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RSSArchive for June, 2012

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Ozarkers In Heat Advisory – No Reproduction Efforts Allowed

Springfield, MO – According to Health officials, Southwest Missouri is in an “in heat advisory” which means people shouldn’t engage in any sexual activity. Record heat and heat indexes have locals’ sweaty panties in a wad. Any activity geared towards reproduction is highly discouraged while this dry, hot weather is in effect. “I was all […]

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Muslims Build Buddhist Statue in Ozarks

Springfield, MO – According to members of the Bible Belt, Muslims have infiltrated God’s country and constructed a 12-ton Buddha statue in Northwest Springfield. “The insult is only compounded by the inability to differentiate Abrahamic religions from other religions,” said one source close to the Dinh Quang Buddhist Temple, “we study Buddhism not Islam”. “Oh […]

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Doctors Dread Wedding Season “Bouquet” Injuries

Springfield, MO- With wedding season in full swing many focus on the beautiful ceremony, fun receptions, and wishing the new couple off amiss a shower of bird seed or bubbles. But, there is an evil side to the proceedings, a side that many Springfield area health care professionals fear: the bouquet toss. This dark ritual […]

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Area Conservative Mothers Have “Fifty Shades of Gray” Book Burning…Almost

Springfield, MO- Book bans and burnings are not unusual occurrences in the Bible Belt, so it is so surprised that the racy “mommy porn” novel “Fifty Shades of Gray” was set in the sights of numerous area conservatives. The burning was set to take place in the parking lot of Hilldale Church on June 18th, […]

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Black Ink Comics

 

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Contagious Disease Night At Hammons Field Announced

Springfield, MO – Springfield Cardinals management announced the newest promotional night to be held next month formerly known as “Contagious Disease” night. It is a promotion that will allow any person with a contagious disease free admission to the stadium. Those who have photographs of themselves with a contagious disease will also be permitted admission. […]

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Wallenda Crosses Jordan Valley Fountain on High Wire

Springfield, MO – Yesterday, aerialist Nik Wallenda became the first person to cross directly over the Jordan Valley fountain on a high wire. “No one had ever thought to do that before,” said Wallenda who just recently crossed Niagara Falls last week. “After he crossed the horseshoe falls, I’ll believe he could cross over anything […]

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Traffic Report – June

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Baptist vs. Buddhist Biker

Springfield, MO- A member of the Buddhist faith was tested yesterday as a gigantic Christian cross was hurled at him while biking near First Baptist Church on South Street. “Ohm….mmmmmmmmmm…O’my GOD!” screamed bicyclist Bud Alstum as he narrowly escaped the clanging carrier of Christian sin when it struck the street behind him. According to witnesses, […]

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Train Robbery Averted Near Branson, MO

Branson, MO – According to multiple eye witnesses, two men attempted to rob a passenger train yesterday. The would-be thieves requested any and all gold, silver and precious metals while terrifying many train passengers. “From what I could tell, the robbers stood on the tracks and flagged down the train, which I wasn’t even sure […]

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Silver Dollar City Goes Through De-Monstering For Kids Festival

Branson, MO- With Silver Dollar City’s Kidsfest in full swing, many preparations are being made. Rides are being tested, candy is being cottonized, big name stars like “Backyardigans and Sponge Bob” are being catered with their every need, and monsters are being destroyed. “Kid’s safety is the number one priority here at Silver Dollar City […]

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Brat Hut Looks to Add Shaking Bratwurst to Shack Top

Springfield, MO – Local brat-shop Bratwurst Hutte plans to add an enormous shaking traffic stopper to their location on East Battlefield road soon. Several options include a very large sausage, a gyrating bratwurst or several big hot dogs bundled together to draw attention from drivers traversing Battlefield road. According to Pineapple Whip employee Kale McFritters, […]

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Covert Prayer Interferometer Coming Soon!

Springfield, MO – Last night, Fair City News received secret documents from an anonymous source indicating that the Assemblies of God (AOG) headquarters based in Springfield, Missouri, are behind the plans for the new 200 foot tall walk-through cross to be built near Branson.  However, the information that has local conspiracy bloggers abuzz is that […]

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Flip-book of Approaching Storm Now Available

Springfield, MO – Local meteorologists and news stations have commemorated yesterday’s weather activity with a novelty flip-book now available at any area news station front desk. Tired of settling for convenient digital solutions the Ozarks news crew bonded together to produce a 142-page graphic representation of the approaching storm clouds in a paper medium. “Seriously, […]

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Soccer Mom Vows To Find iPhone Stolen from Prius

Springfield, MO – With warmer temperatures causing people to be more out and about, Springfield car break-ins are at an all-time high. But, one Springfield citizen refuses to take the crime spree sitting down. Elizabeth Cleaver, a 39-year-old soccer mom, found her Prius’s window smashed and her iPhone stolen on Wednesday, as well as her […]