drives Man Crazy
Springfield, MO – Lewis Hankerton attempted to drive 2 miles south of his home on Thursday to pick up trash bags and dishwasher detergent “real quick” only to be greeted with the snarling entrapment known only as Holiday Traffic. Hankerton quickly escaped his driveway and was making great time down his neighborhood side streets. Wide [...]
More Time to Text & Driving During Bad Weather
Springfield, MO – Drivers experienced more time to text and drive on Tuesday as a slight dusting of snow snarled traffic to a standstill on most major thoroughfares. Barely 1/8” of God’s powder covered city streets signaling the all-clear for creeping vehicle speeds, over-cautious braking and snail’s pace right-hand turns. “Effing shoot me in the [...]
“Cox” & “Swallow” Street Signs Vandalized Again
Springfield, MO – An unfortunate intersection bearing a lewd name has once again been vandalized, in fact the street signs at Cox and Swallow have routinely been stolen only to be proudly displayed in a mancave, garage or fraternity house. “Swallow Cox – get it?!” said Nick Jubery, a sophomore at Missouri State University, “You [...]
Sidewalk Improv Starting on Glenstone
Springfield, MO— This summer promises to be the most improvisationally-filled sidewalk summer in history as road signs indicate that teams of improv players will be taking to the sidewalks on Glenstone avenue soon. “Ah, yeah I saw the signs for sidewalk improv and I was all like stoked for the hilarity on my walk [...]
Man Rides Hog for Bike to Work Week
Springfield, MO—Local Harley enthusiast Lloyd “Mangus” Hamiltons was especially excited to learn that May 16-20 was Bike to Work week in Springfield, his newly acquired hog was “due for a good commuting test”. Mangus, a local botanist at Mark Twain National Forrest, said, “I was totally afraid that the carbon emissions that my hog emitted [...]
Hot Wheels Sponsors Flyover Ramp at 60/65 Interchange
Springfield, MO—Hot Wheels, a Mattel brand, will sponsor the grand opening of the flyover ramp this weekend at the Highway 60/65 interchange. The sponsorship is part of an effort to add a sweet gravity performance loop and jump section to the highway for local residents to enjoy. “The people at Hot Wheels were gracious [...]
Bungholes Targeted in Springfield Area
Springfield, MO—According to John Millerstone, Springfield motorists have been tasked with reporting bungholes to the city to aid in the clean up of the Bunghole Patrol. “Yeah, I just heard it on the radio. They need help cleaning up the city streets and getting rid of all the bungholes in our community,” said Millerstone, “I [...]
Holiday Traffic Destroys Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf [...]
Deer Warn of Upcoming Motorist Season
Springfield, MO—Not surprisingly, Missouri leads the nation in vehicle-deer collisions says Buck Muntjac. There are about four million motorists in the state, and a lot of people gather in urban areas where there is a lot of grazing, the humanist with the Springfield Human Studies Center said. That means there are plenty of opportunities for [...]
Wheelchair-Chasing-Pedestrian Crossing Unveiled
Springfield, MO—A new street crossing has been added to the thoroughfares of town, a place where wheelchair bound people can run down pedestrians in order to cross the road. Several disabled people claim the new sign as a huge success. “I love it. I get to mow people down in my ride if they are [...]
New Texting Lane Opens On 65 HWY
Greene County, MO— Driving south on highway 65 became easier over the weekend as the Missouri Department of Transportation opened the countries first 12 miles of the new texting lane from Interstate 44 in Springfield to Highway CC in Ozark. The controversial new stretch of road was opened at midnight on Sunday to avoid excessive [...]
