All Entries Tagged With: "satire"
Google’s Fiber Could Make Springfield Go 100x Faster
Springfield, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”.
“Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at Missouri State University.
According to its [...]
Developer to De-Booger Hickory Hills for Retail Space
Springfield, MO—A buyer has purchased the former Hickory Hills School and plans to turn it into retail space after a strong de-boogering effort cleans the building. Built in 1951, the structure at 3429 E. Chestnut Expressway has been exposed to nostril snot hiding for nearly sixty years.
“You never know where a wad of slimy goodness [...]
Tanning Tax Talk Tightens, Wrinkles
Springfield, MO—A looming tax may be applied to tanning salons to foot the bill for healthcare reform. Local owners are preparing for the worst by increasing tanning bed fees by 10% to cover the proposed tax, which could take effect this summer.
“I used to think that going to tan was boring, but now that the [...]
Supreme Court Ruling Celebrated By Running Red Lights
Springfield, MO—Erve Hollins, a local resident, celebrated the Missouri Supreme Court’s unanimous decision to strike down use of red light video/still camera enforcement systems by running as many red lights as possible today.
The landmark decision forced the City of Springfield to immediately disable all of its traffic law monitoring equipment and invalidates hundreds of dollars [...]
Local Gentlemen’s Club To Raffle Off A Big Ole Hummer
Springfield, MO—Queen City gentlemen’s club patrons are all a titter over the rumor that an establishment is planning to sell chances resulting in one lucky patron taking home a big ole Hummer. Long time pole-dancer aficionado Don Mackerainny told FCN, “This is even better than the all-you-can-eat happy hour idea we was hearin’ about.” He [...]
Hopes Dashed As Local Fraternity Learns Hurling Not An Olympic Event
Springfield, MO—A Missouri State University fraternity learned today their hurling team will not be allowed to participate in the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games. Rho Rho Rho chapter chairman Biff Martindink told FCN “we have been training for a long damn time and to have a bunch of maple leaf toteing thugs pull the rug [...]
Obama Beer Summit for O’Neal, Hornaday
Springfield, MO— In an attempt to calm city tensions, President Obama has invited Mayor Jim O’Neal and retiree Jim Hornaday to a beer summit held at the Springfield Brewing Company.
A local debate on city spending occurred after O’Neal and Hornaday exchanged heated emails. Hornady inquired how “our new Mayor would…steam out the wrinkles” in the [...]
Lamar Uses Magic Beans to Form Billboard Messages
Springfield, MO—A local outdoor advertising company has engineered a breakthrough technology in billboard advertising: magic beans. Lamar Advertising Company has acquired the rights and patented the process for planting the mysterious seeds under an existing structure, which then produce an advertising message.
“The outdoor advertising industry has been investigating new technologies for some time now. We’ve [...]
New Downtown Club “Voodru” Opens
Springfield, MO—The Ozarks newest nightclub, Voodru, opened this past weekend amid the Mardi Gras bar crawl. The club is located in the Woodruff building in downtown Springfield at St. Louis Street and Jefferson Avenue.
The Woodruff Building, originally opened February 1, 1911, has seen several businesses come and go including local lawyer offices and the Missouri [...]
Branson Landing “Boom Sale” Promotion Backfires
Branson, MO—Yesterday, several Branson Landing vendors were dealt a cruel hand as they launched their newly themed “Boom Sale” to gain additional sales during the tourist off-season.
“If we’d known that there was going to be some douche bag placing bombs near ATMs we would have never proceeded with the promotion,” said Branson Landing management, “Fortunately, [...]
Highland Springs Sponsors ‘Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day’
Springfield, MO—In an effort to inspire and educate the next generation of Springfieldians, Highland Springs Country Club is sponsoring a community-wide ‘Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day” on Thursday, February 25th. “We couldn’t be more excited about this upcoming day,” explains Highland Springs President Roger “Red” Anderson. “This will be a real opportunity [...]
Chili Cook-off Releases Giant Fart-Plagues City
Springfield, MO—A grotesque stench filled the Ozarks after the 29th annual Sertoma Club’s chili cook-off propelled a great brown cloud of turd-flavored air into the atmosphere. The Springfield Expo Center was exposed to the most foul and most expected form of gaseous discharge as dozens of local vendors gathered together to prepare gastro-igniting chili dishes [...]
Boomer Bear Totally Whacked Dude With T-Shirt
Springfield, MO—A local Bears fan was totally whacked in the face with a t-shirt propelled by Missouri State University athletic mascot Boomer Bear during the MSU vs. Southern Illinois University game last night. Witnesses said the incident was quite amusing as the fan turned his head right into the whirling wrapped wardrobe shot from a [...]
2012, Hobos Delay Heer’s Tower Development
Springfield, MO—The Heer’s Tower was dealt another setback this week as developer Kevin McGowan failed to meet a critical deadline risking the possibility that development of the historic building will not occur before the end of the world in 2012.
After several deadline extensions, McGowan’s company, Blue Urban, failed to meet another chance for an $11.8 [...]
