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RSSArchive for April, 2012

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Walmart Sign Goes Up Without the “S”

Springfield, MO – The newest Walmart Neighborhood Market located on Glenstone Avenue is primed and ready to open despite hanging the incorrect signage above the main entrance. According to several hundred passing drivers, the sign in missing the “S” at the end of the word. “I been to Walmarts going on now thirty years. Aight […]

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Pork ‘n Lines to Replace Rock ‘n Ribs

Springfield, MO – In order to better define what the Rock n’ Ribs visitor experience is officials have renamed the local benefit for the 2013 event to Pork n’ Lines.  According to people who went to the event, no ribs were actually served and the lines and lines of people were long enough to be […]

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Teachers Evil Masterminds Behind Senior Pranks

Springfield, MO – High school students have one month left until they can no longer blame their laziness on a little thing they like to call ‘Senioritis.’ Instead of studying for final exams, they are highly prone to elaborate on all of the knowledge that was given to them by their teachers throughout the past […]

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April Horoscopes

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Snake Oil – April

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Earthlings Overlook Earth Day

Springfield, MO – Most people overlooked the Earth Day celebration in the Ozarks however many took specific actions to impact their direct effect on our local ecosystem. Loni Urtangers said, “I thought long and hard while I showered for 2 hours trying to come up with something I could do to better the environment, then […]

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Facial Follicle Fashion Competition This Weekend!

Springfield, MO – For those fascinated with facial follicle fashion, get ready to face some serious competition! Competitors from around the Ozarks are gathering at Patton Alley Pub this Saturday to prove that their genetic coding has superior follicle frolicking. Queen City Beards hosts the event and expects several male and female entries this year. […]

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Google Hipster Car Driving Around SGF

Springfield, MO – In an attempt to battle against Facebook’s purchase of Instagram, Google is planning to release a new ironic view on life in their online maps program. Google’s new Hipster view is planned to be released in early 2013 but Ozarkers are getting an early glimpse at the newest technology used to capture […]

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Horrifying 100-year-old Branson Prophecies Come True At Centennial

Branson, MO- Horror and mayhem came to a head yesterday when the ancient 100-year-old prophecies of Branson’s demise came true. Creatures arose from Marvel Cavern, a sea beast attacked the Landing, and ghosts appearing throughout the 76 strip. The prophecy was first foretold by a hillbilly witch doctor named Cthulhu, living in the woods who […]

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Chateau On The Lake Hit By Iceberg

Springfield, MO- Tragedy struck on Saturday when the premier Branson resort (called unsinkable by the press) was hit by an iceberg and slowly sunk into the lake, taking numerous souls with down with her. Ironically the disaster struck exactly 100 years after the Titanic met its icy fate. Many blame the tragedy on man’s hubris. […]

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Titanic Museum Marks 100-Year Disaster with Underwater Exhibit

Branson, MO – Visitors to Branson can now enjoy the first underwater ride-through exhibit opened by the Titanic Museum to mark the 100-year anniversary of the sinking of the infamous ship. A special ceremony introduced the Underwater Titanic exhibit to the public; the underwater ride allows ticket holders to experience firsthand how it felt to […]

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History Channel to Film “Bat Men” in Ozarks

Springfield, MO- With the success of such blue collar shows such as “Ice Road Truckers”, “Swamp People”, and “Ax Men” The History Channel will begin filming a show featuring bat hunters in the Ozarks. “Bat Men” will bring the fun, danger, and excitement of bat hunting to the average person’s living room. It will boast […]

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Surgical Supply Company Uses Ninjas

Springfield, MO – According to the back of a van, Hankins Surgical Supply employs ninjas to deliver surgical supplies. The quiet, quick and efficient distribution network is responsible for putting surgical supplies into surgeon’s hands before they even know they need it. “Long ago, ninjas were in high demand for their fierce fighting style and […]

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Great Southern Bank Robbed Of Great Southern Treasures

Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe […]

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Chariot Racing Approved in Ridgedale!

Springfield, MO – The proposed sale of land to be used for a loud, boisterous race-track has been denied and the purchase rights transferred to a group who is leading the charge to bring horse chariot racing to the Ozarks. The sale of the land near Ridgedale, owned by Russell Cook, was to be held […]